Sorry it's been so long! I am determined to finish even if no one is reading it anymore.

Enjoy!

It's calm, like nothing had happened. Time is frozen except for the spreading blood. I stand motionlessly over the body, I don't want to look but I have to. If I don't, I might not believe what I did.

I killed him. I broke. And all for what? For myself? What is happening to me?

It's like the burn to live is forcing out my humanity. I'm learning that surviving brings out the monster you never knew you had, it makes you selfish.

I hate myself, I feel dirty and empty. And the terrible fact is, I wanted to kill him. I wanted to save myself, nothing else mattered but me. I was beaten into submission, I did what Red wanted. I did it because I needed to live.

I close my eyes and finally look away from the body, his blood pooling around my toes.

I did this, I killed him.

"Good Pet, excellent!" His praise rips my ears like claws tearing through flesh.

How could Red do this? How could he be so cruel? This boy was innocent, he didn't do anything wrong. I hesitantly glance back down at his face and wince. The boy's eyes are wide and terrifyingly empty. His mouth is open and blood drools from his lips. His face seems younger then it did before, he could have hardly been older than me.

How could I do this? I took everything from him, everything, in just a single moment. I'm a monster.

No I'm worse than that, monsters kill without intent, without motive. I had motive and that makes me a murderer.

That makes me a killer.

My brain was twisted and confused but that can't be an excuse. An innocent man is dead because of me and the truth is, is that there is a part of me that doesn't hate what I did. It felt good to finally give in.

The whispers are no longer shouting in my head, the voices are no longer coercing me. I am suddenly at peace with my mind. Peace, god I forgot what this felt like. There are no more buzzing thoughts, no more pressure. Now all I feel is relief.

Now, all I feel is hunger.

I let go of the bloodied sword and it clatters violently on the ground. I look up at Red and the mask hisses at me. I don't back down, he promised me.

Where is my reward?

(Mikey)

When my eyes fly open, my hands are already balled into tight fists.

Damnit! God damnit!

Why? Why can't I forgot? No matter how hard I try, Red is always there when I close my eyes. It's like his memory has been burned into my brain, with everything replaying over and over.

I've been meditating, hoping that it would calm this restless energy, but it has only made it worse. Red is stalking me, showing me all the vile things he made me do, all for his own enjoyment. He is a monster, and he dragged me down to his level.

I shove my head between my hands and fight the desire to cry. I am overwhelmed and exhausted. I haven't had any sense of peace since these memories came crashing back in. I'm living in a constant state of unease and anxiety, and I'm so tired of feeling like this.

"Michelangelo?"

A voice startles me and I lift my head quickly. Splinter stands above me with his hands resting calmly on his cane. I blink a few times, trying to get rid of the edging tears.

"Are you alright?" He asks softly, his eyes painfully worried.

"Yeah." I say, an automatic response. But I'm really not okay, I feel awful. I sigh, "No." Then I hug my knees to my chest and rest my chin on my arms. I sallow the burning hate in my throat as cold memories brush past my eyes. "I don't know." I mutter.

Splinter's ears twitch and he frowns solemnly, but he doesn't say anything. There's pain in his eyes and I know it's for me. He always hurts with me. Perhaps it's a father thing.

Damn, I couldn't really imagine what it would be like to see your child so hurt and broken. I doubt it's anything but horrific.

I shut my eyes again and whisper softly, "It's just that, every time I close my eyes, I see all the," I swallow hard, "the terrible things I did. I see blood and bodies, and so much Red." I cringe as a swinging sword flashes across my eyes. "It's like a repeating movie that I can't turn off."

Splinter kneels down besides me. He places his hand on my shell and I lean into him, his fur tickles my skin. He still doesn't say anything.

My jaw tightens, "He made me do it too. He made me, and I was too weak to stop. I gave into Red and in the end, I didn't even care." It's like I'm talking to myself instead of Splinter. I was hoping it would feel better to say this out loud, but it doesn't. It just sounds pathetic.

I shake my head and my muscles are tense. "I was selfish and scared and I killed them because of my weakness. They're dead! And I can't take any of it back. I can't bring any of them back."

Splinter moves his hand and gently lays it on my arm, silencing my rant.

"No," Splinter finally speaks, "You cannot bring them back."

I nod and bury my head in my arms. We sit like this in silence, me leaning into him and listening to his rhythmic breathing. His soft fur brushes against my shoulder, his presence a kind comfort. After a short silence, Splinter breaks it,

"I know that this will not take away your pain," He says softly, "but know that I am proud of you."

I scrunch my face and swivel my head to look at him.

"What?" I ask.

Splinter's eyes are warm with love and affection. "Michelangelo, you are a warrior, a fighter. You survived the worst because you are strong." He pauses and his voice softens. "But you are also exceedingly kind and have heart. For after all you have been through, you mourn the others, you remember them even though you did not know them."

"How could I not? I murdered them. I have to live with that guilt." I snap, not intending to. Splinter doesn't seem to be bothered.

"It is more than that, my son. Many people would have killed easily and without hesitance in hopes of freedom; people often kill for less. I am proud because I know that it was never easy for you, I know you fought against his wishes because it is who you are. Even in your situation, you tried to do what was right and for that I am proud."

I never really thought about what others would have done in my place. He might be right but it isn't good enough. No amount of trying changed anything, did it?

"But I lost, it was all for nothing." I mutter angrily.

Splinter shakes his head sadly, "You did what you could and that is all anyone can ask. I believe those young men would have understood that."

His words are kind, but it still isn't enough to cool my hatred. It's comforting that Splinter doesn't hold it against me, the death I caused, but it isn't enough.

"I can't let go" I admit bitterly. "I hate him Splinter, and I hate myself."

Splinter makes a deep humming sound and folds his hands together in his lap. He tilts his chin up and confesses, "It may be selfish of me, and not what you want to hear, but I am relieved that you did what you did."

I look at him with wide eyes,"why?"

"I am troubled and upset that young men have died. I mourn them and their families, I cannot imagine their pain. It is a terrible tragedy that breaks my heart but, I am glad it was them and not you. I am glad you persevered."

I'm a bit shocked. Splinter seems to have such a respect for life and for righteousness. I glance at his face and he looks so serious. He isn't sorry for what he's feeling. It's strange, he always seems so high and mighty. But the truth is, he's just a father, happy to have his son back.

He clears his throat of emotion and says, "I would advise you to stop trying to forget. Remember the victims and continue to mourn them, for in your memory they will live on." He glances at me and wraps a gentle hand around my wrist. I look up at him as he continues,"as it pertains to the one responsible, you are not ready to let go nor forgive, so," he pauses, "I ask that you at least forgive yourself. If you do not, it will be burden to you for the rest of your life. For no amount of guilt can change the past and it will only crush you if you wallow in it."

I look down at my arms which are still covered in bandages. I put a hand to them, the fabric hiding the scars.

"Forgiving is hard." I mutter quietly.

Splinter nods his head in agreement. "Yes, it is. Sometimes, it feels impossible." He admits.

He's a strange person, Splinter. He's a mysterious and an unpredictable sort, but he is also very calming, very wise. Wisdom comes from experience doesn't it? I wonder who he had to forgive?

Splinter's voice is quiet and sweet, "But I know your heart and even now it remains the same. It is within your nature to forgive." He claims.

I frown, even now? Even after all I've been through? I am not the same person I was. Still, God I hope he's right. I hope I can put all of this behind me.

But honestly, somethings are just unforgivable.

(Donnie)

I knock on the door but there isn't an answer. "Raph?" I ask but still nothing.

He has to be here, I saw him go this way hours ago and he hasn't emerged since. That is, unless he snuck his way out of the Lair. I open the door slowly and poke my head in his room. There is dim lamplight and it shines against a silhouetted figure, standing in the middle of the room.

"Raph." I call out to him but he doesn't move. I quietly walk towards him. As I get close, I notice he's shaking. His eyes are closed and his head is tilted downwards, so defeated and quiet. It makes me uncomfortable. I glance down and notice something strange about his hand. It's bleeding?

"Raph!" I exclaim and grab his hand to examine it. He doesn't pull back like I expected. In fact, he doesn't react to me at all.

His knuckles are bruised and badly cut. They are bleeding. There is a piece of glass stuck in his skin. I grip his wrist and slowly pull out the small glass shard. "Oh geez, what did you do?" I ask.

I don't get an answer but I don't really need one. I look down at the ground and notice pieces of broken glass a foot away from us. An empty mirror frame lays against the floor next to the pile. Poor thing didn't stand a chance.

I sigh and let go of his hands, they fall back to his side like a rag doll. He still hasn't acknowledged my presence and my heart withers. It's daunting to see him like this.

"You know, you and I have become the bane of furniture." I tease halfheartedly, trying to lighten the mood. It doesn't work. He finally opens his eyes and slowly looks up at me. I step back from the shocking golden flames within them. Perhaps teasing was not the brightest idea.

"What do you want Donnie?" He asks coldly.

"I wanted to talk to you." I explain.

He shakes his head and turns away. "Yeah? Well I don't want to talk to you."

"Raph please, I just-"

"I know what you're going to say," he whispers, "but don't."

My frown deepens. I clear my throat, a bit afraid of his dark energy. I try again, "Raph I understand how hard it is but-

"I don't think you do." He gripes bitterly and swings his head around to glare at me, "We've already had this song and dance and I'm done with it."

"But-"

"No! I don't want to hear another fucking speech about hope and all that crap. It's bullshit! You hear me? Bullshit. Because sometimes real life just ain't that nice and sometimes people can't be 'fixed' so just leave me alone." He snaps venomously.

It takes me a second to compose myself. A surprising feeling of resentment overwhelms me, whoever this is, it isn't Raph.

"Wow, I never expected you to give up on him so easily." I bite back angrily. He squints his eyes at me. "He's your brother for godsake and you just want to quit?"

"What the fuck do you know?" He growls and shoves me. I catch my balance and feel a fire in my heart. "You really think this is easy? You ain't stupid Donnie so use your fucking head. It isn't working, so don't make me try it again."

I open my mouth to retort but nothing comes out.

"Leave me alone, you don't get it." Raph claims angrily. A voice calls out from the doorway and surprises us both,

"Then perhaps I will."

(Raph)

Splinter grabs my hand and examines it like Donnie did. He grunts, obviously disappointed, and drops my hand. I cover it up, suddenly ashamed of my anger. I didn't care when Donnie knew but with Splinter it's different. Rage has always been a problem of mine and I've always hated the way I disappointed him. He doesn't say anything about the bloody knuckles and glances around my room.

My cheeks flush with embarrassment, Splinter doesn't typically come into our private spaces and I'm painfully aware of how messy it is. Crap thrown everywhere like old magazines and empty glass bottles. There's a pack of cigarettes sitting out on the floor and I hope he doesn't notice them, he would greatly disapprove.

"I have a feeling that I interrupted an argument." He finally says, still dragging his eyes across my room.

"I wanted to be left alone." I explain.

"Ah, and asking politely is not effective?" He asks so neutrally it almost doesn't sound like sarcasm.

I cross my arms defensively and tilt my head. "You'd be surprised." I mutter. With my brothers, it never is.

Splinter turns and looks up at me, one hand on his cane and the other behind his back. "Relax Raphael, I have not come to discuss your problems. I have come to discuss your brother."

I shrug and grumble,"I'd rather not talk about him either."

Splinter raises his brow and his ears twitch. "No? Fine, we do not have to." He agrees and then gestures to me. "Tell me then, how are you feeling?"

My jaw twitches and I shuffle my feet. "I thought we weren't talking about me."

"Well, you did not want to talk about Michelangelo either. So, we are running out of things to talk about." Clever rat.

I sigh and turn away from him. Shaking my head as I rub my hand over my temples. What am I feeling? I don't know. I shrug again, "I'm frustrated I guess, hopeless, and angry."

"Ah, see? The problems appear to be one and the same. That means we can talk about them together." He exclaims slyly.

"What do you mean?"

"Michelangelo is angry, all he sees is blind hatred towards his captors and to himself. I feel that he is trying to control this rage, but it is only building up. You must help him."

Hatred, I saw it in his eyes when he looked at me. It was almost unbearable. No, I can't do it. God I'm sick of this, everyone telling me to help him, why me? Why does it have to be me? I've tried twice and they both ended in disaster.

"I tried already, nothing works. I don't know how to get through to him." I exasperate.

"Yes, you do." Splinter says firmly.

"How?" I ask impatiently, totally over this conversation.

Splinter doesn't say anything at first, he just examines my face. Then he looks down at all the glass and the fallen, broken frame.

"Well, what did you do to the poor mirror?" He asks. My cheeks sting from embarrassment.

"I broke it." I mutter.

"You broke it. You took out the anger that was overwhelming you. With it gone, are you able to think clearer?"

I don't respond. Not necessarily clearer, but it's like my heart no longer feels so heavy. I'm tired from the strain, the built up energy I had before is gone.

Splinter continues softly, "Michelangelo has so much pent up frustration but he does not know how to release it. He is trying to control it and I fear that it is only furthering feelings. Do you remember what I told you many years ago?"

"You said sometimes, it's healthy to let out what you feel, even if it's unreasonable." I rehearse from my memory.

"Yes, and I'm afraid this is not something he should control but something he needs to let go." Splinter says. Then he places a kind hand on my arm."I know you do not think you have the capability of changing his heart, but it must be you to guide his anger."

I frown as I soak in his words.

"And I am thankful for that." He says. I watch him curiously as he speaks, "because you understand what he's feeling. Never underestimate the power of empathy Raphael."

I look away as I process. I think of Donnie and Leo and the way I reacted to their anger. Donnie, when he was sitting in that god awful room, hot tears filling his eyes and wails dying on his tongue. Leo, storming across rooftops like marching into hell and dripping with anger.

I think of myself, and all the years I've spent lashing out at others. Rage is a funny emotion, one we all feel we must hide, one we feel we have to control. Yet, ironically, it can be hindrance if we do not let it go. It can be handled in healthy ways, not that any of us are great at using them. To be honest I've been searching for positive outlets my whole life but there's only one that feels good.

With an idea popping into my head, my confidence and hope thunders back into me. "Thank you, Master Splinter."

(Leo)

I sit against the wall and read, trying to escape reality for a while. Morale around here has been low, after yesterday's spontaneous attack, we've all been quiet and avoiding each other. Raph has disappeared to his room and Donnie is sitting on the couch, quietly scribbling on a piece of paper. Mikey sits at the round kitchen table with his head down and staring into space. My heart tightens, he's just sitting there, hardly moving. Every so often I see him shake his head, but he doesn't move.

He looks like a ghost, not fully in this side of reality. Donnie told me Raph was no better. Broody and feisty, which is what I expected. I sigh and look back down at the pages again. I start at the top for the fifth time. My eyes have skimmed the line over and over, but I haven't actually read the words. I'm not focused.

I hear footsteps above me and I look up. Raph is on the upper level above me and his hands grip tightly on the rail, he looks out into the open Lair. He takes a deep breath and jumps down to the ground level, landing a few feet away from me. I watch him curiously as he moves. His shoulders are stiff and straight, his face pinches together with fierce determination and he's staring in Mikey's direction. I sit up, realizing Raph is on a mission.

"Raph?" I call out to him but he ignores me. There's a flash of scarlet red balled up in his palm and a cold wave of anxiety washes over my skin.

Oh shit. I snap my book closed and toss it to the side. I quickly push to my feet and chase after him.

"Raph wait!" I yell out and reach to grab his wrist. He stops when I tighten my grip around his hand but he doesn't turn to look at me. Donnie looks up at us from the couch.

"Raph, I don't think you should...I think it's too soon, he's having a bad day." I try to explain, not sure how to find the right words. Mikey's...lost. He isn't in any condition to be tested or pushed, not right now. Donnie suddenly leaps over the backrest of the couch and joins us.

"I thought you were done with this, bullshit?" Donnie asks bitterly, sounding a little too bitter for Donnie. I give him a warning glance and it feels odd, I don't think I've ever given Don that kind of look before, I never had to.

Raph slowly turns his head and looks over his shoulder at us. He doesn't meet our eyes. "Whatever happens, don't intervene. You understand me?"

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. Donnie and I share a concerned, confused look. What does that mean?

"What are you going to do?" Donnie asks, the bitterness fading fast and replaced with worry.

"Just don't interfere." He repeats and finally meets my eyes. His are bright with a confidence that I haven't seen in him for weeks. He has a plan and he's determined. I let go of his wrist and nod my head, trusting my brother.

"We won't." I promise but my stomach twists.

Raph takes a deep breath and wraps the mask around his eyes. He tightens it in a knot and rubs his fingers across the soft fabric. He nods curtly at me once before turning back around.

He stalks towards Mikey, who is too lost in thought to notice anyone approaching him. Raph stops a few feet away and puts his feet apart in a defensive position.

"Hello, Mikey." He greets.

Mikey snaps his attention from the daze and looks up at Raph. At first nothing happens, taking him a minute to realize the mask, but then his whole body visibly jolts. It's like a shadow ascending upon him. A new person stands to attention as he gets to his feet and freezes, his eyes changing into a number of emotions, all ranging from confusion to pissed as hell.

"You-you." He spits. "You aren't real, you're just a figment of my mind. You're just a memory. Red's gone."

Raph shakes his head. "No, I am here. I am real but I'm not who you think I am. I'm not here to hurt you." He takes a few steps and Mikey backs up hesitantly and knocks into the chairs. He holds out a hand

"No, stay away from me." He demands, his eyes darkening into a vile anger I've never seen in his blue eyes before.

Raph tilts his head to the side and takes another small step forwards "What are you going to do if I don't?"

Mikey's eyes squeeze into slits as Raph moves closer. Mikey stands his ground and tilts his head up high and Raph stands in front of him. Raph is slightly taller than Mikey and the two stare at each other. Then something snaps within Mikey. He yells out with a sharp cry of anger and slams a punch into Raph's cheek. Raph could have blocked him but didn't, he lets his head whip to the side.

Raph slowly turns his head back to him, his own fists clenching until they are white. As soon as his eyes rest on Mikey again, Mikey fires out with a harder punch into Raph's jaw. I cringe from the impact and Donnie gasps next to me.

Mikey's breathing is harsh and quick. Raph just spits out the blood and looks back at Mikey.

"Do you not feel!?" Mikey yells out as he slams another fist into Raph once again. Raph staggers backwards but doesn't do anything to stop the oncoming blow.

Mikey begins to relentlessly attack him and Raph doesn't do anything to stop it, he struggles to stay upright. I can see the blood on Raph's face and Mikey's knuckles. My heart gets stuck in my throat as I watch helplessly. I hate this but I told him we wouldn't get involved, I know that this is what he wants to happen. Donnie squirms anxiously and steps forwards to end the tirade of fists. I grab his arm and hold him steady.

"Wait." I say.

"Leo are you serious? You're just going to let Mikey beat him till he's nothing but blood and bones?"

"I promised we wouldn't get involved."

"Yeah but this is a little much!" He exclaims. I nod my head.

"I know, I'm sorry but, we need to trust him." I say.

There is a lull as both Mikey and Raph catch their breath. Mikey is shaking badly and looks down at his knuckles which are now bloody. Raph is swaying and staggering but waits patiently, somehow still standing upright with blood streaming down his face. His cheeks and eyes already bruising and probably broken.

"Blood." Mikey whispers and closes his eyes. "There was always so much blood." He sounds like he's about to cry. "I just wanted it all to stop, I wanted to stop myself, and stop you. I wanted it to stop but It never did."

Then Mikey opens his eyes and glares at Raph's beaten form, he clenches his fist. "I should have killed you when I had the chance. I wanted to so many times. That would have made it all stop."

Raph sways and takes a step back to keep upright. He almost falls over. "Is that really what you want?" He asks quietly. "to kill me?"

"It is justice, they deserve justice." Mikey stands up straight now that his breathing caught back up to him.

Raph swings his head towards me and I look away from his face, it looks awful. He stumbles to me and I feel him reaching across my ear. He wraps his fingers around the handle of my Katana and I instantly grab his wrist.

The hell? No, this is too much. He couldn't possibly mean to..

Raph stares into my eyes, pleading me to give him my Katana.

"What are you doing? This has gone too far." I glance between his gold eyes, what is he thinking!? "Don't do what I think you're going to do." I plead with him.

"I believe in him." Raph responds. "He won't hurt me."

"Your bloody face says otherwise!" Donnie exclaims.

"Please Leo, I need to do this."

I look between his eyes. He's calm, in pain, but calm. He truly believes in Mikey. Maybe Donnie and I should too. I nod and let him unsheathe it.

Donnie looks at me with panic. "Leo." He pleads.

Raph steps up to Mikey, whose wide eyed gaze falls on the Katana. He's confused, he's afraid. Raph holds the Katana sideways, flat against his palms and kneels down. He holds it out to Mikey. Mikey stares down at the weapon and then slowly back up to Raph.

"What are doing?" He asks.

"Giving you your chance." Raph mutters. "To kill me, to get justice."

"Why?" Mikey whispers.

Raph squares his shoulders and says, "That is your wish." Then he bows his head to Mikey. Mikey blinks a few times, conflicted. He reaches out with a shaky hand and grabs the hilt. He's suddenly unsure of everything, he glances at us.

I shake my head no, and I hear Donnie mutter "Mikey."

Mikey looks at Raph and grits his teeth. Then he slowly raises the Katana. Mikey's eyes are filled with loathing and darkness. I watch the Katana rise up and the anxiety is too much.

Oh god, he's going to do it. I step forwards and quickly unsheathe my other Katana, prepared to block Raph.

But Mikey freezes mid-swing. His eyes change like rolling clouds. The shadows within them vanish as if he's broken out of a trance. He blinks once, twice, and stares down at Raph, "No, I can't. This isn't right." Mikey mutters.

Raph lifts his head and meets his gaze.

"You, you can't be Red. Red would never..." Mikey mutters and then reaches out with shaky fingers. His fingertips brush against the mask and he tilts his head to the side.

"Raph?" Mikey asks.

I release the breath I was holding and let go of my Katana.

Mikey slowly drags the mask off of Raph's eyes and his face transforms into disbelief.

"It is you, you're my brother." He says, almost smiling. But the smile fades and his eyes widen with realization. He stumbles a couple steps backwards, moving away from Raph as quickly as possible. "No." He drops the Katana and it clatters harshly on the ground.

He looks over at me and horror frames his face. He glances down at his bruised and bloodied knuckles and shakes his head.

"No, I didn't-I wasn't going to..." He stutters. He is flustered and scared. He closes his eyes and shakes his head again like he's trying to wake up from a bad dream.

"Oh my god. Oh my god, I'm...I'm..." He sallows the horror and drops to his knees. "Raph, I'm so sorry."

Raph stands and walks towards Mikey, he squats down to his match his eye level and learns forwards. He puts a hand on Mikey's shoulder.

"Hey stop." He hushes him softly, "stop it's okay. I am okay." Through the blood and his partially swollen face, he smiles. Mikey stares at him with shock and shakes his head. Mikey fights tears and lurches forwards. He wraps his arms around Raph in a hug. Raph falls backwards from the force but catches himself. He chuckles and returns the affection. Mikey holds on for dear life.

" I-I almost killed you." Mikey mutters into his shoulder. Hiding his face from the rest of us.

Raph shakes his head slightly, "No, you wouldn't have done it. It's not in your nature."

Donnie and I walk up to them. I'm happy they're both okay and happy Mikey's trance was broken, but I disliked the methods Raph used. I shake my head at Raph as he winks at me. We'll talk about my disapproval later.

Donnie kneels down next to them and smiles.

"Oh Raph, you idiot." Donnie sighs.

Tis all for now! The end is neigh my friends, the last chapter will probably be the next one!

Thanks so much! Don't forget to review!