Author note:

Readers please be warned, this story deals with suicide!

Also one character is dead, almost from the beginning.

This is the darkest story I have written so far, hope you enjoy it.

The Title comes from Veronica Roth's Author's note in Allegiant.

Erdi

Steph's POV

I am sitting on the ground of my parking lot, with my hands covered in Blood and Lula lying just a few feet away.

"Don't you dare to pass out on me, Les" I mumble over and over again to Lester, whilst trying block of the bullet wound on his neck with my shirt.

I can can hear sirens in the distance and I know that it is only a matter of seconds before Rangemen will be here too. They are always faster than the police. And at this time I am dreading nothing more than seeing them, except, of course, for Lester dying right under my hands.

"Hey, white girl we brought doughnuts!" Lula shouts across the parking lot and holds the box from tasty pastry up in the air, as I walk out of my building.

"You are a lifesaver" I call back with a small smile and turn towards Lester.

"I will see you later then?" I ask my friend. Lester and I have been spending lots of time together lately. I suppose, it is because we are both a little lonely and heart broken.

"Sure...can't resist Pizza and beers with you" Lester grins and gives me a kiss on the cheek, before walking off to the other side of the building towards his car.

He just found out, that the girl he was with for the past 3 years and thought of marrying, was cheating on him.

I, on the other hand, am still waiting for Trenton's very own Batman to make a move. After I broke up with Joe almost four weeks ago, I told Ranger that I am in love with him and he said nothing...not a word. I admit that my timing wasn't the most perfect one, but he could have said something. I would have more preferred a rejection, than his silence.

Suddenly someone's tires squeal, taking my thoughts away from my fucked up love life. As I look around, to see where the noise is coming from, I find my, currently most dangerous, skip climbing out of a POS car, which makes mine look like brand new.

Jimmy 'The Ghost' Johnson is out on bail for beating his wife and somehow ended up being my responsibility. Even though is rap cheat is longer than my legs in high heels and should have never been allowed bail in the first place.

He earned the name 'The Ghost', because he always slips through the Cops fingers. Don't ask him how this makes him the Ghost, as he is always seen around Town. Goes to show what great work our Police department does.

"I heard the Bombshell Bounty Hunter is looking for me...and I thought I save her the trouble of finding me." Jimmy shouts across the lot and steps closer.

Crap...crap...

"That is really nice...but today is my day off... So I will come and get you tomorrow, okay? We make a date out of it" I tell him and slowly back away. Out of my peripheral vision, I can see Lester backing away from his car and at that same moment Jimmy pulls a gun out of the back of his pants.

"I don't think so...I am busy tomorrow" Jimmy replies and steps closer. My heart beat speeds up and I take a deep breath. Now I really regret leaving my gun in the cookie jar upstairs. I wasn't lying as I said it's my day off and I figured, my gun needs a day off too.

"Jimmy!...the girl said that she is busy today. Why don't you get back into your car, before I do something you will regret' Lester says and points his gun at him.

"You know that Rangemen does not joke about this kind of shit and they are pretty trigger happy" Lula advises and also points her gun at Jimmy. "I don't think Lester over there as fulfilled his weekly quota of shooting at people this week, so I would do as he says!"

"She is right" Lester nods and advances a little.

"Stop right there" Jimmy growls, turns his head, but leaves his gun pointed at me.

Without thinking it through, I run and tackle Jimmy. His gun goes off on our way down, but I don't stop to look around. We wrestle and his gun goes off for the second time.

Though this time I look up, as I hear a grunt. What I see stops my heart beating for a few seconds, before it starts hammering into my ribcage and against my lunges, robbing me of my ability to breathe.

Lester is standing there, with his hand to his neck, blood running down his shirt and a shocked expression on his face.

Jimmy sees this as a chance and pushes me over. He gets up and for good measures kicks me into the stomach and against the head a couple of times, before making his getaway.

As I chance a glance backwards, I see Lula lying on the ground, blood pooling around her body. Lester is closer, he has sagged down to the ground, his face void of any colour making my heart beat faster than before. I look back at Lula, who does not make any sound or show any sign of life and then back at Les. "Les, don't die on me…" I plead, as I crawl towards him.

"Here they are...stay with me" I beg, as the paramedics just turn into the parking lot, with a Rangemen fleet just behind them and press harder on his wound.

Two weeks later

I take a chair and drag it away from the rest of the Burg crowd, away from all the looks and whispers. Scanning the crowd I see Tank, who looks like he is about to pass out, standing there in a perfectly fitted suit next to the coffin.

My heart hurts looking at him and I quickly look away, tears running down my face. This is the worst day of my life. Today is the day they are burying my best friend, because of the decision I made.

In the hospital they said Lula was still alive, that she had a chance, if I had only chosen to save her life, instead of Lester's. It is all my fault and she died because of me.

Ranger's POV

"Have you talked to her?" I ask and look at my cousin.

"I tried, but she kept silent. Didn't even want to look at me." Lester answers. "I tried thanking her for saving my life, but she just shut the door in my face."

Looking at him, you wouldn't think his heart stopped beating mere two weeks ago. On the way to the hospital, he was pronounced dead, but through some miracle, his heart started beating again just as the paramedics called it and after the surgery, they patched him up. Let's just say that the Hospital will receive a big donation this year.

"I am worried about her" I state and look over to where my Babe is sitting. Steph's eyes are lifeless and her face fallen in. She has lost a lot of weight in the last two weeks and the black dress she is wearing, which once fit her perfectly, is now a few sizes too big for her.

The person there, is nothing like the woman I fell in love with. As she told me she loved me a few weeks ago, I couldn't respond. I was so shocked that she finally said those three words to me, that my brain stopped me from saying them as well. She had only broken up with Morelli that same morning and I knew she'd regret telling me she loved me. I also expected Morelli to turn up and make up with her again.

I was going to make my move the day of the shooting, but then the shooting happened and I thought it was wiser to keep my mouth shut.

"Everyone is" Hector says quietly, as he joins us. "Except her mother" He adds and shakes his head.

If it wasn't for the fact that Helen Plum is Steph's mother, I would have killed her on the day of the shooting.

Flashback

All I hear, as I am walking down the Hospital corridor towards my Babe's Room, is shouting.

"...You see what you have done?...You finally gotten someone killed...I knew this would happen! Why Me? Why does my daughter has to go and chase criminals? Why can't you be like Henrietta Polski's daughter and work for the button factory?" Helen Plum shouts on the top of her lounges. Zip, who is standing outside Steph's door, looks like he is going to kill her any minute.

"You hang out with these criminals and managed to get one of them shot as well….A WOMAN DIED because of your actions. Why me? Why do I have a daughter like you?..." her mother goes on, as I step into the room.

"That is enough!" I growl, after taking one look at Steph. She is sitting in her bed, with her eyes starring onto the blanket, picking at an imaginary thread. "Get out" I add in my most threatening voice.

Mrs. Plum freezes mid rant and looks at me with wide eyes. I can tell that she is afraid of me, but it does not stop her from uttering the next words. "This is none of your business, Mr. Manoso. This is between me and my daughter."

"I am making it my business, when you shout at Steph, who is injured and went through a traumatic experience. On top of that, I am holding her medical Power and Steph needs to heal. You are not helping with that, so I am telling you to leave and not to return." I level her with a stare, that made men cry before, and she huffs, grabs her jacket and bag and leaves the room.

I close the door and then go and take Steph's hand. "You ok Babe?" I ask, hopeful that she finally will speak to me, but she just continues to stare at her hands.

End of Flashback

Babe still hasn't spoken to me. She avoids me at all cost.

She checked herself out of the hospital, as I went home for a quick shower. And since she is of sound mind and does not have any major injuries, they could not keep her against her will.

I found out from Hector and drove right to her place, but she still refused to talk to me. I went by every Day since, but she avoids me like the plague.

On top of my worry for Steph, I am also worried for my best friend. So much actually, that I got him to stay on seven, where I and Ella can keep an eye on him.

He loved Lula and losing her is just the tip of the iceberg, after all the shit he has been through in the Army.

"I will look after Tank, you take care of Beautiful over there. She needs you" My cousin says and walks towards Tank.

"Boss, Helen Plum is here and wants to be let in" Woody relays through the intercom and I can barely swallow a groan.

"On my Way" I tell Woody and then turn to Hector "Keep an eye on her." Hector only nods and I make my way to the front door of Stiva's.

"Let me in...I want to pay my respect" Mrs. Plums says and comes right up into Woody's personal space. His face is neutral, but I can tell that he would love to deck her with his mean right hook.

"Mrs. Plum, I have already told you, you are not permitted to enter this wake. So please step back and let the others get past." Woody says as professional as possible, just before I step around him and lead Mrs. Plum away from the crowd.

"I want to be let in" She demands and shoots me a famous Burg Glare.

"Why?" I question.

"Because I want to pay my respects" She says, but we both know that she is lying.

"No. You want to go in there and tell your own daughter 'I told you so'. And I won't allow it. Stay away from Steph, unless you are here to support her." I tell her, before I turn on my heel and walk away. "Make sure she leaves" I order Woody, as I walk past him, back into the Funeral House.

Steph's POV

As I walk up to the open coffin, after the ceremony to say my final goodbye, dread is rising within me. I don't want to say goodbye. Saying Goodbye will mean that this is real, that I really got my best friends killed and Denial Land will not be an option anymore.

I notice that everyone else left and the only one that was left behind is Tank. I swallow hard and step up to the coffin.

"I miss her" Tank says as he comes to stand next to me. "Even though we weren't together anymore, I still miss and love her."

I stay quiet and just stare at the body of my friend. She is dressed in one of her favourite, colourful outfits. Pink tights, yellow tight shirt, someone put some pink highlights into her hair and her favorite Louis Vuitton's onto her feet. She certainly looks like Lula, only the big smile and loud attitude is missing. So that person in there is not my friend.

Tank keeps on talking, but I just ignored him. I can't look at him, I can't see his pain. I took her from him. It is my fault.

I grab her hand, squeeze it and without uttering a word, I walk away. I sneak out the back door and to my surprise , there is no Merry Man to stop me.

Another two weeks later

I can't take it anymore. The pain is getting unbearable, my mother has been calling all the time, shouting at me through the Answering Machine. Ranger hasn't been by either, but I expected that. I nearly got his cousin killed, he will never forgive me for that.

Someone, I assume it's Ella, keeps leaving food in my fridge, but I just either throw it out or put it in the freezer. I am not hungry. The image of Lula's lifeless Body keeps popping into my head, whenever I try to eat and I end up throwing up.

Currently, I am sitting in my car in the parkinglot of the supermarket, contemplating if Rex really needs his hamster pallets. Unfortunately he cannot only live o some old Cereal I have in my cupboard, so with a sigh, I grab my bag and get out. Just because I am not eating, does not mean Rex need to.

Once inside, I grab a few bags of hamster pallets and make my way to the counter. Unfortunately Joe and his Grandmother Bella, as well as my own mother are waiting a little ahead of me in the cue.

"Can't believe she finally got someone killed" Some woman in the front mumbles.

"I feel for you Helen. Your train wreck of a daughter gives you nothing but grieve. Your poor thing" Another woman says and pats my mother's shoulder.

"Why me? How do I deserve this? I tried to raise her well. It is bad enough that she is hanging around with all those criminals, now I am not only known as the mother of the Bombshell Bounty Hunter, but also as a killer's mother" My mother sighs dramatically.

"You cannot change her. It won't be long before it happens again" Joe mutters.

"She is useless, thats what she is!" My mother exclaims and her words sting.

"You can be glad you didn't marry her Josef." Grandma Bella says to her Grandson.

"If something like this would happen to me, I would kill myself. I wouldn't be able to live with the shame I brought to my family." One woman in the front says.

"She brought more than enough shame to my family. My phone has been ringing constantly. Why me?" My mother cries out and shakes her head.

"Even that handsome looking Security Guy seems to distance himself from her. I saw him with a beautiful Latina at Rossini's the other night. I can understand him, after all Stephanie nearly killed one of his men too" someone says and my heart stops. This would explain why Ranger has not been around, he has already found someone else.

The bags of Hamster pallets drop with a loud 'Thud' to the floor and everybody turns towards me, eyes wide in surprise.

I can see my mother approaching and faintly hear her shouting, how much grief I am putting her through and how I am ruining her life.

Ranger has another woman. Ranger has another woman. Ranger has another woman.

Tears come into my eyes and the numbness I felt for the last four weeks vanishes. All I feel is hurt and heartbreak. I can barely breathe and I do not know, how I managed to walk out of the supermarket and to my car. But even as I am outside and try to take a deep breath, it doesn't work.

The drive home is a blur. As I get into the apartment Rex greets me excitingly, reminding me that I didn't get him anything to eat.

I really don't know why it surprised me, that Ranger found someone new. For years I couldn't make a decision and now I got Lula killed and Les injured. I wouldn't want to date me either. Maybe part of me was still hoping for him to save me, from the hole I am finding myself in, and to tell me that he forgives me.

Later that night I lay awake, like I have most nights since that horrible day. Only difference today is, that instead of numb, I am hurting and the pain is unbearable. There is only one way for the pain to stop and my family to finally get some peace in their lives.

My Dad once told me to always be brave. But I don't want to be brave anymore, I cannot be brave anymore. The last few years have just added up and I cannot take it anymore.

Nothing holds me here anymore. It's best if I left. With that thought I get up, write one letter to Ranger, grab my keys, wallet, Rex and leave.

First, I stop at Rangemen. I can't see anyone at the front desk and the door is locked. Grateful I place Rex right in front of the Entrance. "Bye Rex... they will look after you well, I just know it" He twitches his whiskers at me and then runs back into his soup can.

I stop at a pharmacy and All-Night supermarket on the way to purchase what I need, before making my way to Point Pleasant. I want to see the sun rise and bury my feet in the sand one last time.

The streets are empty and the only noise in the car is coming from the engine. An hour later I park in a parking spot close to the beach, take my purchases and make my way towards the ocean.

It is a week day and summer holidays are long over, so no one is at the beach at this hour. I drop my purchases into the sand, kick of my flip flops and walk towards the ocean.

This place has always calmed me. The waves crashing onto the rocks close by, the cool sand between my toes and the wind whipping through my hair. But today it gives me a sense of relief and finality.

I get to leave on my own terms. I can finally be at peace. No more nagging from my mother and no more nasty side glances and remarks from the Burg people. I don't have to live with the guilt anymore, of ruining a lot of peoples lives. They can all live on without me... they will be better off without me.

I am unsure, how long I stand there with my toes in the water, just staring out onto the ocean, but soon enough the sun rises and I walk back to where I dropped my purchases into the sand.

I take out the bottle of vodka and painkillers and sit down into the sand. 'This is for the best' I think, before I drown all of the tablets one by one drown with the vodka. 'Maybe I should have chosen a nice bottle of wine or whiskey for my last drink' I muse inwardly, as the Vodka burn in my throat.

As its get's harder to sit upright, I lay down and watch the sun rise higher and higher. I smile a at the warmth of it and close my eyes. Once upon a time I wished, I lived here, right at the Beach. In fact it was always my Plan, once Dickie made enough money for us to afford a Holiday House.

But then I got divorced and all my money was gone. I never had enough money to move away or to buy a house here. But that all does not matter now, because I am off to see my best friend in a better place, where there is no Burg, where there is no pain, where I can finally be at peace.

I leave this world with one regret: I should have told Ranger, right after the Scrog incident, that I loved him!