This fic is a oneshot written for the Naruto Crack Pairing Challenge. For other crack pairing oneshots, see my 'Improbability' series.

Rules of the Challenge:
1.) Pairs will be entirely random. Number a list of characters and pick numbers out of a hat or use an online number generator.
2.) Pairs can be m/m, m/f, or f/f. (This being Naruto, f/f is underrepresented compared to m/m due to the 2:1 male/female ratio. Sorry.)
3.) Pedophilia is squick. Either do your random selection within age groups, or work in some fancy time-travel or AU so everyone is roughly the same physical and mental age.
4.) Genre is free-ranging. If humor floats your boat, go for it. If tragedy is more your thing, that's cool too.
5.) No non-con or rape. Consent is necessary if your characters are having sex.
6.) Have fun.

This challenge was something my friends and I came up with. If you want to write a oneshot for the challenge, or give a suggestion for the next oneshot I write, that would be awesome. (With the stipulation that the suggestion must be a CRACK pairing. NaruHina is not a crack pairing. Hinata x Suigetsu, on the other hand, is. And it's on my list, so I'll be writing it.)

A/N: Since I accidentally ended up with a pairing some people consider canon, this will be pretty short and sweet. For another, more serious crackfic, check out:

Red Spider Lilies (Ino x Kimimaro) Improbability Series Part 1

The next oneshot will be either Kakashi x Itachi or Lee x Karin. My nanowrimo account is linked in my profile. Check there for more information about future pairings and stats about my progress.

Eternal Rivals
Konohamaru x Hanabi
Difficulty Level: Easy
Ship name: Autumnshipping

Konohamaru Sarutobi had a problem.

It all started one inconspicuous day in November when Iruka-sensei was having the oldest students in the Academy spar together.

Normally, this would have been a bonus. Konohamaru hated days where all they did was talk about people who died a long time ago, or practiced calculating the trajectory of a kunai if thrown at a certain angle, or study modern international politics. Worst of all were the days when they did all three at once. Udon liked it, but he was weird, even if they were friends. Konohamaru loved the days when they were allowed to go outside to practice using ninjutsu or spar with one another, or even just run around the practice fields for stamina training. Anything to get out of that stuffy classroom.

It was a beautiful day, too. The sun was shining brightly, and the sky was so blue it looked like it had been painted. The air was just the tiniest bit cool- Konoha tended to be warm even in the winter. His classmates were all excited to be allowed out, and Konohamaru was no exception.

Garou and Tarou, the Inuzuka twins, rushed out to the courtyard first, but he was hot on their heels. Moegi and Udon trotted after him. After them came a gaggle of girls- Aiko and Hitomi and Kyoko. Behind them, Tanishi and Ren.

Then stalking out last of all, the Stone-Cold Empress of Academy Class 318: Hanabi Hyuga.

She was small, but everyone knew better than to mention that to her face. She was the best hand-to-hand fighter in the whole class, and she never smiled. Some of the younger kids used to whisper that if you looked her in the eyes, you'd turn to stone. Konohamaru had giggled himself senseless when he'd heard that. Then he'd proceeded to spread the rumor around to all the other classes. Poor little Kana Akimichi had really believed it. She still was afraid to be in the same room as Hanabi.

Moegi had scolded him afterwards, but it had been worth it.

Hanabi shoved past him into the courtyard.

Konohamaru shot her a confused glare. It wasn't like she knew who had been spreading the rumors about her. Honestly, he didn't think she would care if she did know. She seemed like she'd like that sort of respect.

He shrugged it off, though, and went to stand in line in front of Iruka-sensei.

"Is everyone here? Hurry up, Kikumaru-kun," the teacher said distractedly. "We've been prepping extensively for your final exams, so it's time we got some extra field practice in. We'll be doing one-on-one spars arranged by experience level."

There were a few cheers and a few groans.

"Come now," Iruka said, a dangerous glint in his eye. "You're all training to be shinobi. That means you'll have to fight someday, whether you like it or not. It's better to get practice now, when your life isn't on the line. Do you understand?"

A few students looked a little guilty.

"That's not the right attitude. Come on, can we get some volunteers?"

Konohamaru raised his hand eagerly. He'd been itching to move around all day. He hadn't pranked anyone in a whole week, and if he didn't do something, he'd explode. "Me! I will, Sensei! Please!"

Iruka winced. "Fine, then. Does anyone care to join Konohamaru-kun in the spar?"

Moegi and Udon fidgeted uncomfortably. Konohamaru didn't blame them for not offering to spar with him themselves. No matter how you looked at it, taijutsu just wasn't their strong suit the way it was for him. Moegi was the best in their class at weapons, and Udon did perfectly on every quiz- but you couldn't expect everyone to have the same talents.

"I will." Hanabi Hyuga raised her hand.

Konohamaru swallowed. Crap.

"Excellent!" Iruka seemed pleased. "This will be a good exhibition bout, so everyone pay close attention to Konohamaru and Hanabi."

This wasn't going to be as fun as he thought it might be.

Hanabi Hyuga was good in classes, talented with weapons, and quick to learn ninjutsu. But she was an absolute demon in hand-to-hand combat. She'd made Garou Inuzuka cry all three times she'd fought him, and Garou had broken an arm falling from a tree and never even shed a tear.

(When they'd asked why he was so afraid of her, all Garou would say was, 'She reminds me of mom.' Tarou had nodded emphatically.)

Konohamaru glanced at her, but her face was as inscrutable as ever. Her long black hair fell around her shoulders. He'd tried to grab it and pull it in a fight once. She'd flipped him and dislocated his shoulder. Her eyes were white and lacked pupils. When she'd first entered the Academy, about a year after the rest of them, some of the boys had made fun of her, calling her "Blind-as-a-Bat" and "Hyuga No-Eyes". Then she'd deflected all of the rocks they'd thrown at her without even looking up. After that, they changed her nickname to "Demon-Eyes Hyuga".

"Ready?" asked Iruka-sensei.

Konohamaru crouched, flipping his scarf over his shoulder.

Hanabi lowered her stance and raised her hands.

"Begin!"

To Konohamaru's credit, he lasted all of five minutes before Hanabi took him down.

She fought viciously; even harder than usual, it seemed. She hadn't used her Byakugan- Iruka-sensei had said bloodlines were against the rules in standard Academy spars. But she was allowed to use Jyuken, as long as she didn't permanently injure her opponent. Her strikes had been lightning fast. Konohamaru was going to have bruises for weeks afterwards.

He'd managed to deflect most of her strikes. That alone took most of his concentration. She really was like a demon, he realized. She didn't even think about defending. Just attacking, attacking; seeking out the weaknesses in your stance and in your fighting style and going in for the kill with deadly force.

He'd only made three clean hits by the time she flipped him and slammed him into the ground.

"Stop!" Iruka-sensei called. "Victory to Hanabi."

Konohamaru winced as he pushed himself up. He'd guessed he might not win, but that had been even more humiliating than he'd thought it might be. Udon and Moegi would be unbearably sympathetic, and it would be so frustrating. The others would titter about it, even if they were secretly glad they hadn't been in his place.

"Shake," Iruka directed.

Konohamaru held out two fingers.

Hanabi glanced at his outstretched hand, then gave him a strange look. Did she really hate him that much, that she didn't want to shake his hand? What was her problem? He'd never even pranked her. Never successfully, at least.

At last, though, she offered her two fingers in return and they made the sign of friendship.

"That was an excellent match, both of you. Can someone break it down for the rest of the class? What gave Hanabi the advantage in this fight?"

Even hearing Iruka-sensei's praise didn't help soothe his injured pride. Konohamaru tugged his fingers out of Hanabi's grip and folded his arms.

"Well," Udon began. "Hanabi kept attacking, which put Konohamaru on the defensive. He couldn't revert the flow of the battle, so…"

Traitor, Konohamaru thought sullenly.

But even as Iruka wrapped up the discussion of the spar and they moved on to the next pair, Konohamaru remained uncomfortably aware of the fact that Hanabi's eyes never left him.

"Why does she hate me so much?" Konohamaru demanded, running his fingers through his hair. "What did I ever do to her?"

"Besides putting glitter on her chair, hiding a frog in her desk, and trying to braid her hair together with Hitomi's?" Udon asked.

"Oh, come on. None of that even worked. She just put the frog out the window and switched chairs. And nearly broke my wrist when I tried to do her hair. She couldn't possibly still have a grudge over something as small as that."

"I don't think she hates you," Moegi said thoughtfully. "I didn't get that impression from her."

"Easy for you to say," he muttered mutinously. "You weren't on the receiving end of her Jyuken. I'm telling you, she hits me way harder than she does anyone else."

"Are you sure that's not just because you're the next best at taijutsu in the class? I'm sure you're harder to defeat."

"She doesn't have to try hard to beat me," Konohamaru snorted. "She crushes me every time. I can't wait until we're both genin. Then we'll be able to use ninjutsu in every spar, and I'll finally beat her."

"Then she'll be able to use her Byakugan," Udon noted. "Jyuken is notoriously difficult to learn without a Byakugan. Chances are, she'll be much stronger when she's able to reliably use her bloodline. She's said to be as talented as her cousin Neji, the prodigy of the Hyuga."

"Please don't debunk my fantasies," he moaned. "I'm miserable. I need something to cheer me up."

Moegi rolled her eyes. "Get over yourself, Konohamaru. You clearly just need to go and ask her what's wrong. If it's something you've done, just apologize. It's as simple as that."

Konohamaru was horrified. "I can't apologize to her! Not after she beat me in front of everyone!"

"It's hardly the first time that's happened. Besides, she beats everyone. Why should you be any different?"

"I don't know! But I swear she does it on purpose."

Moegi sighed. "Why do you always have to be so melodramatic, Konohamaru-kun?"

"Oh, like you're any better."

"At least I-"

"Konohamaru! Moegi! Quit talking in class!" It looked as though it wasn't the first time Iruka had called their names. His chalk was snapped in his hands, and he looked just about ready to chuck it at them if they didn't start paying attention to the lesson.

Konohamaru glanced at Hanabi. Sure enough, she was looking his way. Her expression was as inscrutable as ever, but he imagined he saw her giving him the stink-eye. What was her problem, anyway?

Konohamaru had decided to ignore Hanabi. That made him the better person, right? There was no way Iruka-sensei was going to blame this on him. He definitely hadn't started it, and he definitely was not going to get in trouble for starting some sort of feud with Demon-Eyes Hyuga if he didn't remember doing anything to bother her.

Unfortunately, it seemed like Hanabi wasn't willing to let it go.

The next day during kunai practice, she tried to kill him.

He only just managed to dodge to the side as several of her kunai whizzed past his ear, thudding solidly into mannequin at the throat and eyes.

"Did you see that?" he demanded of Moegi.

She winced. "Yep."

"I'm telling you, she wants me dead!"

"Are you sure there isn't some other reason she could be-"

"Throwing kunai at my head?"

"Maybe she just wants to get your attention for some reason."

"Oh, yeah, like she wants to be my-" Konohamaru stopped mid-sentence as a new thought occurred to him.

Seeing things in a new light. If, just maybe, Moegi wasn't entirely on the wrong track. If maybe Hanabi wasn't angry with him. If she was just trying to get his attention, then… He might have to rethink some of his assumptions.

"You know," he said in serious tones. "You might be right."

"Does that mean you're going to go talk to her?" Moegi asked hopefully.

Konohamaru nodded. "I think I'm going to have to."

He took a deep breath.

"Um. Hanabi. Can we talk?"

The Hyuga froze. Her hair fell in front of her face, hiding one of her white eyes from view.

Then, hesitantly, she nodded.

"So," he said, uncertain how to phrase it but knowing he had to forge ahead. "I feel like you've been acting, um, a little differently around me."

"Oh," she said. Her voice was unexpectedly sweet. When he imagined having this conversation, she'd always seemed like a roaring, fire-breathing demon. Instead, she spoke quietly. "When did you notice?"

"During the spar on Tuesday," he said, gratified to know he hadn't been imagining the whole thing. "You were fighting me harder than you fight anyone else."

"You're a challenging opponent," she said, looking down at her hands. "It was a rewarding match."

For you, maybe.

"And then again, yesterday. During shuriken practice."

Hanabi started and Konohamaru realized he'd struck a nerve.

"Do you have something to say?" she asked instead. She kept her tone carefully even, but her fidgeting hands betrayed her.

"I think I know why you're paying so much attention to me."

Hanabi looked up and met his eyes. "You do?"

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his head, feeling a little awkward. "And I wanted to apologize."

"Why?" she asked warily. Her eyes were piercing.

"Because I can't- I mean- I'm sorry, but I already have someone-"

Hanabi flushed deep red.

"Oh," she said, sounding suddenly very formal. Her voice wavered a little. "I see. I'm sorry for taking your time. I won't bother you again."

She turned to go. Konohamaru caught her by the sleeve. "Wait! Please, I mean."

"I don't know whether we have anything further to say to each other," she said quietly. She didn't meet his gaze. "Please, let me go."

"Hanabi, I'm sorry I can't be your rival," he blurted out. "But can't we please be friends?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Excuse me," Hanabi said. "Could you repeat that?"

"Um, I'm sorry I can't be your rival, but I'd like to still be your friend?" Konohamaru said tentatively. "I mean, I think you're really cool, and you'd be a great rival, only I already promised Naruto-nii-san that he'd be my rival until one of us became the Hokage."

"You think I was fighting you and throwing shuriken at you because I wanted to be your rival?" Hanabi asked. Her voice was much more confident now, and she wasn't flushed anymore.

Konohamaru frowned. "You mean that wasn't it?"

She folded her arms. "Of course not."

"Then what-?"

"I like you, you idiot."

Konohamaru stared at her. "Oh," he said at last. "Okay."

"And?"

"Could I maybe get back to you on that?" he said, feeling like his mouth was moving too quickly for his thoughts to process. "Like, tomorrow maybe? And also I'm sorry for misunderstanding. Um. But yeah. Can we talk tomorrow? Please?"

Hanabi shrugged. "I suppose that would be acceptable."

Before he could say another word, she gathered up her bento and her notebooks, turned on her heel, and headed back into the classroom as the lunch bell rang.

"She likes me," Konohamaru moaned into his hands. "What do I do?"

Moegi rolled her eyes. "I swear, you're such a drama queen sometimes. What kind of future Hokage throws a fit over something as small as a confession?"

"Moegi."

"Fine," she conceded. "But it's simple enough. If you don't like her, reject her. If you do like her, ask her out on a date."

"But I don't know if I like her or not."

"Well, that's obvious." Moegi sniffed. "How do you feel about her, then?"

"I don't know. She's really strong. Her taijutsu is really cool." Konohamaru flushed, then admitted, "Her eyes are pretty."

"And her personality?"

"Well, I used to think she was straightforward, but that was before she confessed to me by beating me into the ground."

"And?"

"And I don't know her very well."

"Then it's simple. Ask her out on a date. If it works out, follow up on it. If not, be nice about it and reject her."

"Are you sure?"

Moegi smiled. "Please. Who do you think you're talking to? I know everything."

"Of course," he muttered. "Well, then. Teach me your ways, great sage of romance."

"I rather like that title," she admitted. "Now, are you going to get her flowers or not?"

And so it was that the next day, Konohamaru Sarutobi was the talk of the whole Academy when he asked Hanabi Hyuga on a date in front of the whole class. Even more so when, against all odds, Demon-Eyes Hanabi Hyuga had accepted. With a smile.

"So," he said, brandishing a bundle of roses towards her. It looked more like he was fending her off than that he was trying to give them to her, but it was the thought that counted. "I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me."

The whole classroom fell abruptly silent.

Hanabi accepted the flowers. Then, looking up at him, she grinned. "I would love to."

Whispers broke out among the students.

Moegi hushed them, smiling proudly.

Finally, she thought. If he didn't figure it out after all this time, I'd have had to do something drastic.

From across the classroom, Hanabi glanced at her with a grateful nod.

Moegi winked.