Ohmaigawsh.

This chapter is so late, it isn't even funny! I will update this story on Mondays only (my profile houses my updating schedule), but I meant to upload this earlier in the day! So sorry! But thank you, all of my reviewers, readers, followers, and favoriters! You guys are the best and keep me going!

I am not doing another disclaimer, so read this one, and read it good.

I don't own anything aside from the cat who terrorizes Yami, and is obsessed with Yugi. Everyone else belongs to the creators of Yu-Gi-Oh. I own nothing.

Ehehehehehe... keep in mind that the cat has a habit of talking about adult stuff, so if you're not down with that I don't recommend reading this fanfiction, okay?

Enjoy~

Yami narrowed his eyes.

"Don't say such things in front of Yugi."

The cat sniffed haughtily and jumped off of his throne of porn, marching into the center of the room and eying Yami with intense loathing. He wasn't going to just let this prick leave with his true love!

OH NO SIR!

"If you don't want anything bad around Yugi, why do you 'grace' him with your presence?" The cat asked, obviously quite pleased with his comeback. But Yami wasn't going to let him get away, either.

"Because he needs protecting from idiots like you." The duelist shot back, the sudden urge to step on this thing's neck rising with every second that passed. He really, really hated this thing.

"Guys, please stop..." Yugi requested timidly. Previously, he'd been tempted to hide behind Yami. But the moment he saw his other self's eyes narrow with the anger of a bull seeing Taylor Swift's lips, he figured he should probably stay away.

"No, he'll mess with you." Both 'Yamis' said in unison, glaring each other after what had happened.

"Wait!" They both looked at Yugi with raised eyebrows (although the cat's wasn't quite so visible). Yugi glanced at the cat. "How can you talk so well?"

"I'll explain." The cat offered, once again leaping onto his throne of porn. He cleared his barely existent cat throat and began the tale of a life time. Well, the tale of a cat who lived in ancient Egypt.

"It was a hot day in Egypt..."

"You really should get more sofas." I remarked, studying the bare floor of the palace. "My feet are exhausted!"

"Then go sit down." One of the priests -Seth, or whatever his name was- remarked irritably, sending me a rather menacing glare. Of course, I ignored him and continued being the beautiful beast that I am.

"You know, Higeki -"

I hissed and glared up at Atem. "You know I hate being called that."

"Wait, hold up!"

The black feline scowled. "Why'd you have to go and interrupt my story?"

"You knew Atem?" Yugi asked, eyes wide with shock. It was a little frightening, considering his eyes were already pretty wide, but those in the room let it slide because they were both hopelessly in love with him.

"Yup!" The animal replied boastfully, seemingly smirking. "We were best buds! I hung around his throne all of the time and followed him out into battle. So what I stood like, 10 miles away? I was still there. Anyway..."

"Fine." The young prince sighed and crossed his arms. "Atemu. But don't you realize that that's my name with a 'u' on the end?"

"I just so happen to like your name." I scowled, insulted. "You should be honored, kid."

"I'm not a child - !"

"You're freaking 17." I yawned, stretching before adding, "Puberty isn't even over for you good yet, you haven't gotten laid, and you're pretty much innocent as a fluffy white cloud when it comes to sex."

The little pharaoh wannabe gasped with shock and glared at me, but I didn't miss the blush on his cheeks. Nope. It was blatantly obvious. In all honesty, I knew the kid probably just needed some dating advice.

But, he'd already stalked off. Oops. Hopefully he won't go tell his dad.

Speaking of that guy, I have no idea what his name is. It starts with an 'A', and I'm pretty sure it ends with an 'N', but that's all I know, so I've settled for calling him 'An'. Kind of like 'Ann of Green Gables', but without the extra 'N', which I think is totally uncalled for.

"Your name is Atemu?!"

"Yup." The cat answered, once again with a prideful tone. "And boy am I proud of it. Please call me Atemu instead of Yami, Yugi. I don't wanna share names with that little -"

"Just continue." Yami snarled, absentmindedly searching the room for either a hammer, a mouse trap, or the Spice Girls movie to kill the cat with. All of them would work, so it didn't really matter.

"Fine, Mr Bossy Ass."

"Ah."

I turned around, furious at the thought of someone interrupting the thoughts I'd just thought! How dare they! I was going to slit their throats, rip out their intestines, then step on them - !

Oh, hey! It's that Thief King guy! You know, the one with the tacky outfit and spiky white hair? Oh, and can you believe he actually tried to glare at me once? As if! Cats are the gods of Egypt!

Back to the dude.

He was currently staring at me. Menacingly, might I add. But was I moved? Heck no. He could go suck a banana. I wasn't going to move and allow him access to my stash of Twix - I mean, the prince's bedroom! Who knows what he might do to the poor lad!

Well, actually, I have a pretty good idea.

The Thief dude seems kind of gay. Okay, no, REALLY gay. I'm serious. I've seen the way he stares at Atem's hair -

I take that back. Even I stare at the kid's hair. It's really weird, but somehow attractive. Anyway.

I've seen the way he stares at Atem's ass. HE OGLES THAT ASS!

"Stupid animal."

My head snapped up. Had the gay Thief of Whatever It Was just called ME stupid?! The one who ogles an ass that can barely be seen because its covered by some sort of weird dress?!

I wasn't going to stand for this. NO SIR!

"Says the gay hippie." I shot back, not even breaking a sweat. This guy couldn't even dream of taking me down. I'd watched way too many Jamie Chung - I mean, Bruce Lee movies to not know how to fight.

I even know how to say the words!

HIJUNKIDICKCHICKHICK!

Awesome, right?

The Thief of Gay stared at me for a few moments, and I simply stared back. Finally, he snorted and brushed past me, ruffling my fur. Prick. I had the sudden urge to bite his flat little ass, but I held myself back.

If anyone's flat ass was going to be bitten, it was that priests'. Pfft. It's not like he even has an ass to bite. That's how flat that thing is. No wonder Gay King of Thief doesn't like him! At least Atem has something down there!

Back to the priest.

HIS VERY PRESENCE IRKS ME! GAH!

Now, now. Don't judge me. There's someone in your life - you, yes you - who you hate simply because they exist. It's probably that teacher that acts like Santa Claus on crack but still manages to treat you like an anus.

I take that back.

If your gay, anuses are treated very well.

I probably should drop the topic of anuses, shouldn't I? Yeah, probably. Hold up. Let me go chase after the Thief of Gay and see what he's up too. Probably ogling Atem's ass.

"This isn't a very... " Yugi paused, trying to get rid of the heavy blush on his cheeks. After failing, he added, "...sensible story, Atemu."

"Life doesn't make sense, kid." Atemu replied, scratching the card board box some. "If it did, why does Solitaire exist? I swear, those little spiders are out to get me!"

"I think you might be thinking of the wrong game." Yugi informed the animal timidly, bowing his head to show that he wasn't trying to be rude or anything; he was just informing the cat.

"Don't correct me, boy." Atemu snarled. Then he giggled rather obnoxiously. "Just kidding! I'm the idiot who follows you around all day because I'm in love, but since I'm so ugly, I know that I'll be rejected! My name is Yamiiiiiiiii! Hehehehehheheehhehehehehehe!"

Yami cracked his knuckles.

Oh no, he, didn't.

Ironically, at the age of 8, I inwardly confirmed that Thief King Bakura was gay. Oddly enough, I ship Puzzleshipping, but I ship Atem with Seth, Mahaado, Thief King Bakura... weird, right? I suppose it's because I don't think of him as the same person as Yami as some people do, so I ship him randomly.

Anyway...

If this is confusing you, I'm flattered, because that's exactly what this fic is supposed to do. It kicks sense out of the window and replaces it with wtf. Nothing is supposed to be canonical or make sense, so don't review all harshly, kay? Kay.

AND OMFG THERE IS A JUNE BUG IN MY ROOM OH LORDY RA SAVE ME GOTTA DASH BYEEEEEEEEEE