-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-Chapter 53: Kintsugi -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
"You should hate me-" again the words repeated, again and again as the raven's eyes shut in what almost seemed to be pain.
"What?" Confused the blond blinked, a soft smile tugging on his face out of sheer perplexion as he tried to understand why the flea was acting like this now.
"Why would I hate you? I love you-" he tried but only a hiccup escaped the raven´s throat as he shook his head violently.
"I'm not going to be good for you, hell I'm not good for anyone here," he blurted out, his hands reaching up to his face as he backed a step away from the blond.
Frowning deeply the blond tried to understand what Izaya was talking about.
"Izaya, can you please stop making yourself down like this?" he tried softly, approached the flea with a hesitant step but only whimpers reached his ears in response.
"I caused so many misunderstandings, so much pain, so much despair, I hurt people Shizu-chan," the words kept bubbling from his lips like water, "I hurt you, I hurt Simon, I-"
"Stop."
It was just a simple word and the gesture of a hand forcing the raven´s wrists away from his teary eyes.
"Stop, okay?" Shizuo said again, softly. His eyes were gentle, maybe a bit sad, but just so deeply filled with understanding.
How?
The raven didn't get it.
"How are you not mad at me?" he questioned, his voice cracking halfway as his throat had gone raspy from crying.
"Because this is something I can understand at least," the blond sighed before pulling the flea into a tight hug. A hand was placed on the back of Izaya's head and the blond softly stroked the raven as if he were petting a scared cat.
"Of all the things I don't understand, of everything you told me that I just couldn't get in my head, regret is definitely something I'm more of an expert in than you," he mouthed slowly and the raven's eyes widened for a second realizing the truth of his words.
"Everyone fucks up once in a while," the blond started- "Hell I have fucked up enough for a whole lifetime already," Shizuo sighed, burying his nose in the raven hair. "But you know, what matters is not what you did in the past, but what you are going to learn from it, and what you are going to do in the future," Shizuo finished softly. Hoping that this time he had found the right words to calm the flea down.
he knew he might not be able to cheer izaya up right away, after all it had taken an eternity until these words finally stuck in his own head- and even today he doubted them every now and then.
Usually right after destroying something again out of sheer anger.
but izaya was a person that relied on logic so-
"... The police would see that different though, having done a crime once they probably won't be interested in your good intentions from now-" the raven suddenly mumbled softly and the blond leant back for a moment thinking the raven was being serious.
but then he saw it.
A soft, really soft hint of a smile. Or at least something that was not agonizing pain and demise.
"Oh come on-" he chuckled softly, the sight of Izaya actually joking relieving him more than it should.
"Just joking," Izaya mumbled softly, "I know what you meant." All life long he had wondered whether the blond felt guilty and why the heck he would, after all Izaya paid all his debts and covered up when he messed up- of course Shizu-chan had no idea, but it had always been on Izaya's mind.
Now he understood.
"Calmed down?" Shizuo questioned softly, but he already knew the answer.
"A bit yeah," Izaya replied,- but the bitter taste on his tongue still stayed.
He had made the blond worry again, had again caused him to feel the need to make him feel better-
"Sorry," Izaya started, but Shizuo didn't even let him finish what he was about to say.
"Seriously, stop apologizing," he interrupted, "I almost liked you better when you were just shit talking me after I found you," he joked, reminding the raven of a time not too long ago and yet so far.
"Can't do that anymore," he replied softly, "Because now I care about your feelings, I don't want to upset you again." For a moment the blond hesitated- it wasn't like he didn't understand the flea.
If it were him- in Izaya's position, he would probably worry about the very same thing.
"... stop worrying about that, I can take a lot you know?" he tried to assure the flea, but a soft snort was all that followed.
"Oh yeah, I saw that," the raven sighed, "Trucks maybe and physical force, but this?" Shizuo knew what he was referring to- that one night where he left the flea inside the bedroom. izaya had asked for him to kill him, had asked him to make him feel better, give him relief and Shizuo had been more than just overwhelmed by the sheer feeling of being helpless. And yet-
"I learnt, I can deal with it now." or at least he was trying.
"You mean you can deal with me," Izaya corrected, this time causing Shizuo to smile for a moment.
"Pretty amazing considering you are the most wanted information broker in Japan huh?" he questioned receiving only more surprise in return.
"Oh, in whole Japan? When did my reputation rise like that?"
"I honestly doubt there is anyone better at that job than you."
Heh.
Izaya didn't really know what to do with this sudden swamp of compliments.
"Watch out, you are going to slip if you suck up to me anymore like that," the raven tried, but oh the blond was all too used to this kind of replies by now.
"It's not sucking up if I say my true thoughts."
Damn, he had gotten good.
And yet izaya knew he wasn't just saying these things for some kind of ulterior motive.
Shizu-chan was saying them because he seriously meant them.
"Thank you," Izaya mumbled softly, so much more serious than their playful banter.
"For the praise?" Shizuo questioned, not quite getting what the raven was talking about as he shook his head softly.
"For being there," he whispered, "For always having been there." No matter where. Back in the alley and now-"
"Stop," the blond interrupted, not liking the direction this was going into, "don't think about that anymore." He tightened his hug softly, "You are still here, that's all that counts."
After all this time of wishing for the raven to drop dead, of hating him to the core ever since Izaya could remember he would have never thought someone could actually care for him to this extent and be relieved over something so simple as him being alive and breathing.
It felt nice, comforting to know he wasn't entirely alone anymore.
A soft cough made the blond look down at the flea who was cringing softly.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," the raven sighed, already feeling a familiar raspy feeling assaulting his throat. "Just hurts a bit to swallow." It had been cold outside, and rain had started to fall.
"Damn. I guess the rain is at fault," the blond sighed, ruffling through the raven´s still moist hair tips. They were cold to the touch and brushing along the raven´s neck making the man shudder softly.
"Urgh and why the hell aren´t you getting sick? You ran through the rain way longer than me," the raven complained with a soft whine and let his forehead thud against the blond´s shoulder.
"... uh .. I don't think I ever caught a cold-" the blond started slowly. thinking back he at least couldn't remember ever having had to stay home because of fever or anything similar like the others.
Doubt reflected in the raven´s eyes as he gazed up at the blond.
"You are kidding me, never?" the raven questioned, making the blond shrug.
"I can't remember at least." A deep groan followed and the raven buried his head inside the blond´s shoulder.
"God that's seriously unfair, what kind of monster body do you have?"
Never getting sick, that was a skill the raven would love to have. Would probably be interesting for doctors all over japan as well.
…
… right.
Thinking about doctors, Izaya knew a certain doctor that would be more than willing to analyze a blood sample of this monster here to discover secrets like these.
…
Guilt was befalling the raven, slowly but surely creeping up his spine.
"... maybe I should go to Shinra for a check up." the words were heavy and tasted like bile on the raven´s tongue, but he knew he was doing the right thing.
"... you know I-" Shizuo started, but the raven already knew what he wanted to say.
"I know." Shizu-chan probably thought Izaya had forgotten about the fact that Shinra knew about his problem- about what he had wanted to do. But that wasn't the case.. The opposite. "Maybe because of that…?" he started slowly.
"You want to talk to him?"
The raven hesitated.
"I don't know… maybe. Yes.. no- " a sigh followed. Wanting was a hard word. He didn't want to face the doctor, didn't want to know just how he reacted, just what he was going to say. Hell, Izaya had no idea what Shinra was going to do- was he going to be mad? Was he going to be sad?
A dark thought crept into his mind reminding him of the opposite possible outcome.
Maybe he didn't give a fuck.
The thought alone already hurt a ton, and the possibility of facing the doctor and confirming exactly that weighed heavily on the raven´s mind.
The blond wasn't stupid, he noticed the raven was fighting with himself over his decision- even though he didn't know what exactly it was that bothered the raven so much. To be honest he had never quite understood why the raven was so afraid to face the doctor, or anyone to begin with. his sisters, Simon, Kadota, maybe even that secretary of his, even someone like Izaya had friends- so it really was a riddle to Shizuo why he had never turned to any of them.
The thought of the flea preferring to suffer alone was still killing the blond inside out.
So now hearing that he wanted to talk to Shinra was more than he could ever wish for.
"... do you want to go now?" he questioned slowly, as if he were walking on eggshells, out of fear that the raven might change his mind after all.
But to his joy he nodded.
"I'm only going to wreck my head over this the whole night anyway," Izaya shrugged, making it seem as though it wasn't that big of a deal, but Shizuo knew just how much he feared this situation.
Taking the raven´s hand he grasped it softly.
"I'm here."
He really was.
Izaya knew that.
And he would always be.
And he still was when the door to Shinra´s apartment opened.
"Izaya-" surprise reflected in the doctor's glasses and the raven spotted dark bags underneath his friend's eyes. He looked as though he had been crying.
It made his throat clench up even more- but this time it wasn't the upcoming sickness, but the guilt that tied the knot.
"He is getting sick, could you check him up?" Shizuo quickly spoke up, trying to disperse the building tension.
A moment of silence followed as the brunette was left to do nothing but stare at the raven.
A soft "Sure-" followed a few seconds later that seemed as though they were lasting an eternity. The blond took a step forward, following the doctor and the raven that were now heading for the room located on the other end of the doctor´s living room, but was softly interrupted by a hand pushing at his chest.
Izaya was casting a glance at him, a glance that spoke so much. Shizuo knew what he was trying to convey and paused in his steps as the two disappeared inside the room.
Izaya wanted to talk to Shinra alone.
Well, wanting was probably not exactly the right word though.
Sitting down on a metal chair inside the room Izaya couldn't help but notice just how different the situation was today despite having been here so often before.
Shinra had fixed him time after time, after every fight with Shizu-chan, after every mess he had gotten himself into- but now… the air was so thick.
"So what's wrong?" the brunette questioned, his face so terribly void of any expression.
"... I think I'm getting sick," the raven started slowly, "Got a throat ache and shit."
Silence.
The doctor grasped that tiny flashlight of his-Izaya opened his mouth and the doctor nodded within a matter of seconds.
"Inflamed, yep," he announced shortly, "I will give you some medics to treat that."
And again silence.
Shinra was just sitting there,occasionally looking at the raven, but also averting his gaze. But he wasn't saying a thing, not a word. But also didn't ask him to leave either.
Twisting the rings left and right on his hands the raven tried to swallow the lump that was starting to form in his throat.
"... you are creepy being all quiet like that," he whispered, cutting the silence surrounding them like a knife.
Sharp and dangerous.
"Well," Shinra mouthed slowly, "I don't know what to say."
"I know you know. So go ahead, ramble all you want." Izaya really wished he would- even if he started to scream, or was angry, or maybe sad- he would prefer anything but this earnumbing silence.
Leaning back in his chair the doctor's face reflected a row of emotions the raven couldn't quite decipher.
Taking off his glasses the brunette let his hand brush through his hair. A frown appeared on his forehead as his gaze finally directed itself back at the raven.
"... since when?" he questioned slowly, his expression growing more and more frustrated.
The raven swallowed thickly, not being able to give anything but a shrug as he looked at him with insecure eyes.
"I don't really know. A few months maybe. It didn't particularly start for some reason," Izaya tried, cursing the fact that he couldn't even give out an information as easy as this when it was all the doctor was asking. "I mean it's not like I don't want to tell, i just don't really-"
"Why did you not tell me?" pausing short the raven swallowed the words- the question even harder than the first one.
A bitter smile, a guarded one, the only expression he knew how to make no matter the situation creeped onto his expression as he avoided the doctor´s glance.
"... good question," he whispered lowly- but had no real answer. His mind was just blank.
Usually he would have a variety of options at hand, things that he knew the doctor wanted to hear and the truth of course, but right now his mind was just blank.
"I don't know- I just-" he cut off, knowing that his words weren't going to explain a thing.
"You know I would have listened," Shinra suddenly continued, the frown on his face only deepening so much more.
And he actually hit the nail on the head.
"Maybe that's exactly what I didn't want," the raven whispered, truthfully, feeling like this was the core of the problem.
"Me listening?" Shinra repeated, but that wasn't it.
"You knowing," the raven specified, only to be left with a sigh. "Anyone knowing, I guess." That was the core of his problem. It was frustrating- he wanted to give his friend answers, wished he would be able to explain just why he had done what he did, just why he had started to feel the way he did- why he even had become this shitty kind of person, but he had no idea.
He knew nothing-
Nothing at all.
It made him feel worthless all over again. "I thought it was my problem, and-"
"You don't have to explain Izaya," the doctor suddenly interrupted. But he wasn't mad. No if anything his voice seemed to have softened. His gaze as well. It wasn't hard, it was gentle maybe sad. "I just have one question," he continued, and a question the raven had heard not too long ago repeated itself in front of him. "You didn't kill yourself," Shinra was referring to today. "Why?"
And at the very last this was a question the raven at least thought he knew an answer to.
"... because I want to get better… I think," he started slowly, careful how he was handling his words. He didn't want his friend to misunderstand or gain wrong hopes or-
"So you would be willing to let me help you?"
The raven blinked.
Surprised.
A tad overthrown at the doctor's suggestion.
Of all the things he thought he would say-
He couldn't help but feel a disbelieving, yet sad smile creep up his cheeks.
"Help? Me? The asshole you know since high school?" he repeated, wondering if maybe he had heard wrong. Because there was no way Shinra just offered that. There was no way Shinra just forgave him without even an apology for having acted like an asshole-
"Well you are still my friend though you know? My only one if i have to say-" the brunette faked a soft laugh, but his eyes were getting more and more glassy with each word he said. "... you are my best friend Izaya. Do you have any idea how I felt when Shizuo said you might have gone to kill yourself?" he questioned, the last words barely understandable as his voice started to break. "I thought he was joking," Shinra continued, and Izaya felt as though he couldn't breathe, "I really did," Izaya saw it, and it tore his heart apart. Shinra was on the verge of crying, his voice was already breaking as it was.
"I'm sorr-" he started, feeling his own voice break and his cheeks getting wet.
"No, I don't want you to apologize," Shinra interrupted quickly, shaking his head almost violently at the words. "Just let me help you from now on, okay?" he repeated his offer, making the raven feel as though he was dreaming.
He didn't understand.
"Why would you even want that? You already took a knife for me in high school and now you want to save me again? Just how much do you want me to owe you?" the raven questioned, remembering the incident way too well, causing Shinra to laugh and spill even more of the tears.
The brunette joined him with a soft snort as he brought his sleeve up to his eyes to get rid of the traitors.
"Well, it's always nice to have a favor at hand, no?" he laughed softly, the glasses dangling downwards from in between his finger tips.
The raven snorted, still kinda amazed how the doctor could just brush off everything as if nothing happened.
"... you think you can?" he repeated softly, "Help me that is?" He knew Shinra was a doctor, but he wasn't exactly a real one- he had gathered all the knowledge he had by himself. And also- "I'm pretty fucked up you know."
Izaya wasn't even sure if he would trust a real doctor to know how to deal with his shit.
"I might just be a quack doctor, but to make up for that I know a larger variety of things any usual doctor wouldn't know. I want to help you Izaya. Or at least try to," Shinra spoke, saying the thoughts swirling inside Izaya's head out aloud. "If you let me, that is," he added hesitantly- after all the raven still hadn't accepted his offer.
"Does helping contain locking me up somewhere so I can't do anything? Because that's sort of scary," the raven joked for a moment, although it wasn't quite as much of a joke as he made it out to be. It was an actual measure he feared the doctor might take.
But to his relief he shook his head.
"No. Actually my help just consists of talking. Now that I look back I think Shizuo was doing quite the good job at keeping you safe from yourself, right?" Shinra added slowly, that frown on his face from before returning for a moment as he realized yet again just how much the blond had done to make sure the raven was still sitting in front of him right now.
"Sharp as always," Izaya mumbled softly, his knees pulled up onto the chair as he let his chin rest on his knee. He felt uncomfortable realizing just how much the blond had done for him.
"Not smart enough though," Shinra said, clearly remembering the day Shizuo asked about depression. He had been here, had literally ask why people try to kill themselves. Just how could he have been so blind?
"Shinra-" Izaya started, but didn't really know what to say- It wasn't Shinra´s fault that he hadn't noticed what was happening. After all Izaya had made quite sure no one would realize. That was literally his intention all along-
A soft clap of hands tore the man out of his thoughts.
"Well then I think I have a lot of helping to catch up on," Shinra suddenly stated, a smile spreading from one corner of his lips to the other.
And Izaya nodded, a soft spark of hope blooming inside his chest.
Maybe this was it. The start of the rest of his life?
"For starters. I want you to be brutally honest with me, got that?" Shinra stated pulling out a stack of papers from his desk and a pen from his cloak.
"Just as I usually am I guess?" Izaya questioned- drawing a grin on the doctor´s lips.
"Minus the lies and hidden meanings, yes."
"What a hard bargain."
At first it was really odd. The conversations he had to hold with Shinra were sometimes feeling like they were superfluous, and sometimes they just were hard. He felt as if the doctor was varying the intensity of his questions and topics.
At first he couldn't really tell whether Shinra´s attempts were really helping him or not, but he could see the effort he put into it.
"Create a list of things you like." It was another day, a week later after having returned to the doctor´s place everyday for a two hour session with him that revolved around nothing but Izaya.
The raven hesitated, looking at the piece of paper he had been handed and that heavy pen. The task was a hard one, because….
"... I don't really enjoy anything anymore tough." Shinra had asked him to say nothing but the truth, and this was it. The truth. Despite having made up his mind to defeat this shit called depression he didn´t quite know how to. The feelings didn't disappear, the thought didn´t just suddenly stop.
A few seconds passed as the doctor blinked, looked at the raven then at the sheet of paper.
"Then," he started again, a smile on his face appearing once more, "choose things you know you used to enjoy. And I mean really enjoy, not just pretend to," the doctor tried, adjusting the task he was giving Izaya slightly, so he could actually work with it.
The raven looked back at that endlessly vast and empty piece of paper.
"Oh, I have one more request~!" Shinra chirped- he always did that when he noticed he was asking the raven for something he would´t like. "Everyday after you get up, stand in front of a mirror and state things you love about yourself." He stated- drawing confusion to the raven´s expression.
"... what?" he questioned, already disliking the sole idea of such a thing. But Shinra didn't seem to give a fly fuck.
"You heard me." That was all he said, and with a really big grin on his face as well.
Hah, he knew he was asking something ridiculous from the raven.
For a long time Izaya wasn't quite sure whether what Shinra was doing was even remotely helping. It's not like he expected immediate results either- okay or maybe he did expect something at least.
But… this?
"Didn´t Shinra give you homework?" Shizu-chan asked, right next to the flea as they had just woken up in Izaya's apartment. They had come back here- Shizu-chan had taken another week off, just to be sure.
Izaya was sitting in front of the mirror he used to have inside his bathroom. Now it was positioned right in front of his bed.
Shizu-chan had carried it here without even having been asked to.
Cringing softly the raven looked at his own reflection inside the smooth material.
"... good job for waking up..?" he tried half heartedly, already hating the idea of having to look at himself and … praise himself for shit he didn't even really like about himself.
"No, you are supposed to say things you love about yourself," Shizu-chan scolded him.
Honestly Izaya was regretting telling him about the shitty little tasks Shinra gave him on a daily basis.
Sighing softly he rolled his eyes- then glanced at his nightwear.
"I love my hoodie," he shrugged, pulling at the threat that was emerging from said cloth.
A snort muffled by a pillow followed from the blond as he had shoved his face inside it.
"Well what else can I love about me right now?" Izaya questioned, getting the slightest bit frustrated that such a little task was already seeming impossible.
"Want me to give you a list? I could write you a letter about what´s loveable about you right now," Shizu-chan suggested with a grin causing the raven to cock his eyebrow.
"Well what do you love about me?" he questioned- after all that was something he didn´t quite understand anyway. Just what the blond seemed to like about him. He had at least stopped doubting the blond´s words though- now it was really curiosity speaking.
"Well starting with visible facts you could start with how good you are looking. I have seen people throw you glances on the street even when I didn't love you, so you better be confident in that," Shizuo started, not quite willing to help the raven cheat. After all Izaya's task was to think of things he loved about himself, not to repeat what the blond did.
"But I have scars-" Izaya threw in, pulling that sleeve slightly past his wrist.
"What did I say?" Shizu-chan repeated, causing the raven to groan.
"I love the way I look," he repeated, quite soulless and heartless in Shizuo´s opinion though and added a "This is stupid," right after.
"It's not, Shinra said so, now weren't you always confident in your intelligence and sharp tongue?" Shizuo tried again, naming some of the things he knew Izaya had used to like bragging about in the past. And even if he hated to admit it, the flea was pretty damn smart.
"How about saying you love how you are so smart and witty?" he questioned, only meeting an already annoyed glance.
"This is stupid it's just seems like I'm praising myself," Izaya stated with a cringing expression. This task was really just disgusting him on so many levels.
"If it´s so stupid it should be easy to do, no?" Shizu-chan argued, causing the fleato groan once more.
"I love how I'm smart and witty," he repeated what the blond had said, although like a parrot. Without emotion and just so he was over and done with this.
"I heard what you said but they way you said it made it sound like you didn't mean it," the blond pointed out causing yet another roll of eyes.
"It´s called sarcasm Shizu-chan," Izaya replied with a smirk, causing the blond to finally give up with a groan.
"I'm going to make breakfast," he announced, rolling out of the king sized bed and making his way out of the bedroom.
Izaya had won, although it didn't really feel like a win. After all- Izaya wasn't stupid, he knew Shinra had suggested this shit because he believed it would help.
Exhaling deeply the raven forced himself to crawl towards the mirror and sit on the ledge of the bed, facing it directly.
He wanted to get better.
...
There was no way something like this was going to help- but at last to not completely disregard his friends words he decided to try. He only had to start small, right?
Clearing his throat the raven forced himself to look at his reflection.
...
"I guess," he started slowly, knowing that the point was not to say random shit but things he actually did believe somewhat at least, and so he mustered all his courage.
"...I do like that I'm not stupid," he said slowly, and at least that thought didn´t make him cringe. He could really say at least this with truth behind it.
And Shizuo saw it. Standing outside the bedroom a soft smile spread across his lips.
Tiny steps. It were just small steps, but they meant so much.
Shizuo knew it, he saw it with every week that passed.
Maybe that´s why it made the parting even harder.
"... guess I will leave now," he started slowly. He was standing in the doorframe, had gathered all his stuff. He couldn't stay away from work forever. He didn't know about Izaya and his shady business, but he knew he had a lot of money saved. Shizuo couldn't exactly say that about his own bank account.
He had to go work for Tom again- and Shinra had also said it was time for him to let the raven spend some time on his own.
Because there was no use in watching the flea nonstop when it was Izaya himself who needed to push through. Without help.
"Yeah..." Izaya mumbled.
It was awkward for the both of them to just suddenly part like that.
"Kinda weird since you have been staying here for so long," Izaya said, saying out aloud what had been on Shizuo´s mind.
Silence followed for a moment as both of them didn't actually want to part but knew it was necessary.
"Hurry up, I think Tom is waiting for you." Izaya was the first to speak up again. His expression was kinda sad and yet full with trust and motivation.
Stepping forward once more the blond trapped the raven in a tight hug.
"Promise me that you will be okay on your own," he whispered softly, and the raven couldn't help but smile.
"... I promise. You don´t have to worry," he replied softly, and this time there was actual confidence inside his words.
"If you need anything, anything at all, you can call anytime, okay?" he repeated, saying what he had been saying the past view days on repeat.
"I know," Izaya chuckled, pushing at his chest, "You are kinda crushing me," he chuckled, pushing the blond towards the door.
"Now go, Tom is already waiting for you," he reminded.
It was going to be okay.
This time for sure. Izaya just had a feeling it was.
The blond had left. Izaya was alone in his apartment- for the first time in a really long time actually.
The last time he had been here alone was back then- when Shizu-chan had declared he wasn't going to play his game anymore. When Izaya smashed his cup, his phone- and then…
Shaking his head quickly the raven chased away the unpleasant memories.
That was the past now.
A soft meow made the raven turn his head downward.
The kitten they had gotten from Shinra was brushing against his leg, obviously demanding food.
Snorting softly he crouched down to pet the cat.
"Don't tell me you miss him too," he chuckled and glanced towards the couch, "how about it Kuro? Want to read a book with me?" he questioned, receiving a mewl as though the cat was agreeing with him.
Sitting down on the couch it was a matter of minutes until it had rolled up on his lap and started purring loudly as the raven gave it soft pets.
Reaching for his reading glasses on the table Izaya had to stop for a moment his glance having grazed a dent in the floor- from when Shizu-chan had tried to fix his shit.
He couldn't help but feel a smile spread on his lips.
Tilting his head he looked at the ceiling.
Somehow, he really wasn´t alone, was he?
He wasn't and he would never be again.
This time he was going to pull through and he was going to do it the right way.
"Are you listening?" an annoyed woman named Namie groaned as the flea had gotten lost in thoughts while spinning his rings. He was sitting at his computer. Another week had passed and after reading a ton and going out to meet Simon and the rest he had decided he wanted to start working again.
"Of course, of course," he said quickly, taking that stack of paper in front of him that the woman had dropped.
"I still can´t believe you are quitting just like that," she hummed, her eyes carrying a certain amount of doubt.
Of course, after all she had no idea of his reasons or what had even happened the past months.
"Well, what can I say? Japan will have to survive without the best informant from now on."
Izaya had decided it was time to change some things. Change what he was doing, what he had always taken for granted and fixed.
"Lawyer? Are you serious?" Shizu-chan questioned, sitting inside Simon´s restaurant. A piece of Ootoro was disappearing inside izaya's mouth as he nodded eagerly. They had met up after Shizu-chan´s shift had been over as Izaya wanted to inform the blond about his new plans.
"Well, with that amount of information I have I bet I can get every single one of my clients to get all charges against them dropped," he shrugged, quite confidently actually, because he knew he could do that sort of thing. It was easy. Definitely easier than dealing with Yakuza who happened to have a gun and actual threats up their sleeves.
And after what had happened with Kasuka and Celty he just had a feeling he owned this decision to not only them but also himself. The guilt had driven him insane- and he wasn't willing to ever feel this way again.
Not now that he was finally getting better and back to the way he used to be- and yet, he wasn't. And he was never going to be exactly the same again either…
It wasn't gone entirely. Not really.
The feelings, the devastation.
He was okay for a while, for a long while, periods of time, but on some days he would still wake up, maybe from a dream or just randomly, and find himself back in his old mindset.
Alone, sad- sometimes devastated because the frustration of the thoughts not having disappeared entirely already really tore at his patience. Just suddenly feeling so …. negative again was really wearing him down.
He would try to just fall back asleep but sometimes it was just impossible- anxiety winning him over, thinking, what if it was going to be permanent again?
the feeling?
What if it was returning?
It were thoughts that kept returning, kept pocking him like some kid at school with a stick. Just to make sure he never had a chance to really forget about it.
And sometimes Izaya had a feeling it would never be.
Entirely that is.
But it was bearable.
And that was the most important fact.
He would get up, would read, would distract himself with something until he could actually sleep again. And the next day the feeling would be gone, or at least tuned down a lot.
Staring at the ceiling Izaya found himself in exactly such a situation as he sighed softly.
The screen of his phone blinded his tired eyes for a second as he turned on the power button.
"What do you think? Would Shizu-chan mind if I call him?" he questioned into the darkness, knowing the cat was laying right next to him rolled up on his blanket. He reached down, stroking the cat´s fur softly as he answered his own question.
"Of course he won´t," he hummed, a soft smile appearing on his face as he pressed the dialing phone against his ear.
It took only a matter of seconds before the blond picked up.
"Hey, Shizu-chan," the raven started, only to already be interrupted.
"Izaya- are you okay?"
Of course. Haha the blond was still so worried about him all the time, btu there really was no need to.
"Yeah. Just having a hard time falling asleep. Thinking about stuff and I just kinda thought maybe I could kill some time with you on the phone. Sorry if I woke you up," the raven explained shortly, already feeling better just hearing the blond´s voice and being able to talk freely like this about his feelings.
What he didn't quite expect was the blond´s reply.
"I will be there in ten."
"Eh-" the raven blinked into the darkness,"you don't have to come or anything-" but the familiar sound of a call having been cut off reached his ears before he could even finish.
Glancing towards the cat inside the darkness the raven snorted perplexed.
"He hung up."
He knew he could count on the blond but this was really a bit too much. Only minutes later the bell to his apartment rang and the raven opened it only to face a certain blond bartender.
Izaya couldn't quite ignore the fact that it was 4 am.
"You didn't have to come you know... just talking on the phone would have been fine too," he stated, although more amused than displeased.
"Nah, I prefer seeing you in front of my eyes," Shizu-chan announced with a shrug.
"Not trusting me?" Izaya chuckled, whelping softly when a pair of hands wrapped around him.
"No, just want to be able to hug you like this," the blond grinned, and izaya couldn't help but smile too.
"Hm, maybe you are right. I sorta missed this too."
It was getting better- so much better- better with every day that passed.
Slowly, but surely.
There were moments when Izaya doubted it and then there were moments where he felt as though he was entirely fine again.
It was a mixture of good and bad times, and yet it was perfect just like that. It was fine.
He could work with that.
Both of them could.
With a lot of effort, trust and believe.
"Good morning sunshine."
Light.
Bright and clear it was filling the bedroom from a crack in between the curtains that were supposed to cover the window. Groaning into his pillow the raven unwillingly blinked towards the bright traitor.
"How long did I sleep?" he questioned groggy, not quite remembering when exactly they had headed to bed the night before. Or rather in the morning. Shizu-chan had turned up fairly late after all.
"...long?" Shizu-chan snorted, causing the raven to perk his ears and actually look at the clock next to his bedside table.
"What the Shizu-chan it´s 10 am," he laughed, fairly aware that he had overslept and probably already missed the first of his clients that day.
Well, with his savings and reputation it wasn't like he couldn't afford things like these once in a while. After all after starting this new job of his it hadn't taken long until people started to take notice of him.
He had always been good at digging up information and dirt. So far he had lost not once at court.
His clients should be glad he was even working for them~
"Do you know what day it is?" Shizu-chan suddenly questioned, causing the raven to stop arching his back for a moment.
"... Tuesday?" he questioned, quite sure he was actually right, but the blond merely laughed at his response.
"Should I be surprised you forgot about your own birthday?" he questioned, and for a moment the raven had to blink, totally having forgotten about something as unimportant as that.
"This is seriously the last thing I thought off," he snorted, never really having celebrated that sort of thing. It seemed superflous to him- after all he had only turned one year older, was that really something worthy of attention?
A small, and honestly really poorly packed package was suddenly shoved in front of his eyes, held out by no one but Shizu-chan.
"Is this for me?" he questioned, quite perplexed by the action, only earning a snort from the blond.
"No, the cat," Shizu-chan answered a smirk almost similar to Izaya's spreading across his cheeks.
"Copying my sarcasm?" Izaya questioned with a cocked eyebrow as he took said package and carefully tugged at the tape left and right in order to open it.
"Hey, you asked," Shizu-chan shrugged, growing silent though as the raven unwrapped the present.
A hint of confusion and amusement crossed the raven´s expression as he twisted the object he had been given.
It was a cup.
But well-
"It's my birthday and you get me a broken cup?" Izaya laughed- and really the cup was just that, plain old white, with cracks everywhere, and some kind of golden colour filled into the cracks. Honestly it did look somewhat good to tell the truth, but Izaya was still a bit confused.
"Well, take a close look," Shizu-chan tried again, but Izaya was still quite lost.
"This... is a white cup?" he tried again, causing the blond to laugh for a moment and shake his head.
"For someone so smart you really can behave stupid sometimes," he chuckled and softly grasped the cup from the raven´s hands. "You know you were once saying it was your favorite one. But you ended up breaking it," he suddenly said, and the raven´s eyes widened a fraction. The cup he had thrown at the wall…? "You said you felt like that cup, broken and that no one could repair you the way you were," Shizu-chan continued, twisting the cup. "But you know, something that got broken can actually become so much more beautiful. I got this broken cup you threw and had some people do this to it." The sun was still gleaming strongly from between the curtains, and the golden colour that had been used to fill the cracks with was reflecting it all over the room. "See it´s sparkling and beautiful, it's way more pretty than a plain old white cup. I think they call this technique Kintsugi or something," he continued, actually wanted to say more, but then he saw the raven´s expression- or rather the tear that dropped from his lashes.
"Ah- don´t cry- ah this was a shit idea after all- I have something else too just in case and-" but izaya shook his head laughing, rubbing at his eyes quickly.
"No, I love it," he laughed softly, "I'm just really touched that´s all," he choked out, "I don't think anyone has ever given me a present that meaningful," he explained, his voice cracking just softly towards the end of his sentence.
"So I am the first?" Shizuo questioned, smiling at the raven as he kissed his forehead.
"My first for everything," Izaya agreed with a soft chuckle, meeting his lips for a soft kiss.
"I just wanted to show you how much I love you, so you know," Shizuo replied, still not quite sure if he should feel proud or guilty that he made the raven cry.
"Thank you," Izaya whispered softly, so gentle and quiet, "Shizu-chan," he started, "I love you."
And he had never felt so free saying it.
"I love you too, Izaya." And he had never felt so free hearing them either.
Everything was turning for the better now.
For sure.
"So where is that other present you were talking about?"
"Pfft-"
-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
THE END
Aww gosh, now this story is over C': god damn it sure has been long omg xD
And a lot of work woah. and most importantly a lot of feelings flowed inside this story-
I hope you enjoyed the roller coaster of emotions and you are satisfied with the end I came up with xD
Well then, I guess that´s it~
Now I just wanna announce one last thing!
Some of you might know that I am writing an actual book, and for those who don't- well, here you go xD
I'm writing a fantasy story, 4 books in total, 600 pages each :3 And book 1 of 4 is nearly done xD As some of you might know the only reason I started writing Shizaya was because I wanted to practise writing for this exact book. :3
I worked on it for 7 years straight now, the plot, the characters, the writing- and now I'm finally done with the first book of four xD The only important thing missing is two things: Feedback and readers.
Now I have been thinking some of you said they love my writing, some of you even said they loved my Original Characters that I throw into Shizaya here and there and some even specifically suggested for me to write a book or asked if there was anything real to read from me as well.
Well here I am now xD With the idea to give you free chapters of what I wrote so far :3
I will be sending out free chapters for my readers, aka you, per e-mail every 1st. (1st July, 1st August, 1st September etc.) This won't affect my Shizaya at all btw as the whole book is already written xD
And if you want to read my original work and also get some extra content, (like character sketches that no one is going to see in the published version) then you just have to give me your e-mail adress and I will put you on my personal "Reader-list" xD
You can join the List whenever you want, I will send you the missed chapters afterwards as well xD
This is a chance to read early as I will only send my book to publishers/publish the book myself around February 2020, and the chance to see drawings that I don't plan on publishing at all xD
Btw you don't have to give Feedback, I mean I would be happy to hear what you think of my book, but you can also just read in peace xD No pressure there xD
So, just send me a message or mail to shirohimesstories gmail . com if you wanna be on that list :3
For those who are interested, here is the next update on:
Yultesra Book 1/4 "Eradication"
Next Update: (Prologue & Chapter 2/26) bonus: Book cover, Character Sketch Jared & Tommy
1st July 2019
Well then, I hope someone actually wants to read the shit I poured my soul into xD
And now, one more information, I plan to turn this shizaya story "twtd" into a real book :3 With original characters this time though of course xD I'm gonna alter a lot of things and also leave out some scenes, but well, the story by itself will stay the same, the main Character struggling with depression, showing the reader both sides the one who tries to help and the one who doesn´t even want that help, and how it can get better even if there is seemingly no hope :3
I will post an update here once i am done with that book as well xD One final chapter basically showing you this entire story from a whole other set of characters haha
Well then, I love you guys 3
Thank you for having joined this ride with me and having been so supportive throughout these whole 3 years of inconsistent updating xD
I love you all 3
Now some last guest review responses xD
Unknown: xD haha you started fairly late but hell I bet it´s been awesome for you since you didn´t have to wait on cliffhangers x'DDDD haha well i guess if you go by reviews it s the most popular one of mine so far xD I do that too lol so yah xD And indeed everything is wonderful for me! xD Although I am a bit sad that this story is over now- it´s been 3 years I mean wow- I will definitely be missing to write on this story- but hey then again i will be rewriting it anyway to make it an actual book so yah xDDDD thank you 3 you are always so supportive, not only here but on every story haha 3
Guest 2: It´s the last TAT -sobs- forever -sobs- you will probably hear me crying about this the entire next week lmao xD But ahhh I´m also kinda glad it´s finished- like- idk it´s like a huge piece falling of my heart xD I hope the end was worthy the whole story just like I promised x'D honestly while writing I did get a bit teary eyed xD But that may as well be simply because it´s ending x'DDD lol and now i should really hurry the fuck up with all the other updates lol xDDDDDD