Most of the time, Magnus forgot how young Alec was.

It might have been because Alec was the oldest of his siblings and that's how he's always acted, protecting them, putting their lives before his. Or maybe it's because Alec made a conscious effort to not remind Magnus of their age difference. While slightly inebriated and half asleep, he'd once admitted that he was afraid he wasn't good enough for Magnus, too young, inexperienced, or whatever other internalized insecurities he had.

Whatever the reason, it often slipped Magnus's mind that Alec was only 18. Sometimes the age difference seemingly appeared out of nowhere, and Magnus could never quite snap out of those moments.

The day after the demon wards went down, Magnus found Alec in the grassy field behind the Penhallows' house, looking down at something he clutched in his hand. Magnus couldn't quite see what it was from a distance, but as he came closer, he made out the faint outline of a toy soldier silhouetted by the eerie glow of moonlight.

"Alec?"

Alec startled, tucking the figurine into his jacket pocket, and lifted his head to meet Magnus's eyes.

"What are you-" The words caught, shriveling up in Magnus's throat when he glimpsed the expression on Alec's face. "What's wrong?"

Alec made a sound that could almost be a laugh and folded his knees up, hugging them to his chest.

"Nothing." It came out strangled and he cleared his throat. "Nothing's wrong." The words left a lingering taste in Alec's mouth as he tested them, willing them to be true for just a moment.

Magnus stayed silent, only giving Alec a questioning gaze, but left it alone since he didn't seem up to talking. Instead, he used this moment to give Alec a once-over—a few bruises here and there, a somewhat large cut on his cheekbone—and wondered why he hadn't used an iratze. Never mind that now, Magnus thought, pushing his concerns away.

At closer observation, he could see the dark shadows underneath Alec's eyes and red teeth marks on his lower lip, undoubtedly from his tendency of biting it. Bad habit, a nervous thing, Alec had said when Magnus had questioned him about it once.

Magnus fluttered his hands around Alec's face, blue sparks flying from his fingertips, as they erased bruises and knit cuts back together.

"Alec," he murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind Alec's ear, "what's wrong?"

There was a long pause and Alec touched his forehead to his knees, closing his eyes. His throat worked as he tried to shape words. "Max is dead."

Magnus inhaled sharply. "How—When did that…" He trailed off, thinking it over. The last time he'd seen Alec was last night, when they were fighting the Iblis demons, so it happened less than 24 hours ago. Still a fresh wound, he thought. It was a wound of a different caliber, one that Magnus couldn't fix with his magic.

"Sebastian hit him in the head with a hammer." Alec's voice wavered as he fought for composure. "And this," he held the toy soldier up to the light, "is what Max was holding when he—when it happened. Jace gave it to him."

Max had always looked up to Jace the most, Magnus knew, had practically worshipped him, which made sense. Alec had spent most of his teenage years pushing everyone away, cooped up in the library or pouring himself into training as a distraction from his own problems. He hadn't exactly ignored Max during this time, though that wasn't much better.

Alec had been the one to coax Max along, offering quiet words of encouragement and little actions, but he rarely expressed his affection out loud.

Though none of the Lightwoods were really very vocal about their feelings. Did Max ever pick up on those subtle gestures or did he die thinking that his family merely tolerated him? It was something that Alec would agonize over for months, even years.

Magnus wrapped an arm around Alec's waist, pulling him into his side. "Are you okay?"

Stupid question, Magnus mentally chastised. Of course he's not okay.

"It's just—It doesn't feel real. None of this feels real, like I'm dreaming right now and I'll wake up and everything will be fine and I feel like I should be grieving or crying—or something." Alec's breath hitched. "I don't—I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

When he spoke again, it was quieter and sounded like it was coming from underwater. "The only thing I know is that I have to keep it together for everyone else. Isabelle's blaming herself and locked herself in her room, and Jace is trying to track Sebastian to avenge Max's death. He hasn't told me what he's trying to do because he knows how I would react—he's reckless, you know that, and I can't lose someone else. I can't." His voice was almost a whisper now. "I should have been there to protect Max. My only purpose in life is to protect people, Max, Isabelle, and Jace in particular, and I managed to mess that up too."

"Alec," sighed Magnus. "It's not your fault, okay? It's not. I could repeat that over and over, and I know you still wouldn't believe me."

"It's my responsibility, as a Shadowhunter and an older brother." Alec straightened up. Magnus's hand fell from his shoulder, and his arm hung loosely, fingertips brushing the dew-dropped grass.

"You can't save everyone, try as you might. And tearing yourself apart because you think that it's your fault won't help anyone else either."

Alec didn't reply, staring at the expanse of land ahead with such intensity that Magnus even looked over his shoulder a couple times. There was nothing out there, except for a pine tree and a smaller willow sapling leaning against it, leaves drooping as if it was tired from holding itself up.

God, I really don't know how to do this comforting thing, thought Magnus. He'd comforted a handful of people before, an image of a girl with a ticking angel and steady, grey-blue eyes being the first to pop to mind, but they were all immortal. He'd mostly reassured them that time would dull—if not heal—the grief, that they'd find someone else, but none of this applied to Alec.

Although, most of the things he'd learned before didn't apply to Alec, his first so many things.

Magnus stole another glance at Alec, who looked almost like a painting, sharp angles on smooth, pale parchment. The speed and velocity at which Magnus had fallen for Alec, the most unlikely candidate, was almost terrifying. He had broken all previously known boundaries and made Magnus want to write flowery prose and pointless, lovesick poems about the exact shade of blue his eyes were or the way his hair fell across his forehead.

And yet Magnus didn't know how to comfort him. He eventually went about it the only way he knew how—he hugged him. He held him tight against his body, as if he could shield Alec from his own thoughts that were tearing him apart. Alec tensed up but, after a moment, relaxed and leaned closer until he was engulfed in Magnus's arms, seeming impossibly small.

The protective instinct was welling up inside Magnus, pressing against the walls of his heart, upon his realization of how young Alec was. This was his first death in the family, and as a warlock, time slipped through Magnus's fingertips like sand. How long would it be until Magnus would have to stand by while Alec watched, one by one, as his family and the people he loved died?

The urge to wrap Alec in cotton wool, give him hot chocolate, and protect him from everything was stronger than ever.

The next time Magnus had another one of these moments was before the Mortal War, when Alec asked him to be his partner in battle. Alec had his fingers wrapped around Magnus's wrist, holding it steady, and Magnus watched as he traced the Alliance rune on with his stele. The rune didn't hurt exactly, but it did sort of tingle, like running a hand under warm water after spending a long time in the cold.

"Alec?" Magnus said under his breath, noticing the sideways glances of other Shadowhunters and Downworlders.

"Mhmm?" Alec was fixed with an expression of concentration, looking down at the dark, swirling lines of the rune.

"I know you're trying to keep this," Magnus gestured vaguely between them (which was appropriate since they hadn't exactly defined what 'this' was yet), "a secret, and you're probably aware of the looks of people are giving us. I don't mind, but…"

Alec's head jerked up, eyes flicking around the room with a hunted glance. "Oh. That." He paused for a second, his grip still tight on Magnus's wrist. "I think I'm gently nudging them in the right direction."

"Wouldn't it be easier to just, you know, come out?" Magnus was more than supportive when Alec first told him that he wasn't ready to come out yet, but he was beginning to have doubts if Alec would ever admit that he was gay, let alone dating a Downworlder.

Alec shot him a frustrated look. "It's not that simple. You know that. And besides, I don't want my sexuality to become who I am." Magnus opened his mouth to ask what that was supposed to mean but Alec plowed on, as if sensing his question. "I mean, I don't want to be known as "That Gay One." And it's not illegal but it's discouraged, though no one will say that out loud. They just kind of… avoid talking about it."

"But that wouldn't be so bad, would it?"

"Yes, it would, Magnus." Alec tucked his stele into his belt, looking vaguely annoyed. "I'm not even talking about how other people would react anymore. They can't strip me of my Marks or throw me out for being gay, but they can pick at every other thing I do to find a reason to kick me out. It's happened before, and I don't know how my parents would react, if they'd cut me off or—I don't know. I technically receive pay at 18, but I don't have enough savings or know if I could make it alone and—"

Whatever frustration Magnus previously felt melted away, replaced with a pang of fondness in his chest. He was suddenly hit with the realization of "Alec is actually only barely an adult, we're going off to war, let me tuck him away from the world in a blanket so no one will hurt him." He was aware that this was an irrational thought, seeing as Alec killed demons for a living and definitely didn't need any coddling, though that didn't stop the thoughts from coming.

"Okay, okay, it's fine," said Magnus. "You don't have to come out until you're ready, alright?"

Alec sighed in relief, making Magnus wish more than ever that he hadn't pushed the topic. "Okay."

Later, when Alec kissed him in front of the Clave, Magnus's first reaction was shock, which he quickly recovered from into elation, then an odd desire to laugh because this probably wasn't the "subtle nudging" Alec had been referring to.

Hand in hand, Alec and Magnus made their way to the lake side, with Magnus settling down on his back before tugging Alec down beside him, and they looked up at the night sky, stars gleaming like polished jewels. Bat and Maia walked barefoot alongside the lake, while Simon and Isabelle leaned on each other a couple feet away, snippets of conversation and laughter drifting over.

With a hand in midair, Alec traced a finger along a line of stars. "…there's a triangle and this group a little off to the side, here, see? Together, it's Leo." Magnus's fingers twitched ever so slightly, and as Alec drew another imaginary line connecting the stars, glitter trailed from his fingertip.

The corner of Alec's mouth quirked up.

"How do you know all this about stars and constellations? There aren't that many stars in the city. Light pollution and all that." Magnus wiggled his fingers, lit up like glow sticks, and swirls and curliques weaved together to form words in front of their eyes.

"I've always liked astronomy, I guess. When I was younger and we still lived in Idris, I remember looking at the stars and making up my own constellations." Alec fidgeted with the Lightwood ring, twisting it around his finger, and paused as if caught up in old memories. "When we moved, Hodge gave me the Institute's textbooks on astronomy and I ended up recreating some of the constellations with glow in the dark stars on my ceiling."

Magnus could just imagine 8-year-old Alec, surrounded by big, leather-bound textbooks bigger than he was and examining them with a serious expression, lips shaping ancient names.

Then an image of Alec standing in the doorway of his apartment, on the night of Chairman's birthday party, flashed in his brain. He had been curled up into himself and buried in a oversized sweater, as if he wanted to be overlooked, and Magnus compared it to how Alec had looked in battle, how he carried himself with his shoulders back and his arm flexed while nocking an arrow.

The protective instinct appeared again, though it was in a different way. Alec was completely capable of taking care of himself—and always had been—but Magnus had watched him grow into another version of himself. A wave of affection washed over him and he leaned over to press a kiss to the corner of Alec's mouth.

Alec tilted his head to the side, brushing his lips against Magnus's, before tucking his head under Magnus's chin. "What was that for?"

Magnus pointed up at the sky, where the glittering letters he'd been creating earlier were completed.

Aku cinta kamu.

Alec grinned against Magnus's chest.

fin.

A/N: Slight TID reference in there, if you caught it. This fic has been sitting half-finished on my laptop (along with two other ones that are still unfinished) for literally six months until I finally decided to do something with it.
Also, thank you to Grace AKA thewarlocksbitch on tumblr for beta editing!