We, The Daily Prophet, would like to thank our readers for their tremendous response to our newest advice column, written by two of your favourite love-to-hate-'ems, the former Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle, and the assassin of the Uchiha clan, Uchiha Itachi. We'd also like to remind readers that these two are under a contract and do not reside or work in situ here at the Prophet's headquarters.

Let's get started with our first question of the week!

1. Stain removal; I recently dropped a rather expensive bottle of red wine on my wedding dress. It happened as I had put it on to lament the abandonment I felt over my husband's leaving me for a younger, prettier, thinner witch. I am constantly depressed and spend my days in bed, often not eating or returning my friends' concerned messages. What should I do?

-Loveless in London

LV: Obviously you have sub-par house elves. I would recommend a stiff bludgeoning by fire poker followed by a dunking in vinegar, and a reminder that they are on their last warning. If this does not suffice, I strongly recommend consulting a Death Eater. They are quite creative in developing 'quick fix incentive plans' to motivate house elves and disobedient Mudbloods alike.

IU: Burn the dress. With Amaterasu, if possible. You have no use for it. Kill your ex-husband's family, they produced an inferior specimen.