.

The Club closed its doors for the following week, much to the dismay of their clients. As the days went on, the young girls were beginning to wonder if they had done something to offend the Hosts, or if a Host was sick, or if there was an epidemic, or if someone died!

...But really, the reason for the club's absence was far less tragic: they were busy preparing for their new project: a staged, three-act play. The problem was, that the source material was minimal, and lacked a coherent plot. So while all other students were locked out, the Hosts put their heads together to come up with something grand...

.

Item One: Setting and Theme

"Feudal Japan!" shouted Tamaki.

"Renaissance Europe!" growled Kyoya.

"Vampire mythos!" hollered Kaoru.

"Grecian mythos!" screamed his brother.

"Jungle theme," muttered Mori.

"French Revolution!" cheered Hunny. "I wanna be Marie Antoinette so I can say, 'Let them eat cake!'"

This was getting on Haruhi's last nerves. All afternoon, the hosts were- very loudly- coming up with various suggestions on what setting their play should have. Each suggestion was more obnoxious and absurd as the last, and her head was now splitting in two. After enduring ten minutes of bickering among her male co-hosts, she finally spoke up. "Why not just set it in modern times? This is a story about the Twins, right?"

They all gave her blank stares before shouting in unison, "Too boring!"

Her face faltered.

Kyoya then spoke up. "If this is a story about forbidden love, then I suggest we choose a setting in which this particular pairing would be most taboo. Hikaru, your suggestion is out; the Ancient Greeks were perfectly fine with homosexuality."

The elder Hitachiin seemed to have tripped over something- his ego, perhaps- and fell in defeat.

"Kaoru, your idea is thrown out too; mythology is all about forbidden love."

The younger Hitachiin followed after his brother onto the floor.

"Mori-Senpai? ...Just... No."

"Hmm," hummed the tallest of the Hosts with a frown.

"Might I make a suggestion?" a feminine voice eerily spoke out from out of nowhere. Hunny jumped, as his feet were directly above the Deus Ex Machina and its portal was opening up. Out from below the floors came Renge, the self-proclaimed manager of the Host Club, on her spinning machine of... randomness.

Holding out one of her many manga magazines, Renge proudly announced, "I just happen to be a subscriber to Manga Monthly, and from what I've read it looks like medical dramas are all the rage!"

"Medical dramas?" blinked the Hosts.

Renge beamed as she flipped through the pages of her book, "I personally love the story of the young girl who had her face burned so badly in a fire, that her handsome young surgeon did a full reconstruction of her face, and turned her into the most beautiful woman in the world! He couldn't keep his hands off her, the little devil! Squee! Oh, and this one: two nurses fighting for the heart of the patient dying of a terminal illness; whoever finds the cure may walk down the aisle with him!"

Kaoru motioned over to his brother with half opened eyes. "We've done the Doctor act before, didn't we?"

Hikaru pondered for a minute before he smirked, "Well, we were both technically doctors at the time, neither one was the patient... Say, that gives me an idea."

"I'm two steps ahead of you boys!" cheered Renge as she jumped in front of them. She then reached out and pulled down the next marker:

Item Two: Cast

Then she flipped it back out. "I can see it now: Kaoru, the meaker and more sensitive of the brothers, will make a great patient who's dying of an undisclosed disease. And Hikaru, the more domineering of the two, who can only let his defenses down when his brother needs him by his side."

"Don't I get to play the doctor?" frowned Hikaru, who was unsure of where Renge's chain of thought was going.

"Idiot!" snapped Renge. "If it was just between you two, the story wouldn't go anywhere. Every love story needs tension, conflict! It needs... YOU!" With that, she pointed her finger dramatically at the bescpectacled Host.

"...Me?" meeped Kyoya worriedly.

"Yes, you Kyoya! You're going to play the handsome Doctor who gets in between the Twins' love affair! You're going to be hoveriong over Kaoru all day every day, making Hikaru jealous and suspicious!"

Kyoya straightened his glasses. "I'm not usually one to play a lead role; I'm more comfortable with being behind the scenes."

"But just look at you!" squaled Renge. "That frame, that cold look on your face, that tone of voice that just oozes arrogance- it all spells out Doctor!"

Tamaki grinned. "...You would pull off the role pretty well, Kyoya. Everyone takes you seriously, even the Twins."

"Hmm..." Kyoya sighed. "Very well, I suppose I can show off some of my family's medical know-how."

"That's the spirit!" cheered Renge. "Now that we have our main cast, filling out the rest of the roles will be easy!"

"...Can I still be Marie Antionette?" peeped Hunny, causing everyone to exchange awkward glances.

.

Item Three: Plot

"Now," lectured Renge while she was still on a roll, "if we want this story to be memorable, we need to avoid some of the more cliched plot tropes, such as 'The Lying Lover,' or 'The Gold-Digging Boyfriend.'"

"What's the Lying Lover?" asked a curious Haruhi.

She was met by Renge's white-hot, raging eyes and snake hair. "Are you serious? It's only the one trope every romantic comedy in the last twenty years has done! It goes like this: The Hero is kind and sympathetic, yet he's very self aware of some flaw that he has. So to win the heart of his intended, he either denies this flaw or lies around it. Then, in the climax, the truth is revealed and-"

"Oo, oo! I know this one!" cheered an enthusiastic Tamaki. As he spoke, all colors flushed to hues of blue as sketch drawings of Hikaru and Kaoru acted out the trope in his head: "The Liar (Hikaru) is forced to reveal himself, causing his love interest (Kaoru) to break up with him, then we get five minutes of the two of them moping around in sorrow to a sweet, sad song."

WHAM! -Went Renge's rolled up magazine to Tamaki's head, knocking him on the ground. "Don't interrupt me while I'm working! ...But yes, that about sums it up, Haruhi."

"Oooh," nodded the girl in dusguise. "...Yeah, I hate that trope."

"What about kissing in the rain?" asked Hunny. "That's a popular one."

"How would we pull that off?" questioned Haruhi.

An image of the Twins kissing on set right as a bucket of ice-cold water falls over their heads entered everyone's mind.

"Pass," frowned the Twins, each giving a disapporoving thumbs down.

"Running on the beach?" suggested Mori out of the blue.

A new image of the Twins, hand in hand, running across the edge of a hot, sandy beach in bathing trunks entered their heads...

"Oo, then as they're running, we can make it rain!" chimed in Tamaki, as the sketchy imaginary Twins were suddenly doused in ice-cold water courtesy of a bucket magically appearing over their heads.

"Let's keep this simple, shall we?" suggested Kyoya. "Suppose we throw in other characters, such as a mother and father?"

"Oo, yes!" cheered Renge. "The parents- Mori-Senpai and Hunny-senpai- will approve of the hunky Doctor because he's rich and charming and oh so handsome!"

New image: sketches of Hunny in drag standing next to Mori in a tux shaking hands with Kyoya in a doctor's uniform, while the fearful Twins look on.

"Which will only add tension to the star-crossed lovers, causing them to elope!"

Back to the beach they go, still hand in hand, but now fully dressed instead of swim trunks.

"Oo!" cooed Tamaki. "And then one of them will be in a terrible accident, causing him to end up in the hospital while the hunky Doctor takes care of him and makes the other twin jealous!"

Sketch Kaoru falls through the scene and into a hospital bed, as Doctor Kyoya is wheeled in to loom over him. Sketch Hikaru's head pops out from behind Doctor Kyoya with anger in his dotted eyes.

"And," continued Tamaki, "we'll make it look like the two of them will be seperated forever, cuing the five-minute moping scene..."

Call back to the blue-hued Sketch Twins moping about in two seperate spotlights as a sad piano plays in the background...

"...But then, a moment of clarity!"

Sketch Hikaru jumps in trimph to the sound of trumpets.

"The older twin professes his undying love for his brother in the most grandiose act of affection he can muster!"

Sketch Hikaru appears at Sketch Kaoru's bedside with enormous bouquets of flowers, a banner reading "I 3 YOU KAORU," and a giant heart-shaped candy box.

"The younger brother will be so taken by this gesture that his heart finds the strength it needs to be healed! And then, they jump into each other's arms..."

Sketch Kaoru, miraculously healed and out of bed, does indeed jump to Sketch Hikaru and they embrace...

"...And then, we MAKE IT RAIN!"

A bucket of ice-cold water is dumped over their heads for the third time.

-POW!-

Tamaki's body twirled three times before it hit the floor after being punched by an enraged Renge. She then dusted her hands and deadpanned, "Like Kyoya said, we'll keep this simple... Hikaru? May I see the fanfic please?"

"Sure." The readhead handed the stolen papers of the unknown fangirl over to the otaku, positive that they were in good hands.

Renge eyed each word of the scripture with fierce intent. "Hmm... Mm-hmm... Yes, I like that... Uh-huh, uh-huh, exactly how I'd word it... Ah, there may be a teeeeeency-weeeensy little problem here."

"Uh-oh," blinked the Twins. "What is it?"

"This love scene, it's a bit... too risque. I doubt we'd get away with most of these... 'acts,' without someone calling the cops."

Hikaru shrugged, "We tried to tone it down as much we could-"

"While still trying to respect the original piece," finished his brother.

"Even so," nodded Renge as she handed it back to them, "it's just too risky for our guests to witness you two... How did she word it? ….'Breaking all the rules.'"

As she said this, a curious Hunny tried to glance at the naughty fanfic pages, but he was quickly pulled aside by his protective cousin.

The Twins looked at each other worriedly. "How are we gonna pay homage to our number one fan..." started Hikaru.

"...if we're not even using her original material?" finished Kaoru.

After pausing for a few seconds in deep thought, Renge snapped her fingers. "I've got an idea."

Haruhi sighed deeply. This was going to turn out one way or another: a loving homage to the Twins' admirer, or a disastrous insult to her. The girl in boy's clothing prayed for the former.

.

TBC