Bet you thought Ill Met was composed to dirges, in utter seriousness, eh?
Not quite.
About midway through, we fell into the habit of including a 'joke scene' in every half-chapter, just to make sure the other was _really_ paying attention. The spoofs were culled before going to the prereaders... well, except for one, which accidentally made it through.
Here, for your amusement, are the best of the joke scenes.
Akane shook her head angrily. This was important. She had to know, and Ranma had to get it off his chest. She had a feeling that it was one of the things that haunted his dreams, and sometimes the only way to exorcise those kind of demons was to bring them out into the light
Steeling herself, she knocked.
"Come in."
She slowly opened the bedroom door, both relieved and alarmed at the flatness of his tone. The lights were off, and she could see him sitting crosslegged on his futon, staring at the vase of cherry twigs opposite the window.
"Hello, Akane."
"Hi, Ranma."
There were no chairs in the room, and for a moment she just stood awkwardly in the doorway. Ranma's gaze remained transfixed on the vase, his eyes dull. After what seemed to be an hour of seconds, Akane carefully picked her way over to where he sat.
"Ranma?"
He did not look at her. "Yes?"
"You're not getting my Bud Light."
"Damn."
A knocking on the door to her bedroom caused Nabiki to glance up from her laptop. Quickly saving and closing the letter, she slid across the bed to within easy reach of a certain switch. "Come in."
The door opened, and Ranma strolled in, shutting it behind him. A unpleasant sensation began to form in the pit of her stomach.
"Ranma. What a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you?"
He smiled widely, and the unpleasant sensation increased.
"Nabiki, Nabiki... while I do enjoy our little verbal fencing matches, I think it's time to talk plainly, don't you?"
"No, I think keeping up the facade of doubletalk and veiled threats helps with the dramatic tension."
Ranma frowned. "Well, I'm gonna threaten to rape you in just a minute. That's pretty dramatic."
"Yeah, but it's pretty blatant, too."
"I guess. How about if I rape and kill you while engaging in veiled doubletalk?"
"I don't think that would work too well."
"Hmm, right. Drat."
Slowly, the boy rose from the bench and stretched, his red shirt tight enough to show the rippling muscles beneath. Then, with an arrogant smirk, he jumped atop the hanging log that served as the field of battle.
Her mind tracked the leap, noticed both the ease with which he had made the leap and the almost inhuman distance he had covered with it. This was not going to be easy.
She made her own jump, landing upon the opposite end of the log. This was her village, her tournament, her glorious victory. The outsider would pay for marring her day with his presence.
A bonbori rose in salute.
The boy's eyes glittered a responce.
"JUNKEN POW!"
And the duel of rock-paper-scissors began.
A cold fury welled up in Nabiki, pushing away the terror that had almost threatened to overwhelm her seconds before. "If you 'throw away' Akane, I swear by everything I hold dear that I'll make you suffer."
"Take a number, little girl." He laughed, a bitter, mocking sound. "All of you are years too late anyway. But, if you insist, I'll keep a tight hold on Akane. After all, I'm her very best friend."
"She's not stupid, you know," Nabiki said quietly. "It may take a few weeks, but she'll see you for what you are."
"For what I am?"
"A rabid closet fan of the 'Spice Girls'."
"I have all their CDs. And a copy of their movie. And their official fan kit. Tell Akane and you die."
Nabiki tsked. "And if she finds out about the Mili Vanili tapes?"
"Damn you," Ranma hissed. "Leave me to my shame."
The hill was still there.
Genma slowly walked up it, staring at the night sky far above. It had been a long time.
"Well. It's been a long time."
He turned, startled by the sudden vocalisation of his thoughts. At the foot of the hill stood a young man, features hidden by the darkness.
"Excuse me?"
"I never thought you'd be stupid enough to actually come back here, Saotome Genma."
A uneasy feeling grew in his stomach. "Do I know you?"
The young man started up the hill. "My name is Inego Montoya," he commented, unshipping the giant Toledo-steel spatula from the sheath on his back. "You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"I knew Mariko, you know, before..." His smile faltered, slipped away. "She used to come talk with us, bring us snacks, that kind of thing. Anyway, she got careless one day, waving to me and Ryouga from the school window, and she fell out. Third floor."
"Oh my God..."
"Yeah. She landed almost face first, stood up, and brushed herself off. She was really embarrassed."
"You've got to be joking."
"Yes, I'm joking."
"Oh."
"Am I supposed to kill you yet?"
"Not for a few more chapters. Chill."
The doorbell rang, and Akane frowned in annoyance as she clicked off the TV and stood. One of Nabiki's friends - business associates; Nabiki had no friends - maybe, or perhaps one of the neighbors. Ranma, she mused, walking to answer it, would have just come right in. It was his house as well, now.
Akane opened the front door and blinked.
"Hi," the boy standing on the porch said. "I'm Kuonji Ukyou. Is Ranma in?"
"Not at the moment. I'm Tendo Akane. Wanna fuck?"
"Sure!" Ukyou cheerfully said, removing her pants. "We can use my cooking utensils."
Another blink. "Um. Is that a giant spatula on your back?"
Ukyou nodded happily. "I'm an okonomiyaki cook. Is Ranma..."
"I mean he was hanging by one hand over a crevice for about 45 minutes. And I think he was starting to lose his grip."
"Yeah, that sounds like an almost to me," Mariko finally said. "So you're going to need some protection, huh?"
Nabiki shook her head. "He doesn't know it was me. I'll be fine." Please, God, please let him not guess.
Frowning, Koji leaned forward slightly. "Are you sure, Nabiki-san? You know what he'll do if..."
"Yes, damnit, I know!" she snapped. "He'll kill me or rape me or both! Believe me, I know that I'm walking a thin line. I'll get out when and if the time comes, and I don't need you reminding me how close I am!" She sagged, and slumped down on the log. She wasn't going to cry. Not in front of people, not in a borrowed shirt and jeans.
"I never wanted to do this in the first place," she finally said. "I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of central Japan! With my stock portfolio by my side, I'd sing... sing... sing..."
"Coz she's a blackmailer and she's okay She gets free food and makes Ranma pay," chorused the Hibikis.
"I bug the rooms, I watch Ranma, I fight him with my mind Akane is still clueless, and I die in Chapter Nine!"
"Nabiki, why do you hate him so much?"
"He's insane, Akane." It was said flatly, as if it were a proven fact. "He's an insane monster using all of us for some private little game. And he's using you more than anyone."
Akane turned away in disgust. "He's hurt. What he's been through... I don't think you can imagine it. Ranma's not using anyone, Nabiki; he's trying to keep his head above water." Imagine, Nabiki having the gall to accuse someone of manipulating people! Nabiki! "I've only seen one person in this house playing games, and it isn't Ranma."
Her sister winced. "I'm not doing..."
"Don't play dumb with me, Nabiki. I know all about the little rigged 'Candyland' games you run out of the back room. It's a regular casino! Shady types coming in at all hours, hooked on that damn game, trying to roll the Lollipop Forest and win it all back..."
"Kasumi's in debt to me," Nabiki admitted smugly. "I'm renting her out to a pimp until she pays back her gambling bill."
"You monster. Where does it end?"
"It doesn't! Next week, I'm adding a 'Monopoly' set! Nerima will be mine! All mine! None can resist wholesome Milton Bradley fun!"
"Dear god," Akane whispered.
"Come on, Akane... just one game of 'Candyland', for low stakes? You were always so good at it..."
"No... no, must resist... well, maybe one..."
"You and Kasumi can work the same street."
The kettle whistled at the same time that she heard the key rattle in the front door. Smiling, Ukyou turned it off and walked towards the entry hall. It was about time Ranma got home.
She had reached the living room when she saw Akane enter, and sucked in her breath. The other girl's eyes were red and tearstained, and her expression was miserable.
"Akane? Hey, what's wrong?" She had a sinking feeling that she already knew. Maybe Ranma's problems had ended, and Mariko and Tsen were even now celebrating.
"Hi, Ukyou." Akane managed a wan smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "There's been an accident, and Nabiki and Ranma are in the hospital."
Ukyou slowly nodded, bracing herself for the worst. "Are they going to be okay?"
"I don't know... the vibrator was at high power, and the tub of KY jelly caught fire... which made the wild boars panic, and then they slipped on the cabbages and feathers..." Akane broke down, sobbing. "If only they hadn't been using the rubber hoses and bicycles! That's too much, especially together with the toaster oven and eels! I warned them!"
Akane smiled, a bit sadly. "I thought so too, even though I knew better. He's done this before. We're reading him all wrong, and I don't know if he does it on purpose or not."
She frowned. "He might not of killed her, but he did cut her."
Akane turned away. "I don't think he enjoyed doing it. But he had to be sure she was telling the truth. And if she would keep her oath even as he slit her throat, then she can be trusted up to a point."
Ukyou's frown turned troubled. "So do you think she really can be trusted?"
Laughing sourly, Akane sat down on the sofa. "No. I don't. But I think we can trust her not to kill us while we sleep, or stab us the minute we look away."
As she turned to face Ukyou, Shan strolled by and stabbed her in the back.
Ukyou frowned. "That wasn't very nice."
Shan shrugged, pushing the twitching corpse off the sofa. "She had it coming. Don't worry, you get yours in a few chapters."
The Amazon nodded, and Akane led the way to the connector hall. "Right down there. I'm going to go throw on a gi; I'll be right with you."
On the way back down from her room, she stopped in at the kitchen, and leaned over the spot where Ranma was drying a pan. "Hey. I'm going to be sparring with Shan Pu. Just so you know."
He glanced up from the pan and nodded, eyes unreadable. "Okay. Just don't pick up any bad habits. We're going to resume training in a day or two." Then he smiled slightly. "Beat the crap outta her."
She gave him a fierce grin, and dashed off to the dojo.
Shan Pu had used the time to go through a series of warmup stretches; she now stood casually in the middle of the fighting hall. Akane moved into the spot opposite, and bowed. Shan returned it.
Akane threw back her head. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOORTAL KOOOOOOOOOOOOOMBAT!" she roared.
[Akane vs Shan Pu. Round One. FIGHT!]
(snip)
Every muscle in her right side screamed at her in protest, and she stumbled back as Shan plummeted into the dojo floor amidst a shower of broken wood and fittings. That had been easier than she had expected...
Ranma stepped out of the shadows. "Finish her!"
Akane opened her mouth. Fire spewed out, charring Shan's to ashes.
[Akane Wins.]
An impossible hope bloomed in the girl's eyes, and she scrambled across the futon to clutch Koji's sleeve. "You... you mean it? You... I won't have to anymore? Please?"
He nodded, a tear glistening in the dim moonlight. "Where is he?"
"He's... he's in Akane's room... I wanted to warn her, but he'd punish me, I'm punished when I'm bad... I tried to kill myself, but he made me throw up the pills and then he..." She clung to his shirt, shaking uncontrollably. "Please don't hurt me..."
Aghast, Koji gingerly patted her on the shoulder, and turned to Mariko. "Akane... oh God, we'd better hurry before he..."
Mariko watched the girl wince in pain at the light pat.
'Ranma hurt, bad shoulder. Think is broken,' Shan Pu whispered in her mind.
"Wait a minute!" she yelled, dashing over to the other girl. "I've seen through this cheap sham! That's not Ranma's abused sister Miyabi, it's..."
Dramatically, she ripped Miyabi's 'face' off.
"Charlie the Caretaker!" Koji and Mariko chorused, astonished.
"Yes, that's right," Charlie muttered. "I faked the psycho in order to scare everyone off. And I would've gotten away it it too, if it hadn't been for you damn meddling kids and your dog!"
Mariko strolled up the rampart, the sea wind blowing her trenchcoat in billowing folds around her. Smiling slightly, she approached the two figures who sat on a heap of broken stonework, scanning the horizon. "Anything?"
Tsen nodded. "There a small boat pulling close." He pointed, and Mariko squinted where he indicated. Sure enough, a small fisher craft was angling and tacking towards the rock of Gunkanjima. And no legitimate fisherman had any reason to head for the island.
Koji blinked. "Inconcievable!"
"Maybe it's just humble fishermen, out for a midnight sail in eel-infested waters," Mariko suggested.
"No matter! To follow, they'll have to scale the Cliffs of Insanity!"
"I thought that was in Chapter 12?"
"Oh yeah."
Ranma jumped straight up, all his strength going into propelling him into the air. The rush of hot air gave him a boost, and he caught the top of the shaft, pulled, and hauled himself over the edge in a frantic roll.
A pillar of fire burst from the shaft, arcing high into the island sky before falling apart in sparks and falling rivulets of flame.
Scorched, blackened, but very much alive, Ranma stalked slowly across the ruined factory floor.
Koji slowly began to swear. Around him, chains and gears turned, machinery designed for some arcane purpose coming back to life after decades of rust and silence. "Inconcieveable!"
"You keep using that word," Tsen noted. "I not think it mean what you think it means."
Akane sighed, carefully wrapped a bit of her dress around her arm, and sat down by him to wait.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
The slide-thunk echoed throughout the tower room. Akane turned around, and stared incredulously at Mariko.
"You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!" she blustered, amazed.
"Yes, but I was saved at the last minute," Mariko said blandly.
"What? How?"
"Well... I'll tell you..." said Mariko, as music sprang up in the background.
Ranma sat up. "o/~ She's going to tell... she's going to tell..."
"Stop that!" Akane bellowed. "No singing!"
"o/~ She's going to tell..." came a voice from deep below down in the bank vault.
"NO SINGING!"
Ukyou dragged her mangled form into the room. "This way, Akane!"
"o/~ She's going to tell... o/~"
"I thought you were dead?"
"I'm not quite dead."
"Mortally wounded?"
"o/~ She's going to tell... o/~"
"NO SINGING!"
"I'm feeling better, actually."
"No matter! Come, Ukyou, I must make a daring escape in my own particular... particular..."
"Idiom?"
"Idiom, yes!"
"o/~ She's going to tell about her great escape! o/~
"NO SINGING!"
/^_-\ -^o^- -_-