The following is rated "H" for honest.

Narrator: From Nintendo, the company known for kiddie games despite Madworld and No More Heroes, and Koei Tecmo, the guys who don't know what realistic proportions for women are, comes another collaboration project to prove that they can do better than Metroid: Other M.

Hyrule Warriors

Get ready for a Dynasty Warriors that you'll actually care about this time, simply because it's a Legend of Zelda game. So does that actually mean it's a good game?

*Cue short montage of awesome attacks, combos, and moments."

Yes!

Play as your favorite Zelda characters…and Agitha…and Fi…and Lana, as you take on hordes of enemies with the power of magic, butt rock, and most powerful of all, teamwork. Or at least it would be if all of your friends weren't incompetent and didn't rely on you all the time.

*Cue short montage of "I need your help!" moments."

Yeah, no, shut up! You guys are on your own. Ugh, I thought the Star Fox guys were needy.

*Cue gameplay of Star Fox 64.*

Slippy Toad: Whoa! Help me!

Narrator: Join Link, who's back with an awesome scarf you won't stop gushing about, and help him once again take on Ganondorf, who's back with an awesome mullet you won't stop gushing about, in an epic battle that will determine the fate of—

Oops, hold on, I'm getting ahead of ourselves. Eh, it's not like anybody didn't see it coming.

Before the inevitable conflict between Link and Ganon, team up with the franchise's other heroes in order to put a stop to Cia, gaming's hottest witch, putting Bayonetta to shame. She's declared war on Hyrule so she can steal the Triforce she's been guarding, which means she should've already possessed it by now. But more than that, she's doing all of this to win Link's affections.

Wait, doesn't that mean to end the war, Link just has to tap that? Go for it man! Everybody wins!

From the amazing music remixes, to the many references and memes, to finally not making Ganondorf a Captain Falcon clone, to putting Link in booty shorts, this game will guarantee to be the ultimate Zelda fanservice. As long as you're a fan of Ocarina of Time, Twilight Princess, or Skyward Sword.

What's that? Your favorite game is Wind Waker? Here's the iconic item itself. It's the worst weapon moveset in the game. Like Majora's Mask? Here's some DLC where you can play as Tingle.

Yeah, that's right. Fucking. Tingle.

So get ready to relive the ending to Skyward Sword on a grander scale. And if that's not enough for you, try out these DLC transactions that'll screw you out of your money, whether it's buying the "Master Quest Pack" to actually make the original villains viable, paying thirteen dollars for an amiibo to get only one in-game rupee, or challenging the complete unfairness that is the "Twilight Pack".

*Cue a character dying.*

I was at full health and he barely touched me! HOW AM I DEAD ALREADY!

But it'll all be worth it in the end, as the final pack not only fulfills our desire to play as the final boss, but also our bigger desire to take control of the most powerful monster in all of Zelda.

*Cue gameplay of giant Cucco killing enemies while epic music is playing.*

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! First Hyrule, THEN JAPAN!

Starring:

Peter Pan (Link)

Zelda Williams (Zelda)

Rule #63 Vergil (Impa)

The Iron Sheik (Sheik)

*Archer's voice* LANAAAA! (Lana)

Darunia Sandstorm (Darunia)

Liara T'soni (Ruto)

A Troll Doll (Midna)

Shantotto (Agitha)

Kristen Stewart (Fi)

Ganon Norris (Ganondorf)

Lady Gaga (Ghirahim)

Like A Record Baby (Zant)

Ivy Valentine (Cia)

Kain Highwind (Volga)

The Wizzro Of Oz (Wizzro)

Merida (Twili Midna)

*Batman's Voice* WHERE'S SKULL KID!? (Tingle)

Gabranth (Young Link)

ManBearPig (Ganon)

And My Giant Cock (Cucco)

Hǝrule Warriors

So this game is just Dynasty Warriors with a Zelda coat of paint, and Pokkén Tournament is just Tekken with Pokémon? When are we going to get other weird Nintendo crossovers like Call of Kirby, Resident Metroid, or Mario Fantasy?

*Cue gameplay of Super Mario RPG.*

Huh, that was sooner than expected. Cool!

Thanks for reading! God I love this game! I love it so much that it actually sort of comes full circle and I start to hate a bit, but that's mainly because I'm so addicted to it, that it keeps distracting me from my work, and more importantly, from other video games (including Super Smash Bros. For Wii U the game I want to be addicted to)! Anyways, I hope there's no hard feelings between me and fans of the characters I've dissed in the beginning of the trailer, but if you really want tot argue, just PM me and we can have a big stupid argument over our opinions, then settle down over a couple of drinks...of Lon Lon Milk. Unless you're a fan of Tingle that is. I completely expected Tingle to be one of the characters in the "Majora's Mask Pack" because of how popular he is in Japan, but I'm still pissed off. Not only that, It's a really dumb decision because even though the Japanese love Tingle, they're also the only people in the world not to give a damn about Zelda games! Hell, Japan was the only country where Hyrule Warriors sold less than the standard Dynasty Warriors games, the exact opposite in every other country! So that means they just ended up pissing off the majority of their fanbase just to please their disinterested home region! I'm sorry for ranting about this, but I felt it had to be said. Anyways, get hyped for the "Boss Pack" coming out soon for us non-Japanese and prepare to start wailing on all of creation with our mighty cucco beak of divine judgment! Until then, have a great week everybody!

P.S. Seriously though, if Link and Ganondorf don't have their scarf and mullet in Zelda Wii U, there will be hell to pay.