This is a crossover fanfic of Naruto/Hellsing Abridged. The synopsis is that Alucard is Kushina's father, Kyubi is her mother who is named Kyushana, and you pretty much can tell who the grandson is. Main pairing is NaruHina. Why? Cause I like that pairing. There might be a chance of an Naru/Harem and if there is one, it would probably be a short one, possibly three members, which consists of Naruto, Hinata, and the third one. So anyways...

The following is a fan base parody. Hellsing ultimate (even though it's just Alucard) is own by whoever owns it while Naruto is own by whoever owns it and licensed by a shit ton of people. Please support the unofficial release, you cheeky dick waffle temes!

It was a dark night in the clearing. It was quiet, serine, and absolutely peaceful. There was not a being in sight. The wind is whistling, the river is streaming, and there's a giant nine tail fox destroying Konoha with the power of a thousand menstrual cycles. Yup, absolutely peaceful.

"PUSH IT FURTHER!" ordered Minato, watching as a wave of shinobi used a variety of jutsus to keep the fox from advancing.

"Minato!" yelled a voice. The blonde kage turned and saw Sarutobi and Jiraiya appearing next to him. It was Sarutobi who spoke, "You need to hurry! Kushina just gave birth but she doesn't look like she can make it."

"Damn," cursed Minato, "if only Tsunade were here. And my child?"

"Healthy," answered Jiraiya. "Are you sure you want to do this? I would gladly take your place for the Justu."

"No sensei, I have to do this. It is my job as the Hokage. I just hope that this will work."

"We should hurry up," said Sarutobi. "Something tells me this won't go as planned."

Damn straight this won't go as planned! Why? Well, if you count a tall, pale man walking toward the near destroyed village who was wearing a red victorian outfit with vintage sunglasses while having a shit eating grin that says he is going to fuck things up, well...

...you would thought of that too. Especially if that man is the CRIMSON FUCKER himself!

"What a beautiful night," mused Alucard. He just went on one of his enthusiastic walks (leaving behind bodies of homicidal freaks and those who knows Micheal McDoesntexist) when he saw a giant fox destroying a village. "Shit...I'm missing the festivities!" Using his powers, which he got from absorbing Schroediger, long story, Alucard immediately appeared in a hospital room, where he saw Minato, Kushina, Jiraiya, Sarutobi, and the Kyubi, who was attempting to slash them.

Except Kushina and the baby she was holding, which shall be explained...now!

"Sup," greeted Alucard. Everything stopped as the group and even the Kyuubi turned to see the newcomer.

"Who are you?" asked Minato, kunai in hand in case the mysterious man was in league with Kyubi.

"Oh nothing, just passing by, here to see my wife and daughter." answered Alucard.

"Aaaaand, that would be...?"

"Honey!"

"Dad!"

The voices that were made shocked the group. Why? Because Kyubi was the one who said honey and Kushina was the one who said dad. A giant cloud surrounded Kyuubi and when it died down, the result had Jiraiya flying through the roof with a massive nose bleed. Replacing the fox was a woman who had long red hair that flows to her hips and very sizable cleavage that is TWICE the size of Tsunade's. She had on a red kimono that hugs her body. She had fox ears and nine tails swaying behind her. The woman glomped on Alucard and gave him a kiss. "Alucard! I missed you!" Said fox eeped when the vampire groped her ass.

"Same to you," he replied. Kushina then jumped out of her bed, shocking Minato and Sarutobi since they could've sworned she was sickly just moments ago.

"Hello, daddy," said Kushina, hugging her vampire father, causing her husband and predecessor to hung their jaws.

"Hello my little devil spawn. Where's your little devil spawn? Grandpa Alucard brought gifts," said Alucard. Kushina smiled as she held her newborn son. Alucard took a good look and laughed. "I could already tell he is going to be the next fuck mothering vampire."

"Hold on a freak in minute!" shouted Minato. "What the hell is going on?!"

"Welllllll.." cheekily said Kushina.

"On second thought, let's settle this as civilized people."

"KILL THE DEMON SPAWNS!"

Well, that escalated quickly.

Minato summoned a council meeting with the clan heads and civilians heads, as well as the elders. When they all enter the council room, first thing they notice was Kyubi and Alucard. This got some confusion about the two until Minato told who they were, and also Kushina's and Naruto's heritage. Needless to say, this got an upstart.

"So you're telling us," said Shikaku, "that your wife, Uzumaki Kushina, is the daughter of the Kyuubi no Yoko, the nine tail fox, who happens to be a woman, and this man, Alucard, the self proclaimed Crimson Fucker, and a vampire, which makes her half demon fox and half vampire. This includes to your son as well."

"Pretty much," said Minato.

"Then we should have them executed! Monsters like them don't belong with humans!" yelled a pompous fat councilman.

"I'm sorry, but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire! I killed a lot of people to get that title and I preferred to be called as such," corrected Alucard. The council sweat dropped at his statement.

"Well, can you tell us how Kushina was born, given the fact that you two are, well, old?" asked Inoichi.

"Well, all I did was banging the fox's sweet ass until Kushina was conceived," flatly said Alucard.

"Dad!" yelled Kushina who blushed from embarrassment while Kyuubi blushed remembering how Alucard bedded her.

"No, I think what Inoichi means is how Kushina doesn't appeared as a fox, or how we never seen you two, and how Kyuubi was sealed in her own daughter," spoke Hiashi.

"Right, enough focusing about the past, instead lets focus on the past." Aucard turned to the entire crowd as some kind of music played in the background. "After the war where I came from, and also absorbing the boy/girl thing which allows me to will ANYTHING I want and ditching my bitch of a boss, I traveled to Japan to buy every single porn they got, where I met the sweetest ass and tits my eyes layed upon. Without thinking over my actions, like every decision I made, I slapped that ass and ask the woman to fuck me. Next thing I knew, her eight siblings ripped me apart." The council paled when they realize that the woman was Kyuubi and her eight siblings were the other tail beasts. "Shocking thing is that she said yes. We had a healthy relationship for a decade until Kushina was born. It would have been an awesome family if it wasn't for the fact that Kushana, who is actually Kyuubi's real name, pulled some kind of Deus Machina and travelled back in time and gotten herself sealed inside Mito, who later sealed her into Kushina, ironically. We secretly raised her into the woman she is today." he explained, wiping a fake tear from his face.

"O-kay, but why doesn't she look like a fox?" asked Tsume.

"Oh, I forgot I have my henge on. Release!" said Kushina, and next thing anybody knew, Kushina now has fox ears and nine tails. Of course, this cause an uproar with the civilians until Minato raised his KI, shutting them up.

"Kushi-hime," said Minato, "why didn't you tell me?"

"Minato-kun, I was made fun of because of my hair. Imagine if I were to go through that again, but in this form." explained Kushina.

"Oh."

"So in short, we have one unstoppable family," said Alucard.

"So it's settled," said Danzo who stood up. "We should have them trained as weapons and-"

"BwaHahahahaha!" Laughed Alucard. "I'm sorry, did you just said weapons?"

"Yes," answered Danzo. "You three will submit to us and-"

"Yeah, hell no that's happe-"

"You will obey and-!"

"INTERRUPT ME AGAIN, YOU ONE EYE LONER, AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!" threaten Alucard. Danzo, even though he didn't want to, knew not to prevent the vampire, so he shutted up. "Now then, it's cleared what I am going to do."

"You do?" asked Sarutobi.

"Yup. LOOK OUT YOU FUCKERS CAUSE THE CRIMSON FUCKER'S HERE TO STAY!" shouted Alucard as he gave a laugh, scaring most of the coucil room.

"Like I ever work with a peasant like him," glared Fugaku.

"BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!"

And thus, this fic is born. This is just a crackfic, so some parts may not follow in cannon. Also, for some strange reason, I can't submit this in the crossover section because everytime I do, it keeps saying error, so until then, this stays in the Naruto section. Anyways, enjoy!