*This is the story that is loosely tied in with my other fic, Letters, somehow. It is probably important to note that I started writing this a long time ago so some of the facts might be off about some of the characters (such as Tobi, which is important later) and I have not kept up with any of the new arcs of the show. Let's just say this takes place soon after Deidara dies (for the first time). Just roll with it, okay?

I would also like to apologize in advance for all the stupid jokes. I think I'm really funny, and that's what matters right?

Chapter I

Hoshigaki Kisame was having a bad week. A very bad week. Firstly, he had managed to get a large, very noticeable bleach stain on his favourite black shirt. Secondly, he had torn the hem of his standard Akatsuki cloak while training with the blond explosion artist. Thirdly, said explosion artist, along with Tobi and his partner's brother, Sasuke, had been erased off the surface of the earth, leaving nothing but a giant crater, two Akatsuki flavoured smudges and a pile of angsty Uchiha ash. The latter of the three being the root of another, larger problem involving his partner, Uchiha Itachi.

Itachi was never one to show any emotion. In fact, he didn't talk much either, so it was hard to tell if something bothered him or not. The problem was just that. It seemed, however hard he tried to hide it, Uchiha Itachi missed Sasuke, or he was at least bothered or frustrated he died or perhaps it was Deidara's or Tobi's death that troubled him. Whichever it was Kisame could tell this because Itachi kept repainting his nails. This fact was small and insignificant, but Itachi was an Uchiha prodigy. Uchiha prodigies don't have to repaint their nails nine times in a row and counting. Each brush stroke was usually calculated and executed perfectly, almost elegantly, never leaving excess paint on the sides of his fingers or bumps with the slick purple polish. That evening, however, he was doing a horrible job. It didn't possess the usual perfection and finesse that nail technicians strive for. Minuscule bumps left on the lustrous surface, paint missing from the sides of some nails and others having small dots and lines left on his pale skin. His cuticles were a mess. He even let a drop slid off the small brush and onto the grey, already stained carpet and the strange thing was he didn't even seem to notice. Itachi would then, with crimson orbs, inspect his mediocre job. It surprised Kisame when a flicker of emotion fluttered across his handsome features, his normally emotionless mouth turned down at the corners. The emotion looked vaguely like disappointment, almost border lining sadness. He would then give a disheartened sigh and reach for the bottle of nail polish remover for the umpteenth time in the last hour.

Kisame left his partner to brood in solitude in the small, stale-aired rec room, closing the door as he left. The Uchiha preferred to be alone anyway, and Kisame had finished the last chapter of his book and the smell of nail polish was starting to give him a headache. Besides, he was hungry. He trundled off to the kitchen to see if there was any dango left in the fridge. He also felt sad Deidara and Tobi had passed on, although he didn't have too much sympathy for Deidara, but he still missed him. He was destined to explode one day or another. After all, his motto was 'Art is an explosion', and artists aspire to become part of their art, don't they? That, at least, was what Kisame thought, although he was not an artistic person himself. Sasori had also become part of his art, and he had departed from this world as well.

Kisame let out a dejected sigh as he shut the fridge door. Someone had already snatched up the last few remaining sticks of dango. He swore they were there that morning and just like that they were gone. 'Just like what happened to Deidara and Tobi…' he thought sadly to himself but quickly recovered, realizing it was no time to dwell on lost comrades. He began setting up the coffee machine, the thought of food forgotten.

After Kisame finished drinking a few cups of strong, surprisingly filling coffee, he ventured back to the room where he presumed Itachi was still compulsively painting and repainting his nails to retrieve his book that he had carelessly left behind. Kisame opened the door to the Akatsuki make-shift living room quietly, not to disturb the already delicate albeit dangerous Uchiha. The acrid smell of nail polish and nail polish remover wafted into the hall, Kisame crinkled his nose.

Itachi was still working at painting his nails, apparently not satisfied with the final product yet. He had migrated from the chair to the floor, which in hindsight should have been Kisame's first clue something was majorly wrong. Before he even spoke, Kisame could tell there was something off about his partner.

"Hey, Kisame..." Itachi slurred. He stood up clumsily, knocking over the small bottle of nail polish letting its contents spill out on to the carpet without a second thought, which only intensified the already robust perfume of chemicals. He wobbled where he stood, then proceeded to lurch towards his partner, almost tripping over the leg of the coffee table. He had never, in all the years he had known him, seen the Uchiha be anything but graceful. What seemed like an eternity passed before Kisame responded.

"Are you okay, Itachi-san?" he questioned, taking a step forward to place a hand on the shoulder of his partner who was teetering back and forth. The answer was obviously 'no.'

"Yes." Glazed ruby eyes jumping around the room but never really focusing on anything. Did his pupils seem huge or was that just because of the less than adequate lighting?

"Itachi-san," Kisame asked slowly, now holding on to both of Itachi's shoulders trying to steady him. "Have you been drinking?" Itachi didn't drink, not that he knew of anyway, but he was certainly acting like he was on the tail end of a bender. If he wasn't drunk, there was definitely something wrong with him. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach when he couldn't see any sign of a glass or even a bottle anywhere in sight.

"Of course not," Itachi mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbed the side of his face. What little colour that was usually in his face was draining fast and he seemed like he might collapse at any second. "I don't feel... well." He didn't look well either. It was time to make an executive decision. If things started going south he knew he wasn't equipped to deal with it. He had zero medical training beyond bandaging and this didn't seem like a bandage kind of problem.

"Itachi-san," Kisame said in his deep, strong voice. Itachi cracked open his eyes and squinted at him, still rubbing his head. His crimson eye's flickered onyx briefly, like someone turning a light off and on quickly. Not good. "You're coming with me. We need to go see Pein," Kisame stated calmly and firmly. This caught his attention and a switch was flipped.

Itachi seemed to regain some strength, pushed him away with surprising force and stumbled back a few feet. He narrowed his eyes. "No." One hand ghosted over where his weapons pouch would have been if they had not left their gear in the training room. Kisame was thankful for that. "I'm not going." The muscles of his forearms twitched as he balled his fists, knuckles white from the pressure.

"You need help," Kisame held up his hands in front of him, reassuring him he was no threat and kept an even, calm tone. "Pein can have a medic look at you."

"No," Itachi repeated but with a weaker voice, taking an awkward step back. "I don't care. Just leave me alone." Another step back, coming dangerously close to tripping over the coffee table again. He clenched his eyes closed again and clutched his head. "Leave me alone..." It seemed like he was in real pain now.

"Itachi..." Kisame almost pleaded. "Either you come with me now or I wait until you pass out." Itachi didn't respond right away, and Kisame was getting ready to rush at him to take him by surprise, but then he nodded. He shuffled back towards him, all the coiled tension left his body. Kisame let out a breath; at least he was cooperating now, but who knew for how long.

"Let's go," The shark man said quickly. Gently, he placed his large blue hand on Itachi's back to coax him in the right direction. The Uchiha seemed docile now and Kisame didn't want to waste any time in case he swung back around to violent.

Just before they stepped out of the threshold of the living room Itachi's eyes faded to black as he plummeted forward. For the hundredth time that day Kisame gave a forlorn sigh, picked up his wasted partner and threw him over his broad shoulder.

This week had taken a nose dive. It was bad enough before but this was just ridiculous. How was he supposed to explain this to Leader-sama? He didn't even know what happened to him. He seemed fine when he left him. Maybe a little strange, but there seemed to be no hints at all from what he could tell. What if he didn't faint but dropped in to a death-like coma? At least he was still breathing, and from what little medical knowledge he possessed he knew that was a good sign.

Kisame hurried across the large complex, taking the fastest way he knew to Peins' office. He didn't spend a great deal of time in the Ame base, but he was fairly confident he was going the right way. He had to stop a few times to make sure Itachi was still breathing and balance him on his shoulder again. Itachi groaned miserably with every jostle, especially going down stairs when his shoulder bounced into his stomach. Carrying Samehada was so much easier than a live person. He had left his great sword in his room while he and Itachi were getting reacquainted with the base that morning, not expecting to be away for more than a few hours. Samehada was not going to be happy with him.

Finally, after getting only a little lost, he reached Pein's office. He knocked hastily and waited for the muffled 'come in' before he entered.

"What is it, Kisame-san?" asked Pein from behind his cluttered desk, not bothering to look up. He looked like he was doing paperwork, or at least trying to. He tapped the end of his pen on his wooded desk impatiently, his head cupped in the palm of his hand, elbow propped up on the edge of his desk staring down at a few sheets of paper. Between the organization and looking after Ame's affairs, he had more than enough to deal with. Kisame advanced toward the desk, Uchiha perched atop his broad shoulder. Pein stopped tapping his pen. "Well?" he demanded. Being the leader of an evil organization isn't all fun and games. No. There are finances and paper work and recruiting and threatening and god know what else. And better yet he haD to deal with silly little problems that popped up everywhere...

"Well, Leader-sama, it seems there is a... situation…" Kisame started searching for the words to explain this predicament.

"Just get to the point. I don't have the time or the patients to…" Pein decided to look up at this point. He wasn't expecting this. Did Itachi die? Was he wounded? "What happened, Kisame-san?"

"There's something wrong with Itachi-san." Kisame responded, not knowing how else to put it.

"I can see that. What is wrong with him?"

"I have no idea. When I found him he seemed delirious, almost like he was drunk, and then he sort of just... passed out. He might have taken something, but I couldn't get him to tell me." He shuffled his feet. "He's still breathing, at least."

"I was afraid something like this would happen. Fortunately, he couldn't have better timing," Pein said as he stood up. Kisame absently wondered what on earth he could mean by that. He's been expecting this? He performed a series of hand seals, a staticy sound followed and then a holographic image of Konan appeared. "Konan, fetch the Kunoichi." The blue haired woman nodded, disappearing as silently as she came.

"Kunoichi?" Kisame questioned.

"Yes. I sent Konan to 'escort' the new medic to our headquarters. She was just about to fill her in on her new role here," Pein explained, sitting back down in his big chair. This sounded vaguely familiar to Kisame. Pein probably mentioned it at one of his long, boring meetings. He crossed his arms, leaned back in to his chair and closed his eyes. "We have been in need of a medic-nin since we lost Kakuzu…"

With that Kisame stood in an uncomfortable silence, adjusting the weight of the Uchiha on his shoulder. The mention of a fallen comrade left no gap for conversation, even if that comrade was a money-grubbing bastard whom nobody really liked.

The silence was broken, well more like shattered, when from down the hall came an awful screeching and thumping, and it was coming closer. Peins eyes snapped back open. Both members looked at the door as it was kicked open violently, probably denting the wall with the force and practically ripping the hinges off the door frame. A fuming Konan stood there with a mess of pink and red thrashing around under her arm. Konan walked briskly up to Pein's desk and promptly dropped the person in front of it and slammed the door on her way out. The thrashing, yelling thing was tied up and gagged, the obvious profanities came out as stifled screams through the cloth. Had he seen this woman before? 'H' something? He was almost sure it had something to do with some kind of flower.

"This," Pein said, standing beside the woman that had stopped her struggling and had become quiet, doing her best to sit up. Konan, when provoked, could tie very tight knots. "Is Haruno Sakura. Medic-nin of Konoha. Prized student of Tsunade, whom Haruno-san has surpassed. Please put Uchiha-san down and Haruno-san will assess." Pein crouched down and untied her gag. Of course when it was removed, Sakura wasn't going to be quiet.

"What the hell are you talking about!?" Sakura bellowed in his face. "I'm not doing anything for… wait. Did you say Uchiha?" Sakura looked up at the towering shark man peering down at her with the limp figure lying across his cloak clad shoulder, then back at the orange haired man kneeling beside her who looked thoroughly unamused. She hadn't realized exactly who she was dealing with. Until now. Her mouth suddenly felt dry.

"I don't believe you understand your position, Haruno-san," His voice underlined with a threat. "You don't have a choice." He didn't have to say more for her to fill In the blanks. Sakura silently weighted her options: help or die, probably tortured for information. 'Hard choice…'

"Fine," Sakura grumbled. If she did this for them would they let her go? Not likely. Maybe she could at least gather some intel on them. Maybe even find possible leads on Sasukes whereabouts. All was not lost. "What do you want me to do anyways? Is he dead? Cuz' I can't do anything about that..."

"No." Pein said, cutting the coarse rope that bound her wrists and ankles with a kunai and rose to his feet. Sakura stood up as gracefully as she could, glaring at Pein. He grimaced. "He seems to be... intoxicated with something."

"Seriously?" Sakura muttered quietly under her breath, rubbing her wrists where the rope chafed her skin. When no one answered her she looked up at Kisame who stood there like a tree, watching her. She tapped her foot impatiently, wanting to get this betrayal over with. "Just put him on the ground already and let me work." Kisame stayed where he was for a few moments for pure intimidation, then set Itachi down as instructed. Sakura knelt beside the Uchiha, going into full medic mode, tying her short pink hair into a pony tail. First, she made sure he was breathing. Check. Pulse? Check. She then looked at his eyes, checking for the obvious blood shot look. "To your knowledge, has Uchiha-san been acting differently lately?" Sakura inquired, rolling up his sleeve to check the crook of his arm for bruising or needle marks.

"No." Kisame said flatly.

"Ok. Has he been taking any illegal substances or prescription medication?" After saying that she wondered if these people would even bother with prescriptions. Where would they get them in the first place?

"No."

"Alcohol?"

"No."

"Cough medicine?" she supplied in a dead-pan. He was being supremely unhelpful. Kisame just stared at her now. He didn't appreciate her grilling him about his partner. How should he know any of this? Couldn't she just do that chakra thing medics were always doing?

"What kind of symptoms was he having?" No answer. "Drowsiness, vomiting, confusion or impaired judgement?" Sakura listed as she counted them off on her fingers. She had no clue what happened and the shark man wasn't helping. She didn't particularly want to probe Itachi with her chakra until it was completely necessary, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of unnecessarily touching the former Konoha-nin. "Do any of those sound familiar?"

"No."

"Hmm… What was he doing last?"

"Painting his nails…" Kisame answered reluctantly, crossing his arms. How could you be a fearsome, deadly organization when you paint your nails? Sakura leaned back on her heels with a puzzled expression on her face, tapping her chin. In any other moment it would have been hilarious, but she was too distracted to pick up on the comedy of the situation.

'How am I going to get out of this…?' The rosette thought as she stood up. It was obviously a long-shot but it was her only lead. "Kisame-san," She asked with a mock-sweet smile and batting her eyelashes; it was worth a shot to see if she could use her seduction tactics on him. "Can you get the nail polish for me, please?" There were more pressing matters at hand than Itachi's mystery ailment; she needed to focus on any opportunity to get out of this mess. At least this would buy her some time to think of a plan. From the look on his face, seduction seemed to be a no-go.

Kisame gave her an incredulous look and then glanced at his leader. She was ordering him around? "Go. Now." Pein commanded, leaving no room for argument. Sending a steely look at the kunoichi, he left the room and wondered when he became an errand boy for a hostage.

Sakura, now alone with the infamous Akatsuki leader and an unconscious Uchiha, was starting to sweat. 'This is hopeless,' she scowled to herself. Sakura had become a formidable kunoichi in recent years, with superior chakra control and excellent taijutsu, but she was in the heart of the Akatsuki secret base. She had no idea how big the compound was, the layout, or how many lethal missing-nins were lurking around. Even disregarding any of the other members, there was no way she could defeat both Pein and Kisame two on one. In normal circumstances one would be trouble enough; this was not a situation she could fight her way out of. She would have to bide her time until there was an opportunity to escape.

Now that he was gone she kind of hoped that Kisame would get back soon with the nail polish. Even if she couldn't seduce him into letting her go, he seemed like he was at his wits end so she could use that to her advantage; goad him into making some kind of mistake so she could make a break for it. She didn't know much about him, other than what she skimmed in the bingo book, but at the moment that seemed like her best bet.

Sakura decided to at least look busy and crouched back down to pretended to take the Uchiha's pulse, musing on how satisfying it would be to jam a pencil into his stupid eye. She glanced at his plalad face and concluded it would not be as satisfying considering he held a close resemblance to his brother. 'Damn those Uchiha's and their undeniable good looks...'

Meanwhile Kisame was walking to the Akatsuki's living room, wondering why he had to fetch the nail polish. When did she get the authority to order him around like that? She was the hostage, wasn't she?

He reached the living room, the small bottle still lying on its side, the purple polish spilt out on the carpet. Picking it up the best he could without getting too much paint on his blue fingers and inspected the small bottle. The inside was coated with a thin layer of semi-dried on polish and a small puddle of the now gloppy liquid dripping down the sides. He supposed that was enough and picked up the small brush that was so carelessly dropped on the floor, screwing it back on the top. It really did reek of nail polish in that small, unventilated room. He decided to hurry back, not because he was worried about it or anything.

For the second time today he entered Pein's office, but this time without the burden of an intoxicated Uchiha on his shoulders. The pink-haired medic was currently kneeling next to Itachi staring blankly at his wrist while she took his pulse. As soon as he came through the door she snatched her hand away from the Sharingan wielder as if he had burned her and jumped to her feet gracefully. And then she just stood there. She just stood there and put her hand out, waiting for him to bring the bottle to her. He had already gone all the way there and back, and she couldn't walk a two feet to meet him? He was not going to fall for her power play because, damnit!, who was the captive here? She was obviously trying to assert some sort of dominance over him. Kisame deliberately stopped a few feet away from her and held the bottle up, giving her a look that he hoped conveyed that he was the one in charge.

"The nail polish?" she challenged, curling her fingers in an impatient come-hither motion and placing the other hand on her hip. He was steadfast, she arced a delicate eyebrow.

"Why don't you come get it, kunoichi?" He shot gruffly, waving it in front of her. She rolled her eyes, he grit his teeth.

"Really? Just bring it here." She said it as if he was the one being difficult. But he was determined to win. Honestly, who did she think she was? He didn't get this far to be bossed around by a little Konoha medic-nin.

Pein observed the two from his desk, neither of them giving an inch of this pathetic contest for control. If he had realized before creating this organization that he would have to deal with this sort of situation he would have thought more about a solo world domination career. His patience wearing thin, he snapped to Sakura, "What are you waiting for Haruno-san? Go. Get. It." With the tone of his voice, all of her bravado melted away and she quickly went to retrieve the aforementioned polish.

Kisame smirked, Sakura glowered.

Sullenly, she inspected the small container. It seemed normal enough, if purple nail polish was normal for criminals. 'Each to their own, I guess,' she considered. She unscrewed the lid and almost gagged at the smell. "Urgh, what kind of nail polish is this?!" She coughed, screwing the lid back on and set it down on the floor next to the still unconscious man. It smelt like something far too toxic to put anywhere close to human skin. She checked her hands for contamination. "Where did he get it? That can't be healthy."

Kisame cleared his throat, "I believe Kakuzu bought it... in bulk... a few years ago." He couldn't believe it, Uchiha Itachi, done in by his own nail polish. Pein just closed his eyes and shook his head, thoroughly unimpressed by the situation.

Sakura snickered as she knelt down again, deciding it was time to take a closer look at her patient. She rubbed her hands together and gently placed them on either side of his head. She needed to check if there was any dangerous levels of toxins in his bloodstream that might have seeped in through his nail beds, but she had a hunch that wasn't it. After a brief check, his blood seemed normal enough and none of his organs showed any overt signs of being poisoned.

"It's just fume inhalation," she stated finally, finally taking her hands off the Uchiha. "How long was he painting his nails for anyway? Don't you guys have anything better to do?" She sounded way too satisfied by this, aggravating both missing-nins. The medic nin crossed her arms, and gave Kisame a mocking look, still trying to get a rise out of him.

Pein scowled, causing Sakura to rein in her glee, but only a bit. "Are you absolutely positive that is what happened?"

"Other than being unconscious, he's perfectly fine," she answered, resisted the strong urge to roll her eyes, "But I would take the polish off his nails sooner rather than later, just to be safe."

"Will he have any lasting effects and what do you need to fix him." He could feel the nagging pain of a headache approaching. He made a mental note to get rid of all nail polish from the compound. Konan, who insisted that it be part of their dress code, would not be pleased.

"Oh, just let him sleep it off in a well ventilated room and give him plenty of fluids when he wakes up. He'll probably have one wicked hangover." She turned to face the leader of the Akatsuki with a cocky smirk, toeing a dangerous line. "Is that all?"

Slowly, the leader opened his eyes and met her confidant sea-green eyes with his purple-grey Rinnengan, maintaining uncomfortable eye contact as he stood. Sakura refused to back down or shrink away as he approached, keeping her back ramrod straight, eyes unblinking, chin lifted. This was no time to show weakness, even if she was just putting on an act. Pein finally came to a hault in front of the medic and towered over her, but Sakura still did not waver. "That will be all." Approval flashed across his face as he turned toward his desk again, impressed by her fortitude. "For today. Kisame-san, escort Haruno-san down to the medic lab. Konan should be there ready to acquaint her to her new surroundings."

"What about Itachi-san?" the shark man fished, trying to find a way out of escort duty, not wanting to spend more time with the vexing kunoichi then he had to. He'd rather deal with the inebriated Uchiha than Sakura. She was sure to strain his already haggard nerves with whatever mind game she was playing. He didn't like mind games. All he wanted to do was go back to his room and read a nice, boring book and try to forget about today. In fact, he wouldn't mind forgetting the whole week.

Pein glanced at Itachi, who was lieing forgotten on the floor, curled up on his side sleeping off the effects of the near toxic fumes. "I'll make arrangements." He then handed Kisame the rope, indicating that he should bind Sakura's wrists again. She frowned at this, but decided that complying would be easier than a dislocated shoulder or two. Kisame tied her hands behind her back with an extra tight knot, much to her chagrin, and pushed her towards the door.

AN: Honestly, I know the whole thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense but I couldn't change it. I tried to make it less ridiculous, and I did for the most part. I'm cursing my 15 year old self for making it so stupid, but I promise it only gets better from here. Thanks for reading all the way though. ;-;