When Jim walked onto the bridge he smiled. Nyota was there and she smiled back at him. Bones was looking humorously grumpy and Sulu and Chekov were working. Jim only realized he was tense when he saw Spock walk into the room. He immediately relaxed, which he didn't think about long enough to be surprised. "Permission to come on board, Captain?" "Permission granted," Jim said feeling his chest tighten. He was beginning to think Spock would go back to the colony.

And Spock made him smile with his next words, "As you have yet to select a first officer, respectively, I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references." Jim stood up and hoped he conveyed as much respect as he felt. It had been only nine months since the destruction of Vulcan, nine months of building, of chaos and heartbreak. And here Spock was ready to help with Star Fleet, ready to leave his colony behind because this, this is where he wanted to be. Jim never admired someone more than in that moment.

"It would be a honour, Commander."

It was officially one year since a planet died. Since almost five billion Vulcans perished. Jim slept in, mostly because he was hung over. Bones had fallen asleep on the floor by the couch, a bottle of brandy in his hand still. Sulu and Chekov were passed out in the bathroom, that damn that little Russian out drank all them. For a moment he felt silently guilty at getting an eighteen year old drunk but he shrugged, it caused too much nausea to care too deeply at that point in the morning. Scotty was up, looking perfect and digging in Jim's frigde.

Scotty turned to look at him and grumbled out, "What do you eat, lad? There's nothing in the fridge." Jim groaned and got a glass of water. "I don't know, usually I order out." Honestly, the thought of food was seriously going to make him throw up.

They weren't prepared to face today.

The ceremony was huge, Jim didn't think it would be that way. Chris was there beside him and he nodded when they called the captain of the Enterprise up for his speech. He thought of Star Fleet then, of Vulcan and billions of lives. He did the best he could and he was applauded, he didn't try to look for Spock in the crowd this time around.

There was a subdued gathering, Jim wouldn't call it a party atmosphere, but the Admiral's were there talking about the future to scientists and politicians. Jim smiled, which was rather hard to do and he always had a glass of champagne in his hand. "Be careful on those." Bones said, downing a glass of scotch himself. "I hate these things." Jim smiled and replied, "Here, here."

Surprising, Spock came up to them looking a little more robotic than usual. "I wished to give my appreciation for your speech earlier today, Captain. It was well written. I will be leaving now and I hope you have a successful night."

Jim's jaw almost dropped, he'd been there an hour and Chris told him he'd most likely be here all night. And Spock got to leave? So not fair. "You're leaving already?" Spock nodded, replying, "Yes, I do not believe my presence is required at this time." Jim was about to argue, that yes it was, because Spock was there with Jim, partnered with Jim and they defeated Nero together. If Jim had to go through this, then so too should Spock.

And then Bones nudged him, cutting him off and Jim realized, that oh, Spock was a Vulcan and this was a lament of Vulcan's demise. "Alright, let's all get out of here." Spock's eye brow went up and Bones looked ready to follow, even if he did sigh and say, "We're so going to have our asses handed to us by Admiral Marcus."

That night Jim, Bones and Spock ended up a quiet little pub downtown. They talked about medicine, about papers they read and hopes for what they would be doing out in space in the coming months (Spock thought this was illogical and didn't give his opinion on the matter), they talked about everything that wasn't Nero, or Vulcan. Jim only had to stop Bones and Spock from arguing six times, he thought they were doing better, honestly. It ended up being not the worst night in their memories.

It was a five year mission. It had to be. Everything so far has been going great. Three missions and all of them had ended up exactly as he planned. Well Nibiru had been a little hit and miss but the Admiralty didn't need to know about that. Spock refused to see it his way, Jim didn't let it bring it bring him down. He even told the twins he'd see them again and his good mood was staying.

"Uneventful."

Confused, Jim asked, "Admiral?" "That's the way you describe the survey of Nibiru on your captain's log." Chris said looking tired and upset. "Uh., yes sir. I didn't want to waste your time going over the details-"

Jim knew something was wrong. "Yes. Tell me more about this volcano." Jim tensed. "The data said it was highly volatile. If it were to erupt, it would wipe out the planet." Jim kept it up, he silently hoped Pike would let this go. He hummed a non-committed answer and then said, "Let's hope it doesn't, Sir."

Pike replied immediately, "Something tells me it won't." Jim saw Spock tense and he really had a bad feeling.

It came out and he looked at Spock, hurt and most of all surprised.

"You filed a report?" Jim couldn't help but feel betrayed. He respected Spock, wanted to work with him and even went out of his way to invite him onto the Enterprise and here he went and filed a report on him? Maybe he had been right, maybe he shouldn't have tried to trust again. Jim felt a burst of anger and looked away. Spock replied quickly, "I incorrectly assumed you that you would be truthful in your captain's log." Jim answered just as fast and tried to convey all of his frustration, "Yeah, I would have been, if I didn't save your life." A small part of him that he knew he'd feel a hundred times guilty about feeling like he should have left him there. And the thing was, Spock being logical and a fucking robot, probably would agree with him. And then he spoke, "A fact for which I immeasurably grateful and the very reason to take responsibility for the actions..."

Jim couldn't stand it any longer. Spock had to be smarter than that. "Take responsibility, yeah. That'd be so noble, pointy, if you weren't throwing me under the bus." Spock immediately looked confused and he asked, "Pointy? Is that a derogatory reference..."

Pike interrupted before Jim could reply. He hadn't been this upset in a long time. Figures, it would be Spock to make him so. He stood straight as Spock was dismissed. And right then, he was back to disappointing people.

He waited to hear it.

When Pike said, "I gave you my ship because I saw greatness in you and now I see you haven't got an ounce of humility." Jim couldn't help it, he turned to Pike. He truly needed an answer. "What was I supposed to do? Let Spock die?" "You're missing the point." What other point was there?

"I don't think I am. What would you have done?" "I wouldn't have risked my first officers life in the first place." Jim bit his tongue and stopped. When Pike brought up the mandate, he knew, he knew every regulation of Star Fleet and his stomach dropped at the knowledge. No. Not so soon. Not now.

That damned Vulcan!

He was frozen, shocked and once again had to witness another humiliation. And just like that, he wasn't a captain. He had never felt worse. It was as if he had gotten a glimpse of something better, just a sip of something that wasn't bad or horrible. He had planned game night with Chekov and wanted to talk about core processing with Scotty, he had just gotten into a grove with Uhura. He loved his ship and he got the best crew in the Fleet, he hand-picked all of them himself. He needed to be captain. He needed to be someone. He had done what he believed to be right, he had looked at Spock's hidden expression when Spock had informed him of the volcano exploding and knew right then he couldn't let another race die. If this was anyone's fault it was having them survey a dying planet with beings that were living and whole and needed saving, it was Star Fleet's fault for asking them to do it.

Jim ended up at a bar, a good bar, with strong drinks. He didn't comm anyone, no one knew what tomorrow was going to bring. That at twenty-six, Jim had been captain of the best ship in the Fleet and in less than four months of active duty had to give it up. He'd be laughed at all over the academy. Half of him wanted to just get it over with so that he could rise up naturally, if slowly. Another bit of him itched to take off tonight, to get his shuttle and go into space alone and free. But he thought of Saros and Spock and Bones. He didn't know how it happened but he didn't want to leave them, even if he knew they'd leave him soon anyway.

And then Pike showed up. The last guy he wanted to see. Seriously, he took his ship, couldn't he leave him alone to mope for a bit? When Jim heard that the Enterprise was going back to him, a large part of him hated Pike. But he had to admit, even to himself, if not to him, Pike was an excellent choice and he had to admit, underneath this, Jim would get over it. Jim wouldn't hate him forever. He'd try not to, at least.

"Watch your back with that first officer, though." He said, still pissed at Spock. "Spock's not going to be my first officer." Jim was surprised, Spock, even if he was an epic jackass, was the first choice he thought of with Pike. And Pike, once more surprised him. "You're going to be my first officer." Jim's heart leapt at that. A chance, he still had a chance. He wouldn't go straight back to the academy. He was truly stunned when Pike said he argued for him. Someone actually argued for him. Jim took a moment to respond and had to stop himself from tearing up. He was not emotional, but this was the very first time anyone had done anything like this. "What did you tell him?" He couldn't help but ask, he was truly floored by what Chris had done.

"The truth, that I believe in you. That if anyone deserves a second chance, it's Jim Kirk." At that, Jim had to look away. Chris really meant that and just as he knew he would, Jim felt guilty that he had been so furious at him. Within that moment, all his anger fled and morphed into gratitude. And he truly had no response to that. "I don't know what to say." Thank you seemed so small.

Chris smiled and said, "Now that's a first." Jim couldn't even smile, his concentration was on keeping his expression calm. Chris saw through him and said, "It's going to be okay, son." For once in Jim's life, he really believed Chris when he heard that.

Jim's first reaction was, guards. They were armed and MACCO trained. His old instincts kicked in and his alertness went up. He was still angry at Spock but less than what he was before. "Not Captain Spock. I've been demoted and you've been reassigned." And Spock had the balls to say the consequences could have been more severe. Vulcans!

After being snubbed the second time, Jim was ready to give up. Amanda was dead and Spock was making it increasingly frustrating to even approach, he was ready to label Spock as co-worker and maybe one day acquaintance in some Admiral's celebration. He really didn't know how Nyota did it, he was impressed against his will.

He shared a look with Spock as they were informed about what happened in London. Christ, Jim thought, and his second thought was, none of this makes sense. Jim frowned going over the screen. He knew war and this was his area of expertise. Looking around the photo he grew more confused. He spoke letting his mind roll over all those strategies of war. Then it clicked. It was a trap. He knew it and he jumped up.

"Clear the room!"

Jim found Spock and Chris together. He knew Christopher Pike was gone but he still checked for a pulse. Jim couldn't keep it all inside, not now, not after everything he lost. Adrenaline was pumping through his system, his head was pounding and Spock was beside him, but Chris, Chris the one person left alive who really, truly thought he was worth something was now gone. Jim sobbed and tired his best not to scream, his chest was tight, a lump was in his throat and a good man, a great man was dead.

Jim didn't know how to let go of another person. One more in the long line of people who died or left. He composed himself, though, he knew he couldn't break down yet, he was kolinahr. He wanted to, everything inside him was screaming but he took a deep breath and looked at Spock who for once looked as lost as he did. Absently, he leaned on Spock as he stood and walked away from what was most likely the only father figure he ever had or would have.

His emotions pushed down as best as he could, the next thought he had was, how did John Harrison get his transporter equation? No one in this galaxy should be able to beam out when they weren't on some kind of transporter pad. That took his technology and Scotty's equation.

Jim's agony and shock turned into fury during the night. He didn't sleep, didn't believe he'd never see Chris again, never have him teach him right from wrong or the finer points of morality, of being a captain. There was so much more he could have learned from Chris. So, very much more. And Rachel, how was Rachel going to do without her husband? Jim took in a deep breath and prepared himself for war.

He argued his case. He'd get Reklor involved if he had to. He'd go in as himself, as Sorren, he'd contact Kalan and Argan for those favours he was owed. "Star Fleet can't go in, but I can." He's get that son of a bitch and he'd gut him. Spock gave him a sharp look trying to remind him that John was in the uninhabited section of Kronos. Jim got it, he just didn't care. Neither did Marcus it seemed.

If Jim were not ready to kill, if he wasn't Sorren Hart in that moment. He would have instantly disliked Marcus and his readiness for war. But right then, all he saw a stepping stone that was welcoming him up and he took it, leaping.

When Carol came aboard Jim thought of Chris. Trust, he could do that. He wasn't going to open a single personal file on his people, he was going to do what Chris wanted him to, trust his crew and Star Fleet. Besides, he knew if there was a need, Spock would be on that. And Spock was his first officer, he could count on him to obey the fucking rules. Mostly, he let her on board because it pissed off Spock. Everything right then was black and white. Bones kept on reminding him about his health and vitals, but Jim would be damned if said, he knew all about it and it was the bond pulsing strongly making his temper sharpen.

Firing Scotty hurt him for a total of ten seconds and then he pushed the man out of his mind. He was concentrated, focused but Scotty's words in his mind kept echoing and then he made the mistake of looking back at Spock. At logical, fair and worried Spock. Shit. He needed to be better, he needed to be the good captain. Was this good? It was for Pike, for Moore, for all those that just died, forty-two of them. How many did they have to lose?

But Jim looked at Spock he and sighed.

The shuttle ride down to Kronos was awkward. Uhura and Spock were arguing and Jim felt like the little kid in the middle. "Are..are you really going to do this right now?" Jim listened but when Uhura said, "I'm not the only one upset with you, the captain is too." "No, no, no, don't drag me into this." Then he turned to Spock and couldn't help but say bluntly, without remorse, "She is right."

Jim listened as Spock explained how his emotional suppression was due to the fact that he felt so deeply. Jim understood that. He also listened to Spock's explanation of the day of Vulcan and his mind turned to Tevik, and if he would be as open to Jim as Spock was being to Nyota when they met again. Tevik had to have changed from the death of his people. Jim, oddly enough had a moment of loneliness before they were attacked.

Harrison was too good of a fighter. Jim could take maybe one or two Klingon's in a good fight. He was an expert fighter and had gone up against races stronger than him before. But Harrison, he took out dozens and three ships besides. When he came forward, Jim knew something was very wrong with all of this. He took out all of his frustration on Harrison's face. Not that it hurt him much.

He hated Harrison, something about him put Jim on edge. And he didn't need edge right then. He wanted to lash out, he wanted to hit something, beat something, kill Harrison. He couldn't help it, something was nagging him and he contacted Scotty, he opened up one of those torpedoes. He never regretted something more.

Carol Marcus not fucking Wallace. The same fucking day he promised not to go into people's files. Why did this shit always happen to him? At least Spock looked into it like he thought he would. Now they really needed to focus on the communication part of their relationship. And for relationships, he really did not need to hear Bones flirting, it always made him cringe in the academy and continued to do so. He shook his head and then tensed when he heard Bones shout. His heart raced.

Not Bones, not Bones, not Bones. The countdown on the torpedo was so fucking fast. It was going to explode and take his brother way from him. He jumped up and then almost collapsed with relief when he heard Carol curse. Bones voice echoed over the comm and Jim's heart refused to slow down. Fuck, he hated today.

And on top of it all, there were bodies in those fucking torpedoes.

It was Marcus, he wasn't very surprised, betrayed, but not surprised. John Harrison, became Khan Noonien Singh and once more the world went to shit. Jim didn't want to believe it. Star Fleet was supposed to be better. Star Fleet wasn't supposed to be MACCO, but he had been ready, he had marched into space already a MACCO pawn. He hated being someone's pawn.

A part of him agreed with Marcus and every time he did, he glanced at Spock. The majority was thinking about seventy-two other lives that he would have taken without knowing. He decided then he wasn't giving up shit.

And just like that Carol raced on board and they were in the first ever warp pursuit. Jim was once more floored, they developed advanced warp capabilities, he had worked on that exact thing on board the Crucible, hearing the screams of Micheal down the hall, just ten years ago. They were hit and he knew, with his heart racing and stomach dropping that he had finally lost his luck and his people were the ones now dying because of it. His people were going to die.

They flew off course. When Carol spoke to her father, it was the first time he was actually grateful he didn't have a relationship with his parents. He could never be disappointed by them again. Then, she disappeared and their fate was being sealed.

Jim jumped in, trying his best to save the people left. These were his people, these were his responsibilities. Chris flashed before his eyes and he knew exactly what he was trying to tell him. This was humility, this was wishing for one more second. He needed to save his people. Jesus, he couldn't be the death of all these lives. Please god, don't let him kill any more people. He was choosing Star Fleet, he was choosing peace, not a little, not with smiled number nineteen, he was truly, one hundred percent choosing these people and he did, in that moment, trust and love each and every one of them.

"Wait Sir, wait, wait, wait! Sir, my crew was just following my orders, I take full responsibility for my actions, but they were mine and they were mine alone. If I transmit Khan's location to you now all that I ask is that you spare them."

He took a deep breath and let it all go. He wasn't anyone in that moment, he was pretending or hiding, if his crew thought him weak, that was okay. He would beg for them. "Please Sir. I'll do anything you want. Just let them live."

It didn't matter. Nothing he said or did mattered at all. This was it.

Turning around was the hardest thing he had to do. Facing them, he said the only thing he could. "I'm sorry." He said, truly, truly sorry for all that he had done. He was so fucking sorry, he couldn't be Chris or Spock or someone worthy and great, someone able to save them.

Scotty! Jesus bloody hell, he loved that man! Just like that, his mind started to race with plans. Spock tried to stop him and Jim spoke without thinking, it was completely true. "You're right! What I'm about to do it doesn't make any sense, it isn't logical, it is a gut feeling." He spoke passionately, the day's tolls mounting on him. Spock stopped and he continued, "I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, I only know what I can do. The Enterprise needs someone in that chair that knows what he's doing. That's not me, that's you Spock." He knew then, that he was speaking the truth. Spock was a better captain. Jim was first and foremost a solider and he really didn't want to be. For now, it would have to do.

Talking to Khan was horrible but it was done and then they were flying through space, headed towards a way too small door and it was amazingly frightening. He was doing to die, crash head first into a huge ass space craft. Landing, having not believed he could make it, made his body shake, he spoke panting slightly, "It's good to see you Scotty."

They were on board and Jim set the phasers to stun. They ran onto the bridge firing. Scotty stunned Khan and Jim had Marcus in his chair. It was going okay until Khan woke up and then pounced and Jim was hurled to the floor. Genetically-altered and fucking insane, Khan crushed Marcus' skull with his bare hands. Jim's eyes widened at the sight and Carol screamed.

He tried telling Spock not to do it but he was hit and a hit from Khan was like getting hit by a fully enraged Vulcan. Jim couldn't help passing out.

He woke up towards the end of Khan's speech, about how he would target the oxygen systems. Why the fuck would Marcus wake these people up? He was kicked hard and he gasped as a few ribs broke. Then he heard Spock give back the seventy-two leverage chips. No, no, no, Spock please don't be noble right now. Khan was going to kill them all and he announced it too, just as he beamed them back aboard the Enterprise.

The ship was rocked with missiles and then he heard Spock's voice over the comms unit, wonderful, beautiful, fantastic Spock who said, "Enterprise prepare for imminent proximity denotation." "What's he talking about?" Scotty asked helping him carry Carol to med bay. "What denotation?" Jim could have laughed if he could get enough breath, as he replied, "The torpedoes. He armed the damn torpedoes."

Bones was a wonderful sight to see and Jim could help but be awed. "He killed Khan's crew." Bones replied quickly, "Spock's cold but he's not that cold. I've got Khan's crew. Seventy-two human popsicles. Safe and sound in their cryo-tubes."

Jim was utterly awed and impressed. He couldn't help but feel respect for the damned Vulcan. He spoke without meaning to.

"Son of a bitch."

Only then came the scary part. No power, the ship was rolling, trapped in Earth's gravity and headed toward a truly fatal crash. Jim and Scotty held on, they rolled and ran through twisting corridors. Shit, shit, shit.

"One bloody day! I'm never leaving this ship again, if this is the condition I get it back in! You got that!" Scotty said falling down.

They ran as fast as they could to the warp core and everything that Jim heard told him one thing. Someone needed to go inside and manually set the core right. It would also kill that person. Well, at least he'd die doing something truly good, something his father would surely approve of. Jim hit Scotty hard enough in the right place for him to fall unconscious, took a deep breath and went into the core of the Enterprise. He knew he was leaving Reklor behind, he was leaving his debts unpaid, Kalan and Argan would forever be shamed as well as their entire clans. He would never get to tell Spock about his memories of Amanda, or be the best man at Bones wedding. Jim kirk climbed in the tunnel and thought of Chris, he thought of Amanda and Moore and all those good people. Star Fleet people. He's be remembered as one of them and Jim desperately wanted that.

All the while he thought this, his bond tensed and frayed. Tevik's voice entered his mind for the first time in years. "Jim what you are attempting to do will kill you. I advise you now, to stop." He screamed at the pain and shook his head. "Not a good time, Tevik! Not a fucking good time!" Jim tried his best to ignore the stabbing pain in his head but he was also thankful, it overrode the pain his body was experiencing and he moved quicker, climbing higher.

Panting, he couldn't believe he made it to the top. His eyes were watering from the pain and he kicked the conduit back into place and then with pain blaring through his mind, he was thrown backwards. It was a few moments later when he woke up and he knew he needed to get out. Even if he knew there was no escape, he wanted to be as far away from the core as possible.

Jim didn't remember much about getting back, only that Tevik was close and Jim was surprised to find that Tevik didn't want him to die. He was concentrating on Jim, for once not being able to block him and that closeness after years of rejection made Jim hurt even more. He wished Sam were here, he wished he was someone different, worthy of this ship, of this life he tried to live. He wanted to be Star Fleet and he finally understood Chris completely. To be respective of this position, the people around him and the chair, he got it. He finally loved Star Fleet and everything that she truly meant to the galaxy, after a lifetime of hating her, not trusting, Jim finally opened himself up to it. And he'd never be able to tell Chris or anyone else what a huge milestone he just passed.

There was one upside, he thought, his thoughts now wandering and unfocused, he wouldn't have to go through another Pon Farr, and he wouldn't have lasted that one without Amanda guiding him out. "Tevik," he called out. "Tevik, you wouldn't have made it next year either." He was panting, he felt Tevik's sadness and his shame. It was first time Jim really felt it. It wasn't directed at Jim, Tevik wasn't ashamed of him or disgusted. Tevik only felt that way about himself. Jim could feel him, grown now, a man with a whole world of regrets that centred on his own weaknesses. Tevik and him had never been compatible, they had been tied together purely by the worse of situations. But Tevik had been there throughout everything in Jim's life, Tevik had witnessed it all, even distantly. And Jim didn't realize how much he loved the fact that someone had seen it all. "I'm so sorry, Jim. For everything." Jim groaned at the pain, both mental and physical. "Me too, Tev. Me too." It didn't matter then, all the years of pain, all the anger. It was ending and suddenly the door was ahead. Jim could see Scotty, his favourite person, Scotty.

Jim closed his eyes for a moment and he reached up to close the door. Opening his eyes, he saw Spock, it took him a moment to recognize him and not see Tevik. This was Spock, Amanda's Spock, his Spock. "How's our ship?" He asked, exhausted and panting. It was almost funny, seeing the emotions plainly on Spock's face. How different Spock was from Tevik, from all the Vulcans he had been so connected to.

He was strong, fierce, this mission really showed that to Jim. Last time, he showed a hint of it but Spock had truly gained his respect this time around. Jim was surprised at just how different Tevik and Spock were of each other. A full blood Vulcan and the Hybrid. Tevik seemed uncomfortable with his line of thought. I've known Spock for a year and I think better of him than you, that's surprising. Tevik tried to retreat but it was too late, they were one and Tevik was going to know what it felt like when a bondmate died. Perhaps it was the worst thing Jim could do to his old friend. A little bit of black karma, of Jim's long thought of revenge.

"Out of danger. You saved the crew." Spock looked awed himself, Jim blamed the radiation. He replied, "You used what he wanted against him." Jim wanted to spend the last of his moments telling Spock exactly how much he respected him. He hoped Spock knew because he wouldn't be here for much longer. Jim thought he'd fight harder, Adalyn was out there, Jenna was going to be pissed. But mostly Jim was glad that he could tell Spock anything, and he was finally excepting the simple fact that he'd be free, if eternally alone.

"That's a nice move." Jim said, his bond twisting more. He remembered being whipped as a boy and it felt like that only sharper, sharp enough for him to concentrate solely on the Vulcan in front him. Amanda's son, someone who deserved to live long and truly prosper. Spock spoke truthfully, openly, "It is what you would have done."

Jim could have smiled, that was for sure. He looked up at his first officer and said, "And this...this is what you would have done. It was only logical." Jim took a deep breath and really pictured death, he had escaped it so many times, he truly thought he'd live at least until his forties. But this was it, no escape, final and for once, Jim didn't question it.

This was death.

He was going to be alone in the dark, forever gone. He didn't hide his tears as he said, "I'm scared Spock." He always hated being alone. Jim spoke the words he never would have imagined saying, not to a Vulcan, not ever. "Help me not be." Suddenly, he was so glad that Spock was here, because while he was spending an eternity alone, he wasn't dying alone in a ditch like he had always thought he'd go.

Then Spock started to cry and Jim knew, knew in that moment he truly did trust this man. Vulcan, man, hybrid, his eyes were caramel brown and he always tried to steer Jim right and true. Jim wished he had one more day, one more day to just connect with Spock. They could have been great friends, just like Amanda had always said.

Jim felt that loss suddenly and asked, "How do you choose not to feel?" It felt as if his chest was ripping open, his skull splitting and the rest of his body was aching, slowly turning lifeless and dying. Spock shook his head, trying to describe it and not being able to do so. "I do not know. Right now I am failing."

Jim's vision was going black around the edges and he knew he had to speak now. Tell Spock he considered him a friend, a true, good friend and if he had time, he promised he'd never flinch in his company. "I want you to know why I couldn't let you die, why I went back for you."

Jim didn't need to explain, Spock was on the same thought. Spock finished for him, saying seriously, sorrowfully and quietly, "Because you are my friend."

Jim couldn't believe a Vulcan said that to him and Spock of all Vulcans. Vulcans, he knew, they didn't have friends, it wasn't part of their being. Jim could keep from coughing as he watched a tear fall down Spock's cheek and he did the only thing he could.

He reached out. Jim reached out to a Vulcan, to Spock, really wanting to feel the cool skin under his palms, to feel connected. He wanted to live, he wanted to be a Vulcans friend.

Spock reached out as well, his hand in the traditional ta'al. Jim's eyes focused on that simple gesture, one that meant so many things. A greeting, a goodbye, a gesture of peace and bonding. Friendship. Jim felt Tevik strain in his mind, closer than before. It was blinding, his chest was tightening, it was coming to an end.

Jim looked up at Spock, seeing the Vulcan's pain and he truly wished he had more time. Tevik was one with him and he could feel his pain, as if it were his own. Oddly enough, he was too focused in this single moment to feel anything about it. There was only one Vulcan Jim could concentrate on.

Looking at Spock, his vision dimmed until he took in a ragged breath and with his hand still trying to hold onto Spock, he let himself be carried away into the never ending darkness, alone, his mind once more, only his.

It was dark and in the darkness he heard Sam calling him. Clear as day, his brother, sixteen years old and healthy, strong, with eyes lit up, called out, "Jimmy! C'mon, we're going to be late!" Jim ran down the stairs, not an ounce of fear in him, he ran through the living room and into the foyer. The door slid open and there outside was Sam in that god damned red car. Sam grinned and said, "What do you say, we just keep driving?"

Jim grinned and started to run. He heard whispers that slowly got louder, he frowned and turned his head. The farm was beautiful, green as it only get's in mid-July. The sky was a bright, beautiful blue and the wind smelt like the wildflowers that grew across the street in the fields. "Hey, Sam, you hear that?"

Sam didn't look worried he called out, "C'mon slow poke, we gotta get moving." Sam started the car and music came on. Classical, the kind with slow dances and Deltan singing, said to be the most romantic. "You hate that music," Jim said as he opened the car door. Sam grinned and shrugged, "Yeah I do. But I know you go for this shit. So how about, you get the first half with music then we'll switch." Jim nodded, sounded fair, if Sammy had to put up with his tastes, Jim could take the beating music of those damned Caitians.

Just before he got in he heard his name being called. Soft yet clear it made him jump. There right behind him was Spock. "Jim." Jim felt fear crash down around him, the world went grey, except for that bright red car. It looked like safety in that moment. Sam called out, "Jimmy! Get in!" He hurried to move but glanced up at the wrong time.

Because he saw eyes that weren't black, they weren't hard or stoic or hiding. Caramel brown like someone he used to know, soft, open and...sad. Jim had never before seen such sad eyes, except in the mirror. "Jim. This is your choice. I will accept whatever one you make." And a Vulcan, a Vulcan held out his hand.

Jim swallowed and Sam reached out for him too. Sam, his brother, his safety was ready to leave with him, was ready to listen to Jim's music for hours possibly. They'd talk, reconnect, and Jim, Jim didn't really know Spock, did he. Spock was someone he barely even got to know. The Vulcan didn't move, barely breathed, as if to do so might make Jim bolt.

He didn't know what he was choosing. He only knew he was here, at his home, with his brother getting ready to leave it all behind. He wasn't scared, but Spock scared him, Spock with his hand outstretched and his sad eyes. He reached out without thinking what it would mean and he said, "I really don't want you looking like that."

Spock tilted his head, his fingers curling and clutching Jim's, he replied, "Like what?" Jim looked up, feeling small in his thirteen year old body, "Alone. No one should be alone. Do you want to join?" Again, Spock looked confused. Jim looked back to call to Sam, wondering if he'd mind a third party. But Sam was gone, so was the farm, it was pure black. He was in nothing, he was nothing. Fear spiked up and he clutched to Spock.

"No, no, no, no. Don't let me go. Don't let me go." There was nothing, nothing but Spock in front of him and Spock held him, saying, "Calm yourself Jim. You are safe. I will not let go." Jim clung on, shutting his eyes tightly, not wanting to see the blackness surrounding them, instead he focused on feeling strong arms around him, protecting him from the dark.

Jim bolted up from the nightmare, he took a deep breath and blinked, trying to orientate himself. He thought it was a nightmare until he saw Bones, the room. He was in a hospital and it all rushed back. His expression must have given his shock away because Bones spoke, reaching over to monitor him, "Oh don't be so melodramatic, you were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took it's toll. You were out cold for two weeks."

Jim was confused, "Transfusion?" He had no idea what was going on. Hadn't he died? What happened?

"Your cells were heavily radiated, we had no choice." Then Jim got it, and more questions popped up. "Khan." Khan's blood must have healed him. Bones banter was truly needed and Jim would have smiled if he had energy. Then he saw Spock and he finally felt like this wasn't a dream.

"You saved my life." Jim told him, still feeling him in his mind. Bones piped up, "Uhura and I had something to do with it, you know." Jim ignored him and so too did Spock. "You saved my life Captain and the lives of-"

"Stop." Jim cut him off softly. It wasn't what he meant. He took a moment and said everything that mattered, "Thank you." Spock understood and he merely replied, "You are welcome, Jim."

Jim knew then, that they had finally found common ground.

They were going to make a fucking great team.