"DISNEY PRESENTS MARVEL'S: FIFTY SHADES OF WENDY'S BOOBS"

ACT ONE

EXT. THE BIJOU MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

Marvel's "The Cleaning Crew" is listed as 'Now Playing'. The line to see it snakes around the block and is made up of various nerds in homemade costumes. At the front of the line, we see Randy and Sharon Marsh approach Shlomo at the ticket booth. Randy looks depressed.

SHLOMO
I'm guessing two for Marvel's "The Cleaning Crew"? That'll be-

SHARON
No, we're here to see the new Jennifer Lawrence/Bradley Cooper movie, "Sick of Us Yet?".

Randy crosses his arms, looks off to the side, and huffs. Shlomo blinks.

SHLOMO
Seriously?

SHARON
Mm-hm.

Shlomo blinks again, looks at Randy, then back at Sharon.

SHLOMO
Who'd he f-?

SHARON
No one. I just really love Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper.

SHLOMO
Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper are also in Marvel's "The Cleaning Crew".

SHARON
They are?

SHLOMO
They're in every movie playing at this theater.

RANDY
Can we please just see Marvel's "The Cleaning Crew", Sharon? If I don't see it this weekend, I won't have anything to talk about with the guys, cause all their wives are bringing them to see it this weekend, and if I have to wait until next weekend, no one's going to want to talk about it anymore. Please, please.

SHARON
Well, what's it about?

SHLOMO
It's about an eclectic group of misfits who come together to clean up their crime-ridden city.

RANDY
Jennifer Lawrence plays a hermaphroditic mutant with the power to make ordinary people inexplicably fall in love with her for no reason, and Bradley Cooper plays a cgi talking bar stool. It's said to be their best performances yet.

SHARON
Wait, you don't actually get to see Bradley Cooper? Pass. Two tickets for "Sick of Us Yet?", please.

RANDY
Uuuugh! I never get to do anything I want.

Shlomo hands Sharon the tickets and she heads inside. Randy waits for her to move out of earshot, then leans in.

RANDY
Am I at least gonna get to see some tits in this flick, or what?

SHLOMO
You just assume, because I work at the movie theater, that I've seen every movie playing?

RANDY
Yeah.

SHLOMO
You just assume, because I live at the movie theater, that I get all the projectors together after hours and play the naked scenes from all the movies back to back while I jerk it into the popcorn butter machines at all the concession stands?

RANDY
... Yeah.

SHLOMO
Not even a nip-slip.

RANDY
Uuuugh!

Randy puts his hands in his pockets and kicks the dirt.

SHARON (O.S.)
Randy, come on! I don't want to miss the coming attractions.

RANDY (mumbling)
Never get to do anything I want.

Randy drags his feet all the way inside.

INT. MOVIE THEATER

Sharon is already seated. Randy walks down the aisle holding a box of nachos, two sodas, and a medium popcorn. He hands the popcorn and a soda to Sharon as he sits.

SHARON
Aw, you got me popcorn? You're so sweet. Is there butter on this?

RANDY
Yup!

He stuffs his face with nachos as the lights come down.

ON THE SCREEN: A preview plays. Title cards read by a deep-voiced narrator, in order:

NARRATOR (V.O.)
DISNEY!
MARVEL!
(on the screen in ridiculously small print, because there's a thousand movies at this point) From the studio that brought you Iron Man, The Avengers... yada, yada, yada... and Scarlett Johansson in skin-tight leather
DISNEY presents MARVEL'S: The Cleaning Crew

ON THE SCREEN: Hermaphrodite J-Law and CGi Bar Stool Bradley Cooper stand amidst rubble in a large metropolitan city as dire music plays.

HERMAPHRODITE J-LAW (V.O.)
You don't understand. I didn't pick this life. I was chosen. This city needs me.

CGI BAR STOOL BRADLEY COOPER (V.O.)
We've been fighting each other for too long. We need to put aside our differences to defeat that enemy who conveniently plays a large role in each of our backstories.

HERMAPHRODITE J-LAW (V.O.)
I will clean up this city, because this city needs me.

ON THE SCREEN: We pull back to reveal Hermaphrodite J-Law using a broom to sweep while CGi Bar Stool Bradley Cooper uses Windex on a nearby shop window.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
DISNEY and MARVEL'S: The Cleaning Crew! Because, at this point, you morons will pretty much watch anything we slap our logo on, and we know it. Now playing.

Randy stares up at the screen, eyes wide, until the preview ends and the movie starts. He goes back to his nachos.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - MORNING

The school bell rings.

INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING

Mr. Garrison's fourth grade class settles in at their desks, with one notable absence; Wendy Testaburger.

CARTMAN (to Kyle)
And then, I was reading online about this other easter egg in "The Cleaning Crew", in the scene where they're using the Bissell Green Clean Machine to steam the carpets in the Museum of Natural History, that in one shot you can see The Invisible Woman's defective diaphragm she used in Fantastic Four #268, where she had the abortion.

KYLE
The Invisible Woman did not have an abortion, fatass.

CARTMAN
Yeah-huh, in Fantastic Four #268.

BUTTERS
How can you see The Invisible Woman's diaphragm if it's invisible?

CARTMAN
Butters, you stupid asshole, the diaphragm isn't invisible. She's invisible.

BUTTERS
Oooooh. Also, what's a diaphragm? Is that like, uh, a harmonica?

Mr. Garrison enters.

GARRISON
Settle down, children.

Garrison notices Wendy's empty desk.

GARRISON
Stan, where's Wendy?

STAN
How should I know?

CARTMAN
She's your bitch. Tighten the leash, dawg.

STAN
I don't know where she is 24/7.

GARRISON
Eric, watch your language! Stan, tighten the leash! Okay, now, if everyone will open their textbooks to page-

Garrison is cut off as Wendy, topless, walks into the room and handcuffs herself to the teacher's desk. The words "Fuck Your Morals" are written across her 'breasts' and stomach.

WENDY (chanting)
No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women. No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women. No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women.

GARRISON
Wendy!

The whole class stares at Wendy in shock.

Close on Stan, in shock. Cartman shimmies his desk closer to Stan's and elbows Stan in the arm.

CARTMAN
Dude... Dude... Hey, dude... Dude... Stan, dude... Dude...

Stan grows angrier and angrier until...

STAN
What?!

CARTMAN
I can see your girlfriend's boobs.

Cartman laughs.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Wendy, now wearing an art smock, sits opposite Principal Victoria and Counselor Mackey.

MACKEY
Young lady, this is totally unacceptable behavior, mmkay?

WENDY
You're right, Mr. Mackey, it is unacceptable. The unequal treatment of women in this country is totally unacceptable.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Wendy, it is not okay to take your shirt off in the middle of class.

WENDY
Yet it's perfectly okay for boys to walk around without shirts at the beach, at the pool in gym class, or when jogging or exercising, but when a girl does it, it's scandalous. That's because our bodies have been purposely sexualized by chauvinist religions, governments, and the media as a tool to control our behavior and shame us into subjugated roles in society when we fail to meet impossible double-standards.

MACKEY
Subjugated roles? The principal of the school is a woman.

Wendy reaches into her pants pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.

WENDY
Yes, and as principal, she makes $59,214 annually, well below the average for Colorado state principals. Meanwhile, you, Mr. Mackey, the school counselor, make $61,742.

MACKEY
Where did you get that?

Mackey takes the piece of paper from Wendy.

WENDY
You make more than your boss! Because she's a woman and you're a man.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Let me see that.

Principal Victoria grabs the piece of paper out of Mackey's hands and confirms what Wendy is saying. She stares at Mackey, appalled. Mackey swallows and smiles uncomfortably.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Wendy AND Principal Victoria march outside the school. They are both topless. Black writing across Principal Victoria's breasts and stomach reads "Equal Pay for Women".

WENDY AND PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (chanting)
No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women. No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women. No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women.

Male drivers in the street outside the school stop in the middle of the road to view the protest. Several rear-end collisions occur.

Along with a small crowd, Mackey, Garrison, and the boys observe the protest.

GARRISON (to Stan)
You really gotta learn to tighten the leash, Stan.

Cartman elbows Stan.

CARTMAN
Dude... Stan, dude...

EXT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS - AFTERNOON

South Park residents just getting out of work head into the bar for happy hour.

INT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS - AFTERNOON

Skeeter serves Randy a beer. Gerald, Jimbo, Ned, and Stuart are there watching television and talking about "Marvel's: The Cleaning Crew".

GERALD
I think my favorite scene in "The Cleaning Crew" was when Iron Man showed up.

NED (voicebox)
I love random cameos like that.

Homer Simpson walks in, looks around.

HOMER SIMPSON
This isn't Moe's.

Homer leaves.

STUART
I heard a rumor Iron Man makes a cameo in this, too.

Stuart points at the television. They all look.

JIMBO
Stuart, this is Jeopardy.

ON THE TELEVISION: Three ugly sons'a'bitches answer trivia questions for money on "Marvel's: Jeopardy".

CONTESTANT (TV)
I'll take "Insufferable Egomaniacs" for $1000.

ALEX TREBEK (TV)
It's a video clue.

A clip pops up of Robert Downey Jr., surrounded by half-naked women, drinking a martini out of a diamond Iron Man helmet. He looks at the screen.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (TV)
I am Iron Man.

CONTESTANT (TV)
Who is 'Robert Downey Jr.?'

ALEX TREBEK (TV)
That's correct.

BACK IN THE BAR

A random bar patron walks up to the television, pulls out his wallet, and throws cash at the screen. The guys watch him walk away before continuing their conversation.

GERALD
What'd you think of "The Cleaning Crew", Randy?

RANDY
I didn't get to go. Sharon dragged me to some chick flick with Jennifer Lawrence instead. J-Law's hot, but she didn't show one tit in the whole two hours! It's like, why am I watching?

NED (voicebox)
Not even a nip-slip?

STUART
That sucks.

GERALD
So, who'd you f-?

Randy gives Gerald a look.

RANDY
I didn't cheat on my wife, Gerald. It was just date night.

STUART
If Carol tried to drag me to some lame chick flick, I'd give her a black eye so big she'd have to wear sunglasses to work for a month.

RANDY
Holy shit, Stuart!

GERALD
Jesus!

NED
Whoa.

JIMBO
My god!

All the guys look at Stuart with an expression of pure shock.

RANDY
... When did Carol get a job?

GERALD
Anyway, Randy, thank god for Mr. Skinn, at least. Am I right?

RANDY
Who's Mr. Skinn?

GERALD
Mr. Skinn isn't a 'who', it's a website; mrskinn dot com. You've never heard of it? You go on, type the name of an actress, and it shows you every video, magazine, or leaked pic on the internet where she's ever been naked. I have the app for it on my phone.

Gerald pulls out his smartphone, opens the Mr. Skinn app, and types in 'Jennifer Lawrence'. The guys all watch his phone.

GERALD
Look, see? Jennifer Lawrence naked pics from 'The Fappening'.

NED
Holy shit.

RANDY
You can type any celebrity in?

GERALD
Yeah.

RANDY
What about... Scarlett Johansson?

Gerald types.

GERALD
Full frontal in 2013's "Under the Skin".

A golden glow emanates from the phone as an angelic choir sings.

ALL
Whooooooa.

GERALD
It's made watching tv with Sheila almost bearable.

Randy thinks.

EXT. WENDY'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

A forlorn Stan walks up to the front door by himself. He knocks. Mrs. Testaburger, Wendy's Mom, answers.

MRS. TESTABURGER
Oh, hello, Stan. I'm afraid Wendy can't play. She's been grounded for two weeks for protesting naked at the school.

STAN
That's okay. I just wanted to give her her homework.

MRS. TESTABURGER
Oh, okay. Wendy, Stan is here with your homework. But make it fast.

Wendy, fully clothed, comes to the door. Mrs. Testaburger leaves.

STAN
Here.

Stan hands Wendy her homework then turns to leave.

WENDY
Wait, I have something I want to say.

STAN
I'm not really in the mood for an apology, right now.

WENDY
I wasn't going to apologize.

STAN
Do you have any idea what you've done? I'm a laughing stock at school because of you. Guys have been ragging on me all day, telling me how they all saw your boobs.

WENDY
Who cares? They're just boobs.

STAN
I care. And they're not "just boobs", they're your boobs, and you're my girlfriend.

WENDY
So, because I'm your girlfriend, you get to decide who sees them?

STAN
Yes. I mean, no. I mean, what does it matter anymore? Now, everyone's seen them. Hell, even Cartman's seen them.

WENDY
It doesn't matter who's seen them.

STAN
It matters to me. I thought we had something special, but now... I don't think I want to be your boyfriend anymore.

WENDY
But, Stan...

STAN
Goodbye, Wendy.

Stan walks away. Wendy watches him leave, tears in her eyes.

- To be Continued... with more boobs... -