Hello! Thanks for clicking on this fic! This story features fem!bilbo and will expand on customs and traditions of hobbits in the hobbit universe as well as dwarven traditions. Centers around the quest and Bilbo's friendships with the members of the company.

Disclaimer: I do not own the hobbit! All rights reserved to JRR Tolkien

Chapter 1

Bilbo Baggins was a very respectable lady, thank you very much, and it was due time that other hobbits started remembering it.

The Bagginses had always been of a respectable sort, never doing anything unexpected or going on any adventures. Bagginses were so highly regarded, their advice treasured, that you could tell what a Baggins might say to a certain question. A question about gardening would receive an answer about proper plant care. A question about cooking would be followed by the reply of good methods of baking and a few recipes. A question about an adventure would end with a resounding "no" and a passive aggressive request for tea with said asker. No, those adventures were quite troublesome, after all, they made you late to dinner! Any Baggins would want nothing to do with one of those vile things.

Besides, no hobbit in their right mind would be late for a meal so adventures would simply not do for someone of such a reclusive race such as a hobbit.

Now, back to our Baggins

Bilbo was as proper as any Baggins should be, no matter what some hobbits said about her. She dressed nicely and kept her curly hair neatly combed, including the fur on her feet. She was a good cook as any hobbit woman should be and always welcomed company. A sunny smile was always on her lips and a witty reply on her tongue. She may have been one of the few women living alone in the Shire, unmarried and without any children as she couldn't sire any, and was very fond of smoking her pipe, but other than those few details she was quite alright to most.

She had definitely outgrown that stage of hers as a child when she would dress in trousers and run around with a wooden sword, hollering about going to find the elves and saving princesses.

Hobbit fauntlings were always mischievousness, although Bilbo had been quite the terror. Her mother, the famous Belladonna Took, had always encouraged her daughter's little adventures, much to the chagrin of her husband, the prim and proper Bungo Baggins. Yes, those two had caused quite a stir when they had announced their courtship which started an even more tension-filled rivalry between the already existing feud of the Baggins and Took clan. In the end, they had still married without a hitch (though there were a few overturned tea cups on the Baggins side and some scones thrown by the Tooks).

As the years progressed, Miss Baggins became an almost exact copy of her solid and comfortable father, even if she did get a little queerness from her Tookish mother that didn't make an appearance until her forty-nineth birthday.

Many questioned when Bilbo had really grown up. Most agreed that it was during the Fell Winter, after the death of her sweetheart, Rory Brownlock, and the illness of her father. Others said (mostly Bagginses) that she finally lost her sense of adventure once her mother passed five years after the death of Mr. Baggins. Poor Belladonna had been unable to cope with the death of her beloved husband and had wilted away to nothing more than a wisp of the woman she had been, leaving a young daughter to live all by herself. Though there were some disagreements about Bilbo's sudden sense of propriety, it all boiled down to one statement: Miss Bilbo Baggins had lost all sense of recklessness, taken up her proper title as Mistress of Bag-end, and had indeed become respectable.

Miss Baggins will never go on those little adventures of hers again, they stated matter-of-factly.

Or so they thought.

It was a beautiful day in Hobbiton and Bilbo had taken full advantage of it as she relaxed on the bench in front of her cozy smial. The sun was shining on the grassy slopes of the Shire, casting an almost golden glow on the wheat fields and meadows. The residents of Hobbiton were making themselves busy on this Trewsday, trading in the marketplace or letting their children run around and make merry. Bilbo had quite a nice view of Hobbiton from atop her hill and she blew smoke rings into the blue, cloudless sky.

She smiled serenely as she heard a shriek of laughter from down the Hill, one of the Gamgee children up to some mischief or another. Bilbo sighed contently and closed her eyes, letting the sun's rays go over her skin. Suddenly, a shadow crossed into Bilbo's vision which she pointedly ignored in case it was a bothersome relative. She was sure the figure would leave when a puff of smoke hit her right on her nose, causing her top sniff and cough.

She looked up, feeling very disgruntled at being disturbed from her relaxation, and whatever scolding words she had in her head died on her tongue as she observed the man in front of her. Man, as in not a hobbit. Bilbo's mouth dropped as she observed the bent old man, eyes trailing from his pointed pale blue hat, gray robes, long tangled beard, and wrinkled hands wrapped around a gnarled staff taller than her. He leaned against his staff, observing her from eyebrows so bushy that it was a wonder he could see at all.

If Bilbo had remembered some moments of her early childhood, then perhaps she would have recognized the wizard in front of her. Indeed, he was actually a wizard, and not some conjurer of cheap tricks like the ones that pulled bunnies out of hats. This was Gandalf the Gray, the meddlesome wizard who had whisked off many young hobbit lads and lasses away on wondrous adventures. Among those young hobbit lads and lasses, Belladonna was included.

Bilbo immediately shook her head, remembering her manners. "Good morning!" she said brightly, since it was a very good morning, at least until she had been disturbed by this odd stranger. Perhaps it could continue to be a good morning and he'd just leave.

"What do you mean?" the old man rumbled. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good on this particular morning; or that it is simply a morning to be good on?"

"All of them at once," Bilbo replied weakly, a bit surprised at how he had said all of that without running out of breath. She placed the tip of her pipe on the corner of her lips. "How may I be of assistance? Do you fancy a smoke ring and some company?" With that, she blew an impressive silver smoke ring that floated over the Hill.

"Perhaps later," said Gandalf. "Right now, I am looking for someone to share in an adventure." He paused, letting his words wash over the hobbit. He was certainly dramatic, this wizard.

"An adventure?" Bilbo repeated, nearly choking on her pipe. "I highly doubt you'll find anyone interested in adventures here, my good friend!" She stood up, only coming to the man's ribcage, and made her way towards her mailbox. Pretending to busy herself with her letters, she tried to take no notice of the man in an attempt for him to leave.

He stayed put. How obnoxious.

"Good morning!" Miss Baggins said crossly and made her way towards her round green door.

"What a lot of ways to use 'good morning' for!" the old man exclaimed, hobbling closer to her. "Now you wish to get rid of me!"

"Ye-no!" Bilbo nearly cursed for her blunder and quickly added, "No, it's just, er, it's just... pardon me, my good sir, but may I have your name?"

"Yes, yes, of course," the old man said, "Though you won't have to introduce yourself since I know quite a lot about you, Miss Baggins! I am Gandalf and Gandalf means me! To think I should live to be dismissed by Belladonna Took's only daughter as if I were some old peddler!" Looking distinctly ruffled as he adjusted his staff, he waited for her reaction.

Bilbo furrowed her eyebrows, lips in a thin line as she tried to place the man's face. Gandalf, Gandalf, Gandalf- oh! A memory of herself as a child playing with her wooden sword crossed her mind. She had giggled madly as she had run to and fro during that summer party, challenging others to duel with her. The only one who had courageously accepted her challenge had been a bent old man with a long beard and pointy hat. Fireworks. Didn't he make fireworks?

"Oh, dear!" she exclaimed. "Pardon me, Gandalf, but it has been many years since I have seen you! Though I do remember your fireworks. They were quite beautiful. My favorite had been that bursting flower one," she finished with a fond smile at the memory. "I had no idea you were still in business!"

The wizard's amusement turned to offense and Bilbo snapped her mouth shut. "And where else should I be?"

"Ehh," she said with a vague wave and took it upon herself to puff on her pipe in an attempt to stop any other stupid statements from coming out of her mouth.

Gandalf squinted at her from underneath his bushy eyebrows, keen blue eyes piercing her skin. "Miss Baggins, it seems you have changed indeed since I last saw you," he stated and Bilbo had to fight not to retort back that she was five when she last saw him, "I wonder whatever happened to the young fauntling looking for adventure! Trailing mud onto the carpet after her escapades with that Brownlocks lad-"

Gandalf went on, but Bilbo had froze. Did he know about Rory?

C'mon, Bo, it'll be an adventure!

A wave of anger flashed over the hobbit as she remembered her parents and Rory and she stamped her furry foot. She absently fingered the leather rope and stone around her neck as she yelled at the wizard. "Sorry, but it seems that while you have been reminiscing the past, I seem to be living in the present!" she huffed and the wizard looked taken aback. "And in the present I am perfectly respectable! I'll have nothing to do with any adventures whatsoever! Thank you! Good morning!"

She turned and scuttled to her door, slamming it shut with a satisfying thud. She heard the wizard harrumph to himself, muttering something about ungrateful Baggins and propriety. Bilbo slid down her door, face buried in her yellow skirts. She felt tears burn in her eyes and chided herself on living in the past when she had just stated she was living in the present. It was about time she had forgotten about Rory, no matter how hard it was, and it was high time she stopped mourning the loss of her parents.

Bilbo wiped her eyes angrily and rested her head against the green wood. She was about to get up, put on the kettle and make a seed cake to soothe her nerves, when she heard a scratching sound on her door. She frowned. Was that- Was that wizard scratching her door with that damned staff?!

Miss Baggins let out a squeak of indignation and whirled to look out her window, face pressed against the round glass. A sharp blue eye lidded with a busy gray eyebrow suddenly appeared in the window and Bilbo nearly screamed in fright as she scuttled out of the way and into the confines of her kitchen. Her chest rising and falling rapidly from the fright, she could've sworn she heard laughter. She double checked twice to see if the old man was still outside, but he was nowhere in sight.

She pursed her lips and made her way towards her stove, lighting a fire and putting her kettle on. She would need some food to calm herself. A piece of cake would do.

In the end, she ate three pieces of seed cake along with a full cup of tea and by then she was quite sure that she had escaped this whole adventure nonsense. She laughed to herself and she brushed the crumbs off her plate and into the rubbish bin. Honestly! An adventure! In the Shire! What was he going to do? Hunt some rogue squirrels?

"Hm, maybe he wanted to slay a dragon," she mused to herself. "Or perhaps save a princess!"

The rest of Bilbo's Trewsday was spent looking for the wizard in a state of constant fear. Bilbo, wearing her blue coat and yellow waistcoat, walked briskly through the marketplace to buy food for her dinner. She purchased a fish from the stand, a few greens, and some carrots. She scuttled to and fro, occasionally hiding behind stands. This earned her some rather strange looks from other hobbits, though she paid them no notice.

They would be acting the same way if a weirdo wizard had asked them on an adv- quest. A quest.

Bilbo dodged a flock of fauntlings who began calling for a story, and bumped into Mr. Worrywort. The hobbit pushing his cart of tubers immediately stopped and smiled warmly at her.

"Ah, Miss Baggins!" he said brightly and took of his hat politely. "I was hoping to run into you! Thought you'd might like to take a gander at my new tubers!"

Bilbo nearly choked a bit, but forced herself to smile. "Oh, yes. They look very nice, Mr. Worrywart!"

He smiled proudly. "Lyla Cotton helped me out with these. Wonderful girl." Bilbo blushed a bit at the name of the prettiest lass in the Shire. She'd be lying if she wasn't one of the many hobbits who had done ridiculous stunts to impress the girl (though her stunt had been significantly more embarrassing).

Bilbo nodded. "Yes, she's quite-" Her eyes traveled over the marketplace and stopped dead on a pointed blue tip sticking out from above a stand. "Mr. Worrywort, how are your children?" she asked and he happily went on about his kids while she hid behind his cart.

She slowly peeked over the wood to see that the "hat" of the wizard had been a bunde of blue fabric carried by a tall hobbit lad. She looked to Mr. Worrywort, who was observing her strangely.

"Are you alright, Miss Baggins?" he asked, well, worriedly.

"Fine!" she answered a bit high pitched. "Have a good day, Worrywort, and say hello to your wife for me!"

Thus Miss Baggins awkwardly ran back to her smial while hobbits whispered to each other, wondering if the Baggins had finally cracked.

By the next day, Miss Baggins had almost forgotten the incident with the old crackpot wizard. It was supper time, the twilight sky enveloping Hobbiton's hills and smials and the stars beginning to twinkle in the sky. Bilbo was dressed comfortably in her dressing gown and patchwork robe, as no one visited Bag-end this late, and was making herself a modest meal of scones, fish, and some greens.

Bilbo sat in her chair and sprinkled lemon over her fish, ready to grab her fork and dive in, when her doorbell suddenly rang. She immediately frowned and wondered who on earth would be visiting her this late when the bell rang again impatiently. A few knocks sounded with heavy thuds. Honestly, the nerve! Perhaps it was some youngster playing a trick. Grumbling to herself about annoying youths, the Baggins made her way to her door and yanked it open a tad too roughly.

A dwarf faced her. There was no one else it could be; too short to be a human, too hairy and sturdy to be a hobbit. He was absolutely terrifying from his bald, tattooed head to his steel-tipped boots. He wore traveling furs and leather and, Yavanna Almighty, was that a pair of axes?! The dwarf scowled at her from under his bushy brown beard.

"You've got to be joking," he mumbled to himself, but Bilbo still heard him. The rugged dwarf sighed before bowing stiffly. "Dwalin, at your service!"

Bilbo hoped her voice wasn't as high as it sounded to her ears as she replied, "Bilbo Baggins at yours!"

The dwarf- Dwalin- simply nodded and made her way into her house, just like that! Bilbo nearly squawked as he unfastened his dark green hood and cloak and hung it on her peg. She tried to catch up to him as he made his way to her kitchen.

"I'm sorry!" she said. "Do I know you?"

The dwarf looked at her as if she had grown two heads. "No."

Then he sat down in her seat and began to eat her dinner! Bilbo flapped her mouth uselessly and eventually gave up, plopping down in the nearby chair and watching mournfully as he ate with appalling manners. This is it, she thought, I'm going to be murdered by a giant dwarf. She eyed the frying pan on her stove and moved towards it in case she needed a weapon to defend herself.

"This is very good!" said Dwalin and she nearly jumped at the sound of his deep voice. "Is there anymore, Mrs. Baggins?"

"Er, yes, help yourself," she responded, slightly startled by the term "Mrs." and handed him the plate of biscuits which he immediately scarfed down appreciatively.

"Um, Mr. Dwalin?" she tried and he looked up from his meal, crumbs in his beard. "I don't mean to bother you with any questions, but the thing is, I wasn't expecting any-" The doorbell rang again, interrupting her.

"That'll be the door," Dwalin rumbled when Bilbo wasted a few seconds just staring in shock towards her house's entrance, lips parted in surprise.

"Of course!" she said briskly and tied her robe. "Excuse me!"

She stalked over to the door and opened it carefully, peeking between the crack at the new arrival. Another dwarf! This one wasn't as terrifying as the other and had a grandfatherly appearance. He donned a scarlet hood, his long forked white beard making a startling contrast against the rich color.

"Balin," he introduced himself, "At your service!" He bowed low, his beard touching the floor. He clasped his hands together and smiled jovially.

"Thank you," Bilbo said breathlessly, which was not at all the proper response, but the dwarf seemed unaffected.

"What a pleasant surprise to see you, Mrs. Baggins! Ah, I see they have started to arrive!" he remarked as he glanced at Dwalin's hood at the rack.

Balin strode in as if he had been invited all along and placed his hood upon the rack, shambling into the kitchen to join Dwalin. Bilbo stood at the door for a little while, focusing on taking deep breaths. She was a Baggins! She had hosted before! Two dwarves weren't that big of a deal, right? She could handle this!

When she returned to her kitchen, she founded Dwalin and Balin embracing like old friends (in fact, they were brothers as she later found out). She jumped when they smashed their foreheads together with a loud crack and wondered if they had hurt themselves. They just laughed it off and made their way towards her pantry.

"I don't suppose you have any seed cakes, Mrs. Baggins?" Balin asked, his voice a bit muffled from being inside the pantry.

"And beer?" Dwalin's deep voice grumbled and Bilbo found herself saying, "Lots! Help yourselves!"

She slapped her hand over her mouth in shock and shook herself. "Keep it together, Baggins!" she scolded and ran her hands through her hair. She should probably tie it up, especially since she had company.

She headed towards her bedroom to change into a more proper attire when the doorbell rang again as if some naughty hobbit boy was trying to pull it off. Another dwarf? Bilbo sighed through her nose, passing Balin and Dwalin who were currently emptying the pantry, and made her way to her door. She opened it a crack and peeked through, like she had done with Balin, and her jaw dropped at the two dwarves in front of her.

They were both very young, would probably have come of age only a little while ago, she noted as she opened her door fully. The shorter one had golden hair filled with complex braids, even his mustache was braided and beaded, and wore leather armor along with a pair of double swords. The taller one looked slightly younger with wide brown eyes, messy dark hair, and only a layer of stubble coating his jaw. He favored a bow and broadsword, his leathers blue and darker grays rather than warm browns.

"Fíli," said the golden-haired one.

"And Kíli!" said the dark one.

"At your service!" they finished together and swept into flourishing bows that were far too grand for a simple hobbit. A mischievous grin worked its way onto the dark one's face as he observed the hobbit and he remarked cheekily, "Why, we had expected a Mr. Boggins! Not a lass as lovely as you!"

Perhaps it was that remark that made Bilbo snap because her eye suddenly twitched and she slammed the door in their admittedly handsome faces. Fíli she thought, stopped the door with his boot as his companion's face looked crestfallen.

"Are we at the wrong house?" he asked, brown eyes huge.

"What? No, no!" she replied and he smiled.

"Well, that's a relief!" Kíli exclaimed and barged inside without a by-your-leave.

Fíli, smirking, strutted into the smial while Bilbo fumed silently. She went to take his coat and found her arms full of weapons, swords, and even a spade. She glared up at the blond dwarf, who warned her, "Be careful. I've just had them sharpened."

"Very nice house, Mrs. Boggins!" Kíli remarked as he rubbed his boots on her mother's glory box.

"Please don't do that!" she snapped and set down Fíli's swords roughly.

Fíli chuckled while Kíli looked faintly embarrassed. "Sorry, Mrs. Boggins." She frowned at the misuse of her name.

"Now," Fíli said and clapped his hands together. "Are there any others here or is it just you and Mr. Baggins?"

"Actually, there's no Mr.-" Bilbo began but was cut off by Kíli's astonished cry of, "Mr. Dwalin!"

The young dwarf clapped the burly Dwalin on his padded shoulder. The warrior allowed himself a small smile from under his beard and he nodded respectfully at Fíli. "C'mon, lads, we need to move the table. We won't be able to fit anybody in that tiny kitchen!"

Bilbo was about to remark that her kitchen was a very decent size, thank you very much, when she realized the dwarf's words. There will be more, she though, slightly horrified. Dear, she was going to play hostess, but this was taking things a bit far! She had no idea what to make for dwarves, especially with such a crowd! She began to protest a bit as her precious floors were scratched up as the dwarves moved her tables together.

"My dear dwarves, please!" she began and the doorbell rang again. Ding-dong-a-ling-dang. She was really starting to hate that bell. And what was that hard rat-tat? Somebody was banging on her freshly painted door with a stick! Stamping to her door, she screeched, "THERE IS NOBODY HOME! GO AND BOTHER SOMEBODY ELSE! THERE ARE TOO MANY DWARVES IN MY FU- ARGH!"

A gaggle of dwarves collapsed onto the poor hobbit once she threw open the door. By the Valar, how many were there?! Poor Miss Baggins felt the air knock out of her as an exceptionally fat dwarf fell right on top of her and she let out a squeak of fright at the thought of being crushed to death by a bunch of heavy dwarves.

She heard laughter and swore softly once she recognized the daft old wizard's voice as he commented, "My dear girl, it is very unlike you to keep guests waiting on the mat and open the door like a pop-gun! Very improper!"

"What's improper is being crushed by several dwarves!" groaned Bilbo and the fat dwarf was lifted off of her. He looked extremely flustered and apologized so kindly that Bilbo mumbled, "Pray don't mention it, dear dwarf!"

"Ah, see, Bombur?" called a hatted dwarf with a long mustache. He wrapped his arm around the ginger dwarf. "Hobbits are gentle creatures and very forgiving! Wouldn't be good if we all continued to fall on top of them. As you can see, Mr.-" the dwarf suddenly stopped and seemed to take in her appearance for the first time before coughing and smiling widely, "Mrs. Baggins is no exception. Bofur, at your service!"

"Hello," Bilbo said weakly and one by one, the dwarves introduced themselves, though she mixed up the names terribly. For one thing, they all rhymed! How absurd! It was almost like this was a children's tale.

Soon Miss Baggin's coat rack was filled with twelve cloaks and matching hoods. The throng of dwarves made their way towards her dining room, clapping each other on the back in greeting and talking merrily. Bilbo blinked slowly and took a deep breath. Then another. She would need as much air as she could get before she started yelling at that damned wizard who had the nerve to look amused.

"Gandalf," she snapped and whirled to face the old man, who looked a bit sheepish, "A word in the parlor please?"

"Of course, my dear hobbit," he said amiably and she wondered if she could punch him. Maybe if he kneeled, she could stretch a bit... Admittedly, she had never punched anyone and never had to urge to. Except for Otho Baggins, but everyone wanted to hit that stupid hobbit.

Bilbo marched to her parlor room with Gandalf in tow, the wizard hunched so he wouldn't bump his head against the ceiling. A few of the dwarves laughed at the sight of the wizard trailing after the tiny hobbit like a lapdog. When she was sure they were alone (she wasn't going to yell at the wizard in front of everyone, she had some manners), she practically exploded.

"What on earth is going on?!" she shouted in a whisper. "Why are there dwarves in my home? If this has to do with that stupid adventure, I swear I will shove my foot up your-"

"Now, now, no need to get violent, Miss Baggins," Gandalf admonished and Bilbo pinched the bridge of her nose. "And yes, it does have to do with the adventure, though I'd prefer your two feet to stay on the ground, if you please."

Bilbo pressed her lips into a thin line. "Am I supposed to host this- this unexpected party?"

"I would certainly hope so," Gandalf said as he lit his pipe with his finger. "Not many hobbits are fond of outsiders. Dwarves would make some faint, even!"

Miss Baggins, growing increasingly annoyed, attempted to calm herself. She tugged restlessly at her necklace, trying to think of what to do. Her father would have been huffing and puffing, no doubt about it. But her mother and Rory? Why, they would laugh and join the dwarves. They would play host and cook (although Rory was a terrible cook, he had always tried). Bilbo let go of her necklace and looked up at Gandalf who was watching her curiously.

Probably wondering if she was going to explode again. Smart man.

"Fine," she said quietly. "I'll play host. But my pantry better be restocked by the end of the week!" She tried her best to looking threatening, but probably failed miserably.

Bilbo shook her curly head once more in an attempt to clear her thoughts and entered back into the madness overtaking her house. She dodged several dwarves carrying items of food (and even her best beer barrel!). She had to admit she may have insisted that four blocks of cheese was a tad excessive to Bombur, but he looked so glum that she told him to enjoy the food, but please, Master Dwarf, just use a cheese knife.

She quickly retreated into her room to put on more appropriate clothing and chose a dark blue skirt along with her nice white top with the puffy sleeves and striped bodice. Quickly putting on her black choker with its silver pendant and tucking her leather chord into her blouse, she reentered her kitchen and set about making something for the dwarves. If she was going to host, she would do it right.

"Mrs. Baggins?" a quiet voice asked and she turned to see Bombur standing awkwardly by the entrance. "Do you need any assistance?"

She blinked in surprise at the shy manner of such a large fellow, but quickly recovered herself. "Of course, Master Dwarf! I trust you know your way around a kitchen?"

He smiled softly and his ears pinked. "I cook for my wife and children, Mrs. Baggins."

"How wonderful!" Bilbo commented as she stirred her stew. "And it's Miss Baggins, if you please. I'm not married."

Bombur, bless him, just nodded without comment. Bilbo was a little surprised, in all honesty. Almost always someone commented on her living alone without any children or a husband. Sometimes they were merely worried for her safety, or sometimes they were just being downright rude for the sake of embarrassing her in front of guests. It was a pleasant change. Together, the hobbit and the rotund dwarf were able to make two pies and three pots of stew for the hungry dwarves.

Bilbo laid out thirteen bowls on the table while the dwarves around her brought other food from her pantry. She passed a bowl to a young dwarf with a bowl cut who blushed when she smiled at him. The silver haired dwarf next to him with a bulbous nose and intricately braided hair gave him a look while the dwarf with his hair plaited like a star admired the cutlery.

"Thank you, Mrs. Baggins," he thanked her quietly and Bilbo felt her smile grow wider once the silver haired dwarf, he must have been his brother, nodded approvingly.

"Say, Baggins," drawled a voice and she turned to see the pointy-haired dwarf with braided eyebrows holding her forks. "This real silver?"

"Nori!" hissed the elder dwarf and grabbed the fork from his hand, turning apologetically to the hobbit. "My apologies, Mrs. Baggins, but my brother seems to have forgotten all of his manners."

Bilbo felt herself laugh and shrug. "It's fine. Enjoy your meal!"

What followed next was an extraordinary display of absolutely revolting manners, drinking, and burping. Not to mention food throwing. Miss Baggins stood in the corner of the room, nibbling on a biscuit as her appetite was quite taken away. The dwarves were exceptionally loud, laughing and joking jovially with their mouths open. Bilbo felt her jaw drop when Fíli strode across her table, cool as you please, asking if anyone wanted an ale. He must have noticed her distress since he handed her a mug.

"You look like you could use a drink, Mrs. Baggins!" he exclaimed and she nearly sloshed beer all over her blouse. He seemed to notice her outfit change since he stared at her skirt and top for so long it made her uncomfortable. "Sorry, Mrs. Baggins, it's just that I never realized how oddly hobbits dressed! Practically no furs at all! Not even any shoes!"

Bilbo fought back the urge to retort that hobbits dressed wonderfully and dwarves were the ones who dressed strangely, but Fíli was called over to his brother. Gandalf was chuckling once again, thoroughly happy he was ruining Bilbo's evening, and she glared furiously at him. Soon the dwarves had all finished eating (except for Bombur) and they all began to clean up. Bilbo shot up from her spot in her corner.

"It's alright, I've got this," she said and took some plates from a gray haired dwarf with an ear trumpet. He looked puzzled, so she added, "It's tradition in the Shire for the host to clean up."

"What?" he said loudly and she raised her eyebrows. "You're for hire? No thanks, lassie, but I've got my eye on a dam back in Ered Luin."

Bilbo stared at him incredulously and then felt her plate being taken from her hands. "Here, Mrs. Baggins," Fíli said, "I'll take this. Kíli! Catch!"

The tired hobbit let out a shriek as one of her best dishes was thrown through the air and caught by Kíli. The brunette dwarf threw it towards another, the one with the axe in his head, who caught it without looking and deposited it in the sink. The dwarves remaining at the table began to bang their utensils and plates in a steady rhythm and Bilbo felt her eye twitch once more.

"Can you please not do that?" she shouted. "And don't do that to the knives! You'll blunt them!"

"Oh, did ya hear that, lads?" Bofur teased. "She said we'll blunt the knives."

Then the dwarves broke into a song that sounded suspiciously rehearsed.

"Blunt the knives, bend the forks!" sang Kíli as he caught another plate.

"Smash the bottles and burn the corks!" joined Fíli, smiling at Bilbo as she resembled a tomato, color rising to her face.

"Chip the glasses and crack the plates!" the dwarves sang and banged against the table. "That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"

"Cut the cloth and trail the fat!

Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!

Poor the milk on the pantry floor!

Splash the wine on every door!"

Bilbo let out a breathless shout as she was suddenly swept up by no one other than Kíli, damn him and his cheeky smile, and he spun her so wildly she was sure she would fly away. She hoped no one had seen her small clothes from under her skirts, but the thought was quickly banished when her hand was grabbed by Nori who also spun her. Soon she was being passed between dwarves, unable to copy their footwork as she was working on not falling on her face and that was saying much as she was one of the fastest dancers in the Shire.

"Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl,

Pound them up with a thumping pole!

And when you're finished, if they're whole,

Send them down the hall to role!

That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"

They finished off with a bang, thumping their mugs together and sloshing beer everywhere. Bilbo spun wildly one last time, colliding right into poor Ori and nearly knocking him to the ground. She apologized profusely when suddenly three heavy knocks sounded on her door and everyone froze. The dwarves slowly turned to the wizard expectedly and Gandalf released smoke through his nose. The dim light from his pipe made him look eerie and sorcerous.

"He's here," he said deeply and Bilbo nearly fainted right then and there.

"There's another one?" she muttered irritably.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. For now, updates will be once a week every Friday (though that may change in the future since school will be done soon)