Ground Zero
Tomoki knows something has happened between then and now, a single moment that defined their roles in this world.
He's afraid to look at her sometimes for fear of finding himself in Tomoko's eyes. He doesn't want to end up like her, so he stays away. He knows she needs help, but he doesn't think he can help her. Shoving her away physically solves the the mental dilemma, mostly. But in the quiet moments late at night, where the click-click-click from her room infiltrates his, the thoughts return to haunt him.
Sleep is difficult.
The basest level of their identities is so similar it's hard for him to distinguish. So Tomoki tries to pick himself a different path, diverges his choices away from his sister, forces himself into things that will leave him too exhausted to care about the world. And that's the difference that separates them.
Tomoki tries not to care. Tomoko cares too much.
And this is how things will always be, he thinks. Sure, he is scared for his sister; what might happen to her, what she might do to herself. But honestly, he is more scared for himself. If he stares into the dark too long, the dark might stare back. Tomoki resolves to ignore it.
It's on a May Tuesday that his resolves … dissolves. He is sitting in health class during second period, and the teacher is making them read off the passages from their textbook one by one. He doesn't notice his turn until his neighbour nudges him.
Tomoki stares blindly at his textbook and realises he's on a different page. His classmate, Yuichi, sighs and shoves his textbook in front of Tomoki, directing him to the correct passage.
"Kuroki? Are you listening?" the health teacher says.
"Uh. Yes." Tomoki stands and the girls giggle.
Tomoki clears his throat. "An anxiety disorder characterised by an intense fear in one or more social situations causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life, is a social phobia known as Social Anxiety Disorder or SAD," he reads, "Physical symptoms often accompanying social anxiety disorder include excessive blushing, excess sweating, trembling, palpitations and … nausea. S-stammering may-"
He stops.
"Kuroki?"
"Sorry," he says.
"Is something wrong, Kuroki?" the teacher asks.
Some of his classmates snicker.
"No. It's just unsettling to read," he says.
To his surprise, his teacher nods sympathetically. "Yes. Social Anxiety is quite common. Eighty percent of those with SAD are never diagnosed, thus are never treated."
The class erupts into hushed whispers. The girl sitting in front of him leans over to her friend, giggling.
"You remember that girl we ran into the other day?" she says. "Do you think she has SAD?"
"The second year girl from the book store?" her friend laughs. "My sister is in her class, you know. She says she has no friend."
Tomoki feels cold all of a sudden.
"Quiet! Social anxiety is not a joke," the teacher yells. "Anybody who takes this lightly will earn themselves after school detention. Now, how to recognise those with SAD. Kuroki, sit down. Aomatsu, it's your turn."
Tomoki sits down and stares blankly at his textbook. He turns it to the correct page and follows the text as Yuichi reads.
"People who suffer from this disorder may behave a certain way and then feel embarrassed or humiliated after," reads Yuichi. "Phobias are controlled by escape and avoidance behaviours. Major avoidance behaviours could include an almost compulsive lying behaviour in order to preserve self-image and avoid judgement in front of others. Minor avoidance behaviours are exposed when a person avoids eye contact and crosses his/her arms to avoid recognisable shaking…"
Tomoki sinks into his chair as the next person picks up where Yuichi leaves off.
He finds his sister on these pages and it unsettles him.
His sister lies compulsively to preserve her self-image, or the delusion of it. She stammers, blushes and avoids eye contact when interacting with strangers. Tomoki has seen it, of course he has.
He knows how she behaves around school, since he's gone out of his way to avoid her. He's heard her lie on the phone too. He's seen her trip over herself trying to control her shaking. And not to mention that time she made a fool of herself ordering food. Just talking to him an hour every night isn't going to solve anything. He doesn't think she'll ever get better.
It is such a depressing thought.
On top of that, she doesn't even have friends to eat lunch with.
Before he knows it, the lunch bell rings.
"Kuroki. Please come see me."
It's the heath teacher. She's waiting for him by the door.
His friends who were gathering around his desk look confused.
"Come back soon," says Yuichi.
"You didn't get in trouble, did you?" says Kirito.
"No, you retard," says Tomoki although he isn't sure.
He shoves Kirito on the head before walking away.
The hallway is littered with freshmen who give him odd looks because he is Tomoki the rising star player of the soccer team. Or something.
"Kuroki. Do you have a sister?"
Tomoki's eyes widen. So she doesn't beat around the bush.
"No," he lies.
The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Let me ask you again. Do you have a sister, Kuroki?"
"Yes."
The teacher nods. "I'm Tomoko's homeroom teacher. Has she had difficulty communicating since very young?"
This trips Tomoki and he backpedals so hard his head spins.
"Sorry, what?"
"Tomoko Kuroki is your sister, correct? I'm a P.E. teacher, so I'm not an expert in mental health or anything. It's because we're short on health teacher this semester, that's why I'm teaching your health class in the first place," she starts to babble. "Your sister is having a difficult time at school, Kuroki. And I'm getting worried."
"You are…" worried?
"Nobody knows you two are related, do they? Was it your idea to keep it a secret?" she says.
A stab at Tomoki's chest. He looks away.
"Look. I know you're in that phase in life where all you care about is yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. It's part of being a teenager and growing up. I was like that too when I was your age."
He tries not to scowl.
"But she's your family, Kuroki," the teacher says. "I hope you won't regret your choices later in life."
Tomoki doesn't know what that's supposed to mean. He doesn't think he wants to find out.
:::::
"Hey, is everything okay?" says Yuichi the moment he returns to his desk.
His friends are already eating without him. Tomoki doesn't know why they have to crowd at his desk. He realises he isn't very hungry.
"It's fine," he says.
He kicks Tatsuya out of his seat. A group of the girls in the class laugh as Tausuya lands on the floor with a groan. He ignores the curses and sits down. It is his seat after all.
These are his friends. Kirito is an overachiever. He's friendly and overconfident. He likes to make fun of other people, and sometimes it's funny, but most times it's just mean. Yuichi, on the other hand, is a softy. He's closer to a nerd than anything else. But he's super skilled in soccer, and Tomoki thinks being this good at everything should be illegal. Tatsuya isn't in the soccer team, he's a jokester, loud and obnoxious.
"I bet Ogino was prying again, wasn't she?" says Kirito around a mouthful of fried rice.
"What?" says Yuichi.
"My brother has her for homeroom. Apparently, she likes to stick her nose where it doesn't belong."
Tatsuya chips in, "I think she's cool for a teacher."
"You're kidding," says Kirito. "So, what did she want with you anyway, Tomoki?"
"She asked about my family."
"See? I told you, she's totally-"
"Hey, where are you going?"
Tomoki is already walking away when he answers. "Toilet."
Predictably, Tomoki goes to look for his sister. He watches her slip out of the classroom with her lunch box.
Tomoko keeps her head down the corridor and hesitates when she sees the amount of people lingering by the stairs. She hovers awkwardly away from the crowd, waiting for the stairs to clear out. He can tell she's getting impatient, and can almost read her line of thoughts as she considers giving those people a piece of her mind. But Tomoki also sees the strain in Tomoko's posture, and her desperation of being chained to her anxiety.
It's becoming difficult to watch. Tomoki considers walking away, but something propells him forward. He doesn't know what he's going to do, but he isn't going to think about it. After all, he doesn't want to end up like her.
"What are you doing?" he says.
Tomoki whirls around, wide-eyed and terrified. The vulnerability vanishes immediately at the sight of her brother. She sneers, "What do you want? Do you have no friends to hang out with?"
His eye twitches. "Unlike you, I do have friends. Seeing your pathetic attempt to even move from this spot is annoying as hell."
He registers the hurt on his sister's sleep-deprived face before it is masked by anguish. He registers her desperation to retaliate and inwardly cringes at how pathetic she looks. It's almost unbearable.
Before he knows it, Tomoki grabs his sister by the arm and drags her towards the stairs on the other side of the corridor. Tomoko struggles and he vaguely recalls telling her to shut up.
"Where do you eat?" he says.
"Why do you care?" Tomoko squawks.
"I don't," he says.
They past by the other classes, and Tomoki ignores the odd looks thrown their way. His sister doesn't answer, so Tomoki takes her to the abandon classroom on the freshman floor.
"Is this good enough for you?"
He doesn't wait for a reply before he turns on his heels and stalks off. Tomoki doesn't know where his sister eats her lunch that day, and he tries not to care.
:::::
When Tomoki returns home that evening after soccer practice, his sister is already clicking away on her computer. He doesn't check. He goes to take his shower, and eats dinner with his mum. His sister doesn't come out. She never comes out anyway.
As Tomoki helps his mum wash the dishes, he decides to talk to her.
"Mum. I think Tomoko has social anxiety disorder," he says.
This catches his mother off guard. A pair of chopsticks slip from her hands and clatter into the sink.
"She needs to see a doctor," he opts to say. "I think she needs help."
A pause.
"Don't be silly. Your sister is fine," his mum says. "Just because she isn't as outgoing as you—"
"I'm not outgoing. But I can handle conversations with strangers. She can't," he says.
"She talks to us just fine."
"That's not the same. You haven't seen her in school, mum."
His mum bristles. "Stop it, Tomoki. There's nothing wrong with your sister. She's fine."
Tomoki doesn't know why but he's getting frustrated.
"No, she isn't. She needs help," he says louder, as if that will help, somehow.
"Who needs help?" a croaky voice says from behind them.
Tomoki looks over his shoulder to see his sister standing there in her sweatpants and a worn t-shirt, looking like a complete hobo. He stifles a sigh.
"Nobody," their mum says.
He knows Tomoko doesn't believe them.
Tomoki dries the last cup with the cloth before stacking it onto the rack.
"The neighbour's cat. It's missing," he says.
"Our neighbour has a cat?" says his sister, her slippers making pathetic flapping sounds as she walks over to scour the fridge.
"Not anymore," he says.
He can feel their mum's stare on him. She's brewing herself a cup of tea. Tomoki tries not to get annoyed that she's using the cup he's just dried.
"Hey. Do you get nervous talking to strangers?" he asked, crossing his arms and leaning against the counter.
He sees Tomoko's back tenses. She stands there, half bent with her head in the fridge, her sticks of legs poking out of her sweatpants where her stupid butt is hidden.
"No. Why are you asking, idiot?"
"I don't know. Why are you lying?" he says.
She doesn't turn to face him as she shuts the fridge. Her hands are empty as she stalks out of the kitchen.
"Are you going back to your games? You have no friends, do you?" he taunts.
"Tomoki," his mum snaps.
Tomoko screams something at him from the top of the stairs. He can't understand.
:::::
After listening to a half-an-hour lecture from his mum, Tomoki trudges back up the stairs having half a mind to apologise to Tomoko and the other half already constructing a plan against their mum.
He knows he doesn't have the right to get angry at Tomoko. But he can get angry at their mum for not taking him seriously. Tomoki really, really doesn't want to have to deal with a crazy sister, and he thinks Ogino's words must have affected him more than he's anticipated.
Tomoki twists the doorknob to his sister's room, but it's locked. He sighs.
Tomoko never locks the door unless she's angry.
"Hey," he says.
No answer.
He knocks on the door.
"Idiot, open the door," he tries.
Still no answer.
There are muffled sounds of rummaging, pacing and bed creaking. His sister is ignoring him on purpose.
He knocks again. He knows she can't ignore him for long. She's too socially deprived that she's hungry for any form of attention. Tomoki tries not to linger on the fact that understanding this comes too naturally to him.
"What do you want?" Tomoko screams at him as she swings the door open.
She pretends to look angry. Or maybe she's really angry. He doesn't think about it.
"Come watch me play soccer tomorrow."
This trips her. He can see it in the way her mouth falls open and quickly closes.
Tomoki has no idea why he's said it. He thinks that if she agrees it's going to be a disaster on his part. People will know they are related.
"Why the hell would I do that?" she says. "I have things to do, you know. I don't have time for you."
Another lie.
"It's a match against an all-boy school. Didn't you say you want a damn boyfriend?" he says. "It's been, what, a year already? Talking to me for an hour clearly isn't helping. It's wasting my time. Come watch me play."
Tomoko scowls. Her face reddens and Tomoki doesn't know if it's anger or shame.
"NO!"
She slams the door in his face.
That night, Tomoki realises helping his sister isn't going to be easy. She doesn't come for her one hour therapy. In a darkest part of his mind, he notes that getting a door slammed at isn't as fun as being the one to slam the door.
:::::
Kirito kicks him in the butt. Tomoki smacks him back across the head. This is their morning greeting. They meet Tatsuya by his locker. He's talking to a girl classmate that Tomoki has no interest in. He recalls her as the one badmouthing his sister yesterday.
"Yo."
Tomoki grunts as he forces open his locker.
"You look like hell," Tatsuya says.
"Thanks," says Tomoki.
"You're still cute, Kuroki-kun," says the girl shyly.
"Thanks," says Tomoki.
The girl blushes, ducks her head and stammers, "Ah, well. Good luck on your match today, Kuroki-kun."
She runs off before Tomoki can reply. She's cute, he thinks absently.
"Man, she's so into you," says Tatsuya. He sounds disappointed.
Needless to say, it's Wednesday and Tomoki is damn tired. He usually doesn't fully wake up until morning break. He tries to store some energy after first period by sleeping through break and second period, but his friends won't let him.
Yuichi is talking to him about the health class essay he's already finished. Tomoki isn't even aware that there is homework.
"Isn't it due next week?" says Kirito.
"Huh? Yeah, it is," says Yuichi abashedly.
"I was thinking of starting on it today," says Tatsuya. "It's gonna be a piece of cake."
"Aren't you gonna watch the match?" says Kirito.
"Oh that's right! Your father is a psychologist isn't he, Tatsu?" Yuichi perks up. "You can ask him all about the essay."
"He's a psychotherapist," says Tatsuya. "He wants me to be a doctor, too."
Tomoki straightens up from his desk with a sigh. He really can't sleep when they are talking over him like this. He is met with Tatsuya's smug face and immediately wants to groan. Tomoki doesn't want to think about homework right now.
Yuichi blinks. "Oh?"
"He thinks I have a knack for reading people." Tatsuya shrugs.
Kirito snorts.
"You do? I've never seen you do it before," says Yuichi, honestly curious.
"Of course, I do. For example, I can tell when somebody is lying."
Tomoki gets up from his desk and makes towards the door.
"Where are you going?"
"Toilet."
"Dude's lying," says Tatsuya.
"Come watch me play," Tomoki says the moment he enters Tomoko's class.
Tomoko flushes, looks around the class and ducks her head.
"No," she hisses. "Go away."
"Not until you say you'll come watch me play."
"Go away," she pleads.
Tomoki sighs and walks out of the room. Behind him, he can hear his sister's classmate trying to ask his sister about him. He can hear Tomoko trips all over herself trying to speak. Tomoki rubs his forehead and head back to his classroom.
There's got to be something he can do.
Note: This is my first time writing on this site and for a manga/anime. Please be nice to me. Also feel free to leave reviews! This is a sort of a Fix It story, written mostly from Tomoki's perspective.
Disclaimer: Only the plot, Tatsuya, Kirito and Yuichi are of my own making.