Disclaimer: I don't own ASOIAF and I make no profit writing fanfiction about it.

(AN): Since I hadn't even started chapter seven, I just decided to type up a few hundred words of 'new content' to justify this as a posted chapter since FFnet doesn't actually allow for AN chapters and notices to be posted per the rules.

Joffrey

The sound of knuckles rapping against the bedchamber's door roused him, his blue eyes fluttering open only to be greeted by a soft sheet of red gold.

"Damn busybodies." The Heir to Storm's End grumbled, resisting the urge to bury his face back in his wife's hair. "Couldn't let us get moving on their own time, could they?"

Sansa just hummed sleepily, snuggling deeper beneath the coverlet and leaving her new husband to deal with whatever servant had decided to bother them at the asscrack of dawn. How lucky for her to have such a gallant newlywed spouse he mused, pressing a soft kiss to the back on one naked white shoulder.

Or perhaps it was simply that Joff himself had locked the door on account of not wanting anyone else to see his wife's naked arse and teats.

The knock sounded again, louder and more insistently, and Sansa groaned into the pillow. "Joff…"

"I know." He chuckled, throwing back the covers and rising to his feet. "Give me a moment."

It took him half a breath to find the bundled-up sheet they'd tossed on the floor, its white spread stained with the proof of Sansa's maidenhood, and then he strode towards the door.

Towering above six feet and muscled like a maiden's fantasy, Joffrey felt no shame in his nakedness as he wrenched open the door to glare at one of his mother's cosseted handmaidens.

"Here." He smirked, cocking an eyebrow as the woman's gaze automatically dropped down to his freely swinging manhood. "Now get out of here." And then he slammed the door in her face.

No doubt his mother would have words for him in a few hours, but at that moment Joff couldn't give a rat's arse. He had a beautiful wife who he loved waiting for him in their bed, and now that the servants had woken him up looking for evidence of their coupling his blood was up.

Let all the crones and stuffy old lords cluck around the dining table. He rather had a different feast in mind to break his fast with.

(AN): This one ends at exactly 350 words, with a presumed Joffrey/Sansa lemon. I didn't plan for that, but that's where it started to go I suppose.

Regardless, as you've probably clued in based on the Past The Desert Wind AN, I've abandoned this particular fic series. I did that essentially for the reasons listed in that first AN (lack of interest in the character as originally conceived, lack of interest in the pairings, lack of interest in the plots and tropes I was using, ect). I don't think Wildfire would have been bad in the overall context of ASOIAF fanfics, and if I ever do come back to writing within the fandom I will probably use some of the plot points I originally planned for it.

Anyway, I'll drop all I can remember of the original plotlines, with a specific format as request by mywishingglass for the laughs. Bonus points for those who clue into the keks, and remember these are no particular order (just as I remember them):

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Rhaegar begin a conquest of the Free Cities.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE an in general Targaryen power wankfest.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Robb, sane!Joffrey, and Aegon form a political power bloc that steers the fate of the Seven Kingdoms.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Rhaegar be assassinated by the Faceless Men.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Elia birth dragons by burning herself alive on Rhaegar's pyre in her grief.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Aegon, Daenerys, and Rhaenys form a reborn triad of the original three conquerors of the Seven Kingdoms.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE the Greyjoy Rebellion while the Seven Kingdoms are conquering the Stepstones under Rhaegar.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Robert and Ned die fighting in the Stepstones, slain by the Greyjoys.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Theon and Asha swear loyalty to the Targaryens and defeat the rest of the Greyjoys in the Stepstones.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Theon and Ashara reconquer the Iron Islands and enact Quellon's desired golden age.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Robb Stark become hardened by the death of his father and transform into a politically astute and ruthless Hand of the King.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Ned dying right on top of his son defending him from Euron Greyjoy.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Renly Baratheon and Loras Tyrell become skilled warriors of the Kingsguard.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE the Targaryens and their reborn dragons burn Braavos and demand the submission of western Essos.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Aegon reclaim Blackfyre from the Golden Company.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Viserys throw himself upon Blackfyre (and die) to transform it into Lightbringer while at the Wall in order to forge it into a weapon against the Others.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Maester Aemon give Dark Sister to Rhaenys.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Daenerys rule behind the throne in King's Landing as a politically astute wife of King Aegon the Sixth.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Robb Stark deflower Margaery Tyrell, and then have Margaery wield said dishonor before all the Lords of the Reach to force her father to consent to the marriage.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Jon Snow and Robb Stark have an epic bromance for the ages wherein Jon becomes one of Robb's bannermen.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE Ashara Dayne confirmed as Jon's mother who had to give him up for reasons I hadn't quite decided upon yet.