Remapping the History of You and Me

Chapter 3: His

~o~

It was after midnight when the group bid their farewells to each other, with the newly engaged couple, Duo and Hilde, telling Relena that she'd be the maid of honor, while Heero would be the best man, taking "No" for an answer. Embraces were exchanged and promises were made to have a reunion again soon, with Wufei and Sally in the guest list.

Heero was driving them both back to Relena's rest house. After Sanc was attacked during the Eve Wars, the Sanc Kingdom had only been restored as a heritage and tourist site in the country. However, Relena continued visiting when she wanted to unwind and to still get to know her birth place's culture and customs.

Windows were rolled down from the pink convertible car of Relena, letting the cool breeze ruffle their hair, supplementing the blissful feeling brought about by the reunion with their friends. It had been a while since they had that kind of respite from work. The radio was turned on and Relena hummed to the song, sometimes singing along to the lyrics as she tapped her fingers right on cue against the car door. Seeing everyone again, telling stories, and laughing along with everyone, the day had been great despite the part of reliving the memories of war again. But they were still good. They were survivors.

"That was the first time I ever saw a proposal. I never thought that Duo would propose tonight!" said Relena, initiating the first conservation since the drive began. "Well, it's bound to happen, but still. It was so romantic. Did you see how Hilde tried to stop her tears but they just won't stop?"

Herro nodded. "There's no other woman who can best hold Duo by the neck."

Relena laughed, "You're right. They're perfect for each other. Oh – Can you pull over for a while?"

Heero briefly looked at her line of sight and saw the beach. Acquiescing, they got off the main road and drove by the shore. As soon as the car stopped, Relena immediately removed her heels and jumped out of the vehicle. The princess dug her toes unto the fine grain white sand just when the seawater reached the shore, soaking her ankles and dress, making her yelp at the cold water, but still enjoying the respite. She wrapped her arms around herself, looking at the horizon where the dark ocean reflected the full moon against the backdrop of a star-filled dark sky. Perfect.

Wondering where her companion was, she removed her attention from the horizon and turned to her right, just when the sound of the car's engine faded and heard his light footsteps against the sand. There he was – barefoot, holding his jacket over his shoulder, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, hair was windswept, and his Prussian blue eyes were fixed on hers. Even more perfect.

It was not the first time that Heero had seen Relena dressed up for an occasion, and she did not even need to be dressed so fancily to be noticed. Heck, when they had their first dance eleven years ago, she was just wearing their school uniform; yet, she was still the center of attention. But tonight? It was probably the moon or the afterglow of their party or Duo and Hilde's engagement; no matter the reason, Relena was radiant – standing tall, her head tilted up to the sky, revealing her slender neck and graceful form, with a contented smile on her face. He was arrested at the sight of her that it surprised him when her eyes suddenly sought his. As they stood there, locked in each other's gaze, he could not find a word to describe the feeling in his chest. He only knew, he only felt, that this, this was a kind of peace he would like to have – forever.

"Come over here," invited Relena, "The view's beautiful."

Without taking his eyes off her, he agreed, "It is."

They stood there in peaceful silence for a couple of minutes, soaking in the cool breeze, taking in the salty scent of the ocean, digging their toes into the sand, finding solace in each other's company.

"Ah, a shooting star! Heero, make a wish," exclaimed Relena.

A bemused expression crossed Heero's face. He had never made a wish before; had never yearned for anything so badly in the past. He was about to say something when Relena briefly closed her eyes and clasped her hands as if praying. After a few good seconds, she opened her eyes. "You know, the last time I saw a shooting star was on the day we first met."

"That sounded like a bad omen." Seeing a shooting star and then meeting him washed up on the shore? That must have been a cursed shooting star.

"Not entirely. Did you make a wish?" asked Relena. The happiness brought on by their reunion still apparent in her; she was glowing.

"Not entirely," he mimicked.

"Heero, you don't make a half-wish or something. It's just either you want it or you don't." She patted him on the shoulder. "Thanks for this stopover; I just missed the sea. Kinda reminded me of our place in Japan. Let's go home?"

Relena passed by him and was headed for the car until he called her. "Relena."

"Yes?" she half-turned, patiently waiting for what he had to say.

"How long have you been taking the drugs?"

There were lots of things that Heero regretted in his lifetime, and with the way Relena's face fell, wiping off the happiness that radiated from her, he mentally kicked himself. However this was not the time to ignore the matter; this was the only chance he had before Relena succumbed to her own nightmares again.

"How…?"

"I saw them last night. On your bedside table."

"Goddamn it," she hissed under her breath. Relena never cursed.

"How long?"

"It's personal."

"Tell me."

"None of my personal matters should concern you," she focused her attention on the beach and the sound of the waves crashing. Relena had never been intentionally rude to him nor to anyone, but she had never been this defensive either. She was suddenly building walls around her, not letting him in. And it unsettled him, another emotion that he still could not get a grip on.

"Your personal and public matters are blurred when it's about your safety."

"Don't use semantics on me. I don't recall the Preventer Code having a clause on protecting the Vice Foreign Minister by knowing what she ingests."

"Then maybe I'm not talking as a Preventer," he paused for a while, testing the words, "I'm talking as a great friend of yours, as you say."

Heero may be a man of limited words, but when provoked, he did a damn great job of playing with it to his advantage. "Can a friend not know these kinds of things?"

He was trying; she knew he was. Despite her own efforts to protect herself, her resolve softened at his efforts to connect to someone. He had been open lately, talking about his past, his parents, his memories or what was left of it. If he was trying to be a good friend, Relena had no reason not to acquiesce.

"I just can't sleep well, okay?" she conceded, exhaling heavily.

"How long have been taking them?"

"Four years."

"Who prescribed them?"

"What do you want from me? It's like you've figured out everything already."

"Not until you tell me."

Relana took a deep breath and bit her lip, contemplating what to say. After a few seconds, she sat down on the sand and hugged her knees to her chest. "It was through Sally. I didn't want to worry anyone, nor for my… condition to reach the press, so I had a couple of online consultations with a doctor she recommended."

Heero sat down, as well, and wrapped his jacket around her. He was sure the open back of her dress would give her pneumonia tomorrow. "But the dosages…."

"I increased the dosage when… when the dreams are… when I can still see and remember the dreams." She dug her toes onto the sand, and placed her chin on her knees. "I'm a wreck, Heero. I haven't had a good night's sleep since, since…" She closed her eyes, exhaling hard, then opening them again. She didn't have to continue; he already knew. "When I dream, when I close my eyes, when the night closes in, I dream of my fathers. My real father and the man who adopted me. I see their deaths. I see their suffering while I just stand on a corner, unable to do anything. I see my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, dying with a gunshot to the head and to her chest. That's why I've hated reading those books. I see them so vividly in my dreams. And then I hear the mother who adopted me, crying every night since the day father died. I hear her plea and cry her heart out when she tried to stop me from going to Sanc when I still wanted to restore the Sanc Kingdom. I see the people of Sanc Kingdom fearing for their lives as they fell into anarchy. I hear the screaming. So much screaming. I see their faces the day I announced that I will not take on the name of Peacecraft, nor will I restore the monarchy. I am so damn afraid of the sound of sirens and I despise the sight of fire." She paused for a while, the sound of crashing waves filling the silence. "I just wanted them to all go away," she then whispered.

"That's why I envy you a lot. I'm not like you. You're so… strong," she blinked a couple of times, trying to force back the tears that had formed in her eyes. And then she turned to him, speaking softly, "I can't close off my emotions like you do. I can't. I wanted to. I heard that during the medical examination, you didn't need any of the drugs because you have been well-trained for it. How do you do it? How do you close off the dreams?"

"It isn't easy as you imagined it to be," answered Heero in a heartbeat. Was this right time to tell her he had been dreamless all his life? "I may not have the dreams that you encounter every night, but I've had my fair share of horrors. Don't ever envy someone like me, or what I've been through. I'm not strong because I wanted to be, but because I had to be."

"You had to be…" repeated Relena, laying her cheek on her knees and watched him. "Did something happen?"

Heero bent one of his knees and placed his arm over it. He was silent for a couple of minutes before breathing heavily and speaking out, "When I was sent to my first missions after years of training under Dr. J., I was everywhere. I took on missions and it was the most exhilarating feeling. I was winning every battle. I was young. I was fearless. I was invincible." He then looked at Relena straight in the eyes, "I had nothing to lose."

Relena shivered at his stoic gaze. She felt it. That whatever story Heero was about to tell, it was a big deal for him. So she said nothing and let him continue.

The Preventer Agent turned to look back at the horizon,"Then one day I planted bombs in one of the largest bases of the Alliance. I lied on the grass when I jumped over the fence, ecstatic that the base will be blowing up soon. Another completed mission for me. Then there was this little girl, who asked if I was lost. I had no idea who she was, or why was she talking to a stranger like me, but I still told her I had been lost all my life. She was walking her dog that time, whose name was Mary. Before they left, the dog jumped on my thigh, playfully wagging its tail, and the girl gave me a flower. It was the first time that someone had ever been kind to me. And also the first time someone talked to me without any prejudice or fear. In that brief moment, I was reminded of why I agreed to be a weapon of destruction. So I can destroy the Alliance to put an end to the Colonies' suffering, so the people can continue living with smiles on their faces.

"That night, I detonated the bombs and the whole base exploded as planned. But…" Heero swallowed, his brows furrowing at the memory. "One of the mobile suits fell against a condominium, and… I … I tried to stop it. But it was too late. The flames already reached the village. So much innocent people were screaming and scrambling for their lives, while I just stood there, holding the flower the girl gave. When morning came, I walked through the burned buildings and people. They were all dead. Because of me. And then I saw Mary lying lifeless on the ground. I dug a grave for her with my own hands. I never saw the little girl again. I never even knew her name. I repaid her kindness with her death.

After that, I overheard Dekim Barton order Dr. J to retrain me. That having emotions would only weaken the weapon. That allowing room for emotions can be a great weakness in the battlefield. That was their reason." Heero ran a hand through his hair. "But I still agreed. I did not even need to be told. I closed myself off willingly and had undergone training once more. The first few days were the hardest. I could still hear the screaming and I couldn't remove the stench of blood in my hands. I wanted them to go away, so I allowed Dr. J to do the changes that had to be done. I trained for it. And I had been dreamless ever since."

"Not even once?"

"Sometimes when I do dream, I always dream of that day. The girl and the dog…. I kill the girl and her dog endlessly. Nothing more. "

"Heero…"

"Don't," he warned. "Don't look at me like that."

"I should say the same to you," she answered back, well-aware of how he looked at her the same way a couple of minutes ago when she was the one talking. "I can't help it. You…"

"I'm not worth it," he said, cutting her off, lifting his hand to wipe the tear that had fallen from her eye, the same way he did when he first threatened to kill her. "Don't cry," he implored, "I'm not worth your tears."

Relena held his trembling hand and touched his palm to her cheek just when a new set of tears fell from her eyes. "You are," she whispered. "You are," she repeated for good measure. As soon as she said it, Heero's own tears came out.

Heero remained seated as Relena stood on her knees and embraced him. The Perfect Soldier didn't even know he was shaking, he wasn't even aware that he was crying, not until he felt her warmth as she wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders and neck, and rested her cheek on his head, tears flowing unstoppably. She cried for the young Heero, the boy who only wanted to free the Colonies. Her heart broke for the boy who never wanted to take the lives of the innocent. And she sobbed for the Heero now, who was still reliving the horrors of his past, and blaming himself for it.

Heero wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her even closer against him; his face pressed against her stomach, and let his own tears flow. He gripped the fabric of Relena's dress tightly underneath his jacket as the constricting pain in his chest urged release. It wasn't enough. It hurt. It hurt way too much. Heero choked on a sob, letting everything out, while Relena kissed the top of his head and held him. And he let her. For the first time in his life, he wanted to be held. Are all embraces this warm? This kind? This comforting?

They embraced each other for like an eternity. Relena waited until Heero's shaking had ceased before pulling away to wipe the Perfect Soldier's tear-stained face. "It wasn't your fault," she said.

He was about to say something, but Relena placed a finger to his lips. "It wasn't your fault. It was an accident." She sat on her knees so they were on the same level. "That little girl would never have blamed you, Heero. The Alliance would have already seized them as prisoners, as well; and that's not living."

"Don't. Don't make excuses for me."

Relena shook her head. "What you did could never be undone. But it was never your intention to harm the innocent willingly. You atoned for your faults by protecting more than the lives you have taken, intentional or not, and that's an honourable thing."

Relena took Heero's hands in hers, and she kissed the scars on his wrist. "These hands? These hands have saved more lives than they had taken. These hands were the same pair that blew that falling piece of Libra on Earth, the same hands that danced with me, the same hands that always pulled me out of danger."

She then placed a finger on his temple. "This head? This head houses the best mind that had produced the best battle strategies, codes, and scripts that have benefitted the good more than the bad."

Relena moved her hands down to press against his shoulders. "These shoulders? These shoulders carried the burden of the universe so that other lives would be spared."

Moving one of her hands further down, Relena placed her palm against his chest, feeling the rapid beating of his heart. "And this heart?" Relena's voice was shaking, her tears falling again. "This heart was the biggest heart in the universe. This heart loved the Colonies so much; he didn't care what happened to him, as long as they would be freed from the Alliance. This heart was so big that it hurt him when he hurt others, so he closed himself off. This heart was the most selfless I've ever known, for he only knew how to give and never ask anything in return – even forgiveness, from others and from himself. This heart deserved all the love in the world. This heart was worth every single tear."

And then he kissed her. In a heartbeat, Heero's hand reached the back of Relena's neck and pulled her to him, meeting her lips with his. His other hand held her hand that was on his chest. He kissed her with everything he had. The emotions. The emotions were just too much. So he held on to her – his humanity, his saving grace. Heero pulled Relena onto his lap, kissing her as their tears mixed. He coaxed her lips open, giving more of himself to her. Relena consented, parting her lips to let him in, accepting what he was giving her as she held on to his shoulders, willing to share his pain.

"Heero," Relena breathed. Heero kissed her again, like he would stop breathing if he stopped kissing her.

When they had both parted for air, Heero pressed his forehead against hers as they both tried to catch their breaths. He then moved and planted a long kiss on her forehead. "I've never told anyone about this," he finally said.

Relena touched his cheeks with her fingertips, "How do you feel now that you have?"

"Like a thorn has been pulled out of my chest," Heero traced the edges of Relena's lower lip with his thumb, "You… you've always cared."

"I meant what I said. About your everything, especially your heart. There's nothing not to love."

The Perfect Soldier gasped, and Relena recoiled, blushing at the confession. "I'm sorry, I mean you-"

"I'm not taking any apologies from you," he cut her off, and planting a chaste kiss on her lips. "Say it again," he pleaded softly.

The way Heero was looking at her was making her melt. Still penetrating, but gone was the unreadable façade that he had put up. Right now, it was like Relena could really through his soul. The depths of it. So full of emotions she couldn't place.

"There's nothing not to love…" she reiterated, speaking with much conviction. "I love everything about you."

Heero's gaze softened at her words; she almost wanted to cry again. His hand lifted to trace the lines of her tears on her cheeks and wiped the remaining wet spots. Even with swollen eyes and fading makeup, he had never seen anything quite like her in his lifetime. "You are absolutely beautiful… in and out."

"Heero…"

"I…" he began, "I'm not good with words. But I want you to know how much your word, your tears, your laughter, your kindness, your feelings mean to me. I have harmed a lot of people in my lifetime, and you were supposed to be one of them. And yet, you… you had been so forgiving. And had never stopped believing in me. You'll never know how much that meant to me.

"The person who I was before Operation Meteor was a lost boy, who didn't have a name, a past, a future, and anyone." Tears were forming in the Preventer Agent's eyes again, "Last night you asked me why I came after you in Libra." Heero removed the strands of hair from Relena's face that had been blown by the wind, and were tucking them behind her ear. "When Hilde told us that you were in Libra, my body moved on its own accord. The final battle was about to take place, and the only thing I've thought about was to keep you safe. May it be for the future of the Earth Sphere, for Sanc Kingdom, for the people who love you; I just knew I had to. But before I headed to the final battle, when you tried to stop me from fighting your brother, that was when I knew that I wanted to keep you safe… for me. It was the first time I admitted to myself that I didn't want a future – my future – without you in it."

"Heero," said Relena, tears falling again.

"And you have no idea how badly I wanted to kiss you that time."

They lost count of many times they had kissed that night; she was sure as hell getting dizzy in the best way possible. But no matter, they both knew that they were just making up for missed opportunities in the past eleven years.

"Let me go with you," said Heero when he broke the kiss.

"To where?"

"You haven't undergone therapies, haven't you?"

He may have felt a bit better, though not completely, for letting out his own personal past horror, but he was not about to let go of Relena's case to slip from his grasp. Before she recoiled from him again, Heero's hand cupped her cheek to keep her gaze locked on his, "I know about your condition, Relena. It's curable. You don't have to tell anyone else. I can clear up your schedule discreetly, so not even the media and the other Preventers will know."

"Heero, no, really, it's oka…"

He silenced her with a kiss. He was really getting addicted to the taste of her sweet lips. "Let me do this for you. You have done a lot for me, more than you could possibly imagine. I can't just watch and let you face your nightmares alone this time. Please. Let me do this for you." If Relena were to have an episode again like last night, and he would just sit and do nothing, he would be nothing different from the boy he was years ago. It would rip him apart.

"Relena, look at me. I swore to protect you." This time he took her hands with his, willing her to confide in him the same way he did with her in the hopes that they can both heal with time, together. That's what she had given him – hope. "My hands function to hold you. My head only thinks of you. My shoulders are willing to carry your burden. And my heart?" Heero placed her hands against his chest. "This heart beats only for you. Because of you."

"Don't tell me you have a ring prepared, too?" Relena laughed through her tears, elated at Heero's own way of saying what he felt about her, the feeling she never thought would be reciprocated.

"It's too early for that. For us," Heero started to stand up, carrying her in his arms, like a princess that she was. "For tonight I will just hold you until you fall asleep."

"And when I get to sleep."

"I'll have my shift changed," Heero nodded, going back to being a Preventer Agent mode. "What do you say to the therapies?"

"If you can keep it as discreetly as possible."

"I will. Trust me."

"I do. With my life."

For the first time that night, Heero's face lit up with a genuine smile as he walked the back to the car. "Wishes do come true."

"Hm? I thought you only half-wished," Relena cocked her head to the side.

"It's either you want it or you don't. Those were your words."

"And…?" Relena asked, holding her breath for his answer.

"I want you. Completely." He twirled her around at the beach, eliciting screams and laughter from her. Yes. This. This was the peace he aspired. This was the woman he loved. This was the happiness that he would protect for as long he lived.

Later that night as they held each other through the night, Relena fell deeply asleep without taking any medication. And for the first time in his life in two decades, Heero dreamed.

~o~

Author's Note:

I know I'm posting this one day ahead, still, Happy 20th Anniversary, Gundam Wing! :) April 7 marks the the day when Gundam Wing aired its first episode in Japan. And in the series, April 7 is also Relena's birth date and the start of Operation Meteor.

So, I hope that fans are okay with this chapter, considering that there was a lack of it in the previous one. Sorry about that. I just had to make an Interlude with the rest of the guys since this is a commemorative fanfic after all. :) I hope ya'll enjoyed Heero's chapter! I got teary-eyed when I was writing this chapter, so much feels. Lol.

Also, once again I am announcing that Gray02 and I are spearheading a Gundam Wing 20th Anniversary Fanfiction and Fan Art Challenge, titled, "Endless Reflection."

Aside from celebrating GW's anniversary, this Challenge also aims to bring together the fanfiction writers and fan artists of the fandom for a reunion-sort-of-thing. We understand that some have already left the fandom (because life has a way of doing that ^_^), so this will be a one-time thing, especially made for this occasion. Of course, new writers and artists are welcome, too! And lastly, this is also the avenue to just reflect and look back at the good old days when just hearing the intro of Just Communication makes everyone giddy and all pumped up! :)

The Guidelines/Mechanics are now up on Tumblr. Ya'll can check it out by heading over to gwendlessreflectionchallenge dot tumblr dot com. I will be updating the tumblog from time to time for further announcements and fanfiction and fan art entries, so if you have Tumblr accounts, feel free to follow! :) If you have further inquiries, you can send me a private message or an email to gwerchallenge at gmail dot com.

Aside from this site, fanfiction and fan art entries will be hosted in our social media accounts (Tumblr and Twitter) and on DeviantArt. We will also compile all the entries, and will send the PDF copy of the compilation to all the participants and other interested Gundam Wing fans, who would want a copy. Gray02 will take care of the prizes for the winners. Haha. :)

So there, I hope ya'll can participate in this special project for the fandom. Looking forward to your responses! :)