Title: For All the Right Reasons

Summary: They fell in love at a young age, parted bitterly in their teens, and moved on with life eventually. Years later Kurosaki Ichigo gets married. And just like that, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques decides to return once and for all, out of all the lost causes. And what are lost causes if not really the ones that are worth fighting for? GrimmIchi AU Angst

A/N: I think it was one year ago when I swore to never write a GrimmIchi multi-chaptered fic, but then I'm just one of those people who are so prone to being inconsistent as fuck. This is simply one of those ideas that pop out with hardly any good reason. Come to think of it, I have no idea what I'll do with the next chapter if there ever will be one.

...

In my life, I had done nothing, good or bad, that would've mattered much. Right now would probably be the ideal time to alter that and be fearless, just this once, but Grimmjow was going to leave anyway, with or without anyone's feelings taken into account. My mind then refused to form any image of him being gone, and maybe that stubborness was all I needed to maintain whatever strength of character I might've been showing at the moment. To top things off, neither had I the audacity to suspend our fate this time around, and it was precisely that which gave him the chance to say,

"This world ain't never gonna be gentle enough for the failure that is me."

"Somehow I was led to believe we were worth the fight."

"I'm not worth any fight. And maybe you should've seen from the start the pain in the ass that was me; I'm nothing but a huge-ass scar in the making."

I walked away at that, right beneath the gaze of the stars whose otherwise glorious sheen was all too penetrating. It might be a long time before either of us would come out fine after this, and a still longer time before we would realize this was, after all, some kind of a blessing in disguise. The fact was, Grimmjow Jaegerjacques remained the best thing that ever had happened to me. Like all good things, he came with a price which sometimes I could not afford. And yet every pain he had caused had been more than generously justified by the joy he had brought me. And now I supposed we were heading toward what one might call an ending. Even though the affection did not start to fade little by little for us, it was somehow clear that the only possible step to take next was to let everything go. All because Grimmjow believed there was nothing in this world whose existence he could enrich. Because he was constantly lonely, and hurting for a reason known only by his soul, he was attempting to allay his situation by resolving to part with anything he could potentially destroy—me for instance—without ever knowing he would be doing far more damage than if he had given us one last shot.

Still I walked away.

Disappear was the first thing he did as soon as the week came to an end. Never coming back was the next. While the sense of him being absent swallowed me whole, I could feel my soul protesting against that reality. Well, some claimed that even the worst moments of one's life could be turned around, provided you wouldn't lose hope. I tried not to. Right now I had only my pride standing between me and destruction. Frankly I wasn't concerned with whether this was something I deserved or not; it simply struck me as a punishment I had to escape. For the first time in what must have been my whole life, real, palpable loneliness was besetting me. Perhaps this was what Grimmjow had been feeling all along, but we both knew his own demons alone were the ones responsible for that emotional slavery. Grimmjow did believe there was nothing more to life. He was just so entirely convinced of that. For that reason had he decided to walk away from everything he had known after graduating from high school.

"That fucker Grimmjow sure just smoked out without a word, huh? Did he think an idiot like him would have better chances abroad? I'll bet you two fingers he won't ever make it through first semester in whatever shitty university his dad has asked him to attend." Szayel Apollo Grantz was telling no one in particular.

Of course I had known his name would come flying out people's mouths one way or another, and immediately it began to appear as though I was lending my feelings to be mangled—here in this post-graduation party in Renji Abarai's house. Meanwhile, my friend Ishida spoke,

"If you asked me, I'd say he's one lucky bastard. How many of us here have been given a chance to tread a completely different road?"

"Shut up, nerd. How hard was it to give us a head's up? We all went through three years of shitty high school and air is the best farewell he could honor us?" Nnoitora Jiruga was spitting his words.

The weight of their remarks pretty much showed how bad an idea it was for a broken-hearted piss-sop to attend parties. By this time it seemed any action aside from listening to them was more preferrable. Willing to dispose my mind to other issues, I stood up, meaning to leave without notice, not one of them ever guessing what was going on in my mind, except for Ulquiorra, with whom I collided shoulders as I trouped past the group. Mumbling vague apologies, I proceeded outside to complete my departure, with every bit of me shrinking as the planet turned on. No sooner did I reach the front door when a palm landed on my shoulder. This gesture was enough to postpone my leave, but perhaps that was the most it could do.

"Need something, Ulqui?"

"He was never one to be tied down by anything, only because he was headed to a destruction about which not you, or anyone for that matter, could've done a shit. You meant a lot to Grimmjow, if it's worth saying now." Ulquiorra recited all this with hardly any indication that he was in fact capable of feelings. But his conduct happened to be the least of my concerns now. For one thing, I could easily read the truth in what he had spoken without him having to stress his words with something like emotion.

Ulquiorra Cifer was nothing short of Grimmjow's childhood friend. If this knowledge meant anything to my life now I could be tempted to honor his observation with a word or two. Instead there was a nod, and that just about marked the end of the evening for me.

I was eighteen years old, and eighteen-year olds often would find themselves cherishing their unhappiness.

...

When stories ended we often would give them credit when we had no real reason to. 'Be glad something profound happened', was what you'd always hear. The truth was, in any great love story there might even be more suffering than joy. For people who were so deep in love it might've been impossible to draw the distinction between pain and happiness—as in my case. Apparently, it wasn't enough that I had given Grimmjow my fucking soul, and now I wondered why it was even necessary to give him the slightest thought after all had been said and done. It was safe to say my love for him would go on to burn for a very long time, but at one point something would have to trump it—instinct. If not, then, time would do the job. I was willing to be done with the past, and I knew that if the willingness was there the misery would not have to stretch for so long. In the meantime, I was about to learn a valuable lesson—that the nastiest thing about suffering was how swift it was to grow accustomed to it.

Before I knew it, five years had passed.

Following Grimmjow's departure, the first three years that had trailed by had established themselves as a seared scar in my soul. If that wasn't true, well, I could not give any explanation as to how those empty seasons had passed me by like the wind. The remaining two years, on the other hand, had been my recuperation.

I had moved on. Perhaps. At this point in my life, where I was eager at any cost to escape the solitude which was ever so prone to overtaking me, I found that it rested on my decision to go out and accept the conventions of this world, whatever that meant. Predictably this decision would come in the form of accepting Renji Abarai's invitation to some semi-fancy restaurant on a rainy day. We had, after all, been best friends.

For better or for worse, I assumed a genial air upon entering the appointed restaurant. When I caught sight of Renji I learned that there were people in this world who were destined never to be injured by time. I was kept to that line of thinking until he rose to his feet to welcome me.

"Doctor Kurosaki. How are you?" He was winking as he spoke.

"Don't call me that. I still have years of residency ahead of me. Anyway, I'm glad you at least have half the mind to visit your hometown once in a while. How's life treating you, Renji?"

"Pretty fine, if ya know what I mean."

"Why did you ask me here?"

"Old times' sake. Duh."

"Is that so? So where are the other Karakura dudes and chicks then?"

The mention of our old alma mater's name jolted him into seriousness, so that I became sure his mind had started to shore off to the far-limits of a reminiscence. After graduation, we all had gone our separate ways. I alone had stayed behind, here in this aging town whose sole appeal depended on the ghost rumors surrounding it. I had stayed behind for lord knew what reason. Maybe because I somehow believed my flesh and blood belonged here that I could not find the courage to consign this place to the past. Indeed I had thus far endured so many failed attempts to leave until I no longer felt that, either primarily or secondarily, I could ever be absolved of the sense of belonging which this town was evincing for me.

Maybe because, all along, the scent of this place had served itself as a lingering reminder of him—him who was irrevocably gone.

"Okay, you got me. It's because Rukia was bugging me to call on you. She said you hadn't been answering her emails. Subsequently, it convinced me of two things; first, you're dodging our old friends; second, you ain't getting any fun and that's been the case for the last five years."

"Indeed"

"Hey, I'm serious. Look at me. I will tell you something now and promise me you're not going to walk away."

"Did you happen to have planned something other than dinner, Renji?"

"As a matter of fact, yeah."

He went on to inspect his watch, which disposed me to realize he had set me up on something I could not have guessed in the first place.

"What are you shoving on me this time around, pray tell?"

"A gorgeous date. Forty minutes from now someone is going to walk through that door over there and she will sweep you off your feet."

"You son of a gun. This is the last time you'll ever pull this kind of shenanigan on me. Or better yet, it's not gonna happen."

"Ichigo, you are going to thank me afterwards and in the future you'll look back on this night of all nights—only to thank me again. Over and over. In short, you have to meet her. Her name is Mika Yamazaki." If Renji's eyes weren't twinkling then I was fucking blind.

"I don't know." I heard myself say with resignation.

"Mate, listen to me, you son of a bitch. If today were one of our high school days I wouldn't so easily pass on the opportunity of poking fun on you and your glum self. In fact, I'd even do everything in my power to aggravate your mood. You know me; back in the day I could easily pull something so cruel out of pure fun. But now, now that we're both twenty-two—"

" —We're twenty-three now—"

"—Whatever. The point is, I'm hoping against hope that you're not thinking of that…of him, most of all."

Renji, Rukia, Inoue and Ulquiorra were the only ones who knew what Grimmjow and I had been to one another. Naturally, any mention of anything relating to him proved to be some immovable obstacle to what comfort my surroundings had in store for me. I spoke just then,

"When he left you, I mean Szayel, how did you pick up?"

He turned his head away from me, and became quiet. Indeed, his stillness now indicated among other things a total absence of composure. There had been no shortage of intrigues as far as his lovelife was concerned because, for one thing, Renji Abarai had once been in love with Szayel Apollo Grantz, who in return had toyed with his feelings.

"By and by I moved on. And so should you."

"I have moved on long before now. Forgetting, on the other hand, is quite another thing." I said in a measured voice.

Restraining my temper despite my grim emotional circumstances had always been a reminder of how little I was used to giving away my real feelings. In fact, there was little to suggest now that I was hating this conversation already, with all the strength of my soul. But because my life was never a stranger to complications, Renji started making things more difficult. He said,

"You're one of those dudes who can achieve so much more in life. You could've been getting engaged now instead of working your ass day in and day out in your stupid university laboratory. What I'm saying is, he's gone. You said it yourself right after graduation. Your life once revolved around him, but that can't be the case now since he is fucking no more, like the fucking 90's."

And so it appeared our conversation was progressing so fast neither of us knew where to slow down anymore. Initially, I had been prepared from the start to turn this otherwise pleasant evening into something that would've been worth looking back into. Instead, I had to be bitter like hell, to finally end up declaring,

"My life didn't revolve around Grimmjow. I fancied he himself was my whole fucking life."

"Do you still love him?"

There had been many occasions in the past where Renji had caused me distress—each one worse than the next—by spouting uncalled-for comments time and again. Now if I were to rank his current question according to how distressing it was, it might as well be the last piece of crap I'd receive from him. Ever. Unless he was up to something noble or life-transforming, I could just storm out now. But then and there I resolved to run the risk of doing more damage than good, by simply replying,

"Damn you. I've never loved anyone else in my life. Never will."

TBC