You Were Conceived Next to a Tortoise Enclosure

Disclaimer: I wish!

Prologue

Their first meeting was anti-climactic, but then that's usually how first meetings go. It is rarely an accidental stumble into open arms, or dropped groceries on cement pathways, hardly ever fingers touching over the last CD of an obscure rock band that no one else appreciates until they are appreciated and then they're just sell-outs because they've totally changed their whole style and- I digress. In summary, their first meeting was pretty shit as far as first meetings go.

"Tetsuuuuyaaaa."

"Please don't yell, Kame-san, your voice echoes," said Kuroko, attempting another shot.

Tsukino, who was sprawled out on the floor beside the hoop, lifted her head up to watch, her eyes partially obscured by wavy locks of black hair. The ball bounced off the rim and rolled pathetically out of sight.

"Oooooh, and it's another miss for Kuroko Tetsuya," she exclaimed, returning to her resting position. "Let's go already Tetsuya, I'm bored."

"You could always practise with me," said Kuroko.

"What for?" Tsukino said, rolling onto her back. "I'll just embarrass you."

Kuroko pointed another one of his penetrating blank-faced stares at her. "Prove it."

"Ah well, um, you see I would love to but I gotta reserve my energies for tonight."

"What's happening tonight?"

"Y'know, this and that."

Picking up the ball, Kuroko dribbled it up and down the court before attempting and failing another shot.

Though to an outside observer his face was expressionless, Tsukino, having known him since childhood, could tell that he was getting irritated.

"You're entering dangerous territory, Kame-san. Promise me that you'll rethink your decision."

"Nope."

"Kame-san-"

Tsukino let out an obnoxiously loud yawn and kicked up into a standing position. "Look, if you're going to be a brat about it, then I'll leave."

All of a sudden something bright orange and blurry came whizzing towards her. Tsukino threw both her hands up and just managed to catch the ball, the impact knocking her back a few steps.

"What the hell!" she shouted, thrusting it back at Kuroko.

Back turned to her, Kuroko made a show of ignoring her existence.

"See, that is the definition of brat-AH!" exclaimed Tsukino, leaping out the way as the ball came hurtling towards her again. She was about to fist pump her triumph when it ricocheted off the wall and hit her head. "Ouch," she muttered, rubbing her skull. "Jerk."

Kuroko kept his back turned as if he had no idea what had just happened.

Kicking the ball into her hands, she inspected it curiously. "Hey, I think I'm starting to get it."

Kuroko deigned to glance at her.

"What that red head, what's his name, Aka-something, was saying."

Now Kuroko was watching her with an almost jaded look in his eyes, as if he didn't believe her capable of deducing what the mighty first-string regular had alluded to. Which she wasn't.

"You can stand in the crowd and throw things at people."

"Please stop talking, Kame-san."

"Fine, be patronising about it. From now on I'll just keep my opinions to myself,"said Tsukino, carelessly flinging the ball over her shoulder with a smirk.

Kuroko's eyes followed its trajectory, his expression remaining blank as it bounced off the hoop.

"That was embarrassing."

"Shut up."

The doors to the gym swung open and a young man with blue hair rolled in. At first, he didn't notice the two friends having a silent stand-off and dropped his bag on the floor, proceeding to stretch in the corner.

"Good evening."

Aomine Daiki swung round in surprise, still not used to the shadow man's lack of presence.

"Yo, Tetsu," he said, grinning upon realising who it was. "Still at it?"

"Yes," said Kuroko, a determined look in his eyes. "I'm having trouble trying to figure out how I can be useful to the team."

The young girl raised her hand in the air. "Ooh, I know this one."

Both boys looked at her, Aomine raising his eyebrow curiously.

"Stay away from them," she said. "Trust me, they'll be grateful."

"I'd be grateful if you stayed away from me," said Kuroko.

Tsukino stuck her middle finger up at him.

"Who're you?" Aomine asked blankly.

Noticing the highly affronted look on Tsukino's face, Kuroko decided to interject. "This is Tsukino Kame. You two are in the same class."

"Eh? Really?"

"We were even paired up in the first term for a history project," said Tsukino, her shoulders slumping.

"It's because you have a forgettable face, Kame-san," Kuroko said matter-of-factly.

"Oi, Tetsu, don't say that," Aomine whispered sharply. Rubbing the back of his neck, he turned to Tsukino with an apologetic smile. "I'm just really bad at remembering stuff."

Forlorn, sunken eyes stared back at him. "You came round to my house once."

Kuroko slipped away and went to retrieve the ball that had rolled behind the hoop.

Aomine's brow furrowed. "What? Seriously? I swear I would have remembered-"

"We made sweet, sweet love."

"We made….? UWAH!? What did you say?"

"You were very tender."

There was silence.

"You're screwing with me," he said.

Her face split into a wide toothy grin, eyes disappearing into slits. Aomine instinctively recoiled. It was quite a frightening sight; Mama Tsukino often likened it to a lion baring its teeth, while her older brother disagreed and said she looked more like a constipated old woman whose dentures were about to pop out.

"I apologise on Kame-san's behalf," said Kuroko, appearing of nowhere beside Tsukino. "She has quite a lewd sense of humour."

"At least this way he's unlikely to forget the name Tsukino Kame," said Tsukino, folding her arms across her chest haughtily. It would have been highly fitting had she suddenly burst into a villainous guffaw.

"Do you even know his name?" asked Kuroko.

Cue tumbleweed moment.

"Of course I do." She tapped her finger against her lips. "Ao… Ao…"

"Aomine Daiki!" spluttered the man in question.

"Aomine Daiki!" Tsukino exclaimed with a snap of her fingers, as if it had just come to her. "Told you I knew."

"Go home, Kame-san."

"Yep."

Sprinting off towards the entrance, she gave them a half-hearted salute and disappeared out of the double doors.

One thing was for sure, Aomine Daiki never did forget her name after that. It was pretty hard to considering how she managed to pop up everywhere. Like mould.

Author's Note:

It was lying around and I figured what the hell. I need to write me some light-hearted humour.