This is based on something that happened to my friend, Jay… It brought me joy. HUGE thanks to my beta, rippingbutterflywings! I also want to mention my girls, DeathCabForMari, Spikeyhairgood, and The Poly Lama. You girls are glorious individuals, and the only ones who truly appreciated my small penis...

Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments or that song about the dick. I also don't own Jay, but I own a small penis in the form of an eraser, and it brings me peace.

His feet hit the ground in rhythm with the drums, hips swaying as he sang along to each song. Magnus was blaring music and dancing around the living room in a fabulous fashion when he heard it…

Ay, bitch. Wait 'til you see my dick.
Wait 'til you see my dick.
Ay, bitch! Wait 'til you see my dick.
I'ma beat dat pussy up.

Ay, bitch. Wait 'til you see my dick.

Magnus's heart leapt into his throat as he ran, throwing his body over the couch and tumbling to the floor. He reached the stereo, quickly skipping the song, but it was too late. His mother had heard everything.

She stood there, wide-eyed and slack-jawed with the Holy Bible in her fragile hands. Magnus knew there was no way to remedy the mistake he had made.

"Magnus Bane!" she exclaimed, crossing herself.

He stepped back, avoiding her piercing gaze. Magnus couldn't look his Catholic mother in the eye after that. He felt unclean.

"I'm so sorry, Mommy."

Magnus's mother was five-foot-nothing, filled from head to toe with pure fury, and her scowl could make even the manliest of men shake in their boots.

Her parenting technique was simple: spare the rod, spoil the child.

Translation: beat your kid on a regular basis.

She glared at him, causing his heart rate to pick up. He knew what was coming. "I will take you out to the ball game, and I will leave you there!" his father threatened from the doorway.

Magnus tried to hold his ground, squaring his shoulders. He hoped he looked far less daunted than he felt. "I apologized to Mother."

"Did you apologize to Jesus?" his father asked in a sharp tone.

It caused Magnus physical pain when he had to hold back the inevitable eye-roll. "I'm sorry, Jesus."

"Go to your room," his mother demanded.

Magnus sighed in relief as he ascended the staircase. He was safe—for now.

I MEAN NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE WITH THIS ONE SHOT. I will be cordial and accepting of any religion you choose to practice, so long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did. EVERYONE SAY HI TO JAY IN YOUR REVIEW, he is a glorious man.

-IWriteNaked