Chapter 1: Coming Out part 1

Dudley was standing in front of the full length mirror in his bedroom. He was going to do this, it was now or never. He had stood in the exact same spot several times before but they all had ended the same way, with him chickening out.

He was tired of it. Tired of pretending to be someone he wasn´t. Tired of not standing up for himself and who he was. Tired of doing a lot of things he didn´t believe in just because he thought his father would approve. It was time he did something for himself and faced the truth.

The truth was he couldn´t do it anymore, he couldn´t live like this. Live in denial of who he was just because he couldn´t understand it and was afraid of what people would think once they knew.

He was miserable, it was no way out. It was like being in a labyrinth with no opening, he was stuck inside of himself and no matter how much he tried he was unable to break free. He would though today, there was no other option. He could live with them hating him for who he was but he couldn´t stand them loving him for who he wasn´t.

Dudley took a deep breath, looking in the mirror. Staring back at him was a 19 year old with too many frown lines and a slumped posture.

He had on some level known since when he was 13 but of course pushed all the evidence from his mind until that day in 9th grade that had changed everything. He remembered Ms. Snowden´s lesson that Thursday afternoon as vividly as the day it had happened.

"Duuudley, please go with me to that concert my dad got me tickets for, it´s next Friday" it was Tracy and Dudley shuddered, she was way too clingy for his liking.

Tracy had tried to get him to go out on a date with her for a year now. At first Dudley had just shrugged it off and had thought that she would soon get bored with the idea, but he had realized quickly that when she wanted something she would not give up. He had managed to hold her off so far but it was getting harder and harder to come up with an excuse.

And even if he didn`t find her appealing she seemed to genuinely like him and well Dudley couldn´t deny he liked the attention.

"You are free then right?" Tracy was now looking at him pleadingly the start of a pout forming on her lips "and don´t say that you don´t like the band, I know you have a CD with them."

The truth was that Dudley loved that band and he would have done almost anything to go. Almost anything, Tracy believing he was interested and claiming him as her boyfriend was not included in that almost.

He had to think of some reason not to go. "Um… well, Tracy you see…" he stopped talking because they had rounded the corner and was now stepping inside Ms. Snowden`s classroom for their weekly sexual educations class.

Tracy was jumping up and down "Oh I loooooove this class" she was gushing excitedly and it seemed their conversation was now light years away from her mind. Dudley let out a breath, saved by sexual education who would have thought.

They took their seats far back in the left corner and turned around to see their teacher smiling brightly up at them. "Good afternoon class, today we are going to talk about something very important so please listen with an open mind."

Oh god was she going to go through different sexual acts? Dudley wasn´t sure if he felt comfortable with that.

"There are a lot of different types of relationships and love, can anyone of you name some of them?" his classmates seemed to hesitate but after a few seconds two hands raised to the air.

Ms. Snowden gave a nod to a boy sitting in the middle of the classroom. "Do you mean like that there are open relationships and then there are monogamous relationships?" he asked. Ms. Snowden looked impressed but shook her head "maybe we will talk about that at a later date but it was not what I had in mind for today's lesson."

She looked around the class again and nodded to an eager girl in the front "there are romantic relationships, relationships between friends, relationships between family members like parent and child but also like your relationship with your pet. All of them are important but also very different from the other."

The girl looked too much like a know it all for Dudley´s liking and he couldn´t help but mutter `suck up` under his breath and rolling his eyes.

Smiling down at the girl Dudley was sure Ms. Snowden would praise her like usual "that is very true Miss Camden, but I was more thinking of different types of romantic as well as sexual relationships or some may even say lifestyles."

The class was quiet for a few seconds even Eleanor Camden didn´t raise her hand again, Dudley guessed there was a first for everything.

"What? You mean like ugh penetrative and oral sex?" a jock on the desk beside Dudley blurted out.

Ms. Snowden sighed and shook her head "No, those are just sexual acts and do not per say require a relationship." The jock huffed but said nothing so Ms. Snowden kept going "and the next time when you want to answer a question will you please raise your hand?"

The jock looked uncomfortable but mumbled "yes Ms. Snowden" and she averted her attention back to the whole class once again.

"Today´s lesson is about different sexual orientations" Ms. Snowden finally revealed to the class. Dudley felt like someone had thrown ice water over him, talking about that was even worse than the sex acts thing.

Eleanor was now once again raising her hand "yes Miss Camden?" Eleanor sat straighter in her chair before starting on what felt like half an assay to Dudley.

"So what you meant by asking us to name different kind of relationships you meant to state different definitions to with who we have an affinity to fall in love with and not what we do after the fact that we are already in love," she took a small breath before continuing "obviously you can be straight also called heterosexual and the opposite of that is homosexual or well gay if you are a boy and lesbian I you are a girl, and then we have people that is neither or both I guess you can say and they are called bisexual."

Dudley had a headache, how could she talk so much and know something about everything? He really hoped they were not going to discuss today´s lesson. It usually came down to that though, Ms. Snowden always wanted everyone not only to learn facts but also to get them to think about what they were talking about.

Dudley hated thinking, and it didn´t matter anyway because what he thought didn´t matter. He would just say what his father had told him on the subject.

Ms. Snowden was now writing on the blackboard. When she was finished she addressed Eleanor again "that is correct Miss Camden, although there is several more types of sexuality such as asexual, pansexual and transsexual do everyone know what these terms stand for?"

The next 30 minutes went by with Ms. Snowden explaining the different sexualities and everyone taking notes.

"Now I would like to ask what your view is on these sexualities and what you think about the view society have on the matter" crap Dudley had known she would do this, he didn´t want to have to talk about what he believed, not that he would anyway.

She let everyone in class say what they thought, the majority said they hadn´t thought about it and didn´t have an opinion, a few said that of course they had no problem with it and then there was a few that said they didn´t understand people that weren´t "normal".

When it was time for Dudley he was sweating and rather uncomfortable. He looked up when Ms. Snowden addressed him "Mr. Dursley what are your thoughts on this?" Dudley took a deep breath and thought frantically *what would Vernon say, what would Vernon say, what would Vernon say*…

He looked up at Ms. Snowden with a clear stare and an indifferent face, he felt quite out of balance but that was okay as long as he didn´t show that outwards. He had become an expert at pretending and seeming to be fine when he really wasn´t.

"Um…" after a few seconds of silence and a "take your time " from Ms. Snowden he remembered the phone call Vernon had had with one of his colleagues last month and new exactly what he would say.

Sitting up a little straighter he said as confident as he could "people perusing relationships of any romantic or sexual kind with others of the same gender or thinking as well as supporting such" here he sneered to make a point before continuing "things are not only wrong but disgusting. Quite simply they are freaks that should be taught a lesson." Dudley almost cringed at his own words and how he had said it was not even close to the hatred and venom he had heard Vernon use while talking about "those people".

Dudley didn´t even recognize his own voice when he after a moment of consideration added as an afterthought something that he had heard his mum say not that long ago. "And also it is against god and going against him is as if you are going against humanity and the sole purpose of our existence, frankly I believe people with other sexualities then heterosexuality of course will go to hell" he was proud of himself as he held the clear stare ahead of him, his parents would be so proud if they had heard his little speech.

Somehow he didn´t feel any satisfaction though he just felt out of place. Ms. Snowden was watching him fidget with a sad look in her normally often sparkling eyes and the room had gone deathly silent with his declaration of homophobic believes. The word homophobic tasted sour in his month but he had to remember that in being what he knew his parents wanted him to be he was always going to be loved and get whatever he wanted because he was their "perfect child".

He was sure Ms. Snowden would say something after what he had just said but she just continued and asked Tracy the same question. "I fully agree with my Dudley he said it so utterly perfect" no one was very surprised by this. Dudley was a bit disgusted by her always trying to seek his approval to whatever price. When he thought about it though wasn´t that exactly what he was doing but towards his parents?

But he had to. If they knew who he really was, if they knew the thoughts that he had behind the walls he had built around himself, if they knew what he really wanted then his life would be over. Tracy just did it because of teenage hormones or something else as shitty. She didn't have a good excuse, while he had a life full of them.

Dudley lost track of time and was in his own mind for the rest of the lesson. Ms. Snowden had talked about why it was important to keep an opened mind why there wasn´t anything wrong with any kind of love, how you could show support, and what progress was being made right now as she was speaking. How people in that room could be the start to make a difference and how together people actually could change the world and the view of different lifestyles and cultures.

Dudley had heard her but it didn´t register in his mind because he knew what she said was just a load of crap. Oh sure there was people who would support freaks like him, but if the people that mattered didn´t what difference would it make. He wouldn´t be happy. He knew he would marry a girl maybe even Tracy (but god he hoped not) someday and that would make his parents happy, and if his parents were happy then he had a reason to be too, that was what mattered.

He could feel himself getting depressed by his fate but his musings was interrupted by Ms. Snowden "the assignment for today´s lesson is to think about what you would do if someone close to you, say your cousin, sibling or best friend came out to you as a homosexual, what would you do and why?" she started writing this up on the blackboard "I would also want to know if what you would do would change if your family told you to act a certain way, would you stand by your original thought or would you change to appease them no matter the consequences to your friend or family member that just came out to you?"

She had finished writing and it felt like she was staring Dudley straight to the bone even though she was really looking out over the whole classroom. "And then I would like you to think what you would want someone else to do if it was you that came out to them, it doesn´t even have to be about sexuality just something life changing that maybe everyone around you wouldn´t see as acceptable."

Then she was all on about how you were who you were supposed to be and to be different was a good thing and yadda yadda yadda…

Things like that was so easy to say Dudley thought, to actually have courage to be yourself was a whole other matter, and he was quite lucky that he wasn´t that strong because he knew if he was himself and let his true feelings and believes show he would probably no longer have a place to call home.

"I want your assignment in by next week were we will discuss this and go into more about peer pressure and how this can in a why affect how we see and act on sexual behavior but also how we talk about it with each other and openly within the society."

Dudley felt relived the class was over and he had survived "Oh and Mr. Dursley would you stay back for a few minutes I have something I would want to discuss with you privately" crap he knew he shouldn´t have stated the view on the subject as strongly as he did.

Well she didn´t know anything so he could just sit there and nod until she let him go, it was a solid plan. Tracy whined about how unfair life was because now she had to go to the next class all by herself. Ms. Snowden had at least saved him a few minutes of peace he guessed that was something to be grateful for.

The door to the classroom slowly closed behind Tracy and Ms. Snowden came to sit on the chair she had just left "So Dudley" Ms. Sowden said not unkindly.

He was looking anywhere but at her at the moment and just said "yea" he had a bad feeling about this. He felt naked under her gaze like she was able to see right through him and into his soul and reveal all his darkest secrets.

"You remind me very much about a young me you know" this startled Dudley a bit and he chanced a glance at his teacher. She was showing a lot of compassion and understanding just by her posture and the way she was studying him.

Dudley didn´t say anything, he was afraid he would let something slip if he opened his mouth. Or did she already know, but how could she? Dread was slowly creeping up Dudley´s spine. It felt like a cannonball had just hit the walls he had built and he had to do something before it would all be falling in and the real him would be left buried in the ruins.

Ms. Snowden gave him a small smile before she continued and there was nothing else for Dudley to do then sit there and listen to his world falling apart. "You know I was scared and introverted too, I even bullied people because I thought it would be easier to be hated for something I did then be hated for being who I really was" she looked at Dudley with something aching to pity now "the worst is when you think you are not worth it, the real you are not good enough, you start to hate yourself as much as you believe people will hate the real you if they knew your secret" Dudley couldn´t help it he was shaking, it was scary how her words was like taken from his mind.

Ms. Snowden took his hand between hers "I didn´t have anyone back then and I lived a lie for so many years, it isn´t worth it Dudley, and whatever nightmare you think will happen is not worse than being stuck inside your own maze with thorns of lies and believes that aren´t your own."

Dudley wanted to scream that she didn´t know, she couldn´t possible know what would happen and what his life would become if it came out. But she seemed to know how it felt to be stuck, to not let yourself live, to just be a puppet to other people's expectations of you and their dreams and desires.

What Dudley wanted to do next and what he actually did was two completely different things. He wanted to break down and let Ms. Snowden comfort him because she was right and holding who he was and what he felt inside was already eating him up and hurting more than he ever thought it would.

What he did on the other hand was drawing his hand back like if he had been burned. He stood up and stormed out of her classroom not looking back, Ms. Snowden didn´t try to stop him anyway. He didn´t do what he wanted but he did do what he needed, he had to escape. The truth had caught up to him.

If this was reality before people knew his secret he couldn´t even imagine the nightmare his life would turn into if people ever found out.