AN: I'm so happy to see that you guys are still interested in my stories. Thank you so much for your feedback, your nice words keep me going. Hope you'll enjoy the new chapter! Let me know if there are things you'd like to read about in future chapters!

Chapter 18

Red and Dembe returned to Jean's house to settle for the night. The tall bodyguard quickly excused himself to his own room, knowing that mother and son has a lot to talk about. At first every word felt like a chore and Red had to drag it out one by one, but his mother's soothing voice and gentle hands around his own had given him the much needed strength. They talked about the past, about his father, his death and how much Red despised himself for not being there and Jean told him that the two of them were so alike, thickheaded as they were. They talked about Carla and Jennifer and how much he missed his daughter; about how he had first seen Liz at the FBI's post office and how he had fallen in love with her immediately. It was as if a dam had broken and the two of them soon felt at ease, talking to one another. They were cuddled together and Red rested his head on his mother's shoulder, while her arm was wrapped around his back.

"I think I've lost her," Red said after a few minutes of silence.

"Don't be ridiculous," his mother replied. "Your girl is mad at you, rightly so, I might add, yes, but she does love you. You've overcome a lot, as it seems, you can overcome this too, but you need to talk."

"She doesn't want to talk to me. I screwed up one too many times."

"I don't believe that to be true."

"She deserves so much better."

"Raymond, Elizabeth is old enough. She can make her own decisions and she chose to start a relationship with you. She fell in love with you and she wants this family with you. You have to accept that."

He wiped at his face. "I inflicted so much pain, I hurt her so deeply."

"And you will explain yourself. Let her in, tell her why this is so hard for you. She loves you unconditionally and she knew what she was getting into, she still chose you."

He sat up straight then. "I have to see her. Before it's too late."

Jean smiled and stroked over his back. "I doubt it could be too late, but you should go to her." Before she realized it, her son drew her into an embrace, holding her tightly for a moment.

"Thank you, Mom."

"Of course, my boy. I love you, Raymond."

"And I love you. I'm sorry for causing so much pain."

"Ah… family tends to be all about forgiveness." She smiled. "Go to your girl."

LIZZINGTONLIZZINGTONLIZZINGTON

Liz was pulled from a restless slumber as someone knocked onto her hotel door. She had apparently fallen asleep on the couch. One look at the clock told her that it was a little too late for the staff to be knocking on doors. That could only mean one thing, the one thing she did not want to deal with at that moment.

"Lizzie, please," came through the door as if he knew that she had heard him.

With a sigh, she got up and opened the door. "What do you want?"

"Can we please talk?"

"I don't have anything to say to you."

"Then listen, please. Because I have… a lifetime of things to say to you."

She sighed and leaned her head against the wooden frame. "Raymond…"

"I'm begging you, let me explain myself. Afterwards, if you decide that you don't want…" He almost choked on the words. "us anymore… then I'll leave. Please, Lizzie." Stepping aside, she let him into the room, hearing him sigh in relief. "Do you want to sit here?"

"Will this take long?" She asked, wincing when she saw the hurt on his face. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No, thank you." He desperately needed a drink to loosen his tongue, but he didn't want to cause her any more trouble. "Where do I start?"

"At the beginning."

Their eyes met, both full of pain and tears. "Okay," he whispered at last and began the story.

LIZZINGTONLIZZINGTONLIZZINGTON

There was crying, tissues on the couch, some on the floor. Apologies were made, all from his side, no words of forgiveness yet from hers.

"So, your life being a total clusterfuck makes you treating me badly right?! Do you think that in telling me this I will say 'let's forget it about it and move on'?! You can't keep doing that!"

"I know," he whispered. "I don't want to do this. I want us to be happy, I want you to be happy, but all I do is make you unhappy. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. That's all. That's all there is to me, that's Raymond Reddington, the shell of the man that you wanted to be with at some point. There's nothing more to him than this. I wish there was more, because you deserve more, you deserve the best."

Liz wiped the back of her hand over her eyes and sniffed loudly. "I don't know, Raymond… I just don't know. I need to sleep on this."

He nodded. "Thank you… for letting me explain." He made to get up, grabbing his fedora, but holding it tightly between his fingers instead of putting it on his head.

"Why don't you sleep here?" She heard herself ask. "You're exhausted and there's enough room here. Tony would be overjoyed."

"I don't want to intrude."

"Stay."

He managed to crack a smile, even though it looked strained. "Thank you. Goodnight, Lizzie," he said, watching her walk towards one of the bedrooms.

LIZZINGTONLIZZINGTONLIZZINGTON

Red decided to crash on the couch in the main room, but was unable to sleep. His own actions had made the love of his life give back her ring. She didn't want to marry him anymore, she probably wanted to separate and take their son away from him too. He could barely breathe. Losing her, losing his son and their unborn child was simply too much.

Not able to sit still any longer, Red made his way towards the balcony, where he lit a cigar, grabbing a bottle of some alcoholic beverage on his way. He took a gulp straight from the bottle, not even wincing at the taste. The night was cool and the breeze went straight through the thin fabric of his dress shirt.

He knew he didn't deserve Lizzie after everything he had done in his life, but it hurt to have had her and then lose her again shortly after. Maybe that was his destiny; he wasn't supposed to have a happy end.

He wasn't sure how long he was standing there, but he had apparently drunk enough to feel slightly buzzed.

"What are you doing out here?" Her voice startled him and he turned to look at her, cigar and bottle in his hands.

"You should be sleeping," he replied gently.

"So should you. Instead you're out in the cold, smoking and drinking."

"Yeah." He made to take another sip, but she took the bottle from his hand and brought it to her own lips, grimacing at the burning sensation in her throat.

"That's disgusting. What is it?"

"Absinthe."

"The stuff that makes you blind?"

The corner of his mouth lifted slightly. "Used to. But only because they used cheap alcohol, it's more of a myth."

"It's always about myths with you, huh?" She asked, hoping he would comment on something dirty as he had done years ago.

"Elizabeth, I'm sorry," he said, looking off into the darkness. "How I reacted, what I said… I know I hurt you and I'm sorry. I had prepared myself to never see my family again and I've made my peace with it. I didn't think it would matter to you, so I didn't mention any of it. I don't enjoy discussing things I failed at or anything personal at all for that matter. I apologize for my behavior. It was cruel and unwarranted. You've already put up with so much and now I've managed to destroy the one good thing in my life."

She bit down on her lip to stop her eyes from watering, not that it helped much. "I knew when I first met you, that you're anything but easy." He huffed a laugh at that. "That didn't stop me from falling in love with you." Liz put down the bottle and took his hand in hers.

He turned to look at her, his own eyes wet with unshed tears. He watched as she took the cigar from his other hand and threw it in the ashtray. She wanted him to be healthy after all.

"I do love you."

"It still makes absolutely no sense as to why, but I'm grateful that you do. There are no words for how grateful I am. I love you so much and I can't imagine having to live my life without you, without our children. There's nothing I want more than to have you by my side as we watch our two beautiful children grow up. I want that, Lizzie. I need it, I crave it." She squeezed his hand, unable to respond because of the thick lump in her throat. "I know I keep disappointing you. I haven't been in an exclusive relationship for too long. I'm a loner, Lizzie and this isn't easy for me, but I am trying, because I want this. I want it more than anything," he told her, his voice breaking throughout his monolog.

"I want that too," she managed to choke out.

"Give me one last chance. Please don't leave me. I can't lose you. Just one more chance, sweetheart, that's all I'm asking. I'll make this up to you and I'll work harder on becoming the man you want me to be."

She looked down at his hand in hers, fiddling with his fingers. "There's only one problem," she said, her eyes rising to meet his. He looked anxious and she didn't want to put him on edge any more. "You already are that man."

Feeling his hand shaking, she used the grip to pull him towards her. He came willingly and soon she was wrapped in his strong embrace, his heart banging hard enough to feel it under her ear, his whole body shaking.

"Thank you," he whispered into her hair, refusing to let go of her. "Thank you, Lizzie."

She could only nod as she felt his tears drop onto her skin. Biting her lips, she pulled him impossibly closer, shutting her eyes tightly when she felt him sigh in return. Things would turn out alright in the end, she just had to keep believing.