This was inspired by "The Mexican" but there is very little drawn from the actual movie. Here's the Transporter AU I've been talking about on tumblr! I know I should be working on other R27 stories, like My Sempai and Romance Dawn, or my upcoming HP Durmstrang AU or my college essays, but inspiration struck, so yeah… I hope you guys like it! Let me know whether you think I should update this regularly! :)

Chapter 1: People don't like Skull

Don't ask questions. In this business, anyone who did was a dead man, and it was only Skull's immortality that kept him as Reborn's lackey.

Making statements, on the other hand, was perfectly acceptable.

"I'm no kidnapper," Reborn said, regarding the information broker with annoyance.

"Indeed, but you are a transporter and this is a transporting job," Viper replied, sipping her strawberry milk delicately.

"No, this is a kidnapping and then transporting job."

"Look, if this was a regular kidnapping, I would hand it over to Fon and be done with it. But this job requires a more… delicate touch, which is why I called you two in," Viper said.

Skull sniggered. "Are you insinuating that we're more feminine?"

'Amateur,' Reborn thought as he exhaled loudly, not even blinking as a bullet carved its way through his lackey's frontal lobe. Viper, on the other hand, was far more vocal about it.

"Why the hell are you wasting bullets on these two? How many times must I tell you that bullets cost money? Have you no brain, you imbecile?" Viper loudly shouted at her latest 'assistant'.

Colonello frowned as he put his rifle down, the tip of it nudging his feet which rested on the edge of Viper's desk. "You said to shoot anyone in the head if they ask questions."

"Yes, but on Skull it's a wasted effort," Viper snapped, throwing her hands in the air. "Really, do you not pay any attention to what happens in the world outside of your crush?"

Colonello's face slipped into an expression of dumbstruck awe usually associated with any mention of the Interpol agent he was enamoured with. Viper's lips curled downwards as she turned back to the transporters.

"Well, that was a waste of a very expensive bullet," Skull said, rubbing his forehead as he rearranged himself on his seat. "Those are some fancy rounds, Blondie."

Colonello was pulled out of his reverie at the words, and he stared in shock as the guy whose brains should have been splattered on the ash wood floors smirked at him. "But I – I –"

Skull played with the bullet that had exited his head wound as he replied, "I'm immortal, bitch."

"Yes, and I wish the gods would smite your unworthy ass for your blasphemous existence," Viper spat as she tossed Reborn the relevant paperwork for the job.

"Since when are you religious?" the purple-haired transporter shot back.

"Since Verde tried to starve you to death, only for you to revive the moment a little bit of water was poured on you," she responded. "Now, are you two numbskulls going to take this job or not?"

Colonello continued to gape as Reborn reluctantly signed his name on the sparsely-occupied page. "The money is too good to pass up."

Skull scrawled his own name on the contract while Reborn examined the picture of their target. "So, this is the girl that the Millefiore boss is trying to fuck?" He tilted it slightly. "I would do her." His eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "Although that awful sweater will have to go. And someone needs to tell her that that colour combination does not work."

"No one cares," Viper said, "and that's a boy by the way."

Sawada Tsunayoshi was not having a good day. In fact, he might be tempted to say it was a very bad day, but his horoscope said talking about bad luck would invite it upon him, so Tsuna would stick with the first statement.

His not-great day had nothing to do with the usual daily acts of sabotage from his fellow college students, his father's expectedly unexpected disappearance, the bruise on his forehead from when he had slipped on the stairs earlier nor the cancellation of his favourite band's concert. No, all of that was trivial compared to the massive headache sitting in front of him.

"I do not approve of you dating other men, herbivore."

"Kyoya, for the last fucking time, go away," Tsuna replied, rubbing his forehead.

"Language," Hibari Kyoya hissed back, his tonfa appearing on his arm like magic.

"Put your tonfa away before I call… someone. Can we have one civil conversation without you trying to beat me up?" Tsuna asked exasperatedly. He smiled awkwardly at the waitress who placed the cup of coffee in front of him before scurrying away. He didn't blame her: Kyoya was scary.

"Hn," Kyoya replied, his tonfa disappearing again. Tsuna wondered if Kyoya had ever considered being a stage magician.

"Look, Kyoya, we broke up a month ago already—"

"I don't remember that," Kyoya replied blandly.

Tsuna could feel a tick forming on his forehead as he forced himself to smile through his irritation. "Is that so? It involved a lot of screaming, an unconscious gang of thieves, five broken windows, the fire department and Channel 5 News."

Kyoya stared at him coolly. "We are still dating. And I don't approve of you cheating on me."

Tsuna slammed his fist on the table. "Whether you acknowledge it or not, I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"

It was a signed of how fucked up Tsuna's life was that no one in the café looked at him despite his yelling. He needed to find a new coffee place. This one was too used to the song-and-dance of his annoying ex-boyfriends.

"You're disturbing the peace, herbivore," Kyoya said, sipping his oolong tea.

"My date is going to be here soon and I won't let you scare him away like you did the others. Get out of here, Kyoya, before we have another incident."

A brick wall would have given him more of a response. Tsuna growled and reached into his pocket to show Kyoya exactly how serious he was.

"Hey, Tsuna!" a cheerful voice stopped Tsuna mid-reach.

"Dino! Hey!" Tsuna plastered a happy grin on his face as he hugged the blonde newcomer.

"Who's your friend?" Dino asked as he sat down on the table.

Kyoya glared. "Who the hell is this herbivore?"

"Dino Chiavarone, though in the modelling industry they call me the Bucking Bronco," Dino said, extending his hand for a handshake.

"You're cheating on me with a model?" Kyoya growled.

"Whoa, we haven't started to date and I'm already being two-timed?" Dino asked.

"No, Dino, this is my ex, the one I was telling you about," explained Tsuna hurriedly.

"Ah, the guy who can't take a hint." Dino waved his hand at a passing waitress. "Crashing our date is a bit of stalker-ish thing to do, you know."

"You don't know the half of it," Tsuna muttered while Kyoya stood up, brandishing his favourite pair of weapons.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi is mine. Leave and you will remain unharmed."

"One macchiato special and a serving of tiramisu, please," Dino told the server, turning his back to give his order. "Would you like anything else, Tsuna?"

"I'm good, thanks," replied Tsuna.

"That will be all, miss," Dino smiled as he dismissed the girl. He turned forward again and affected a surprised look to see Kyoya standing there seething. "Oh, are you still here? You should put those sticks away before you hurt yourself."

Kyoya lunged forward to hit the blonde, but froze in place as cool metal was pressed against his skull from behind.

"Nice and easy, step away from the boss," an older man said, his partners cocking their guns for extra emphasis.

Kyoya weighed his options while the café continued its normal business. Finally, the political student did as he was told, realising he would never get to all five men in time.

"Good, now let's go for a walk outside," the man continued, manhandling Kyoya until they were out of the door.

"Thanks, Romario!" Dino called out before the door closed.

"These your bodyguards?" Tsuna asked, glancing at the two men who had remained behind. "Seems a little excessive."

Dino laughed. "The way you go on about your exes, I thought I would need them. Looks like I was right." Dino took Tsuna's hand. "Besides, if it means getting a peaceful date with you, then nothing is too excessive."

Tsuna smiled shyly in response. "Sorry about him. He still hasn't come to terms with our break-up."

"He was stupid to push you away in the first place," Dino replied. "I promise not to make the same mistake." He brushed his lips against the Tsuna's knuckles.

The rest of the date went incredibly well, not just due to the lack of any of Tsuna's past flings making a scene. Dino was great company, and if not for his job calling him away, Tsuna would probably have taken him home.

"I'll call you tonight, okay?" Dino said, earnestly gripping Tsuna's hands outside the café's door.

"I look forward to it," Tsuna replied, standing on tiptoes to kiss the blonde gently on the lips. "Bye, Dino. Have fun at work." He waved as he walked away from his awestruck new boyfriend.

Tsuna glanced around as he turned onto the side road that was a shortcut to his family home. It was further away than his apartment, but his mother would keep away his exes, which is what he needed with a new boyfriend and a paper due tomorrow.

He hummed the tune of 'Beauty and the Beast' as he walked, but stopped mid-verse when he felt a sharp prick on the side of his neck. He yanked free the metal sticking out of the spot, noting vaguely that there was blood staining his shirt.

'A dart?' he thought confusedly, before his vision blurred and he fell into darkness.

"The gender-confused mouse is down and available for collection," Reborn said into his Bluetooth headset.

"Harry that," Skull replied, revving his motorcycle's engine.

"For the last time, 'roger' does not refer to a man's name!" snapped Reborn as he took apart his sniper rifle.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… I still don't believe you. Besides, I have a bad relationship with Rogers. They're all bastards who try to kill me."

"Everybody who's been in your company for longer than sixty seconds wants to kill you."

"I know. It's the affliction I must deal with to be this awesome."

Reborn snorted as he hurried down the emergency stairs of the apartment building he had chosen as his waiting spot. His headset crackled back to Skull's annoying voice as he said, "Mouse has been retrieved. Heading to rendezvous, but sad about the bike."

"I don't care."

"Why did this kid have to study all the way in fucking China?"

"Ask him when he wakes up."

"I can't believe we have to drive the entire way back to Milan."

"The thought of being in the car with you for such an extended period of time is revolting enough without you bringing it up every five minutes."

"Hey, I don't want to be stuck with you for so long either!"

"Just get to the car already!"

"But I have one more thing to say!" Skull whined.

"Fine. What?" Reborn growled.

"EURO TRIP~~!"

The line went dead.