Silence!
They won't stop talking
Am I strong enough to ignore them
Silence is all I wanted
Always saves me when I feel like falling*
She keeps seeing the words across the irritatingly white screen in front of her eyes: "On my way". She remembers how her heart swelled with relief when reading them. She remembers the sound of Santana's phone crashing to the floor while uttering the words "Quinn's in the hospital" only minutes later. She remembers Finn telling her that "Rachel, we have to start or else we'll lose our spot" and remembers wanting to answer. She remembers wanting to ask him if he was being serious. But she had no words. No words left.
Instead, she took her daddy's car keys from the table and ran outside, her fathers hot on her heels. She remembers seeing Brittany and Santana getting into a car and speeding off, remembers Sue, of all people, scrambling into the car with her. She remembers her dress getting in the way multiple times before she finally managed to hit the paddles, her shoes long forgotten at her dad's feet.
There's something, everyone has something that might take them up to that edge.
Mr. Schuester's words are ringing in her ears. She honestly never thought that anything could destroy her strength of will. But, Rachel has found that something. The guilt weighing on her shoulders is the straw – it feels so much heavier, more like a whole building – that breaks the camel's back. The utter devastation on top of it is just…unbearable.
She has to correct Mr. Schuester though. Rachel doesn't think ending her life would make any difference. She knows she'd only hurt more people in the process. But she knows, she just knows that something inside her shattered the minute they got to the hospital and heard the details about what happened. Something inside her broke and she doesn't know if it can ever be repaired again.
She spent all weekend in the hospital, only changing out of the dress – God, the dress had felt like acid being poured all over her skin, but she deserved that reminder, didn't she? – when Kurt and Mercedes dragged her to the bathroom.
When she had to return back home last night, she prepared everything for the school day to come. She used every break between classes that morning and, by the time school is over, she had resigned from every single club she was in – except Glee.
As she walks towards the choir room, letter in hand, she glances at the clock one more time. She is early; it will be easier this way.
But, when she steps into the choir room, Mr. Schue isn't the only one already there (she's surprised he's early in the first place, she was going to leave the letter on the piano for him); Finn is there, too.
She takes a deep breath as she steps towards the piano and hands her teacher the letter. She's almost out the door when he speaks up.
"Rachel, what is this?"
She turns around but doesn't say anything. She hasn't said a word since she heard Santana's phone crash to the ground right next to her. Instead, she hangs her head a little and stares down at her feet.
"Rachel, we don't want you to leave Glee. No one is blaming you for this! Maybe you should see Ms. Pillsbury for a while."
"You're leaving Glee club?" She flinches back at Finn's outburst. When she turns around again, desperate to get out of the room (preferably before the rest of the Gleeks turn up), she feels a hand wrap around her wrist and spin her around.
"This has to stop, Rachel. You haven't talked to me at all since you walked out on me – on our wedding. Not one word."
When she still doesn't say anything, she feels his grip tighten slightly, bordering on uncomfortable.
"Just talk to me, Rach!" He's so loud – too loud. It makes her head feel like it's exploding.
"Hands off, Finnept!" She flinches again when she hears Santana speak up right behind her. Yet another person she can't bear to look in the eyes.
"Santana, for once just stay out of –"
"I said hands off, Finncompetent. NOW!"
She feels his grip loosen and, then, his hand leaves her wrist completely. She slowly steps back. She just wants to leave already.
"Rach, why are you doing this?" She looks up at him but doesn't reply. "You haven't responded to and of my texts or calls –" (she doesn't even know where her phone is, doesn't want to either) " – you won't even talk to me in person. I feel like you don't even want to be with me anymore!"
More of their friends are starting to shuffle in and Rachel shakes her head slightly. She just wants to get out of here!
"Are you breaking up with me?" She has no idea how he got that idea from a few days of silence but as she hears the words echo through the room and feels everyone's eyes trained on her, she finds that she simply doesn't care anymore. She doesn't care about any of this.
So, she simply nods and turns to leave – again.
"You can't just break up with me like that. We were supposed to get married, for Christ's sake!"
Rachel can feel hot tears burn trails down her cheeks at the thought of what should have been the happiest day of her life and turned out to be the most devastating instead.
"God, can you be any more selfish, you giant, useless oaf? She can and she just did. So, just back the hell off, Finnacceptable!"
"Rach –"
"Shut up already! Berry and I are going to the hospital. Britts, you coming?" Rachel sees the blonde nod and stand up from where she had just taken a seat as she feels Santana's arm over her shoulder, leading her out of the choir room – finally. She felt like she could breathe again, even if just for a second.
She doesn't quite remember anything after being dragged from the choir room. She's sitting in the hallway in the ICU across from Quinn's hospital room, with Santana and Brittany surprisingly to her left and right. They're talking at her but she wished they'd just disappear. She doesn't even really hear them anyway. She wonders whether they're actually talking to her or to each other.
"Rachel?"
"Berry!"
"San, why hasn't Rachel been talking? Is she okay?"
"Berry, are you even listening to us?"
Okay, so they are talking to her, mostly.
Quinn still hasn't woken up from surgery and, at this point, she has started preparing herself that it might not happen at all. She might never see those hazel eyes again, staring at her intensely.
Quinn has been allowed visitors since this morning and her mom is with her most of the time. She wonders why Santana and Brittany haven't gone in. She knows why she hasn't. She doesn't know what Quinn looks like right now. The doctors told them that the truck crashed into the driver's side. She doesn't want to forget what Quinn looked like before this. She doesn't want the image of a bruised and wounded Quinn to be how she remembers her if she doesn't wake up.
"Come on, Berry. Let's go in. Judy just told us she's off to get some coffee and that we can go in if we want to see her."
She doesn't look up, doesn't know how to ever look the two cheerleaders in the eyes ever again with their best friend still unconscious. She simply shakes her head, feeling a new wave of tears slowly trail down her cheeks.
She hears the Latina sigh and getting up. "Come on Britt, let's go inside for a bit, okay? I know Quinn will love that you brought Mr. Duck for her." She only now notices the stuffed duck in the blonde's lap, pale hands (so much like Quinn's) clutching it tightly.
"We'll be back in a while. Don't go anywhere, okay?" She wonders if Santana has ever spoken to her so kindly, wonders why this would be the moment to start. But she only nods. She wouldn't know where to go anyway.
She doesn't really have anywhere to go. At home, her fathers are watching her every move, looking at her pityingly. She can barely stand being near them. She can't go to any friends – she's not even all that sure she has any real ones, maybe Kurt – and she definitely can't go to Finn either. She's never quite felt this alone.
She sees Ms. Fabray walking towards her, coffee in hand, when the doctor stops the older woman. "Ms. Fabray?"
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to talk to you about your daughter's condition yet. I was in the OR. My nurses must have mostly filled you in but there's one more thing I wanted to talk to you about personally."
She can see the woman swallow, probably aware that she's going to be hit with yet more bad news. "Of course, I'm listening."
"As you are probably aware, your daughter has suffered a lot of fractures, specifically to her ribs and her left arm. Of course, those will all heal with time. However, I must inform you that her spinal cord was also injured in the accident and I was unable to fix the damage during surgery without further risking her life."
Rachel freezes. She knows what the doctor is saying. She's also quite sure that Judy knows what he is saying even though she still presses out a "what are you saying, Dr. Collins?"
"If your daughter wakes up Ms. Fabray –"
"When, Dr. Collins. When my daughter wakes up." She wish she'd have an ounce of the faith that Ms. Fabray has. Maybe it isn't faith though. Maybe it simply sheer desperation. Maybe it is her knowing that she wouldn't be able to deal with the other option.
"Of course," he tells her, sadness clouding his face. "Should she wake up, she will not be able to use her legs anymore. I'm sorry to inform you that your daughter Quinn is paralyzed."
Quinn is paralyzed.
She hears is ringing through her head along with the words "on my way" constantly flashing before her eyes. She feels hot tears run down her cheeks, and her breath start to quicken, feels a scream forming in her throat but all that makes it out of her mouth is a pathetically small whimper instead.
She did this. She did this to Quinn. She wanted to get married (technically she didn't really want to, it felt so wrong in so many ways but she's Rachel Berry, she doesn't back out) and she wanted Quinn there. She's the reason Quinn will never walk again. She's the reason Quinn will never have a reason to wear that Cheerios uniform again. Quinn will never dance again, never invade her personal space again to glare down at her.
Quinn is paralyzed.
"Berry! Rachel!"
"San, she's scaring me. What's happening?"
"Rachel? Can you hear me?" She sees more than feels the Latina's tan hands grip her own that are desperately holding onto the side of her chair. Her ears are ringing; her body has started shaking all over.
Quinn is paralyzed.
"Rachel, you need to breathe! Look at me, damnit!"
She feels the Latina's hands tighten around hers but her gaze shifts away from her as Rachel notices the older Fabray sit in a chair not far from her own.
"Judy, what is happening? Did Finn do this? Was he here while we were in Quinn's room?"
Quinn. Quinn is paralyzed.
Rachel can feel every single muscle in her body, everything is aching. She can feel her lungs strain against her ribcage as she tries desperately to take deeper breaths but all that comes out are choked sobs and whimpers.
She doesn't expect the older blonde to answer and technically she doesn't. "My daughter will never walk again."
She feels the grip on her hands loosen slightly before tightening.
"No!" Brittany must have started crying instantly. Rachel can relate. What else is there to do? The Latina in front of her hasn't said a word though. She hears the girl in front of her take a deep breath. Then another. And another.
"Rachel, you need to calm down, okay? It's gonna be fine. No one is blaming you for this!" She has no idea how Santana is even able to talk right now. Her voice sounds strained and forced.
"We're not blaming you!"
She doesn't believe her. But to Rachel it doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't matter whether they are blaming her or not. She is blaming herself.
As Brittany starts joining in and sits down next to her, putting a hand on her thigh in what was probably supposed to be a calming gesture, Rachel has had enough. She needs them to stop talking. She wants to yell at them to just stop but no words are coming out.
So she does the only thing she can do. She stands up and she leaves. She walks away.
Quinn is paralyzed.
This is going nowhere
This is far too much
For my heart to take it
Sometimes I'm losing touch
With this world I'm living in
But I keep on fighting
To be the one I've been before
To be me again*
*5Bugs - Inside of Me (German Alternative Rock band. They're awesome. If you like that kind of music, you should check them out :D)
Alright, I promised the Faberry fans from "Out of Reach" I'd be back with more Faberry, didn't I? So, here we go. I'm aware that "High Enough" isn't complete yet but this is a surprise for my best friend, so don't be mad :) I'm just going to say this once now and warn you. Quinn will NOT walk again in this story. Anyway, let me know what you think and whether you think this is worth continuing. I hope some of my old readers have found their way back :)
Kisses from Germany!