i.

i think she's caught between

who she is,

and who she wants to be.

桜

Her fingers skim the edge of her mirror, leaving a visible smudge from her oily hands. Her mouth, once set in a blank line, turns into a frown.

Her hair is pink. Pink. Like an annoying wad of bubblegum stuck on the concrete, sticking to your shoe. Her hair isn't pretty, but she's tries-Tries her hardest to feel pretty in her own skin.

Of course, she gets compliments every now and then-From her parents, from Naruto and Kakashi and even Iruka (and once upon a time, Ino). But her parents are her parents as Naruto is Naruto. Kakashi and Iruka are both her sensei's, obviously they'd look for any excuse to make her feel better.

But, she can't help but think (know), that she's not pretty.

Because she is only complimented by those who will obviously say anything (-even if they don't mean it, even if they're just saying it-) to make her feel better. She wants someone else to compliment her, someone like Shikamaru, or Hyuuga Neji, Kiba Inuzuka and especially Sasuke.

She wants to be pretty-Beautiful, gorgeous. Noticeable besides pink hair and a wide forehead.

And yet, as she stares into a gleaming mirror, barely alight with moonlight from her open curtains, she knows she is not even close.

She curls her legs to her chest, staring at the mirror-Staring at the monster with pink hair, moldy green eyes and a big forehead that rivaled the width of Konoha's walls. Her fingers reach up, staring at the handful of pink hair she clutches between her nimble fingers.

There was a rumor, in the Academy-It feels like so long ago, since she'd heard it.

"Sasuke-kun likes girls with long hair-But not that he'd ever like yours, Sakura. That'd be too much pink,"

The girls had laughed at her, teasing her that either way-Short or long-Her hair, her eyes, her face, her looks, would never, ever catch Sasuke's attention, because she was not beautiful, or pretty or anything.

She was just a monster with a wide-forehead and pink hair.

Of course, in the back of her mind, Inner protests loudly-Trying to catch her attention. Sakura, however, pushes her back. She's just a figment of her imagination, something she's created to make herself feel less lonely, less worthless, she supposes. Inner goes silent.

Sakura has never had a problem sleeping before and yet, as she sits before her mirror, she feels restless and finds that the comforts of her bed are no longer interesting.

With people and without them, she is always trapped in eternal judgement, from others and herself.

Who is she, anymore?

A part of her remembers warm days, a curious child glancing at a boy with the brightest blue eyes she'd ever seen and sunny blonde hair. He'd seemed like the nicest person ever, and when she reached out to play with him, her mother had snatched her shoulder-Gripping so hard Sakura thought her shoulder would break.

Her mother dragged her away from the bright, warm boy. Dragging her back into the cold sense of reality that no matter what her opinion was on-Whether friends or looks-She would always be judged. By the people around her, by her friends, by her parents, and by herself.

And maybe-a part of her likes to believe that it isn't the reason-that's the reason why she broke it off with Ino-Not for a boy, but in fear Ino would one day become just like them; Mindless, judgmental creatures that always told her what she wanted and what she needed, was something untouchable of her standard, rank, whatever.

So, as she stares into the mirror, she forces a fake smile on her face. At first it looks real, convincing, shouting- Yes, I am happy! No need to worry! but then her eyebrows furrow together, her lips tremble, and tears drip from her green eyes. She sobs softly into her palms, her nightgown feeling like a thousand pounds on her small frame.

Mustering all the strength she has left from her night-time self-esteem beating, she stands and stumbles quietly to her bed. Perhaps, she can live out another night, another mission, another self-esteem beating and another breath.

She slips under her covers quietly, face staring into the distance.

She has two dreams that night, a perfect, glamorous dream of a perfect Sakura. The next, a horrible, nightmare of what she really is.

She's caught between two.

桜

"I got the targ-OWW!"

Sakura twitches, a vein growing on her forehead as Naruto's loud voice echos in her ear-piece.

Tora, the violent cat, had gotten lose once more. The seventh time this week. In the back of her mind, she silently wonders why the poor owner keeps the damn cat and why her team hasn't just let the cat get away at this point.

She glances into the clearing, watching as Sasuke tears Tora off Naruto. Naruto lets out a high-pitched shriek, causing Sakura and Sasuke to cringe at the loud noise emitting from their ear-pieces.

Sasuke slams his fist onto the top of Naruto's head, a vein on his forehead visible in annoyance.

Slowly, Sakura begins to climb down the tree, her hair catching on a branch and yanking her backwards. Yelping, Sakura instantly reaches up to press soothing caresses over her scalp.

There are tangles in her pink hair due to the fact she'd awoken late-Probably from staying up so late just to judge herself... Well, that and the horrible nightmare that summarized her insufficient life. Besides that, her hair was tangled because she didn't have enough time to brush it before she zoomed towards their teams meeting spot, and even then, Kakashi was two hours late.

Granted, she had slept for more than half the time, taking Naruto's offer to lay her head in his lap (it was the lack of sleep-That was why she'd agreed, that was it. Lack of sleep, nothing else) which left no time for her to brush her hair before the mission had started.

"Itai! Oi, Naruto, please help me! My hair's tangled on a tree branch!" Sakura calls, fingers digging into the knot of hair stuck on the branch.

As if Sakura's single offer to help her lights up his day, Naruto beams brightly, running happily to her side. "Of course I'll help you, Dattebayo!" cries Naruto.

While Sasuke cradles Tora in his arms (because for some reason the damn cat likes him) he stares at them unamused. When Naruto finally helps her untangle her hair, Sasuke grunts.

"Hurry it up, don't slow us down with your idiotic hair,"

Sakura's self-confidence crumbles with the simple insult, hands clutching her hair softly and shamefully. Naruto makes it his job to loudly proclaim her hair is beautiful and try to get into a fight with Sasuke.

Of course, she stops them-Screeching about how they need to get Tora back to Madam Shijimi before they lose her all over again.

While her self-confidence is once again destroyed, she pushes it aside to finish off the dang mission and get on with the day. Kakashi joins them amidst their travel to the Hokage Tower, making an excuse about how he had run into an old lady with so many bags and had to help her home.

Just like always, Sakura accuses him of lying before turning back to walk with the team towards the Hokage tower once more. After receiving their reward for catching Tora again, the team leave-Naruto still complaining about how they've only been able to do D-rank missions.

As they walk towards the training grounds again, Kakashi drawls out lazily, "I guess we'll be doing spars today. Naruto and Sasuke you can battle, Sakura and I will do something a little different,"

Instantly, Naruto is on his case, yelling nonsense about him being a lolicon and Sakura being the poor victim. However, Sakura feels a little special, finally receiving some sort of better treatment rather than being left-out again.

Her happiness is cut short. Kakashi gives her a worksheet on chakra theories, stating that she will sit under the sakura tree at the edge of the training grounds as he watches the boys. Digging into his kunai pouch, he pulls out a dull pencil (with barely any eraser left to top it off) and hands it to Sakura giving a half-hearted thumbs up before slowly walking towards the boys again, Icha Icha book already in hand.

Sakura scowls to herself, reading over the worksheet while mumbling profanities under her breath.

It isn't fair, how Sasuke and Naruto always get Kakashi-sensei's attention. How she's forced to find her own resources, train her own mind and body in simple warm-ups she's not even sure she's doing correctly. Why, oh why, couldn't Kakashi treat her like a student too?

Of course, self-judgement rears it's ugly head-

Because you're worthless,

Sakura seemingly shrinks.

Because, no matter what, you'll always be a monster worth nothing. You should give up-You're too weak to do anything anyways.

With her self-esteem practically non-existent, Sakura sets herself to work on the worksheet, finishing it easily. Theory had always been a strong spot for her-Anything that had to do with brains was instantly her strong point. Strategizing, planning, theory, mathematics-She could do it all. But when it comes to anything physical, she's an utter wreck.

Unnoticeable by appearance, unnoticeable by skill. Really, you should just give up already.

Sakura frowns, running a hand through her tangled tresses. Her appearance isn't that bad, is it? Now that she thinks about it, perhaps her hair really is idiotic. If a tree could easily snatch a single knot, who is to say a enemy nin can't do the same?

Sasuke was right-Perhaps he hadn't been talking about her hair in general, perhaps he had been talking about the length of her hair. To her, it seems there is a chance Sasuke really could still like her hair.

However, she pauses. She likes the length of her hair, likes the way the long waves fall over her shoulders and to her mid-back. She likes the way it flutters when the wind is right, or the way it shines when the light hits it in a certain way. Her hair may be ugly to others, and to herself-But in a twisted sort of way, Sakura loves her hair.

If you cut your hair, you'd be even less noticeable.

Her frown returns until her mind digs deeper. So what if she was unnoticeable by appearance? What if people looked more towards strength? Now that she put her mind to it, Sasuke gave full attention to those who were stronger than him, in a way, it was almost like Sasuke was praising them.

Sakura sat up straighter. Exactly-She didn't need her appearance to be noticed. Her just starting career as a ninja could blossom into something beautiful-Amazing. So what if she wouldn't be gorgeous by the end of it? If she could get stronger, expand her chakra reserves-Her strength could be her beauty.

Besides, what was beauty if there was a war? What was beauty against weapons, bombs and destruction?

Beauty is nothing-Sakura has spent her life worrying about nothing.

The self-judging part of her speaks, hissing. What makes you think you can be strong? You couldn't even stand up to those bullies as a child; You had to depend on Ino to save you. Even your namesake is weak, a symbol of short-life. You're nothing.

As if her thoughts catch up, a single blossom floats onto her worksheet.

While the blossoming season had been over for a while, it shocks Sakura to realize a few, wilting Sakura blossoms remained on the tree on the corner of the training grounds.

Placing the blossom in her palm, she stares at the blossom, recalling the symbolism.

Sakura blossoms represent how short life is...

Sakura instantly perks up at the remembrance, back straightening once more.

How short and how beautiful life is. Don't forget the show of fleeting nature... And a time of renewal.

Her mind was racing now.

No, my name may signify a short life, but also how beautiful one can become in that short, period of time. Life is beautiful, whether short or long-If I try, then maybe-Maybe I can truly feel... Beautiful. I can go through my time of renewal.

Her inner-judgement was protesting, screeching this is not what she meant. But Sakura is too far gone.

I can renew myself. I don't have to stay a monster. I can be more than that; than this!

Determination fills her bones and her mind instantly begins planning a trip to the library.

Grabbing her worksheet, she skips towards her Sensei.

"Kaka-sensei~" Sakura chirps, in a much better mood. It seems the spar has just ended, though Naruto and Sasuke are arguing again. Kakashi turns towards her as she thrusts him the worksheet and pencil.

"I hope you don't mind if I leave training early, I realized I wanted to check out a book on chakra and jutsu theory today! Is that alright?" asks Sakura innocently.

Kakashi scratches the back of his head and Sakura prays that he doesn't remember that Jutsu and Chakra theory are some of her best points. And if he does, maybe he'll think nothing off it.

Kakashi stands quietly for a few seconds, the only sound between the two being the loud arguing of Naruto and Sasuke.

"Alright, I guess we can end training early today-"

"What?" Cries Naruto, turning to Kakashi as if he'd never been arguing with Sasuke. "You can't do that! Training is about learning cool new jutsus!" Screeches Naruto in outrage.

For the first time, Sasuke grunts in agreement.

Kakashi sighs, turning to look at the boys. "Maa, fine, I'll teach you a new jutsu. Sakura, I'll let you off early,"

Her heart hurts. He doesn't even care, does he?

She manages a smile, nodding before taking off in the direction of the library. However, as soon as she leaves the training grounds, her smile fades. Her hands twist together, as if she is a wringing a towel full of water.

When she enters the library, she finds it practically empty with the exception of a few bustling nin and the Librarian reading some cheesy looking romance novel.

Quietly, Sakura slips to the Genin side of the library, carefully choosing books. Her parents had some books as well, from her late Grandfather's library.

Using some of the mobile ladders, she pushes them to one of the higher shelves. On her tippy-toes as well as being on the ladder, Sakura studies the spines of each book, reading carefully their names before picking out those who's title catch her interest. After reading the short summary, Sakura piles the chosen books in her arms.

In her kunai pouch is her library card which she tries to keep with her at all times. Stumbling towards the front desk, she sets her rather large pile of books on the counter and gives the librarian a cheesy smile.

The librarian sighs, murmuring something akin to "Oh, my dear Rei-chan, I will return in a moment." before sticking out a hand for her library card. Digging through her kunai pouch, she finds the card in the side pocket before handing it over to the librarian.

Sighing, the librarian begins to scan items, mournfully glancing at his book from time to time, until all of Sakura's books are checked out.

Practically shoving the books off the desk once he finishes scanning them, he dives back into his book. Sakura stares at him, unbeknownst to him, for a little while. Well, she doesn't stare at him, she stares at the book in his hands.

Her eyes skim the back blurb/summary.

When Rei Miyamoto moves to small town Shiozai, she doesn't expect to meet one of the strongest and handsomest ninja around, Takashi Komuro. After being saved by Takashi, Rei falls in love. But after a fall-out, it comes to Rei's attention that another women is in Takashi's life! Saeko Busujima, a gorgeous women ninja and even a legend among the citizens, is also in love with Takashi. With seemingly more intimate feelings towards Saeko, Rei rushes to make Takashi love her back. Can she do it?

RATED 2ND BEST ROMANCE NOVEL OF THE YEAR, LOVE IS A SWORD THAT STRIKES, IS STUNNINGLY WRITTEN...

Sakura rolls her eyes. Her mother had read that book-Saeko got with Takashi in the end. What once starts as a book of this aspiring 'Rei Miyamoto' it eventually shifts towards Saeko's story. Sakura cad clearly remember the day her mother came blubbering to Sakura and practically forced the Academy student to read the book. Her mother seemed to forget that the book was filled with perverted scenes that scarred Sakura for life.

Turning, Sakura snorts. That librarian was in for a surprise if he wanted Rei to get with Takashi. As Sakura walks back, she realizes she wants to be like Saeko, the female nin, strong, beautiful and all above noticeable.

Saeko had an odd hair color too, didn't she? Purple, long eggplant purple hair. Maybe, one day, Sakura could be like her-Beautiful and Strong. That sounded a lot better than just being pretty or just being strong.

Skipping away, Sakura arrives home. She unlocks the door, expecting to see her parents home only to see the house is empty and void of life. Not that she is surprised, her parents are traders after all.

Sighing, she kicks open the door a little wider. Setting her books on the decoratory table in the hallway towards the living room and kitchen she makes a quick stop in said kitchen.

On the island counter is a note.

Off on a trading expedition to Yugakure, Mrs. Yuuko will come in to check in on you every now and then. Sorry for leaving on short notice, Love you!

-Your Parents, Kizashi and Mebuki Haruno.

Quietly, Sakura sets the note back down and turns towards the doorway. She walks back down the hallway, grabbing her books. After locking the door, she takes the books up to her room, setting them on her desk.

Staring at the books, it suddenly appears to her that she should get a notebook for notes. Digging through the side pocket of her kunai pouch again, she found her wallet. Originally, she'd been saving up to get a really nice smelling lily shampoo as well as a honeysuckle perfume. But now, such things are seemingly useless.

While the girlish part of her still wants to get such items, she pushes those thoughts aside.

The stronger you are, the... 'better' missions you go on. The.. more dangerous missions you go on the more money you make. It'll be easier to get such items when you get stronger.

Nodding at her thoughts, Sakura takes off with her wallet in hand.

桜

"Hi, welcome to Kazumi's Ninja & Civilian shop, I'm Kazumi, how may I help you?" A perky woman asks as Sakura pushes the door open to her shop.

The lady had midnight blue hair, a color closely resembling Sasuke's hair, arranged in an intricate braid. Though her hair is probably long, it seems short due to the way the hair is braided, like it's melded into her skull. Bright blue eyes stare down curiously at Sakura's small figure.

"Oh! I'm, uh, looking for a notebook, journal, you get it," Sakura rambles nervously.

Kazumi smiles. "Of course, here, follow me," Before she leads Sakura off into the sea of aisles she turns to scream, "WATCH THE REGISTER HIROSHI!"

Smiling warmly once more, Kazumi leads Sakura through the interesting things. Some things for normal civilians, just trinkets or furniture. Others for shinobi, like kunai, explosive tags and chakra paper.

"So, just a normal notebook?" questions Kazumi, glancing at Sakura.

"Well, um, basically. Just something to take notes in," Sakura replies awkwardly.

"You're a kunoichi in training?" Kazumi asks, turning to walk down a larger walkway than between the aisles.

"Ehh, you could say that," mumbles Sakura.

Finally they reach an aisle full of notebooks and journals of all sizes. "Here, I got a special one I think you might like," Kazumi states before Sakura can browse her options. Kazumi leans upwards towards the top shelf, tugging down a single journal. It's a brown leather journal, bound with a latch on the front. A sticker on the journal cover explains in a colorful, large font-

CHAKRA BOUND NOTEBOOK. OPENS WITH CHAKRA TOUCH!

Senses the owners chakra and only opens when the owner activates it with their chakra!

Sakura blinks as the woman offers it to her. "Trust me, it'll help when anyone wants to pry into your personal life,"

Sakura flusters. "Oh, but I'm really just using it to take notes..." Her voice trails off. The notebook was very tempting. But she didn't need it... But then again, it'd be nice to keep her theories a secret, plus it would be kind of funny to watch the boys squirm in curiosity.

"Umm, Alright, how much is it, though?" Sakura agrees, glancing towards Kazumi.

"Since your a kunoichi in the making, I'll give you a discount. 1,000 yen for that journal,"

Sakura nods as they begin walking towards the counter.

"Hey, umm, You're a kunoichi, right?" asks Sakura suddenly. Kazumi blinks.

"Yes, why do you ask?" Kazumi inquires, tilting her head.

"W-well, I.. I really like my hair but, um, I fear long hair is impractical for the shinobi lifestyle. But, you, you.. Well, your hairstyle..." Sakura's constant ramble finally comes to an end, her flustering brightly due to the air of awkwardness she's brought about.

Kazumi gave a perky smile.

桜

Sakura hadn't instantly gone into training, Kazumi says she should enjoy herself a little before. So Sakura does, everyday after training she went to Kazumi's shop to learn different, complex hairstyles that would allow her to keep her long hair but keep her safe from enemy nin. And it wasn't like she's instantly given up on training, Kazumi empathizes the importance of starting small.

So Sakura begins with increasing the speed of her hand seals. Everyday, she gets up much earlier and practices them over and over again for ten minutes until her hands cramp up and grow sore. She repeats this cycle right before she goes to bed as well. She stretches any time she can and is constantly repeating theories under her breath. She has even begun running in the mornings, leaving the house early to do half a lap around Konoha before jogging to Team 7's meet-up spot.

Kazumi is one of the biggest helps in her life. While Kazumi cannot train her due to the fact she has to run her shop (along with her kind friend Hiroshi), she gives her insight, and even gives her worksheets to strengthen her mind and tips for training.

And now, as Sakura completes the intricate braid that molds into her scalp, she feels proud. The braid curls around the front of her face before swirling together to form a blossom right behind the right side of her head.

Though she knows she is not fighting anyone today and there are no chances anyone will grab her by her hair, Sakura slips hair traps into the woven strands of her pink tresses.

Hair traps were commonly used in the Warring States Period, things like senbon, or spikes slid into hidden places of your hair. Sakura had scratched herself the first time she tried to put them in, however, Kazumi soon taught her how.

Now, as she slides the final hair trap into place, she stands. Her dress swings by her by her thighs. Blinking, she stares her at her dress a little longer. Oh goodness, someone could probably pin her by such large dress flaps. It suddenly occurs to Sakura why Ino wore such little clothing-Why every kunoichi she came across had such little on.

At first, Sakura had assumed kunoichi had been much more confident with their bodies than civilians. But it's so much more than that. Sakura does have yen left over from buying the journal, the hair traps and the hair pins though...

Grabbing her wallet off the side of her desk (which is crammed with books on all sorts of subjects), she counted off the yen stored away.

4,272 yen, Possibly enough. But then again, she really wants to stock up on sealing paper, inks, kunai and shuriken-Possibly get one of those really cool weapons from Kazumi's shop as well.

Groaning into her palm, Sakura shakes her head. She grabs her kunai pouch, shoving her wallet and library card into the side pocket. She walks towards the door, but pauses, running back to grab her journal as well as a few books just in case Kakashi decides to leave her out again.

Then she leaves her room, a soft smile on her lips.

桜

桜 = Cherry Blossom tree / Blossom

The braid Sakura is currently 'wearing' is called the Dutch Flower Braid.

4,272 yen is roughly 40 dollars in us cash. Why does Sakura have a ton of money? Keep in mind she was saving up for shampoo and a perfume. Shampoo commonly costs are around 20 dollars, but I thought Sakura would have less, therefore 10 dollars. Perfume, on the other hand, is very expensive. I predicted Sakura would have around 50 dollars saved for her perfume, which is 20 dollars less than the usual 70 dollars for perfume. Sakura therefore has 60 dollars. She spent 20 dollars of that on hair traps, the journal and the hair pins. so yeah.

Oiii! LOOK AT WHAT i'M REWRITING. FOR THE SECOND TIME. HAHAHA. kill me.

don't, actually. I've been looking to restart this book because the first few drafts/ideas seemed too far-fetched not to mention over-used.

I really wanted to create a story where it's nothing huge, or big that happens to Sakura, it's literally just a moment of realization.

Her moment of realization, the realization that got her started literally came off the length of her hair after it got caught on a tree branch. That's it. Nothing too huge like 'oH GOD MY PARENTS ARE DEAD'

just 'Don't slow us down with your idiotic hair'. that's it.

I wanted to cut her hair in the beginning, but I figured that'd be too much of a step. Sakura believes Sasuke likes girls with long hair, therefore her desire to be noticed by them/him would ultimately 'be gone'. Sure, she might get a little attention from the shock of cutting her hair, but it wouldn't stay.

Besides, Sakura spent years growing out her hair, no matter how self-conscious Sakura is about it, i'm betting a part of her really loved/loves her long hair.

I also feel Sakura would be very self-conscious about her looks and probably has anxiety and possibly social anxiety because of the bullying she went through. I firmly believe Sakura was constantly judging herself, to the point she could start crying.

Kazumi and Hiroshi are my OC's. Kazumi isn't a mentor, in fact I highly doubt Kazumi will ever train Sakura. However, this women will play a big part in Sakura's confidence.

I slipped a really stupid Easter egg in here. like, really stupid. iT'S ONLY BECAUSE I SHIP THEM.

The Easter Egg was 'Love is a Sword the Strikes' All the charactes from that 'book' (the one the librarian was reading) are actually from high-school of the dead. I ship Saeko and Takashi and I think Saeko would be a really good role-model for Sakura. Yes, I understand Saeko has a sadistic side to her, but she even talks about how she had a crush on a boy-Just to let you know, this girl is super beautiful, she could totally get this boy without even trying-but didn't admit her feelings because she felt like he never deserved a monster like herself. She's ashamed of herself-She doesn't like finding pleasure in hurting others. So yes, I think Saeko is a role model for Sakura.

Besides that, I hoped you liked the first chapter.

bUT WAIT! You screech, grabbing me by my hair-

What does the title have to do with anything?

Well, if you pay attention, Sakura finds herself/learns more about herself through nature (The tree yanking her hair back, the withering Sakura blossom when she becomes discouraged, etc.). So yeah.

I hope you enjoyed, as I said before!

See ya' (not anytime soon) soon!

Writing-Fantasy