Hey guys. Since it will be posted on 3/14 (my time). Happy Pi Day. I honestly don't know where this came from. Remember this is a crack fic and the characters are OOC. Not only that it is a crack fic with OOC that involves the characters being drunk and I don't know how people actually talk or act while drunk so they don't seem like it. I have no beta so all mistakes are my own. I don't own OUAT or anything and I'm not making any money off of this. This happens after Rumple gets exiled but before the QoD come to town. Enjoy.
"Man we need to do this more often. I haven't had a night out in the town since um before I came to this bloody realm it seems like," Killian said as he rejoined David, Will, and all 7 of the Dwarfs at a back booth in the Rabbit Hole after going to the bar to get another pint of rum.
"Yeah, it's kind of hard to have a nice night out in the town when you're constantly trying to save it," David replied before raising his glass to make a toast "May this peace last longer than our last battle."
"Here here," everyone at the table said as they raised their own glasses before taking a generous gulp of their drinks.
"Alright mates enough shop talk. It's time for some pool," Will interrupted before everyone headed to the pool tables.
Many hours and many more drinks later
David and Killian stumbled back to the booth leaving the pool game to their friends for now. They were taking advantage of the lack of danger to drink a bit more than normal since they wouldn't have to be at their best to defeat the random baddie of the week in the morning...that they know of.
"Killian, you're my mate. Actually you're my best mate," David slurred as he sloshed his drink back and forth spilling some of its contents in the process.
"Aye, and you're my best mate too. Bestest mate I ever had. We are the bestest mates ever. We should get matrigge. No that sounds weird. We should get bromatrried. Will you bromatrry me David?" Killian rambled smiling goofily at the end.
"Is that even a thing?" David asked confused before shaking his head and continued, "Who cares. Yeah. We should do it. Let's get bromatrried." David turned around so he was facing the pool tables behind him where the others had just finished a game. "Guys guys. Killian and I are getting bromatrried. Isn't that great?"
"I must be drunker than I thought. It sounded like you said bromatrried Charming," Leroy said.
"I did," Dave responded with a drunken smile on his face.
"What in the bloody world is bromatrried?" Will asked as everyone came back to the booth.
"It's a marriage for mates, bromatriage mate. Dave and I are going to do it," Killian told everyone before turning to David. "We should tell Emma and your fair lady. Don't think they would be happy with us if we just showed up bromatrried."
"Yeah. That'd be scary." Dave replied with a shiver, while everyone around him nodded knowingly, as he pulled out his phone to call Snow.
"Oh. Emma's with her. Put it on speaker. Please please please," Killian asked with shinning puppy eyes before David put the phone on speaker. Right afterwards the phone was picked up.
"Hi David, how is your boys night out going?" Mary Margaret asked.
"I'm doing great honey. We're having fun," David started before Killian grabbed the phone so it was closer to him and cut in.
"Hi. I'm here too. Is Emma there? Emma hi."
"Killian stop we have to tell them remember."
"I know but I wanted to say hi."
"You can tell Emma hi later."
While David and Killian were bickering the other guys were laughing at the two of them wrestling to have the phone closer to one over the other.
"Snow, honey, can you put the phone on speaker Killian and I have something we want to tell you and Emma," David said when he finally had the phone because Killian got distracted by his rum.
"Sure, I'm on speaker now. Is everything alright?" Snow asked worried.
"Yeah. Everything's going great. Killian and I are getting bromatrried. We are going to have a bromatriage," David started.
"We're best mates so we are going to get a marriage for mates. Isn't that great Emma?" Killian cut in explaining.
"Uhh…Hold on a second," Snow said before the line got muffled like someone put their hand over it. The guys could still hear a muffled conversation and laughing but not the words.
"Hey guys. That sounds great. How about you guys come to Granny's and we will start your… um uh bromatriage. But you need find something to exchange before you get here okay?" Emma said slowly around the bromatriage before gaining confidence on the next part while the laughter continued in the background.
"Ohh. That's a great idea Emma. I love you so much. You're so smart," David answered.
"Great. Hey are Leroy and Will still there?" Emma asked.
"Yeah, we're both here," Leroy answered.
"Leroy, can you and any of your family that is there come straight to Granny's to help out?"
"Sure," Leroy and his family then left the three to head to Granny's.
"Will can you. Sorry hold on a second," Emma said and suddenly her voice sounded a bit farther away like she was just talking to those with her. "Can you guys stop laughing at least long enough for me to get off the phone," and then her voice sounded normal again. "Sorry about that. As I was saying. Will can you stay with them and make sure they actually make it here?"
"Yeah. I'll make sure you dad and the bloody pirate get to you in one piece."
"Thanks. Bye dad. Bye Killian. I'll see you in a bit," Emma said before hanging up.
"Bye bye Emma," Killian said before realizing that Emma already hung up and turned to David, "Okay. We need to find something to exchange but what?"
After a few moments of thought David perked up and smiled, "Oh. I know. Something for our key chains. There is a thing that engraves them on the way to Granny's."
"Engraved. Put we don't have time to do that tonight," Killian said confused.
"No, it's in this thing and a laser hits it and it's done in minutes." David tried to explain.
"What the bloody hell is a laser?" Killian asked.
"Nevermind. I know where he's talking about. Let's go close our tab and I'll take you guys there. Then you two can choose your key chain tags and get them engraved while I take pictures to blackmail you for years to come. I mean so you have something to remember this by for years to come," Will interrupted before getting the two out of the both and heading out.
At the key chain engraving machine (like the ones for pet tags)
"Alright we're here. Now you two look at the designs and pick one each," Will said before taking his phone out to make a video.
"Oh there are so many designs. Which one should we get?" David asked when he looked at the designs.
"That one has a picture that looks like where the water from Neverland came from on it," Killian said pointing to an oval shaped one.
"The water that you tricked me into getting so I wouldn't die?"
"Yeah,"
"We should get that one since that was when I stopped threatening to kill or maim you more often than not when we were alone," David said nodding seriously.
"Alone? Mate before that you were threatening to kill or maim me as happily with witnesses as without."
"True but I stopped or at least did it less after that."
"Okay. So two of those. What should we engrave it with?" Killian asked.
"How about Bromatriage with today's date and Captain Charming at the bottom since it is the bromatriage of Captain Hook and Prince Charming," Will cut in to move things along.
"Perfect," David exclaimed before setting the machine to do just that.
"Don't forget to start planning your vows now so you are ready when we get to Granny's," Will reminded David and Killian while the machine was engraving the key chain tags. Once it was done the three of them headed to Granny's.
Granny's (a few minutes before the phone call)
"A girls night out is just what I needed," Belle said while she was sitting with Mary Margaret, Emma, and Tinker Bell in the back corner booth at Granny's. The place was nearly empty with just them, Archie sitting at the counter, and Ruby and Granny working.
"I know. I'm so happy Ashley agreed to babysit Neal. With David out with Killian and the boys having a girls night out just seemed like heaven. I invited Regina but she wanted to have a quiet night in with Henry," Snow replied.
"Yeah. This is the longest amount of peace that I've experienced in this town since I first entered it and I plan on enjoying it. Knock on wood," Emma added. "Plus I'm usually in the sheriff's station all day with dad and when Killian isn't in the library looking for a way to free the fairies I'm in the there with both of them so it's nice to hang out with someone new. Though it is funny to see how they act when dad isn't treating Killian as the guy that is dating his daughter."
"You should see them when they're just hanging around town. If I didn't know how impossible it was I'd think they knew each other since childhood and they act like they're MfL, mates for life," Tinker Bell added on. Before anyone could comment on that, Snow's phone started to ring.
"Sorry. Hang on a second it's David," Snow said after she checked her caller id.
"Hi David, how is your boys night out going?" Mary Margaret asked.
"I'm doing great honey. We're having fun," David started when suddenly Killian cut in.
"Hi. I'm here too. Is Emma there? Emma hi,"
"Killian stop we have to tell them remember."
"I know but I wanted to say hi."
"You can tell Emma hi later."
Both Snow and Emma rolled their eyes at the small fight and laughter over the phone since they were being loud enough even Emma could hear what they were saying clear enough.
"Snow, honey, can you put the phone on speaker. Killian and I have something we want to tell you and Emma."
"Sure, I'm on speaker now. Is everything alright?" Snow asked worried while sharing a look with Emma. Both wondering if everything was alright or if this was just a drunk call. At that moment Ruby decided to walk over to say hi since Archie wouldn't need anything for a while.
"Yeah. Everything's going great. Killian and I are getting bromatrried. We are going to have a bromatriage," David started.
At that everyone at the table stopped what they were doing in surprise and confusion. It took everything Tinker Bell had in her not to spit up her drink at that.
"We're best mates so we are going to get a marriage for mates. Isn't that great Emma?" Killian cut in explaining. At that both Belle, Ruby, and Tinker Bell burst out in uncontrollable laughter.
"Uhh…Hold on a second," Snow said before she put her hand over the phone.
"Did I just hear your father and boyfriend right?" Snow asked.
"I think so and why are they both mine. You choose to be in a legally binding long term relationship with one of them remember?" Emma retorted.
"Yeah, anyway. What do we tell them?"
"Tell them to come here and we will get them bromatrried. The place is practically empty and I'm sure it will be a laugh. Plus, think of all of the blackmail material. Just stall them a bit so I can change a few details on a wedding certificate and print it out," Ruby interrupted with a predatory smile on her face.
"I'm not sure," Snow started before Tinker Bell added her own two cents.
"Please. I would pay to see this. I'll pay you right now if you wanted me to so it could happen."
"Yeah. It sounds like it could be fun," Belle added in between her laughs.
"Yeah mom. It'll be find. It's be like a Vegas wedding without the consequences."
"Well. Okay but you get to set it up with them," Snow conceded before handing Emma the phone.
"Hey guys. That sounds great. How about you guys come to Granny's and we will start your… um uh bromatriage. But you need find something to exchange before you get here okay?" Emma said slowly around the bromatriage before gaining confidence on the next part while the laughter continued in the background.
"Ohh. That's a great idea Emma. I love you so much. You're so smart," David answered.
Great. Hey are Leroy and Will still there?" Emma asked.
"Yeah, we're both here," Leroy answered.
"Leroy, can you and any of your family that is there come straight to Granny's to help out?"
"Sure."
"Will can you. Sorry hold on a second," Emma said and she suddenly turned to Belle, Tinker Bell, and Ruby who continued laughing after giving their opinion on the matter. "Can you guys stop laughing at least long enough for me to get off the phone," when they got their laughing under control Emma then turned back to the phone, "Sorry about that. As I was saying. Will can you stay with them and make sure they actually make it here?"
"Yeah. I'll make sure your dad and the bloody pirate get to you in one piece."
"Thanks. Bye dad. Bye Killian. I'll see you in a bit," Emma said before hanging up.
"Hey Ruby, can you ask Granny and make sure she is okay with us using her place for this?" Emma asked as she turned to Ruby.
"Sure," Ruby said before heading to the back of the restaurant.
"Now who are going to get to perform the bromatriage?" Emma asked.
"I know I'll go ask Archie," Snow replied before going to talk to Archie.
After a few minutes Snow came back to the booth with Archie and Ruby wasn't too far behind them.
"I'm not too sure about this but I'll do it," Archie said as he joined the others at the booth.
"Granny said we can do it here. We still have some old decorations we can put up." Ruby said when she joined the others. At that time the dwarfs entered.
Snow then took charge and divided up the work. "Alright then. We have a lot of work to do and not much time to do it. Ruby make and print out a bromate certificate for this. Also, try and find a camera. I want as many pictures of this as I can. Archie, Belle, Emma, and I will write up a script for the wedding. Everyone else decorate the place."
A while later
"Great work everyone. This looks perfect. We can get started the second that they get here. Remember, Tinker Bell and Belle your standing on Killian's side. Make sure to drag Will with you also. Everyone else minus Archie, Emma, and myself are standing on David's side." Snow said once all of the decorations were up and the script was written. Leftover balloons from past victory parties were blown up and streamers were tied up everywhere. At that moment the bell chimed and David, Killian, and Will walked in.
"Congratulations you two. Now come on. Places everyone." Emma said as she dragged Killian up front to stand in front of Archie. Snow did the same with David and Belle and Tinker Bell dragged Will with them. Killian, David, and Will looked confused for a moment about being dragged around but decided to just go with it. At this moment, Ruby got her camera out to take photos and Will got his phone out again to make another video of the event.
Archie fidgeted uncomfortably for a moment before he started. "Friends, we have joined here today to share with David and Killian an important moment in their lives. Their bromartiage. As we all know mates may have significant others that will have to deal with their significant other spending time with their mate. Who here will stand forward and acknowledge that they will have to share their significant other?"
"I acknowledge that my husband, David, is mates with Killian and that involves spending extra time with him and having a bond of bromates that may seem odd to those on the outside."
"I acknowledge that my boyfriend, Killian, is mates with David and that involves spending extra time with him and having a bond of bromates that may seem odd to those on the outside."
Snow and Emma both stepped forward and said before Archie continued.
"Have the bromates come up with their own bromate vows?" Archie asked.
"Yes. I David will always be best mates with Killian and while I will still act like the overprotective father when it comes to Emma will watch his back when the villains come back and will go out drinking with him on tough times and times of peace getting drunker than we should, like we are now. And be there to rant with and get into stupid kinds of trouble with."
"I Killian will always be best mates with David and will never take anything overprotective father David says as opinions of bromate David. And will watch his back when everything goes to hell again and will rant with him and always have some rum available for when a quick drink is needed. And will always be willing get into stupid kinds of trouble with him."
"Good now exchange your um items." Archie instructed. At this point they exchanged key chain tags and put it on their key rings.
"Good by the power invested in me by being here tonight and Queen Snow I now pronounce you mates for life. You may now bro hug your bromate." Everyone clapped as Killian and David put an arm around each other's shoulders as their hug. They stayed like that due to it becoming more difficult for them to stay standing.
"I now suggest that the wife and girlfriend of the two new official mates take them home before they collapse while the rest of us clean up," Granny cut in. Snow and Emma then went up to the two and helped them into Emma's yellow bug before Emma drove to the loft.
Loft
When they got to the loft they were barely able to get David and Killian onto the couch before the two of them passed out.
"Should we wake them up and get them to bed?" Snow asked only mildly worried.
"Nah. They'll be find. I'll just get the hook off of Killian so he doesn't accediently stab dad and they can sleep there all night. Anyway, waking up the next morning next to the other person is part of the Vegas experience. Night mom." Emma replied before giving her mom a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before heading upstairs to get some sleep.
I mentioned this was an OOC crack fic right? There you go. I'll post the morning after sometime tomorrow. I still don't know where this came from but it wouldn't leave so here you go. Please review and let me know what you think and any constructive criticism is always welcome. Enjoy.