So I technically started writing this fic right after the last Rapture update. It's taken me this long to finish because I've been busy/not busy but unmotivated/slightly distracted by other prompts, and I apologize, because I found it hard to concentrate on my other fics when this one was rattling around in my brain.

Mostly, I apologize to Adobo-chan, who this fic is for, for taking forever. You have the patience of a saint, omfg. I honestly don't remember the specific reason I started writing you this fic, it's been so long, but let's just say I wrote it for you because you're amazing and such a good friend and constantly writing me smut, so you deserve some coming your way. lol I hope you enjoyed!

Just so everyone knows, while I hesitate to call this a smutfic because it has a lot more fic than smut, there is most definitely smut in this fic and it's nasty. So if that's not your thing, or you're a youngin', hit the back button real quick. This is the only warning you're going to get haha

Anyway, let's get this started~

I don't own Bleach. Though clearly, with what Kubo has been doing with it lately, I should.

When Kurosaki Karin came home from her organic chemistry class to find her twin sister a blubbering mess in their living room, she immediately knew that there was going to be hell to pay. "What's the matter?" she demanded, not even bothering to properly shut the front door of their apartment. "Yuzu, what happened?"

"He dumped me," her twin sobbed from the couch, curling further into fetal position. "Jinta broke up with me!"

Karin rushed to her sister's side in alarm. Usually fresh-faced and bright-eyed, Kurosaki Yuzu was now reduced to a blotchy, sniveling form of herself. And she had every right to be upset—she had been dating Hanakari Jinta since middle school. Karin was going to kill him. "Why?" she growled.

Yuzu sniffed, brushing a strand of her hair away from her mouth. "He said that the distance was too much." She hiccupped, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes and staining their ugly couch dark.

"Bullshit!" Karin raged, distractedly running a hand through her own dark tresses. "We're only a couple hours away from Karakura! Maybe if the asshat would get on the fucking train—"

"Karin-chan," Yuzu said softly, stopping her twin mid-rant. "Can you just…can you just sit with me?"

Karin's eyes softened. "Of course, Yuzu." She climbed onto the couch, curling up behind her sister like they were five again and shared a bed. The couch was a little too small for snuggling, but she didn't care, wrapping her arm around Yuzu's midsection so she wouldn't slip off and knock her head on the edge of their mismatched coffee table.

There was definitely going to be hell to pay.

~.~.~

For three solid days, Yuzu moped around their apartment, eating cookie dough ice cream out of the carton and sobbing at soap operas on tv. Karin was in a few of the same classes that her twin was skipping, so she merely took notes to share with her later and joined her in her moping when she got home.

It came to a surprise to her, then, when she opened the door to their apartment one day, and instead of finding Yuzu, still in pajamas and curled up in a blanket, their couch was empty. A heavenly smell wafted from the direction of their kitchen, making Karin salivate. Hurriedly taking her shoes off and dropping her backpack at the door, she followed her nose.

Yuzu looked up from her position over the stove. "Hey!" she said cheerily, stirring a pot.

Karin could only gape. Not only was her sister actually cooking them dinner, she looked better than she had in days. Her sandy-brown hair was carefully braided, her signature strawberry clip in its place. She had put on a yellow sundress and was wearing her favorite apron—love you berry much. All in all, she looked like the Yuzu Karin had grown up with, the one she had gotten used to.

"Dinner's almost ready," Yuzu informed her, tasting it with her spoon and adding more pepper. "I thought we could have curry tonight. It's healthier than takeout."

Takeout they had only been eating because Yuzu had been an invalid and Karin couldn't cook to save her life. "Sounds great!" she responded. "Let me just put my stuff away."

Happily bewildered at her twin's sudden turnaround, Karin made her way to the front door, sliding her backpack over her shoulders, then continued on to her room, where she unceremoniously tossed it onto her bed. By the time she returned to the kitchen, Yuzu was spooning rice onto plates.

"What brought this on?" Karin mused, gladly accepting the plate Yuzu offered her and sitting down at their small table. "Finally realized that Jinta is a waste of space and not qualified to breathe the same air as you?"

Yuzu tried to stop a smile from creeping onto her lips, but ultimately failed. "That's not nice, Karin-chan," she replied, slipping into the seat opposite hers.

Karin shrugged, scooping a spoonful of curry into her mouth. Delicious. "The truth isn't always pretty." She lifted an eyebrow, prompting an answer to her unanswered question.

Yuzu fidgeted. "Okay, but I need you to do me a favor."

Karin looked at her suspiciously. She almost demanded to know what the favor would be before she committed to it, but Yuzu would never make her do something if she really didn't want to. Plus, she didn't want to ruin her sister's mood, especially when she had just seemed to get out of her funk. "Sure."

"Narumi gave me a great idea." She grinned. "She and Makoto are taking me to a host club. Tonight."

Karin snorted. Only desperate, ugly girls went to host clubs, and Yuzu was neither. But when she saw the serious expression on Yuzu's face, she sobered up quickly. "Wait, really?"

"Yes, really," Yuzu sniffed, puffing her cheeks out agitatedly. "I just want a man to treat me properly for once. Is that too much to ask?"

Karin had to concentrate on not gaping at her. "Of course not, Yu! But you're gorgeous and a great cook and funny and an all-around good catch. You don't need to pay for attention!"

Yuzu blushed prettily at her sister's praise. But she didn't let up. "I still think it would be fun. And I want you to come with us."

Both eyebrows shot up at that. Her, dressing up and joining a heartbroken Yuzu and her awkwardly-single girlfriends in paying the opposite sex to look her way? It had been a while since she had gotten laid, but was this what her life was coming to?

"It's really cheap the first time," Yuzu wheedled. "And there's plenty of alcohol."

Karin's interest piqued. Getting hammered on free booze while some prettyboy told her how hot she was? Sounded like a pretty solid Friday night to her. "Okay," she conceded reluctantly, taking another spoonful of her curry. "I'll go."

Yuzu squealed, wrapping her arms around Karin's neck and nuzzling her cheek affectionately. "This is going to be so fun!"

It couldn't be too bad, Karin reasoned with herself. She couldn't remember the last time she saw Yuzu so excited about something, and she couldn't help but be excited for her.

~.~.~

That night, Karin actually took the time to tame her naturally wavy hair instead of merely throwing it into its customary ponytail, and let it run free. She carefully rimmed her eyes in kohl, fanning her lashes in dark mascara. She thought about putting on her rarely-used lipstick, but decided against it, merely slipping into one of her favorite red dresses that teased a bit of cleavage and made her rear look stellar.

And, to top it all off, she slid her feet into her only good pair of fuck-me-pumps. For the first time in a long time, she looked like a hot girl ready for a night out, instead of the pre-med horror she usually portrayed.

It was an inside joke that Yuzu had gotten more of their mother's genes than Karin did, though it certainly seemed true some days. Yuzu had taken a bit more after their mother in the chest department, and though she was usually more conservative, tonight she had decided to showcase her assets in a little black dress with a plunging neckline.

"Finally decided to let those puppies breathe?" Karin teased. Yuzu merely gave her a light shove.

But even Yuzu's two friends looked like they were prepared for a night of having men fall at their feet. Overall, Karin could tell it was going to be a good night, if not memorable, and she found herself actually starting to get excited. "So," she started, addressing the group of fabulously-dressed females in her living room. "Where are we headed?"

"Here," Narumi answered, handing her a slip of paper. "I got the idea when a host handed this to me the other day. And he was kind of cute, so I figured, why not?"

"'Seireitei,'" the dark-haired twin read, briefly glancing over the group of men printed on the page. Everyone seemed attractive, even the one in the corner that was strangely bald. "Sounds good to me."

She shot a look at Yuzu, who looked the happiest she had seen her in a while. Her smile was so infectious, Karin couldn't help but smile back. "Well then." She lifted her can of Sapporo, and the others gleefully tapped theirs to hers. "Let's finish these and head out!"

~.~.~

Though she and Yuzu had moved to Tokyo for school a couple years ago, Karin had never found the time to visit the Kabukichō district in Shinjuku. Being on track for medical school meant she didn't have a lot of free time, and Kabukichō wasn't exactly the kind of place nice college girls went for fun. Every time they passed a love motel or sketchy bar, Karin couldn't help but second-guess herself. If it wasn't still kind of early, she would force her sister right back onto the subway.

Hosts from different clubs tried to get their attention, hoping to get them into their clubs. Flyers were waved, pick-up lines sent their way, but Yuzu and her friends merely smiled and kept walking. Karin reluctantly followed.

Much to her chagrin, when they finally got to Seireitei, it was the gaudiest thing she had ever seen. It was much gaudier than every other host club they had passed that night, which only made Karin assume it was the most popular. Multiple blinking lightbulbs burned her retinas, the lights dancing in an inviting manner. The side of the building was covered in photographs of the hosts, and though they were all admittedly handsome and obviously knew their way around a can of hairspray, Karin found her eyes being drawn to the host in the number one slot, his shock of white hair commanding attention.

"What is this, a menu?" she cracked incredulously. "I'll take the number five with fries, hold the mayo?"

Yuzu's grin seemed to morph from cute and innocent to something more sinister. Karin couldn't tell if it was a trick of the light. "I think tonight is going to be very fun."

The surprises kept coming. After entering the establishment, Karin was astounded to find it even more gaudy than outside. Multicolored lightbulbs were everywhere she could see, giving the place a definite party-vibe. There were three chandeliers in the entrance alone, and everything seemed to be bordered in gold. It was all decidedly worse than a casino. And, unexpectedly, it was a busty blond woman that rushed to greet them.

"Welcome, ladies!" she gushed. Her breasts were so large, her top so low-cut, that Karin had a hard time focusing on her face. "You look like fresh meat. I hope you're ready to have a memorable night!"

Karin gave Narumi a sideways glance. "Are you sure this isn't a hostess club?" she murmured under her breath.

The other girls seemed just as baffled, but the woman apparently heard her, because she started laughing, her blue-gray eyes twinkling in mirth. "Don't worry," she assured them, "I'm just the bartender-slash-hostess. There are plenty of hot men here just waiting to lavish you with attention. How about we get you seated?"

They trailed after her, passing a few filled tables along the way. One of them erupted in laughter, and Karin caught a glimpse of a bold customer sliding her hand up her host's thigh. Her host, who looked like he was yazuka and was inexplicably wearing sunglasses inside, despite the dim lighting. Alarm bells rang in Karin's head, and for the second time that night, she sincerely considered cutting their adventure short.

"Hey!" the hostess barked, though there was laughter in her voice. "Watch it, Kiyone."

The customer merely stuck her tongue out, laughing harder.

"You know," Karin said in her twin's ear, "I know you're upset about Jinta, but we could just leave right now and do normal break-up things. Listen to Adele on repeat. Get a dog. Hell, I'll even help you egg his house."

Yuzu rolled her eyes. "He still lives with Urahara-san," she reminded her. "Do you really want to get on Yoruichi-san's bad side?"

She started to say that intentionally provoking Yoruichi was probably a better idea than what they were doing now, but the blond hostess shuffled them into their designated area and handed them all what looked like menus. A peek inside confirmed it—though instead of food, the same photos from outside smoldered at her. She couldn't stop her jaw from dropping at the pure absurdity of it.

The hostess noticed her reaction and grinned. "My name is Matsumoto Rangiku, and I'll be your server for tonight," she joked. "May I recommend number eleven? Very tasty." She winked, letting them know she was obviously kidding. Which was just as well, as Karin was pretty sure number eleven was a drag queen, if his lavender hair and feathered eyelashes were any indication.

"I think I like number nine," Yuzu responded, making her friends titter excitedly.

"Really, Yuzu?" An eyebrow raised in disbelief. "You really want to spend your evening with a guy who has the number sixty-nine tattooed on his face?"

That not-so-innocent look on her face returned. "Sounds like a good time to me."

Karin merely shook her head, a smile tugging at her lips. Couldn't argue with that.

Matsumoto nodded approvingly. "Anyone else?"

While Yuzu's friends made up their minds, Karin gave the man-menu a more thorough run-through. They were obviously not leaving anytime soon, so she might as well get with the program. Besides, she mused to herself as she focused on a promising-looking redhead with multiple tattoos, maybe Yuzu was onto something with the face tattoo thing.

The hostess seemed to notice where her attention lay. "I'm sorry," she told Karin, regretful. "Unfortunately, Baboon King is attending to one of his regulars tonight."

"Baboon King," Karin repeated, trying to keep her tone nonjudgmental. For such a gorgeous man, he sure did pick a ridiculous name.

"I know, right?" Matsumoto rolled her eyes. "I told him it was stupid, but he wouldn't listen. Men."

At the very least, Karin could tell the night wouldn't be all that bad. She was really starting to like this Matsumoto person.

"Can I interest you in anyone else?"

She scanned the profiles again, sighing as no one jumped off the page. She glanced at Yuzu awkwardly. "Um…"

The blonde held up a hand. "You know what? Don't even worry about it. I have the perfect person for you, if you don't mind."

Karin merely blinked in response. Why the hell not? It wasn't like she knew what was going on anymore anyway.

Matsumoto smirked, marking something on her notepad. Karin watched with astonishment as, after getting the "orders" of Yuzu's friends, both pen and notepad were shoved into the bartender-slash-hostess's ample cleavage, never to be seen again. "You ladies will be in great hands," she said cheerily, as if there wasn't a black hole between her breasts. "But if you need anything else, just holler."

As Matsumoto sauntered away, their table could do nothing but watch her in silence.

As usual, it was Karin who broke it. "Is this real life?"

Yuzu pouted. "Come on, Karin-chan. You've been a party-pooper all night."

She felt a twinge of guilt. "I'm sorry, Yu. But this is so ridiculous—"

"We are all well aware of the absurdity," she responded coolly. "But that's what'll make it memorable. That's what'll make it fun. And I can really use some fun. So can you stop with the negative energy, please?"

Karin exhaled slowly through her nose, thoroughly scolded. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Yuzu patted her knee reassuringly. "Just relax, okay? Try to have fun."

It was during the moments that Karin was trying to convince herself to take a chill pill already that three stunning men approached them. One of them was very clearly Yuzu's pick. Sixty-nine guy was hotter in person than on paper, especially when he threw them all a mega-watt smile. "You rang?" he said saucily, sliding right into the seat on Yuzu's other side.

"Damn," Makoto muttered, much too loudly. Narumi's eyes were as big as saucers.

Yuzu beamed. Karin couldn't blame her.

It seemed that Narumi had decided to heed Matsumoto's advice, and had chosen number eleven. While he was dressed sharply in a suit like his fellow hosts, flamboyance rolled off of him in waves. It appeared he enjoyed accessorizing both his eyebrows and eyelashes with feathers so long they hadn't fit in his photo. "You're looking beautiful tonight," he told Narumi as he elegantly sat in the seat beside hers.

Karin debated informing the girl of her host's probable homosexual tendencies, but decided against it as she watched her swoon. Obviously, she was into that kind of thing.

She recognized the remaining host as the bald one from the flier and thought he might be for her, but he headed straight for Makoto. Unable to stop the slight annoyance that bloomed in her belly, Karin anxiously tapped her fingernails on the tabletop. She could have handled Baldy. But who could that Matsumoto chick have possibly dumped on her? The suspense was making her antsy.

"Welcome."

The husky voice startled her, and she quickly turned to the side.

He was shorter than the other hosts, though that didn't make him any less attractive. His suit was tailored perfectly to his slim frame, and his hair was as shockingly white as it had been when she had first seen it outside. Karin could only gape as he dipped in a rather formal bow. "Thank you for choosing me."

She forced her jaw shut, her teeth audibly clacking. "I didn't pick you."

He looked at her stonily, a single snowy eyebrow betraying his bafflement.

A sharp pain in her side briefly diverted her attention back to Yuzu, who had apparently jabbed her with a bony elbow. Stop, her twin was obviously saying. But Karin couldn't seem to stop the words from rolling off her tongue. "I actually chose Baboon King. Though I didn't know he called himself Baboon King, or I obviously would have reconsidered."

His lips quirked. "Obviously," he agreed.

It had to be illegal for his eyes to be that blue. How were they that blue? She could probably swim in them if she tried. "How did I get you, anyway? Aren't you number one?"

"I'm currently number one, yes. It's a slow night, so I'm free. And I tend to get the difficult clients." He sort of smiled at her again. "Any more questions?"

Karin was momentarily stunned mute. She was not difficult! Wary of the whole situation, maybe, but certainly not difficult enough to warrant being given the top host in the club, who apparently became that way by being able to pacify rude women. Hackles raised, she looked at him sharply. "Aren't you supposed to give me drinks or something?"

"Of course," he said, a little too placatingly for her tastes. "What would you like?"

"Well, what do you have?"

"This table is on the unlimited plan," he informed her. "Which means you get cheap beer, cheap shochu, or water."

She bit her lip, halting a smile before it crept onto her lips. She would not be amused by him. She would not allow him to play her like a fiddle, no matter how refreshing she found his blunt manner. "Cheap shochu. On the rocks."

He inclined his head, then left the table to order her drink. The other hosts took his cue, leaving them alone again.

Yuzu elbowed her again, though this time she was obviously excited. "Your host is super hot," she informed her. As if Karin didn't have eyes.

"His picture didn't do him justice," Makoto added forlornly. "If I had known—"

Karin huffed. "Yeah, well he's obviously a cocky little shit."

"But does that really matter, Karin?" Yuzu looked at her pointedly. "Does it?"

"Yes!" Though as the men came back with their drinks and she watched her host walk towards her, the air around him practically sparkling, she became less certain.

Her host slid into the seat next to hers, placing a bottle of shochu on the table in front of her, as well as two glasses filled with ice. "It's interesting. Most customers choose the beer."

Karin shrugged. "Yeah, well, I'm not like most customers."

He raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "Really."

"Really." She watched as he poured shochu into her glass, and instinctively reached for the bottle to return the favor.

He gently pushed her hands away, filling his own glass. "I'm here to serve you, remember?"

She wasn't used to this, and almost told him so. Instead, she took a swig of her drink to help swallow her apology. It trailed warmly down her throat. Cheap indeed.

"What's your name?" he asked, taking a sip from his own glass.

Her eyes narrowed. "What's yours?"

His lips quirked. "Taicho."

"Taicho," she repeated, baffled. He may have been the club's top earner, but how highly did he think of himself? "What the hell are you the captain of?"

"I didn't choose it," he responded, refilling both their glasses. Karin was surprised they had finished their first ones so quickly. "Matsumoto, the bartender, called me that when I first started. It stuck." He looked at her pointedly. "And you…?"

"I…" She was struck by sudden inspiration by her dress. "I'm Red. Karakura Red."

The amusement was evident in his tone. "Karakura Red."

"Childhood nickname," she explained vaguely.

"Well then, Red." He lifted his glass, and she did the same, clinking them together. "Nice to meet you."

Karin smirked, taking a deep sip from her glass. "The pleasure is all mine."

Taicho followed suit, easily draining the contents and reaching for the bottle again. He topped hers off, then refilled his. "So, Red. You mentioned not being like most customers."

Karin gasped dramatically, a hand over her heart. "You don't believe me?"

"I have a lot of customers," he replied, his tone feigning apologetic.

"Well, sir." The alcohol was definitely loosening her up, tongue especially. "Aside from the fact that I did not choose you, I also did not choose to come to this fine establishment tonight."

Actual surprise crossed his features. "Really."

She leaned in closer to him, subtly inclining her head towards Yuzu. "My sister had a bad breakup, and now she's kinda going through some stuff." A glance at her sister showed that Yuzu was too busy flirting with her host to pay them any attention.

Taicho nodded in understanding. "So you're here for support."

"Exactly." This close, she could see the flecks of green in his eyes, could see that even his eyelashes were white. She frowned. "How do you get your hair that color?"

"It grows that way," he told her so matter-of-factly that she knew he got the question often.

"Huh." She reached for the shochu bottle, and Taicho was too baffled to stop her this time.

"You aren't surprised?"

She shrugged, emptying the remainder of the bottle into their glasses. "My brother's natural hair color is orange. Hey, are you going to get us another bottle or what?"

"It's empty already?" he asked in bewilderment.

Karin grinned. "You know, Taicho, Baboon King wouldn't have pointed out my alcoholic tendencies."

"Baboon King would have been passed out by now," he retorted. "And don't worry. I was referring to my alcoholic tendencies, not yours."

"Well." She downed the rest of her drink, chewing on a few ice chunks and simpering. "Aren't we a pair."

He stood, lips upturned. "Aren't we."

~.~.~

Two and a half bottles of shochu in, Karin couldn't deny it—she was having a great time. Of course, she was so intoxicated that that wasn't a hard feat, but Taicho was admittedly good company. She found him easy to talk to, as they seemed to share the same dry sense of humor (and strange affinity for terrible liquor). It was possible that said liquor had merely mellowed them both out, but she didn't linger on it too much. Instead, she laughed as her red-faced sister engaged in a two-person conga line with her tattooed host.

Taicho placed light fingers on her arm to get her attention, and she jumped like she had touched a live wire. He snorted, a decent amount of color on his own face. "Red, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to do karaoke."

Karin took another sip of shochu to mask her embarrassment. "You want to do karaoke?"

"Definitely not," he responded firmly. "But I'm supposed to ask. And I will if you want me to. You paid for it."

Unbidden, the memory of the customer, hand on her host's thigh and going up up came to her. Tipsily, she wondered just what else she had purchased.

Narumi bounded over, grabbing Karin by the arm and attempting to lift her from her seat. "It's time to go," she announced. "If we stay any longer, we'll have to pay double."

Karin looked at the girl's watch, mystified at how quickly the time had disappeared. She had expected for the night to drag on, but it was already over. Shrugging the other girl off, she stood on her own, the sudden movement making her dizzy.

Taicho stood as well, steadying her as she regained her balance. "You can't leave," he told her, baffled.

Karin's eyebrows furrowed. "Is that a rule no one told us? That once you've entered a host club, you can never leave?"

"No, it's not that. It's just…" He was visibly flustered. It was adorable. "I'm supposed to ask you for your number before you leave."

She snickered. "Smooth, Casanova. Is that how you ask all your other women?"

He flushed. "Not usually."

"Well I guess I'm not like most of your customers, am I." She swayed a bit in her heels. "What are you going to do with it? Spam me until I come back?"

"Normally, yes," he admitted. "But you're not like most of my customers. So I'll probably just send you trivia facts or coupons for frozen yogurt or something."

Karin burst out laughing, earning a genuine smile from him. He was still holding her arm, and though she thought about shrugging him off, just as she had Narumi, she found herself liking the strangely cool touch of his fingers. "Why not," she mused aloud, taking his proffered pen and, to everyone's surprise, scrawling her actual phone number across the back of his hand. "I like frozen yogurt."

He didn't take his hand back right away, so Karin reluctantly retracted hers. "Well, we should get going."

He nodded, almost thoughtfully, and then he and the other hosts led them all back to the entrance. While the rest of her party thanked their hosts happily, Karin cleared her throat, strangely unsure of what to say. "Well, I guess I'll see ya around, Taicho."

His almost-smile was back. "Goodnight, Red."

They left then. All the way back to the subway, Yuzu and her friends tittered, properly buzzed. "That was fun, right?" the light-haired twin asked, linking her arm through Karin's.

"Surprisingly, yes," she admitted.

Yuzu sighed happily. "I'm so glad you had fun."

"I just wish we could have stayed longer," Makoto groaned.

It wasn't until she was halfway home that Karin realized she still had the pen.

A/N: Pervy!Yuzu is canon get it right get it right get it tight

*hardcore stans for pervy!Yuzu*