At 5:30AM, an alarm on the night side table goes off, forcing Alex Cabot's steely blue eyes to open as her arm sticks out to slam the off button. She has a routine that is timed to the very minute.

Two minutes after her alarm goes off, she pushes the cocoon of blankets out of her way and forces herself out of bed. She quickly changes into her running clothes and takes off to go around Central Park.

The ADA swallows a hydration gel before she leaves her apartment. She doesn't like carrying water on her if she doesn't need to. She prefers to have her hands free when she runs.

She straps an iPod to her arm with a device that also holds her apartment key and her fob, and she wears wireless headphones keeping her body as free as possible.

When you run at the same time everyday, you have a greater appreciation for sunlight. Now that it's October, the sun doesn't rise until around 7AM. Alex already misses August when the sun would rise around 6AM.

Many hated August for running because it was too humid, sticky, hard to stay cool, but August was when the real runners loved to train. Put in the work in August and your body will fly in September, when the humidity goes back down and the temperature is bearable.

Alex was two miles into her five-mile run when she suddenly fell ill. She just made it to the trash can before heaving all of the contents that had previously been in her stomach.

Fucking Chinese food!

Alex thought about throwing it out instead of eating it last night but it smelled okay. Apparently, it wasn't.

Desperate to get the horrid taste out of her mouth, Alex ran to the nearest CVS and got a mini Scope mouthwash. Luckily, she kept a $20 with her iPod in case of emergencies.

She used the whole bottle before going to finish her run. Most people would have gone home, but she had to finish her morning run. It was the only time of day she felt free. Everything else was an obligation.

Alex made it back into her apartment where she took a shower and brushed her teeth thoroughly.

Not wanting to make her stomach angrier, she had toast for breakfast, along with a cup of coffee and then headed into work.

Anyone who saw Alex would think she was perfectly normal; her suit was perfectly ironed, her walk had that perfect cadence, her heels clicking in her wake, but inside she felt like hell.

I really should have thrown out that Chinese Food!

She made it to her office and got to her desk. She hoped that work would distract her stomach from its horrid feeling. Given the cases she prosecuted, it would just make her more nauseous.

Three days later, Alex was still sick. She had never had food poisoning for so long, and wondered if it might be something else.

She had stuck to her starches, avoiding milk and oily foods, but she still felt ill. She would get sick multiple times a day but much of it was in the morning.

"Maybe I got a virus?" She hadn't heard of anything going around, but who knows what she could have picked up in the courthouse or at the precinct.

She was cleaning up her bathroom before work when she saw an unopened box of tampons. She quickly remembered that she should have needed to open the box last week, but it never came.

As realization filled her mind, her body got weak, and she threw up yet again.

I can't be pregnant!

She wasn't ready for a baby. She most certainty wasn't ready for a Cabot baby.

My parents will want me to marry him, and to name the child an heir to the Cabot estate, to put the mantle of responsibilities on its shoulders. Alex shuddered at the thought.

She could see it now: a loveless marriage, 2.3 kids, a large house that felt suffocating, forced friendships and a surrender to everything she ran away from.

I can't be pregnant!

Knowing that biology wouldn't yield to her fears, the ADA bought a pregnancy test on her way to work.

She couldn't get the nerve to take it, so she stuffed it in a desk drawer.

Instead, she spent her morning acquiring warrants that the 1-6 needed to search a suspect's home, car, and office space.

Anything to get her not to think about what was going on in her own life.

She was about to eat crackers for lunch when there was a knock on her door.

"Come in."

It was her boss, Bureau Chief Liz Donnelly.

"You look like hell," Liz always cut straight to the point.

"I feel like it too."

"If you're sick, you should just call in and stay home."

"I'm not contagious."

"Well there's that, but I meant your well being. Working sick will make it hard for you to get better."

"I don't know if I will get better."

Liz's eyes darkened. "You're not gonna croak are you?"

"Oh no, what I meant is, I might not be sick."

Liz frowned. "You've been vomiting for days."

"I know."

"So if you're not sick, then you're …"

Alex shrugged. "I don't know yet."

"Did you go to a doctor?'

"I …"

"Well, if you are, then you should find out, so you have all of your options and if you're not, then you need to figure out what's making you so sick. Sitting scared at your desk isn't helping anybody."

"Yes, Chief." Alex sounded defeated. It was a weird tone for her voice.

Liz softened, slightly. "Alex, if you need someone to talk to, no matter what the results are, my door is open."

"Thanks."

Alex waited until she got home to take the test. She didn't want to find out in the office bathroom.

Wait 5 minutes

Alex put on her iPod, hoping Portishead would calm her down a little bit. Her nerves went right back up when the timer went off.

She dragged herself to the restroom and looked.

She dropped the stick to the floor.

On it was a blue plus sign.

Liz wasn't expecting to see anyone in front of her office when she got to work. She certainly wasn't expecting to see ADA Alexandra Cabot slumped to the floor by her office looking like her world just came crashing down.

"I take it you want to talk."

She didn't wait for an answer. Instead she opened her door and motioned for Alex to follow her inside.

She sat down and Alex told her, "I can't do this."

"It was positive."

She nodded weakly. "I'm not ready."

Liz handed her a card. "There's a clinic about four blocks from here. They are very nice and they're discreet." They provided services both medicinal and therapeutic for women and young families. "No matter what you decide to do, they will help you."

Alex clutched the card like it was a lifeline.

"I can't …"

"I won't tell anyone. This is your choice. This is your life."

It doesn't feel like her life anymore. It all feels like a nightmare.

This happened from drunkenness and irresponsibility. This was no way to bring a life into the world.

Alex called the number and made an appointment for Wednesday morning 10:30.

It was a consultation to discuss her options. She felt like she only had one, and it made her feel dead inside.

Just when Alex didn't think it could get any worse, he called, again. She let it go straight to voicemail.

"Hey Lexi, I haven't heard from you in a while. I thought maybe we could get dinner sometime."

She hated it when he called her Lexi, or when he called at all. She wished she had turned down the first invitation; then, she wouldn't be here.

After a tiring day, she made it to her apartment, where she planned on having ginger tea and lounging with a good book all night.

Her plan was interrupted when she called.

"Hey Alex."

"Olivia, what's going on?" Olivia fucking Benson, the goddess who haunted Alex's dreams and fantasies, the one she would never had, the one who had driven her into his arms that dreary night.

"We were wondering if you wanted to get drinks with us tonight?"

She shouldn't drink while pregnant. Does it matter if she's not keeping it? It still might make her sick.

"Sure." She couldn't turn down time with Olivia.

"Meet us at 8?" They met at the same place every time.

"See you then."

Two hours later, Alex was getting out a cab, wearing her well-known Jimmy Choos, designer jeans and a well-fitted top. Even in casual garb, she looked glamorous. She felt like a shrimp, however, when she saw her.

Olivia was just starting to grow out her hair. And although her butch haircut had turned the ADA on immensely, the long hair was looking good too. Honestly, she would have Olivia any way. She wished the girl would just fuck her to high heaven, but Olivia, despite being every lesbian's wet dream, was straight as an arrow, Brian FUCKING Cassidy proved that.

Cassidy was nice, but Alex wanted to murder him.

With Olivia were Stabler, Fin, and Munch. There was no Cassidy, thank the spirits.

"Do you always wear heels?" Stabler questioned, wondering why she needed them not at work.

"I don't want the ends of my pants to touch the floor." Which was true, although she could just get them shortened.

"Ignore him," Munch claimed. "The taller, the better."

"What am I?" Olivia questioned.

"An adorable shrimp," he teased patting her head.

"I'm no …"

He laughed; getting her flustered was funny.

"I'll get the first round."

Alex got shots of tequila everyone else and a shot of water for herself.

"Starting with the hard stuff," Odafin commented, "I like it."

Alex was content with being a wallflower tonight; just seeing Olivia made her feel better, even if she had no idea what the blonde thought of when she thought of Olivia, late at night, when she was alone. It was better she didn't know.

She'd think I was a freak.

Alex's thoughts were not what you should think of when you think of a friend. Olivia made Alex feel like a 13-year-old boy, hormonal, uncontrolled, and irrational.

The others talked about their family, either their children or their siblings. Olivia for obvious reasons stayed quiet.

Munch wondered about Alex. "What about your family? We never hear about them."

"Well, my father's a lawyer, corporate and my mother is a homemaker."

"You're from Boston, right?"

"Dover," she clarified.

"Oh you're one of those."

"One of what?" Olivia questioned.

"Dover is where the rich kids live. They have the best public school system in the state."

"Yeah, it's the republic Boston suburb."

"There is one?" Fin questioned.

"Did you grow up on a fancy estate with a horse?" Munch asked excitedly.

"The horses were at my grandparents' house," she told him, a bit embarrassed that they were talking about her family.

It wasn't too surprising that she was rich, but Munch didn't actually think she would have a horse.

"You have horses," Olivia loved horses. She could never afford one of course, but the few times her mother was sober, she would take her to ride.

"Yeah. My grandfather got me one when I was 8. His name is Chance."

"He's still kicking?" Elliot questioned.

"Yes. I take him out every Christmas."

"I would love that," Olivia told her.

"Maybe I could take you sometime. You probably have somewhere better to be for Christmas, but …"

"Actually, I don't," Olivia told her.

"You're not spending it with Brian?"

Olivia cracked up. "I don't spend Christmas with one night stands."

He wasn't her boyfriend? Damn, I'm stupid. "Oh well… you can come for Christmas, if you want. I must warn you, my parents are well," Alex stuck her nose up.

"Not surprising," Elliot said dryly.

Olivia elbowed him. "It sounds lovely. Should I bring any caviar?"

"No, but if you bring my father Scotch he will love you forever."

When Alex got home, she couldn't believe what she had done, inviting Olivia for dinner. What was she going to say? Hey Mom and Dad, I'm madly in love with this girl, but she doesn't like me that way, so we're going to just be friends, kthanksbai.

Well, at least Olivia will love Chance.

Suddenly, Alex thought about Olivia riding a horse, those magnificent hips going up and down and that ass!

I really am a fucking pervert.

Saturday

Olivia visited her mother the first and third Saturday of every month. She didn't like her visits, but her mother was the only family she had, the only family she had ever had.

Serena Benson had been estranged from both her parents. Olivia never met them before they died. She didn't know her father, of course, so that just left her and mommy dearest.

She brought her mother's favorite bagels, hoping that with a mouth full of food, she would be less vitriolic.

When Olivia knocked on the door, she heard a yell. "Wait a damn minute!"

Olivia waited for her mother to answer the door. She looked hungover, sunken in eyes, messy hair. She wished this wasn't the norm, but it was.

"I brought you breakfast Mom."

"At least you're good for something," she snapped as she reached in for a bagel with lox and cream cheese.

Olivia also brought her a black coffee and a fruit cup. She wasn't sure if her mother got any fruit or vegetables in her diet.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like hell!" She always felt that way; her life was hell.

"Have you been taking your medicine?"

"Who are you, my doctor?"

The apartment was messy. It was only clean when Olivia cleaned it and while her mother was "resting her eyes" Olivia took out the trash, did the dishes, and tried to make sure there was no broken glass anywhere.

"I was going to do that," Serena claimed.

"I know," Olivia told her. "I know Mom."

When Wednesday finally came, Alex was a nervous wreck. Would the doctor be judgmental? Would there be protesters nearby? What if someone recognized her?

Before it was time to go, however, she got a call from Cragen.

"Can you come down here?" They had an issue with the warrant the judge had given them.

"I'm on my way."

She put on her poker face; she was Alexandra Ellsworth Cabot, fierce ADA.

When she got to the precinct, Cragen showed her the problem.

Alex had relayed to the magistrate what they were looking for and what was the evidentiary basis for the warrant. When the judge faxed over the warrant, however he put in what they were looking for twice and nothing about the basis.

She made a quick call to the judge's office and they said they would fax a new warrant right away.

"I'm glad you caught this," stupid mistakes like this could get good evidence thrown out.

"Actually, Olivia did." They had been right about to leave, but she saw the mistake and didn't want Alex blowing up at them, although she looked so cute when she was angry.

Suddenly, Alex looked at the time. "I have to go."

She rushed out of the precinct.

Olivia frowned. "What had her in such a rush?"

"She didn't say," Cragen told her. He had no idea.

Alexandra made it to the clinic. She took a cab but had it drop her off two blocks early, so he wouldn't see where she was going. She walked the rest of the way and came inside.

She was surprised by the cheery colors. There was a play area for children and offices everywhere. She knew they did more than just abortions, but this felt like a pediatrician's office.

A woman was leaving with her baby.

"These people are great. They helped me get health insurance for little Tyson."

He was a cute baby, sleepy, a little chubby but that made him even cuter.

"That's great," Alex said honestly. Seeing the baby made her want to hurl.

Five minutes later, or two hours later if you ask Alex, she got called into the back and there was a nurse waiting for her.

"Hi Miss. Cabot. My name is Jeanie, and I'll be your nurse this morning."

"Alex is fine."

"Alex, did you get blood work done to confirm your pregnancy?"

She shook her head.

"Well I can do that right now with just a prick."

She got her blood drawn. The sting from the needle was a bit of a distraction.

"The doctor will be in momentarily, and if there's anything unusual with your blood work, I'll come in right away so you both know."

Alex tried to nod but nothing happened. The nurse seemed to understand. She put her hand on her shoulder and said, "no matter what, we're all here for you."

The one person she needed right now; she was too ashamed to tell.

A male doctor came in. He was a redhead, looked to be about forty years old, and had an impressive beard.

"Alex, my name is Dr. Kearny."

He had a formidable handshake.

"According to my records, you're about seven weeks pregnant."

"Yes."

"How about you tell me what got you here today?"

"I'm pregnant."

"I know, but sometimes, it helps people decide what to do when they talk out what happened to get them here."

"Oh, well … this is confidential right?"

"100%"

"Well, it all started at work with this girl Olivia. She's amazing, smart, sweet, fun, and she's really attractive, and I mean I'm not bad looking myself, but she could have been a centerfold if she wanted to, but instead she decided to be a cop.

We've been working together for almost three years now and I can't get her out of my mind."

Alex couldn't believe what she was telling him, but he just seemed trustworthy. "I was hoping that maybe someday I would have the courage to ask her out, but then I found out she was straight and with this other guy from work, Brian, and it crushed me.

A guy who liked me called and asked me out. I had said no the other times he called, but I didn't want to be alone that night, so I said yes.

I regretted it as soon as I answered the phone and I went to Chili's to get drunk; I didn't go anywhere more elegant because I didn't want anyone to recognize me. After about four margaritas, I went to dinner where we polished off a bottle of wine and before I knew it, I went with him to his place …"

Alex wanted to cry.

"It was awkward and not very good, and I thought he had used a condom, but now I'm here, and I can't become a mother. I'm too young. My family will want me to marry him and …"

"Are your parents old fashioned?"

"Oh yes, and to make it even worse, the guy his parents are friends with my parents, so they'll want a big wedding and for me to become a stay at home mom while he works and to live in one of the family houses and the child will be an heir to two big fortunes and it's just too much pressure, for me, for this life who doesn't exist yet.

I moved to New York to escape this life. I'm afraid a baby will drag me right back."

Alex finally said it out loud. She was afraid of becoming her mother.

"Alex, I want you to listen carefully. This is your decision. No one else can tell you what to do with your body or your life. I know this is scary for you, and I can tell already that you're afraid of your family being disappointed in you, but they cannot decide for you who to marry, or when to become a mother, or what kind of mother you should be.

Is there anyone you can talk this out with, a friend or a colleague?"

Alex shrugged. "Well, there is my boss, but I don't want to dump my personal crap on her head."

"It's your decision if you want to talk more, but it sounds like you are feeling a lot of things right now, and although you feel like you only have one option, it seems like a hard one for you."

"Oh you have no idea. I saw a baby in the lounge and almost threw up."

"Well, you don't have to decide right now. You're early enough along that you can think about it for a couple more weeks before you look into making an appointment. Our goal here is to make sure you feel that you made the right decision, no matter what that is, and if you need to talk more, we have professionals for that too."

He gave her his card. "You can call anytime."

Alex needed to run. She called in and said she'd work from home for the rest of the day and went back to her apartment. She got into her running clothes and packed gels, so she could go for a nice, long run.

She had to get out of her head. If she could, she'd get out of her body too.