Worth it all

River song discovering that the doctor, lived every single moment of their life together, knowing her fate. She asks him why he did it. Broken and almost no spoilers left to reveal, she begs him tell her why.

XXX

"You were long dead before I knew who you were" he responded heavily with a tightened jaw, holding onto dear life both sides of the console with his fingertips.

"Then why do this to yourself !" she scolded a feet away behind him.

"Why let yourself go through all this!" River cried.

She wasn't crying for herself, she was crying for him.

"KNOWING….. WHERE I END UP!" shouting with tears streaming down her face and hands trembling at her sides.

Forget composure!

If I'm a fixed point what is there left to lose River thought to herself.

"DOCTOR!" she sobbed.

The Doctor almost felt her pain radiate to him, to look at her.

"Because I'm a selfish man River, always have been, always will be" he said aloud with a deadly calm, surprising himself at how he was able to cope with a broken and angry River, as he turned round to face her.

"And I needed to know!" he said firmly slowly moving right in front of her to grasp both her shoulders. She tensed at his touch.

River searched his eyes pleading him let go of her. But he did not. If it was hurting her to be touched by him, then he'll hurt with her.

Tell her everything the Doctor urged himself.

"I needed to know, how I let you in" he admitted with sad but honest eyes, "I don't let people in."

"And…?" she murmured now, fight in her fading, looking anywhere but his face, just at the ridiculous bowtie round his neck.

Oh how she used to loath them, now she adored them as much as he did as she smoothed his bowtie with her fingertips out of habit.

"Do you regret what you know now?"

"Never….." he said intensely, making River catch her breath and look up at him in surprise.

"Because then I would have lived my life not knowing, what I never knew I had."

"And whats that?" she asked carefully.

"You….." he told her, "My equal, my murderer, my wife." he said looking into her eyes, while holding her face tenderly with both palms.

River just choked back the next tears at the back of her throat and he wiped the wet tears she shed off her cheeks with his thumbs.

"That is so messed up sweetie!" she managed to chuckle despite her feelings to cry some more.

"Aren't we all" he smiled and kissed her forehead and held her close so his chin rested on top her head of curls. Wrapping his arms round her waist tightly never letting her go.

XXX

Author's note

I really like writing angst stuff, its more meaningful to me then happy stuff. And that's also messed up hahah!