Chapter 5

He could see that it was the last thing that Clarke had expected.

"Bellamy," she spoke calmly, trying to redirect him toward their more immediate goal. "Whatever it is, we don't have time to talk about it now. We'll be late to the meeting."

"Then all those important clan leaders will just have to wait," he said, refusing to be diverted. "I really don't care. But if you're worried about being late, then I suggest the sooner we get this settled, the faster we'll be on our way."

When he saw her face, Bellamy wondered whether his earlier analogy to feeling like a hunter hadn't been apt, after all, because Clarke suddenly looked afraid. And that was the very last thing he wanted.

"Clarke," he said, reaching out to lightly stroke her arm. "Why are you so scared to talk to me?"

"What is it you want to know?" she asked stiffly, seemingly resigned to the delay. And to the inquisition. "Is this about...my conversation with Lexa yesterday?"

Bellamy sighed. "Maybe," he said. "I guess that depends on how you answer the next question."

Clarke pressed her lips together and gave him a quick nod. "Ask," she said.

And with permission finally granted, Bellamy asked the one question that had been tormenting him ever since his conversation with Octavia. Ever since Clarke had refused to tell him about her own conversation with Lexa.

"Are you coming back with us, Clarke?" he said, making it as simple and direct as he could.

"Back...?" She looked perplexed.

"Back to Camp Jaha. To stay. When we're done here." He wanted to be clear.

"But I thought I'd already answered that question," she said uncertainly.

'Yes, you did," he agreed. "But that was before."

"Before...?"

"Before...Lexa," he said with a sigh. "Before you saw Lexa yesterday. So now what I want to know is, are you going to stay here with Lexa instead of returning with us?"

By the time he got the whole question out, Bellamy's breathing was shallow and his heart was racing. He couldn't imagine that Clarke didn't see right through him.

She looked blank at first, but then a blush rose from the low neckline of the blue dress until it covered her cheeks and forehead. She sat down abruptly on the wooden stool, the only seat in the room. Bellamy crouched in front of her, ever mindful of the need to keep his clothing as clean as possible.

"Why would you ask me that?" she asked quietly, her eyes flitting away from him.

"Because I know there's something between you and Lexa." It was nearly impossible for him to get those words out, but Bellamy wanted to be as honest as he could. "Or at least...there was. While I was in the mountain. And you don't have to tell me it's none of my business because I already know that," he added, making every effort not to sound accusatory but very much fearing that he was not successful.

He thought for a moment that Clarke might stonewall him, might simply agree that the subject was, in fact, none of his business. But she did not.

"How did you...what did you hear?" she asked instead, and he could see that beneath her veneer of calm, some strong emotion was at work.

"Just that...I was told that...there was...a kiss." He shook his head. "That's all I know, but that's enough."

Clarke's calm appeared to desert her.

"Enough for what, Bellamy? You heard about...a kiss, and you were ready to presume...what? That I was that same naïve girl who'd fallen for Finn? That I was about to take on a new lover? Or maybe you thought I'd already done that."

She looked at Bellamy and he could see the hurt in her eyes.

"Is that what this is really about?" she asked. "Was I such a fool that I let the Grounder leader dupe me into making rash decisions? I thought that you, of all people, would know me better than that."

"I do know you better than that, Clarke," he said, shaking his head. "That's not what I meant at all."

Bellamy ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

"Look, I know...I know it has nothing do with me..." he began again.

"Stop saying that!" she broke in suddenly. "Stop saying it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with you."

Bellamy's eyes widened in surprise, but he nodded at her, encouraging her to continue.

"Okay," he said, "so tell me. Tell me what happened to you while I was in the mountain? And tell me what it has to do with me?"

He waited for her to begin, but when she finally spoke, her first words surprised him.

"I missed you," she said. "I sent you into that mountain of horrors like it was the only course of action available. Like there were no other choices." She stopped, took a deep breath. "And look what happened to you," she said, her eyes filling with tears.

"Clarke," he said softly, looking into her eyes, "we've been over this part before. I needed to go. It was the only way to make the plan work. And besides, you know damn well it was my own idea."

"But you never would have gone if I hadn't agreed," she said vehemently. "You know that's true, Bellamy."

"Why did you change your mind about that?" he asked, trying to deflect her thoughts before she could become weighed down by guilt yet again.

"It was something Lexa said," she admitted, shaking her head, "but I shouldn't have listened to her."

"Well, maybe she was right about that, at least," he said with a shrug. "It was what needed to be done."

"No, she wasn't," she said deliberately, declining to elaborate.

Bellamy wondered how she could be so sure of that, but before he could ask, Clarke spoke again.

"The one thing I never anticipated," she said candidly, "was what it would be like for me when you weren't around. Because suddenly you were gone, and everything seemed twice as hard. Every decision that we would have shared I now had to make without you. So when I got to Tondc and Lexa told me what we needed to do..."

Clarke shook her head and sighed. "Lexa was a seasoned commander and she always seemed so sure of everything..."

"It's okay, Clarke," Bellamy interrupted again. "We've talked about Tondc. We don't need to do it again."

"But everything...afterwards," she tried to explain. "It all started with what happened at Tondc."

"What did?" he asked.

Clarke took a deep breath. "I haven't told anyone about this, Bellamy. And If I tell you now," she said, grabbing onto his hands, "I want you to promise me that you'll stay calm until I've explained everything."

"Okay," he said immediately. He would have agreed to anything to get her to continue, but he wouldn't break his promise. Bellamy knew by the set of her shoulders that this was something he wasn't going to like, but when she started to speak, it was the very last thing he expected.

"It's about Octavia," she said finally.

"What?" he said, his entire body rearing back, but she still held onto his hands. "What the hell does any of this have to do with Octavia?"

Clarke sighed. "Octavia is smart, Bellamy. No one knows that better than you. And the next day, the day after the missile struck, she...figured it out. That Lexa and I had known about the missile but hadn't...warned anyone. I tried to explain to her how it was, how dangerous it would have been...for you, but she wasn't buying it."

Clarke paused to clear her throat. "And honestly, Bellamy, it wasn't exactly my finest hour. How could I justify it to Octavia when I could hardly justify it to myself? The only good thing was...I knew you were...probably...still alive."

"Yeah, I think I've already heard about this conversation from Octavia," he said.

"I'm sure you have," Clarke agreed. "The problem was what came afterwards. I told Octavia not to say anything, and I tried to make her understand how dangerous it could be if people knew. I was pretty sure I'd convinced her of that at least, but then..."

Clarke's voice trailed off as she hesitated.

"But then what, Clarke?" he asked. "What is it that you're so reluctant to tell me?"

She sighed in remembrance. "Our conversation was overheard by Lexa," she said. "I told her over and over that Octavia wouldn't say anything, that she could be trusted, but I guess Lexa didn't believe me."

Clarke watched him carefully as the words she never wanted him to hear tumbled out.

"Lexa ordered one of her warriors to kill Octavia."

"What!" Bellamy's reaction was both violent and immediate, just as she had known it would be.

Clarke wasn't surprised when he pulled his hands from hers and jumped to his feet, towering over her as she sat there on the stool.

"What the hell do you mean?" he asked, quivering with rage. "How do you know that?"

"Bellamy," she said, grabbing again at his hands. "Octavia is okay. Try to remember that."

"Still waiting, Clarke," he said, his voice harsh with anger.

"Please sit," she said, pulling at his hands. "I can't think with you looming over me like that."

Bellamy slowly resumed his position, crouching back down beside her at eye level. He knew she was right, of course. Octavia was perfectly okay, sitting out there in the kitchen waiting for the two of them to emerge. But still, just the idea that someone had wanted to have her killed. And not just someone. Lexa.

His jaw clenched, but he shook his head to clear it and forced himself to calm down. "What happened, Clarke?" he asked quietly.

She shrugged. "I figured it out, it doesn't matter how, and chased after the man Lexa had sent to kill Octavia. I got there just in time," she said, swallowing thickly as she remembered her absolute terror that she'd be too late. "And I...persuaded him that he didn't want to carry out those particular orders."

Clarke sighed heavily. "And when we got back to camp, I spoke to Lexa and she rescinded the order. But she said 'for now', Bellamy," she told him, looking into his eyes. "I was so afraid that she'd change her mind again, that Octavia could still be in danger. I knew she wasn't happy that I'd defended Octavia. It almost seemed like it upset Lexa to think that I actually cared about anyone."

Clarke paused. "She'd already been asking about...about you."

"About me? Was she planning to have me killed too?" he asked, his voice tight.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "That wasn't it. She was asking about...how much I cared about you. Cared about your safety."

"And what did you tell her?" Bellamy asked, astonished that he had been a topic of conversation between Clarke and Lexa.

"I...I told her that I cared about all of my people," she replied, not quite looking him in the eye. "But...I...it didn't seem like she believed me. And then I remembered about...Costia and the Ice Nation Queen."

"Costia? The Ice Nation? Who the hell is Costia?" Bellamy was bewildered as the conversation seemed to skitter down a side path.

Clarke closed her eyes briefly, wondering how to explain it all to Bellamy when she wasn't sure she understood it herself.

"Costia was Lexa's lover," she clarified. "When they were at war, the Ice Nation Queen killed Costia because she knew that Lexa loved her."

Clarke sighed. "It was a...a...cautionary tale that Lexa told me the day of Finn's funeral. Love is weakness. That's what she said. And she used the story about Costia to explain why leaders couldn't be weak. And later on, when we were waiting to march to the mountain, when I had nothing to do but wonder about everything that had happened, I couldn't help remembering that conversation, and I thought...Is that how the Grounders try to control you? By killing those you...care for?"

She looked at Bellamy. "And I knew right then I didn't want her to learn...anything. About who I might care about, who might be special to me. I didn't want her to have anything she might be able to...use against me."

He nodded, understanding how she might have feared for them all. But at the same time, the words from her story were reverberating in Bellamy's head. Love is weakness? That's what Lexa had told her?

Bellamy thought that idea was just so much bullshit. How the hell could love be weakness? He knew very well, after a lifetime of caring for Octavia, that sometimes love was the only thing that made it worth getting up in the morning. That connection with another human being.

But he remembered that Clarke had been vulnerable then, still reeling from what had happened with Finn. So...it might have made sense to her. She might have thought it would be easier to just shut herself down and care for no one at all.

Bellamy remembered, too, some other words, words that hadn't made sense to him at the time. I was being weak, she'd said, and sent him to the mountain. And he hadn't known what the hell she was talking about.

Love is weakness. I was being weak. Damn, he thought, squeezing her hands tightly, as understanding dawned. Damn.

"So why don't you tell me the rest of it?" he said softly when they'd both been silent for several minutes.

"Okay," she said, sighing, and began to speak again.

"It was later, when we...when Lexa and I...were talking about what happened at Tondc that I understood that she might have...personal feelings for me. I suppose I should have...figured it out before then, but we were so busy planning for the assault on the mountain that I wasn't thinking about anything else."

Clarke looked at him intently then, and he squeezed her hands again.

"I was trying to focus only on what was right in front of me, what the next thing was that had to be done. Trying to be strong. But at the same time, I was...lonely. My mother had gone back to Camp Jaha, and Octavia was so angry with me that she'd barely speak to me."

She took a deep breath, willing him to understand how it had been for her.

"And I missed you, Bellamy," she said softly, "and I was desperately worried about you, and at the same time filled with guilt because I'd sent you there in the first place."

Bellamy started to protest, as he always did, that it had been his own idea, but she stopped him with a tug on his hand.

"It doesn't matter now whose idea it was," she said. "It only matters that I was lonely, and feeling guilty, and afraid, and trying to keep all that to myself, because I had a war to fight, and right then that's all that was important. But it was so hard, Bellamy. And the only person I was really spending time with was Lexa, and after a while I guess I came to depend on her...company. She, at least, understood the...the loneliness of being a leader."

Clarke paused then, closing her eyes. Perhaps against the onslaught of memories from those terrible days when she was so desperately trying to hold herself together.

"So when she was kind to me," Clarke continued speaking, opening her eyes and looking fixedly at Bellamy, "when she seemed to care about me...when she reminded me that she hadn't let me burn at Tondc, and then reached toward me and...kissed me, well, at first, I was a little...surprised. A little...taken aback. I'd never kissed a woman before, and I remember thinking how soft her lips felt. But mostly I was surprised because it was Lexa."

She stopped abruptly then, and Bellamy could see her going over it in her mind, as though she wanted to be as honest as possible about everything that had happened, everything she had thought and felt.

"It was...pleasant. And...and sweet. And, in some ways, so very comforting. Someone cared about me, wanted...me. Someone I...admired. At that moment," she swallowed convulsively, the words she was about to say bitter on her lips. "At that moment, we were in it together, we were a team, and we'd beat our enemy together. And I...responded to that, all of it. I kissed her back."

It wasn't exactly what Bellamy had expected, but it was still gut-wrenchingly difficult to hear. Without conscious thought, he loosened his grip on Clarke's hands, as if to pull away.

"Bellamy!" she said, looking into his eyes and grasping his hands even more tightly. "I'm not done, yet. You haven't heard it all."

Bellamy nodded. "Of course," he said, trying to quiet the turmoil in his heart. "Go on."

"I haven't told you everything else I was thinking," she continued. "It was all a jumble then, but I had time to sort it out later, and somewhere in the back of my mind I must have known it could be dangerous to reject Lexa. Oh, I didn't think that she would have hurt me, at least not right then. But I was still concerned about Octavia. There was nothing that said Lexa couldn't reinstitute that kill-order, and how could I be sure I could stop it the next time?"

Clarke looked down at their hands, then, still linked tightly together. Her expression was earnest and her voice soft as she tried desperately to make him understand.

"And then there was you, Bellamy. You were so...vulnerable. Even after the army got to the mountain, I wasn't sure how I'd find you. How I could keep you safe. I remembered again about the Ice Nation Queen. And Costia."

Bellamy cleared his throat, afraid to ask but needing to know.

"What happened next?" he said.

Clarke shook her head. "Nothing," she said. "I told her I couldn't think about anything...like that...then. I was...purposely ambiguous. I wanted...needed...her to remain on my side. On our side."

Clarke gave a little laugh then. "Much good that did me. In the end, she broke the alliance and betrayed us all. And left us there to die."

She sighed. "But at least she did permanently rescind the order to kill Octavia."

Bellamy felt relief course through him. Perhaps, after all, he'd be able to prevent himself from leaping across the table and throttling the Grounder Commander. He had a sudden thought.

"How much does Octavia know about this?" he asked her. "The near-assassination? The threat on her life?"

"Nothing," she said quickly. "She knows none of it. I thought...as long as Lexa finally came to see reason about Octavia, she didn't need to know. I was afraid of what Octavia might do if she knew. Or what Lincoln might do. And I wanted them both safe. I wanted them both...alive."

Bellamy nodded his understanding. He knew Clarke was probably right not to have told her, but he also recognized the irony of Octavia castigating Clarke and the choices she'd made, while all the while Clarke had been keeping Octavia safe. Bellamy shook his head. Someday, he thought, when life on this planet was a little more forgiving, he would tell Octavia all about it. But not today.

He sighed. "So what about yesterday?" he asked at last. "What did Lexa need to tell you that was so personal that it had to be said in private?"

Clarke flushed, but Bellamy wasn't sure if it was from anger or embarrassment, and for a moment, he wondered if she was going to put him off, as she had the day before. But then she began to speak.

"She wanted me to understand that there was nothing personal about what she did at the mountain." Clarke's voice was contemptuous. "As though there could be a reason for breaking her word after we made it possible for her to get her people back."

She paused. "I told her that was bullshit. That leaving us there to die had felt pretty personal to me. That she'd owed the alliance some loyalty and that what she'd done was dishonorable, not to mention cowardly."

Clarke gave a little grin. "She looked shocked. I don't think anyone ever talks to her like that."

Bellamy grinned in return. "Probably not," he said. "I wish I could have seen the look on her face. So is that all she wanted?" he asked after a moment. "To try to rationalize her actions at the mountain?"

The flush was back on Clarke's face then as she replied, "No, not...entirely."

"Then what?" he asked, quirking a brow, certain that they were now getting to the heart of whatever it was she hadn't wanted to tell him the day before.

Clarke straightened on the stool, suddenly looking everywhere but at him.

"She wanted to know if we...you and I...if we were lovers," she said quickly.

Bellamy was somewhat abashed. "She asked you that?" he said, disbelieving. "And did you tell her the truth?"

"I told her it was none of her business," Clarke said stubbornly. "That's as much of my truth as she was entitled to."

Bellamy was astounded. "But that will just make her think that we are," he said, rising to his knees in front of her. "You know that."

Bellamy touched her chin, moving her head gently until she was forced to look him in the eye.

"Why didn't you just tell her that we weren't lovers?" he asked quietly.

For a long moment, Bellamy thought she wasn't going to answer, but then she took a deep breath, and gave a little shrug.

"Because somehow that didn't feel like the right answer," she said, barely above a whisper.

Everything in Bellamy stilled except his racing pulse. "Clarke," he said, her name a caress, his deep voice soft with emotion. His hand moved from her chin to gently stroke her cheek. "Then...why did you leave me? All those months that you were gone I almost went crazy worrying about you."

"I'm so sorry," she said desperately, covering his hand on her cheek with her own. "I never even...I wasn't thinking about that. The only thing I could seem to remember was all the terrible things I'd done."

Clarke squeezed his hand, willing him to understand. "You told me once that you were a monster," she said, "and that's just how I felt. Like I was...tainted. And...I had to get away from everything that I cared about. Everyone that I cared about." She paused for just a heartbeat. "You."

"But you weren't any more culpable than I was," Bellamy protested, shaking his head. "Wouldn't it have been better if we could have...comforted each other? Tried to help each other get past it?"

"Maybe," she said, sighing. "Probably. But I didn't think I deserved to be comforted, Bellamy. To have even a fraction of the pain taken away. To be even a little bit happy. Not until I'd done...penance."

"Did it help?" Bellamy asked, wondering if there was any course of action that could ever make either of them feel any better about what had happened at the mountain. He'd thrown himself into his work, and she'd gone off alone to do penance. His method hadn't managed to lessen the guilt and the regret, and he wondered if she'd fared any better.

"Wherever you went, whatever you did, did it lessen the pain?" he said.

"Not really," she answered truthfully. "Other than teaching me that I have to learn to live with myself no matter what I've done. You can't...there's no way to leave the past behind. It's with you no matter where you go."

Bellamy sighed. "And are you ever going to tell me where you went?" he asked. "How you tried to do penance?"

"Maybe. Someday. But I was never very far," she admitted, her face soft. "I could never make myself go very far."

"And, just to be clear, you're not planning on leaving again." He made it a statement.

Clarke's mouth turned up in the smallest of smiles. "I could never leave you again," she said softly.

He smiled at her then, and when she turned her face into his palm with a soft little sigh, Bellamy closed the distance between them without another thought.

She gave a little gasp when he kissed her, and he thought about how wonderfully soft her lips were as they moved beneath his. He was gentle at first, almost tentative. He could hardly believe that she was there in his arms. But when she gave a little moan, his control broke.

Bellamy wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly against him, deepening the kiss until they were both breathless and wanting. The whole world faded away, until it was just Clarke and Bellamy in that spartan room, and nothing else mattered. He felt his body react and he groaned in frustration because he knew they had to leave soon.

Clarke's smile was teasing when she pulled away. "Are you sure you wanted to start this right now?" she asked.

Bellamy stood up, pulling her off the stool and enfolding her in his arms. He buried his face in her hair and breathed in the scent of her.

"Maybe we can skip today's session," he said with a smirk. "Make 'em wait. There's always tomorrow."

"And do you want to be the one to tell Kane and my mother that the negotiations failed because we insulted the clan leaders by missing the first meeting? You can follow up with a description of our important alternate activities." He could hear the laughter in her voice.

Bellamy snorted as he thought about that prospective conversation, but the sound was muffled by Clarke's hair. He pulled back to gaze down at her, marveling again that she was really, truly here in his arms. When he kissed her again, he pulled her as close to him as possible, as though trying to imprint himself on her body. Bellamy was overwhelmed, amazed that he could feel so protective and so possessive, and yet still be so aroused.

When they finally broke apart this time, Clarke was the one protesting.

"Come on," he said, taking her hand and reluctantly tugging her towards the door. "Or I will be having that conversation with your mother."

When they opened the door, four faces looked up expectantly. Three were blank, but Octavia smirked knowingly when she saw their hands entwined.

"Well, if we're past the drama," she said, "you might have noticed that it's almost sunset. Time to go."

Lincoln and Octavia were quickly out the door, already on their way, since they would be acting as the escort for the Skaikru leaders. Lain and Daniel wished their guests great success, and then Lain pulled Clarke into an embrace in the doorway.

"It's the dress," she said softly. "It's already brought you good luck today, and there will be more to come. You'll see."

Clarke blushed just a little as she thanked Lain for lending it to her and followed Bellamy out into the street. He was waiting to join hands with her as they walked hurriedly through the twilit city.

"I know it's made us late," he said, "but I can't be anything but glad that we talked. That we finally had that conversation."

She nodded her agreement. "But I don't think the conversation is over," she said, squeezing his hand tightly, as they rounded the final corner, coming at last in sight of the Great Hall.

Lincoln and Octavia were on the stone steps, waiting for their charges to reach them and be escorted into the hall.

When they reached the doorway, Clarke and Bellamy stopped for a moment to gather themselves mentally before they entered the chamber. Clarke had begun to move through the door when she felt a sudden tug on her hand.

"What is it?" she asked. "We really should go in now."

Bellamy smiled, bending down to murmur in her ear.

"I just wanted to make it clear," he said very deliberately, "that no matter what happens in there - or anywhere else - our conversation will never be over."

Clarke smiled in return.

"Do you think the clan leaders will find it odd if the members of the Skaikru team hold hands during the meeting?" she asked, looking down at their clasped hands.

Bellamy grinned. "Maybe...probably," he said, as they stepped through the doorway. "But right now I'm pretty sure I don't give a damn."