In "celebration" of yet another installment to Frank Miller's Dark Knight Universe, I "proudly" present a completely stupid one-shot dedicated to the kind of literary quality the man has become famous for. Co-written by Miller's fleeting dignity itself.

All characters are owned by DC Comics. All-Star Batman and Robin created by Frank Miller, and unfortunately they drug Jim Lee into that mess too.

Course language and mature themes ahead. You've been goddamn warned...

All-Star Batman and Robin Part II: The Electric Boogaloo

Gotham City: Shortly after Batman set a bunch of dudes on fire and then proceeded to kick their teeth in for the trouble.

So…a regular Tuesday, then…..

A constant deluge of rain sprouted from the heavens as the fearsome Caped Crusader sat perched on a stone gargoyle adorning the top of Wayne Tower.

Well…more accurately he sat perched on the trembling shoulders of his newly kidnapped bullet sponge, Robin (age 12), who's near constant complaining made him want to shove an aerosol can up his colon…

It didn't help his mood that no less than 4 people had insulted his bodacious batmobile (which is totally not a queer name) in the past…well time as a concept seemed to be flimsy at the moment, but all he knew was that the next bag of elephant queef that insulted his ride was going to be shitting out bat-boot laces for the next decade. Men…women…children…didn't matter. Hell he even saw a dog giving his car a funny look too.

He kicked it in the head. Hard. Reeeeaaallllyyy hard.

He had wanted to spray paint The Goddamn Batman complete with a middle finger on it after it stopped moving, but considering how he knew PETA was actually a front for the Fourth Reich, he decided against it. The goddamn Batman wasn't going to fight any goddamn Nazi's any goddamn time soon goddammit!

A muffled cry from Robin (age 12) stirred him from his thoughts of Nazi's and prostitutes (and Nazi prostitutes). His ward looked up at him with pleading eyes.

"Can you please get off? You're heavier than Catwoman's bust-line!"

Batman pondered his treatment of the boy for a brief second, wondering if the constant abuse he leveled at the clearly frightened and lost boy (age 12) would only further push him into the dark abyss that threatened to enclose around him. He stroked his stubble.

"Shut up you homo." came his eloquent response. Robin (age 12) only whimpered, much like that stupid dog.

Suddenly, a twinkle dancing in the night sky caught Batman's attention (but not in the gay way). It seemed to dart hard to the right in a pattern suggesting it was either lost or being written in such a way so to portray it as complete and utter doofus. Stopping mid-flight, as if someone finally managed to give it a flashlight and a map to find its own ass, it descended timidly towards the Gotham skyline.

Batman's brow furrowed. His fists clenched. His teeth ground together. Robin (age 12)'s lower vertebrate caved in.

Superman, the Man of Steel, his reviled and hated ally, hovered in front of him, a look of trepidation plastered on his incredibly stupid face. Batman shot him a glare that he hoped would cause thyroid cancer sometime in the Kryptonian's future.

"Batman…we need to talk."

The Dark Knight's gaze only hardened as he spoke, his annoying, do-gooder voice making him want to swallow his own head. In grating times like this, the ever prepared and mentally disturbed Batman had one fool-proof defense against Superman's blinding honesty and virtue…something that would allow him to escape this confrontation unharmed…something that would finally put the boy-scout in his place…

He imagined him in a 1950's style housemaid's outfit like the whipped bitch he was.

Batman would have laughed at this imagined sight before him if his parents weren't so goddamn dead…

"What do you want?" he growled, satisfied that Superman would never recover from the humiliation he had just been subjected too (because Batman was almost 73% sure that Jerry Seigel gave him the ability to read people's thoughts too…not like he didn't have enough powers the primordial slut…)

"We have some…concerns about your behaviour."

Batman's brow contorted again under his very, very scary mask. "We…as in your society of underwear model rejects?"

Superman scowled. Sticks and smoothbore rounds may not hurt him, but insults made his emotions explode faster than his home planet.

"We're not underwear rejects. Plastic Man doesn't even wear underwear…"

"Robin almost managed to kill Green Lantern. I don't care what you call yourselves so long as it starts with the word 'useless'."

"Yeah that's pretty much the entire reason why I'm talking to you…" His gaze lowered to the struggling Robin (age 12), who was slowly turning into a puddle under the debilitating weight and indifference of his crazed captor.

Batman scowled. "Oh come on, don't tell me you actually like Jordon! Kyle Rayner was a way better Green Lantern!"

"I prefer John Stewart myself, but that's not the point…" Superman began, his face about as intimidating as a goldfish. "Your methods are brutal and unbecoming of a Superhero. If you don't change your ways…"

"What, you'll issue a cease-and-desist letter and write about me in your column?" Batman interrupted. Superman looked on gloomily.

"If it comes to that, yes. Don't force my hand Batman; I don't want to have to fight you in 40 years after stopping a nuke because Ronald Reagan likes to rest his nuts on the launch button…we all know that will write the story completely into a corner."

Batman grunted. "You don't get it Superman. I can't change; not now, not ever. If I do…" he squinted his eyes, letting his emotions build up as if he was fighting Leonardo DiCaprio for the last Oscar in existence. "If I do, Superman…then the terrorists win…"

Superman looked shocked. "Wait…what?"

"ISLAM KENT! Don't you see it coming over the hills! It's a mother fucking HOLY TERROR UP IN THIS SHIT!"

"Bruce, you're not making any sense…"

"MY PARENTS ARE DEAD YOU CHILD MOLESTER!" Batman screamed, ignoring the completely flattened Boy Wonder (age 12) sloshing beneath his boots.

Superman shook his head. "This isn't going as planned…I didn't want to have to do this, but…"

Gotham City began to violently shake as funnels of black smoke rose from the forest of skyscrapers. The sky was choked out by the vicious onslaught of the inferno below as an inhuman bellow echoed throughout the gothic halls of the city. Batman stepped out of the puddle that was Robin (age 12) and wandered towards the edge of the roof, his eyes wide in terror. Shooting up from the haze came a fiery, raven-haired woman decked in the Star - Spangled Banner (god bless American bikini's), a sword threateningly pointed towards him.

"YOU! Alimony Check in the gimp suit! I command you to either do as we say or insert my sword into your left lung!"

Batman grimaced before turning towards Superman, his gaze turning from apocalyptic to Christian Bale-freak out in mere seconds.

"Why the fuck did you bring her?" he sneered.

Superman shrugged. "She said she would crush my head between her thighs if I didn't…"

Batman scowled with disgust dripping from his mouth like the bottle of whisky he chugged in the not-queerly-named Batmobile.

"You can tank the fucking moon you quivering vagina! What the hell could she possibly do, menstruate on you?"

Wonder Woman slammed into the roof of the tower in anger, sending bits and pieces of Dick Grayson (age 12) flying into the damp Gotham sky. She stormed towards Batman.

"You dare bring up my anatomy you anthropomorphic phallus?! I could kill you in more ways than your walnut sized brain could count!"

Batman leaned in closer. "And I'm the goddamn Batman! Why all the concern over me anyways? Do you get so little at home that you have to come down here and jerk me around instead? 'Man of Steel' not live up to his name? Do you know how many cops I could have killed at this point!?"

Superman's face sulked as his manhood took another beating (and not from a girl unfortunately) as The Queen of the Amazon's pressed her seething face against Batman's and growled. "Submit to my demands, or I will hang you by your entrails…"

Batman only smirked. "I for some reason have over 200 tons of TNT loaded in this building. I'd rather blow up the entire city block, myself with it, and have it strategically fall on that orphanage next to us, then to do what you want. And I'd do it with two bat-middle fingers planted firmly into your eyes…"

Wonder Woman stepped back, a look of confusion stricken across her face. Suddenly, it morphed into pure arousal. "You would huh…that's pretty hot." She sauntered back towards the stoic Dark Knight (who is used to this sort of thing after all), her hips waving seductively in the breeze. Superman cleared his throat.

"Uhmm, Diana I thought you and I were…"

She turned towards the sheepish Man of Steel. "Fuck off Kansas; you're too white bred for me. Besides, he's right about the 'Steel' part…"

"Oh…ok, I guess." he replied as he slowly drifted into the Gotham sky, a piece of Dick Grayson (age 12) floating onto his face in the breeze. Wonder Woman turned seductively back towards the Dark Knight, his parents still as dead as ever.

"So…do you keep a condom in that utility belt of yours?" she purred.

Batman's eyes lit up in surprise. "…the fucks a condom?"

Throughout Gotham, hundreds of bastard children rose from their cribs and screamed something about being the goddamn night, as Superman fleetingly hovered over the skyline, searching desperately for someone who could write a decent Man of Steel story (that wasn't Grant Morrison).

The goddamn End.

As much as I'm enjoying writing "Reign of Terror", I needed to itch my sarcastic bone. And considering how I've never seen a fanfic set in Earth-31 (probably for good reason), I thought: what the hell, why not shoot out a one-shot to get people mad at me.

Despite how much I love these characters (the actual characters, though I'm not opposed to the idea of a psychotic Batman that much), I had absolutely no trouble degrading these characters just to parody how Frank Miller writes them. If you liked this, be sure to see a psychiatrist and/or pick up All-Star Batman and Robin and read the failed-abortion for yourself.

Until next time...