Ch 1: paradise lost

Hello everyone this is my first fic here on fanfic so be kind, but criticism is criticism so don't be afraid to correct me or whatever. Hope you guys like it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. Anything I write is only for readers to enjoy and I make no profit whatsoever in doing so. Im just a poor college student *sniffles*

One year before...

"Dammit Jim! I can't, I won't watch you die like this! That damn green blooded hobgoblin is killing you Jimmy And I don't want to see you hurt like this anymore!"

Bones eyes were red from fighting the threatening tears, he glared at Jim pacing the room. The blonde stood there trying to calm him dowm but with every touch, Bones revolted like it was acid upon his skin. Jim's lips quivered as tears continued to stream down his face and he reached out for McCoy's sleeve.

"Leonard please...I -" Bones ripped his sleeve from the blondes grasp.

"Jimmy for Gods sake open your eyes man! He's a Vulcan!"

"Half! He's half Vulcan Bones!"

"Fine then, half. But it don't make a difference Jim. He's not like us, he is completely incapable of human emotions! Which is why I can't understand why you continue this- This torment!?"

"Because I love him!"

Bones stared at Kirk. His hands were shaking balled into fists at his sides. His eyes were red from crying, cheeks wet with tears, eyes filled with so much passion accompanying those words— he turned away. The look in Kirk's eyes was a slap to the face and a burning reminder of his betrayal.

"I love him Leonard..." Bones watched his lover slide down to the floor against the wall. The doctor ran a nervous hand through his hair and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Jim, no...after everything..."

"Leo...I love you. But Spock...I can't, I- I am so sorry..."

Bones frowned quickly rubbing a hand down his face. He placed his hands on his hips looking down on the floor a skeptical look plastered upon his face.

"So that's it? You've made your decision?" Jim whimpered putting his head in between his knees, and nodded.

"Dammit all...theres nothing I wouldn't do for you Jimbo but I won't stand by as you kill yourself waiting for that damn elf to even glance your way!"

The room went silent, the only noise being the trembling sobs and occasional hiccups from the blonde. Bones paused seeing just how broken the other man was. Jim sat clutching his head between his knees, trembling fingers pulling at his hair. Bones took the few steps across the room to settle down beside the shaking man. His arm wrapped around trembling shoulders, it tore him apart to see Jim in such a weak state -but he still loved him.

Leonard lifted Jim's face tilting his head to kiss the younger man. Curious blue eyes gazed at hazel orbs and the doctor sighed.

"Dammit Jim...I could never leave you alone. I'm the one who's always gonna be here to pick up the pieces... even when there ain't no pieces to be picked..."

Jim looked up at the other man all the pain, hope and love pouring from his eyes. Bones melted and without hesitation he ravaged the blondes mouth with his own. Heated kisses and gasps echoed in the room. The doctor ran his skilled hands down Kirk's smooth tanned skin pressing opened mouth kisses along his jaw and down his neck.

Kirk gasped falling down with Leonard's body over him the carpet beneath scratchy and prickly, thier clothes had come off with the desperate need to feel eachothers skin and were now in a messy heap around them.

"Le -Leonard...H- ahh..."

The captain moaned as the doctor ground his hips into the blondes erection to elicit a groan from the pair. Bones trailed light delicate touches of his fingers down Kirk's arms taking his hands to hold them above his head. He kissed at the captains bare chest stopping to nip and suck on hard pink nipples. Jim writhed beanth him, Bones smirked at how sensitive the flamboyant egotistical captain was.

The doctors mind escaped to the memories of thier academy days when they shared a dorm. How their relationship had started after a night from drinking too much and strip poker. The stolen kisses in the halls, secretly holding hands beneath the tables, and the look they would send eachother. A plain simple stare, but the message flew clear across the room, that those blue eyes only shined for him. The doctor would smile as he noticed the flutter of delecate blonde lashes from the corner of his eye. The flush that would spread across his face as he gazed into loving crystal blue orbs.

He smiled as the memories invaded his mind and the tears flowed in steady streams. Bones gazed down at the body before him, and it was a specimen of true beauty. Tanned skin beneath his fingers, well toned muscles down his torso, a thin sheet of sweat glossed the skin like a golden sunset. He thrust his hips forward sending kirks head rolling back, gasping for air, moaning as again and again Leonard thrust in a slow rhythm. He brought his hands to the curve of Jim's lower back, the blondes arms instinctively wrapped around his neck as the doctor pulled him up. They groaned with the sudden movement, the intense friction from being pushed deeper as the younger man sat in his lap.

Jim wanted to forget. He wanted to forget the argument that happened, to change the outcome of this day and take back all the things he said. He wanted his relationship with Leonard, thier friendship and little silly fights. Warm summer nights in Iowa beneath the stars, Bones metaphors, painful hypos, and these skilled surgeon hands running down his body like his life depended on it.

The captain ground his hips forward kissing the doctor hungrily. Sloppy wet kisses and moaning distracted him if only for a second but the captain knew nothing would ever be the same. Leonard came up with his thrust both matching in pace, one hand firlmly digging into his hip while the other came down to pump Jim's swollen member. Blue eyes shot open nearly choking from the extensive wave of pleasure, head rolling back digging his nails into the doctors back.

"J- Jim...uh- "

So close, the burning white hot sensation filled his lower abdomen, blue eyes closing and he collapsed into the darkest corners of his own mind. He could feel Leonard getting closer, the head that brushed his prostate with every thrust and growing wetness. He maoned so loud he was almost screaming, begging for release. Then a single image intruded in his mind. Pale green tinted skin, dark black perfectly trimmed hair knotted in his fingers, and those fierce almond eyes dark with a ragging passion. Losing himself in the mental image, he came.

"Sp- Leonard!"

"Jim!"

They fell sweaty and panting over eachother, Kirk could feel the body beneath grow slightly tense. He waited for the anger, waited for the accusations and physical fight but it never came. He almost yelled at the other man in his paranoia when he felt the warmth of a hand rubbing his shoulder tenderly. He was so shocked at the sudden movement, so confused that his lover would not revolt in rage, but rather to shower him with love and compassion. Jim unknowingly sighed and began to cry. Still the doctor continued to rub loving circles on the captains shoulder.

Yes, McCoy heard the undeniable syllables of the Vulcan name but kept quiet. The flaring of his nostrils was almost unnoticed, furrowed brows kneaded in confusion and slight irritation. Then it dawned on him, that complete and undeniable feeling, that overwhelming sensation of envy. He envied the half breed that had stolen his lovers heart and boiled at the core with hate. Jim was radiant, beautiful, and could light up a room with just a smile. It angered Leonard that the stubborn Vulcan would never give Jim a passing glance. The worst was knowing that this unrequited love would undoubtedly kill Jim.

He sat up pulling the crying man with him. Leonard barried his fingers in soft blonde locks, he sniffled trying to calm him self down. He held Jim's head in his hands bringing thier foreheads together for a brief momment and tilted his face to kiss the captain. A sweet and loving kiss they shared and McCoy relished in the warmth of Jims lips. For a moment, even if only for a mere second, Everything was right again. Jim was in his arms, fluttering blonde lashes kissed his cheek bones with butterfly kisses, and delicate nervous shaking fingers tangled within his hair. At that moment Leonard felt complete with one thought floating through his mind.

'I could turn my back on the world...quit Starfleet...everything would be just fine and we'd go back to Iowa's hot summer nights under the stars...I'd give the world for you Jimmy and it still wouldn't be enough...'

Jim stood from the floor taking his clothes and walked into the bathroom. He washed his face running his hands through his hair. He looked up into the mirror, the reflection staring back looked as pitiful as he felt. Bones loved him, undoubtedly, but Jim couldnt feel the same. He turned off the water walking out into the sitting area where Bones sat on a couch fully dressed. His hair disheveled, and face still flushed from thier recent love session. Jim sighed as the man sat still on the couch. Pushed forward to the edge of the cushion, arms on his knees and hands clasped tightly together. Jim came to stand in front of the doctor, kneeling down he ran his fingers through the disheveled hair. A forlorn smile graced his face feeling the other man relax and lean into the touch. One last time Jim moved back those unruly cow licked bangs leaning forward to kiss his forehead and moved down to press a loving kiss to Leonard's lips. Then Jim stood and walked across the room to stand at the door. Bones could hear the quivering breathes as they passed Jim's lips. He eyed his every move, watching as trembling fingers hovered above the control panel. For a moment Bones hoped, prayed, that Jim would turn around running into his arms. That he would stand from that leather couch and bask in the warmth and softness of Jim's embrace. But his hopes were all in vein as Jim looked back tears running down his face and spoke.

"D- Don't make me choose... Because I love you both..."

And just like that, he was gone. The familiar swish of the closing doors echoing in the solemn room. Bones stood and crashed. The sudden realization struck hard —thier relationship was over. Everything and anything he found was thrown across the room, shelves of neatly stacked books now scattered the floor pages falling out and fluttering around the room. Standing at the center of the destruction, Leonard barried his head in his hands and cried. Yelling to the ceiling above paying no mind to who could hear his wails. Outside the door stood Kirk, a hand tangled in the golden fabric of his shirt. Tears trailing down his face, leaning againts the wall for support. Head rolling back looking at the ceiling as he silently cried out, he glanced at the door.

"I'm sorry..." Jim pushed off the wall and willed himself to walk away. His hands angrily wiped away his tear stained face, lips still trembling, he paid no attention to where he was going; there was no destination, he just wanted to get away.

Down the endless hall ways of the ship Kirk glided in long strides. He was thankful that the halls were empty, he hadn't crashed into anyone, or rather they kept thier distance it didnt matter. The captain inhaled another shaky breath and continued walking, head held down and hands angrily wiping at the occasional tears.

Jim is James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the U.S.S Enterprise, StarFleets youngest captain, and feared amongst the galaxy as a force to be reckoned with —he was not weak. Jim crashed and crumbled with the sudden force. He melted with the sudden strong warmth of the grip on his arms, intoxicated by the scent of the faintest hints of cologne and plant soil Jim could have fainted. He knew who the being was as soon as he caught him from falling, and so Jim froze. He was shocked beyond compare at being seen in this state by him, and scared because he was the cause of his current dismay.

"Captain?" There it was. The familiar flat tone tickling his ears waking him from his trance. The saliva drying from his mouth leaving him thirsty and swallowing dryly at the lump in the back of his throat. Terrified the captain willed himself to look up at his captor. He stared blankly at the almond eyes searching his body, he opened his mouth to speak but no words came.

The commander could only stare. He felt the trembling of the captains shoulders beneath his fingers, could feel the wave of emotions eminate from Kirk as he watched him try to contain his cries. Since he met Kirk, never had he once emcountered the man in such a state of dispare. The man who smiled an infectious and flirtatious smile, he who radiated joy and a seductive charisma, now stood inches before him crumbled and distraught. He cursed the being that caused this mans sorrow, for no matter how much of a pain the captain could be; Kirk did not deserve the tears that stained his face nor the trembling gasps that escaped his lips. His eyes softened and he squeezed the mans arms reassuringly staring back at those darkened pools of blue.

"Captain...?" Kirks breath hitched as he went still for a mere second. "Ss-... Sspo-... Spock!"

He wailed and fell into the commanders arms clutching tightly to the fabrics of the science blue shirt Spock was wearing. He held Kirk closer, his nose covered by the soft spikes of the blondes hair. Inhaling deeply, his nostrils were filled with the scent of vanilla shampoo and natural musk. Spock relaxed, his Vulcan shields dropped, trying to hold on to the feeling of the familiar warmth he had not felt since he last embraced his mother.

By now people were starring and Spock could feel thier piercing gaze disrupt thier intimate moment and he felt a sudden need to shield Kirk from thier prying eyes. Spock lifted his head to look at the people who had formed around them in the hall and glared such a menacing stare that the ensigns standing by flinched.

"If you value your positions aboard this ship, see to it that you attend to you duties and perform admirably —you are dismissed." As the group walked away Spock brought kirk closer into his chest petting the back of his head. "Come now, let us retire to my quarters Captain."

Kirk was about to protest but stopped as he felt his body being led ahead towards thier destination and just relaxed against Spocks embrace. This was the closest he'd ever been to the Vulcan. Jim knew his chances with Spock were slim, with the percentage of close to nothing. He allowed himself to bask in the warmth of Spock's arms leaning closer into his chest.

Now walking through the room Kirk blushed realizing he had never been in the Vulcan's room before. He looked up from Spock's shoulder gazing around the room. What he saw did not surprise him. The room was neat and very organized, a plant ans a single photo of the crew sat at his nightstand by the bed. It was slightly smaller than his own room, not that it was a problem, after all many of the officers aboard the ship had smaller rooms then thiers and were also joined through the bathroom.

Spock set the captain on the couch leaving to get a spare blanket. Kirk looked up nervously pulling the blanket closer as spock set it around his shoulders.

"Thank you..."

"None is needed Captain. Forgive my praying into your personal affairs, but the lack of emotional self control on your part is alarming — if I may be so inclined, to whom or what caused your despair?" Kirk chuckled, only Spock could turn such a simple question into something so complex.

"Like you said Spock... 'Personal affairs', don't worry about it..." Spock's head tilted slighty raising a qurious brow.

"My father...Once spoke these words to me, 'speak your mind'. I was a child then... Mother had mentioned to my father that it would not only clear my thoughts but would also rationalize my human emotions. In fact again, apon the death of my mother, my father once again spoke these words." Jim gave Spock a weary glance.

"So I guess it worked for you right, otherwise you would've attacked Chekov like you did me on the bridge." Jim had been trying to lighten up the mood but felt sorry when he saw the sad look cross the Vulcans face.

"I knew then lieutenant Chekov was not at fault. For me to have blamed him would have been... illogical. My true anger was not for the lieutenant, but for the Romulan that destroyed my home planet. Had he not disrupted the time frame and crossed over to our timeline, my mother would..."

"And I wouldn't be captain right now... I know it's a little fucked up to say this, but if things didnt happen the way they did I wouldn't be here right now... And I'm sort of glad they did, but I would have never wished for your mother to go like that... I'm sorry—" Spock stood looking away. "Do not be..."

Jim watched as the Vulcan walked away towards the replicator and came back with two cups of tea. Jim gratefully took the cup sipping surprisingly sweet tea. He looked up surprised, Spock innocently sipped his tea. "Thanks Spock." Spock set the tea down on the coffee table sitting besides Jim "You are welcome, Jim." The captain smiled remembering the familiar words in the hospital.

The captain smiled into his tea his eyes glossing over with threatening tears. He could feel the pain in his chest, the painful stabbing ache in his heart as he reminded himself that it was very much likely he had a zero to nothing chance with the Vulcan, even so he allowed himself this moment. A single tear fell from Jim's eye rolling off his cheek and puddled at his hand. There was no guarantee that Spock returned Jim's romantic interests, but in this little moment, the two sitting together in a comfortable silence sipping their teas, though very subtle, was the beginning to somthing as sweet as the luke warm substance in Jim's cup.