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hey Minna~ So.. I know this isn´t a chapter update and you would probably love those more, but I kind of found myself writing this and thought, why not post?
WARNING: MIGHT BE TRIGGERING - I´m serious.
…
Why…?
Heh. He would have smiled at the stupid question. He had been pondering on it far too long already- despicable... he just couldn´t find a solution.
It should be laughable, at first it even was.
When it first started- … did he even know when exactly?
No. Maybe he did, but right now his brain was too fuzzy to think straight.
He laughed then.
He literally laughed.
Shrugged it off. He thought it was nothing, just a stupid question that his bored mind came up with.
But oh had he been wrong.
No matter what- now his lips just didn't curl into that familiar grin anymore.
He couldn´t-
The question had taken over his mind before he knew.
Agonizing it pestered him to the point he really started thinking about it.
The point where he couldn´t stop thinking about it.
The point where he got desperate.
Why...
What a useless question.
He kept asking, and not asking, he even tried to simply ignore it.
How foolish. Despite the useless attempt the thought kept lingered in his head, even though there was no solution to it.
At least none he could find by himself.
His mind kept torturing to the point where he wondered if his brain had a sadistic personality that would make it enjoy such things.
However, the question was not why he wanted to die.
The questions was-
Why should he live?
…
Slowly he inhaled, taking in the cool night air of Shinjuku.
… he just couldn´t make sense of it anymore.
It seemed pointless.
Empty.
In fact everything seemed empty…
He looked down the building, countless lights were swirling past his sight- the city really did never sleep.
There was just no stop, no pause in this ruthless world.
So why? If the world kept moving forward, no matter what his insignificant self was doing, no matter whether he was even living-
What was the point of it?
Why was he even here? What good did come from it?
...
Expressionless, he stood there. His furry coat swaying softly in the wind.
Staring.
Just staring.
He could see the city- from high up. He was standing on an abandoned apartment complex.
Night had awoken, but the lights still illuminated the darkness.
Softly he exhaled, blowing some warm air into the cold night.
Why he chose to do it this way?
He didn´t know. His legs had carried him here before he even realized it.
He didn´t even notice when the thoughts came back creeping into his mind. From one second to the other he just found himself here.
True… he had wondered before. He had thought about it before.
It wasn't as if all of a sudden he had taken a final decision.
He was just here.
Standing. Staring. Wondering.
But did it even matter?
He was here, that´s a fact. And he was glad.
No matter what he did, there it is, there it was, there it would always be, that overwhelming feeling of grief, hopelessness this constant phrase repeating in his head.
Die.
Give up.
Let it be.
Followed by pain.
Nothing but immense pain, pain that wasn´t from a physical cause, but deeply embedded into the core of his soul. Crushing every last bit of light and let it be taken over by filthy darkness.
Closing the door, or curtains, and rolling up the blanket over his head because he just couldn´t stand the feeling, did little to nothing at all.
It was still there. Always.
Always.
He couldn´t shake it off.
It was following no matter where he went.
It was sitting there, in the core, grinning evil, so cruel, so ugly, so accusing.
Was it his fault it was there? Was it punishment?
What was wrong with him to feel this way?
Just so utterly.. defeated.
Just defeated.
Empty.
For him the lovely thing called life- has become a burden too hard to carry.
Too difficult to continue partaking in it.
He wanted to step out. Close his eyes, and get away.
It was not that he didn´t want to live anymore, no not even, that´s not the point. It´s just that he didn´t want to live the life he was living now.
The life, that tortured him with pain and demise.
It was not right.
It didn´t make him happy.
It didn´t elevate him.
It just hurt him, to the point he couldn´t take it anymore.
He hated it.
He hated everything.
Every accusing second.
Every painful breath.
Every stab to his soul.
He has had enough.
Enough of everything.
With weary feet, he climbed over the railing of the high-rise.
It was windy, he felt tempted to just let his hands let loose- but simultaneously... he felt the need to hang on.
Was he scared? Scared of falling down?
Scared of the pain, maybe?
The unavoidable pain he would feel when his head crashes into the hard pavement and ends his life?
The tight grip on the iron railing told him so.
How paradox.
Considering he was going to jump down there in a few seconds.
And so he stared. His hands were sweaty and cold.
He stood uptight and inhaled deeply.
The wind, was softly brushing past his head. Cooling his thoughts and calming his heart.
He let go of the railing and sneaked the hands into his pockets.
Then he stood there.
On the edge.
Hands firmly stuck in the coat.
As if on cue the wind picked up blowing as if it wanted the raven to hurry up.
Almost ironic.
It was the same wind as last time.
3 months ago, he told Kamichika Rio to jump from here. He made fun of her intentions to die.
He played with her mind, wanted to force her to jump.
3 months ago, he didn´t feel this way.
3 months ago, he felt fine.
3 months ago this monster wasn't in possession of his soul.
How come it was now?
He didn´t get the reason.
Why now?
Now, that his thoughts trailed back, he didn´t know what he was thinking back then.
He couldn´t sympathize with his former self anymore.
It felt alien.
It was as if it had been another person walking through his life so far.
One he couldn´t sympathize with or understand at all.
He didn´t know how to not want to die anymore.
He didn´t know why he wanted to die.
He just wanted to.
Desperately.
It was calling to him.
The moment he woke up, every second he breathed, with every word he spoke- the thought was following him constantly.
Die.
Just die.
Die.
Die already.
There was no specific trigger no specific thought.
Just nothing.
Nothing, yes.
Emptiness.
He felt empty.
Like a shell, washed on the shore.
His eyes were dull, his words had no soul.
Did he himself even have a soul?
He would have denied it if it weren´t for the pain.
Why was he feeling pain?
Why did it hurt so much to push on?
What did he do wrong, why did he feel it every second of his life?
What had he done to deserve this feeling?
This urge, this strong urge to die?
He wanted it to stop.
To please, please finally stop.
Yes, he wanted it to stop.
Paradox.
He wanted to stop the thoughts that told him to die.
And chose to just do exactly that.
To shut them up- he would die.
Was he obeying? Was he giving in? Was it something he subconsciously wished for?
He didn´t know.
He just wished for this feeling to disappear.
If he had the chance to choose, he would prefer living like he did before.
Living just like when he was a child.
Living like he did 3 months before.
Living like that again.
Living like he did before these thoughts ever came up.
But he couldn´t.
The thought...
It was haunting him
It didn´t let him alone
It didn´t let him sleep
It didn´t let him be happy
It didn´t let him breath.
He felt suffocated.
Every breath he took became more and more of a chore.
He felt nothing but pain.
Constant tightness in his chest.
Cold.
Nothing but the wish to die.
He couldn't do this anymore.
He couldn´t bear the pain.
He couldn´t bear living.
An end. Yes an end.
He would put an end to it now.
Slowly he leaned forward, looking down the high rise.
The bloodstain he spotted so nonchalantly last time, the stain he didn´t even think of much, suddenly held so much more meaning to him.
It was still there.
Just as red and dark as he had memorized it.
It was comforting.
Only now he found himself truly understanding what these people must have been thinking when they chose to leap from here.
Once he touched that stain, it would be gone.
Everything would be gone.
The feeling, the coldness, the pain.
He would be free.
He felt relief. He felt tightness in his chest.
Tears were stinging his face.
Confused, he touched his cheek, catching one of the salty drops.
Why?
Why was he crying?
Why was it hurting so much?
Wasn´t this what he wanted?
... no, it wasn´t what he wanted.
It actually wasn´t.
But it was the only way.
He admitted it.
He lost.
He lost against his himself.
He lost against his own thoughts.
And the tears flowed.
He sat down on the edge, legs hanging off the building. Cold wind was covering him like the death reapers blanket.
There was no need to hurry.
An uncontrollable shiver took over his body.
Why was he trembling?
He was not scared.
He was calm.
Unnaturally calm.
Nothing seemed to matter anymore.
Nothing.
He had chosen this.
He had accepted his loss.
His vision was clouded and his body felt numb.
Was it the tears? Was it that he just finally didn´t care anymore?
One last time he looked around the city.
One last time he listened to the sounds it gave off.
One last time he breathed in the polluted air.
One last time, he felt the shiver, rupturing through his body.
Shaking his existence to the very core.
And then he pushed-
.
.
.
and fell.
/ So, this is the end- for now. I am not sure how to continue this yet. I have two options in mind each needing at least one chapter.
1: Izaya is dead, and the next (last) chapter will be about conveying the message to everyone. Shizuo, Shinra.. etc.
or-
2: Izaya survives by certain circumstances caused by Shizuo. Causing the blond to find out and try to make the flea "stay."(needs more than just 1 additional chapter)
I will leave it to you guys to decide.
Death or Life?
I´ll wait until 19April2015 to see your answers.
Well then. Hope you... enjoyed?
see you~
Here is your answer~!
NEWS: The wish to disappear
Since so many of you wanted this, I chose life for Izaya in this chapter x3
I will be outlining the story from this point on now, but I will also include the death option one way or another~ ;3
mwahaha~ Have fun guessing what will happen~ ;3
I will start regularely updating it, once I finish After sunset~ ;3