Title: NO

Author: Moonsetta

Date: Friday, March 06, 2015

Summary: What if the villains of Gotham and Deathstroke actually shipped Batman and Nightwing?

A/N: For 'kuromi123' via her review on BE:

I loved this so much, Damian is so goddamn smart. XD Why did the Joker kiss Nightwing though? And what if the villains of Gotham and Deathstroke actually shipped Batman and Nightwing? If your still doing the what if thing, any-who I loved this so much, I couldn't stop laughing and loving it and my mom was just giving me this look the whole time, like "what did I do to make you this way" XD

Your request for termination of union has been reviewed by our executives. It has been concluded that due to no legal ramifications being present within Zelch-Uza's ceremony said unification cannot be terminated on such a basis…

Bruce grunted, not at all surprised at the response. He released a breath as he folded the paper up and tossed the letter into the fireplace. No one had lit a blaze within it yet but given the chill of Gotham's incoming winter Alfred was bound to see to it soon if he wasn't already on his way to his master's study. And Bruce wouldn't dare interfere with Alfred's chore-tempo. The elderly man was somewhat stubborn and overly possessive about it. Heck, most of the time Bruce thought the Manor's chores was some form of meditation for his butler.

Beep!

Frowning, Bruce's eyes darted to the edge of his desk where his cell phone was resting. The third indent on the side was blinking in two second intervals with an internal red light.

Bats and Birds.

The billionaire reached for the phone, flipping a gray switch on the side (a security cypher screening) before he scooped it up. His family's and allies' contacts didn't show their actual identities-too easy of a connection for a basic hacker-but each had their own alternate ID's and his immediate family members each had a carousel of IDs to choose from.

Austin Orwell

Ha ha Tim. Very funny.

Bruce scowled mockingly at the phone as if his apprentice could see his expression through it before he pressed the call button, opening the line.

"Hey, are you busy?"

"Hello to you too…Austin."

He heard the teen release a breath of a distracted laugh that was clearly…uneasy. Instantly, Bruce was worried. They avoided calling civilian phones at even the worst of times. So, why wasn't Tim calling the cave? Dick and Damian were in the cave's gym practicing and would have heard the call. Not that Damian himself would have answered if it was Tim unless he wanted to mock him but still-

"Oh yeah-hi…you busy?"

Bruce glanced over at the small amount of paperwork on his desk from Wayne Enterprises and concluded-yes he was busy. Not from his civilian work though-Lucius had been surprisingly active lately like he had taken a dive into the fountain of youth. Who knows-maybe he had. Fox could be strange like that. However the stack of papers beside his company's paperwork was easily towering over it at two and a half feet tall. Damn international and foreign policy! Maybe Batman needed a secretary.

"What is it?" Bruce asked instead.

"Wellllll, I was investigating that abandoned parking garage below the old Dividend Incorporated office building…"

"-and?"

"I did! Then I caught sight of the Fast Bird down on Yoshire Drive walking into the West Branch Soitopep Gros-Michel Factory."

Fast Bird-The Penguin. Yoshire Drive-Habit Street. West Branch Soitopep? Gros-Michel Factory?

Hmm...oh! He had it!

The West Branch Soitopep Gros-Michel Factory-The East Branch Library.

But the Penguin going to the library at…Bruce glanced at his watch-1:00am? Great…

"What did you find?"

"A bad guy meeting room," Tim said in a high pitched voice before he fell silent again.

"I am not playing a guessing game with you," the man growled.

On the other end the teen sighed, "I'm not trying to annoy you Boss but eh…oh man this is awkward. I'm not the only one that showed up and we're heading back now. We need to talk to you and Richard about something we found-but make sure you send Dummy to bed."

"Robin!" echoed out from somewhere beyond Tim's voice.

"Oh, got to go! ETA: Ten minutes!"

Click!

OK then…

Bruce slipped his phone into his pocket and turned to the clock just as his trained ears picked up the sound from friction as the clock swung open, revealing a slightly reddened Damian. The boy was flushed, covered in sweat, breathing deeply and his eyes were at mock half-mast. A long workout then and Bruce momentarily thought that he really shouldn't be encouraging his son to pick up on the habit of working out for hours on end. Though apparently he wasn't the ONLY party in this house that was doing so.

"Father," Damian said, a slight scratch in his voice from weariness before the boy caught it and straitened his posture, taking only a moment more to clear his throat.

"Evening," the boy tried again.

"Good evening. Training?"

There a slight glint of unobtainable joy in the child's left eye before Damian spoke. And…and there was certain warmth about his next words though he did very well to hide it.

"Dad was teaching me how to coordinate a Shaposhnikova into my primary take down."

Jealous. He was jealous at that. Denying that was just as foolish as being so. Bruce knew that Dick wasn't actively trying to sway Damian's affections away from him but still-he couldn't deny that there would probably forever be an awkward stretch between he and his blood son because of the past and because the boy still gazed upon his father much more like a movie star or a high ranking politician than an actual parent.

The uncomfortable silence was cut off when the hallway door opened behind Bruce and he noticed Damian's eyes flying towards the room's new occupant.

"Ah, perfect timing I see."

Bruce turned to eye Alfred standing in the doorway with a taunting smile. He probably thought that they had been spending time together-making progress. Sorry old friend.

The billionaire turned back towards the clock just as his son stepped around him, a different light in his eyes as he gazed at Alfred Pennyworth. Yeah, Damian even had a stable relationship with their butler. He had missed so much.

"Come Master Damian, a bath before bed and perhaps you could do me a favor. I have these troublesome orange and herb cookies in excess and haven't a mind what to do about them."

The boy sighed and rolled his eyes as if saying 'I pity you common folk' before combing a hand through his hair.

"Very well, I'll see to your problem shortly. Oh, father?"

Bruce had been leaving the two to prepare for the boy's bed time and had a hand on the edge of the clock.

"Yes?" the billionaire asked without turning around.

"Ensure Dad gets to bed soon and convince him to take some time away from the Titans."

"What? Why?"

Bruce turned his head to ask and saw that Damian had composed enough steadiness and calm to stand straight with his arms crossed over his chest. His chin was angled up too, mock-authority.

"Their calls are distracting him from our training. I beseech you to fix it. ..Seduce him if you must!"

And Damian was gone, down the hallway and out of sight before Bruce could form a rebuttal. And he didn't even manage a sound before Alfred was following the child with an affectionate shake of his head.

The billionaire shook off his shock and reached up to rub at the skin between his eyes. Just a matter of time-he kept telling himself. It was just a matter of time before he found foreign policy that would alleviate this matrimony situation. Just time-he reminded himself again. Releasing another breathed sigh he stepped into the passageway of stairs that lead down to his HQ, the clock closing behind him.

He found his partner just closing a line from one of his oldest friends. No wonder Damian had been intense, the image had lasted on the main computer's screen long enough for Bruce to spot that the caller had been Arsenal AKA Roy Harper-Dick Grayson's first fellow crime fighting friend. Well-the first one that had been his age in their childhood anyways. Dick released a low groan and stepped away from the lights of the screen just as Bruce descended the last steps into the Batcave.

The younger man glanced up at the sound, surprised at first but then he smiled like he normally did and suddenly all that tension was gone.

He had an erasing-tension-smile…how? Bruce would always wonder.

"Hey, heading out?" Dick asked.

The Flying Grayson wasn't nearly as tired as Damian had appeared but the man's skin was still damp with sweat, his feet were bare, a pair of navy sweatpants hung from his waist lazily and a white t-shirt was hanging around his neck. It had gone from a torso covering to a sweat rag very recently. They lost so many clothes that way. The younger man's hair was surprisingly still volume-filled despite sweating and was impossibly not sticking to his scalp! (Jealous!) His skin had no flush to it but it was non-tight about his shoulders and elbows. Stretching for a cool down then. Within the last ten minutes-Bruce deduced. The man's bare torso showed a few old scars-none Bruce hadn't seen before-and thankfully no new injuries. Then he shook his head, half to answer his partner's inquiry and half to shake Batman's influence from his mind. He didn't need to analyze what Dick's exercises had consisted of in the last few hours.

If he had been showing Damian how to incorporate a Shaposhnikova though…

STOP!

He had to stop it.

"Is it Damian? He's only been out of my sight for 65 seconds," Dick asked tilting his head to the side as his right hand reached up to curl into the sweat-stained shirt around his neck.

"No, he's going to bed. Though Alfred convinced him to have some cookies."

Dick's eyes sparked a bit as his smile turned part-way into smirk.

"Yeah, Alfie's good at that."

"He strangely always was good with bribes," Bruce mused with a smile that had fallen soft.

"So, I know the League hasn't called and I've closed my commlink lines off to anyone who isn't experiencing at least a level 3 defcon disaster. So, what's up?"

Bruce huffed, frowned and crossed his arms over his chest in mock reflection of his son mere minutes before, "Do I have to have a reason to come down here and talk to you?"

Dick chuckled, the light blue of his bright eyes disappearing for a moment behind his eyelids before he spoke.

"No, you don't-but you always do. Because you're Batman!"

Once again Batman apparently spelled out trouble wherever he went.

"Tim called. He found something of interest after following the Penguin into the East Branch Library."

Dick raised a disbelief-eyebrow.

"I don't know why the Penguin is going to the library at 1:00am either. Tim said some of the others showed up there as well and they found something they need to talk to the two of us about."

Dick's face kind of fell into a worried frown, "Bruce the last few times someone wanted to talk to the two of us we ended up getting married via Damian, next you ended up with a quantum arrow in your shoulder via Roy, I ended up in a gorilla suit at a local car wash and then Alfred ended up starting a baked-goods fad on the Watchtower."

Bruce scowled, "Don't remind me. Clark won't stop asking about the Pennyworth Apple Turnovers! And Hal's no better about Alfred's Cinnamon Honey Cubes!"

The younger man's worried frown disappeared into a short lived, hungry smile, "Yeah, those are good."

Just as the smile disappeared back into oblivion to be replaced by the worried frown again a sudden screech made the duo turn to the second north entrance. Tim and his motorcycle sped into the cave first-stopping just as fast as the teen grabbed the left saddlebag from the back and jumped off to the side. Cassandra's motorcycle pulled up beside Tim's bike as both Batgirl and Spoiler whispered something to one another before they stepped off on opposite sides. Another bike pulled in behind the young girls, displaying the cross-baring form of the Huntress. Like Tim, she too was reaching for one of the rear saddlebags on her bike as soon as it settled.

"Hey girls…and Tim," Dick called with a wave.

The teen slipped his helmet off one-handed and childishly stuck his tongue out at him.

"Wow Tim, bbbuurrrnnn!" Spoiler drawled, reaching up to pull down her hood and pull away the mask over her face.

Her blue eyes were sparkling mischievously as her blonde tresses fell down around her face and her lips were curved into a humored smirk. Tim reached up to remove his own mask, after placing his helmet down onto the locking mechanism between the handlebars of his motorcycle, and rolled his own blue eyes. However they were shaking with a bit of something like apprehension as his focus wavered back to his mentors near the main computer. He took a deep breath as he stuffed his domino mask into a compartment on his belt only to suddenly find said now empty hand weighed down by the saddlebag that had been thrown at him by Huntress.

"Just keep it. I'll get another," she huffed as she turned and climbed back on her motorcycle.

OK. She apparently wanted no part of this.

"Uh, thanks," Tim called uneasily as the largest of the motorcycles tore out of the cave.

"Don't mention it!" Huntress called back.

"….EVER!"

Tim winced; Stephanie knocked her head to the left and then the right respectively while Cassandra (still masked) released a hum of breath and shrugged.

"Hey, it's Huntress what are you going to do?" Tim muttered, adjusting his hold on the saddlebags and making his way over to his mentors.

Stephanie and Cassandra followed with Batgirl's saddlebags as well.

Bruce muttered, "There better not be explosives or any variety of slime in there."

Unfortunately, it looked like he had given Spoiler an idea. Bruce made a mental note for Batman to keep an eye on her in the immediate future.

"Pictures," Cassandra said and then overturned the bag on the nearby table. Stephanie followed and Tim copied them with a sigh.

"OK, go ahead."

Bruce looked at Dick and Dick looked at the girls and Tim and said girls and Tim all looked away distractedly.

Sighing, Dick stepped forward and lifted up one of the blank papers that made up a majority of the pile. He turned it over, ready to examine with a skeptical eye-

And felt his intestines jump into his throat.

"What is it?" Bruce asked.

Dick couldn't move and any intention he had in the back of his mind of slamming said paper down and burning everything before him was abruptly ended when Bruce slid the paper from his hands to examine it himself. And then promptly choked.

Stephanie giggled, "Apparently our bad guys ship you two and like ship you guys hard. Oh that's the one of Batman spreading you over the gargoyle isn't it?"

"I'm going to be sick," Dick choked and fell back against the Bat computer with his hands clamped over his mouth.

"Oh don't worry there's cute ones too," Stephanie said.

"Steph!" Tim groaned.

"Oh shush. There's this little adorable one drawn by The Riddler of you two wearing Santa hats and cuddling on a bed of roses."

"Wa-wa-wa-wa," Bruce muttered eyes still on the photo in his hand.

Cassandra walked up and poked him before turning back to her friend and brother, "Broke?"

"Probably," Tim said with a sigh.

"Oh come on, if these pictures aren't adorable they're hot. In fact here ahhh-got it!"

"Steph don't tell me that's-"

"Ivy's picture of Batman and Nightwing making out inside a giant venus fly trap. While Batman's ripping Nightwing's suit to shreds and holding his-"

"Stephanie!" Tim yelled.

"What, it's fine if you think Dick's hot we all think he's hot and besides I'd totally make out with him."

Over at the computer Dick groaned, "No, I am NOT hearing this!"

Cassandra nodded, "Hot."

That broke Bruce out of his trance and he slammed the picture face down on the table, eyes scanning a few others before he shook his head to clear out his thoughts and set a glare on the three teens before him.

"What the hell was going on there?"

Tim looked sheepish, "Apparently you and Dick, as Batman and Nightwing, have a fan club among our villains. I warn you, Catwoman's are so adorable your heart will stop and plummet into your stomach."

"And Mr. Freeze's are so raunchy. There's this one in there where your uniforms are spread out over the cave floor and you've got Dick lying on your cape gasping for breath as you shove-UMPH!"

Tim had slapped a hand over her mouth while his face burned.

"SHUT UP!"

Cassandra stepped forward and shuffled through the pictures, finding one and holding it up towards her foster father, "Cute."

Bruce took the paper and glanced at a drawing of chibi-versions of Batman and Nightwing sharing a piece of cake. Well, Chibi-Nightwing was sharing the cake, the Chibi-Batman was working on a Batarang as he was fed.

OK, yeah it was cute. Very cute. His attention was back on Cassandra though when she went back to the mass of paper and pulled out a single 5x8 picture, which she clutched to her chest and didn't let him see.

"Favorite. I keep?"

"Uh, sure," Bruce muttered.

"I want one too!" Stephanie yelled as she flipped Tim over onto his head and rushed forward to grab a picture of her own.

Tim got to his feet, looked over sadly at Dick, who was still curled up by the computer and then at Bruce, whose eyes were already planning something for the villains-he could tell. Stephanie was squealing at Cass's picture and sighing at her own. He rolled his eyes to the ceiling and reached to grab Stephanie's arm.

"I'll take her home."

"Do I have to go home already? I was going to send this picture to Conner!"

"Stephanie how do you have his phone number?"

The blonde stuck out her tongue, "I got it off yours when he and I mutually agreed that we'd totally marry you so we could make out with Nightwing."

Dick whined and curled up against the computer even closer.

Tim shook off his shock and then turned to his brother-step-father-whatever this situation made them.

"By the way Huntress found evidence of Deathstroke, Ra's al Ghul. Hugo Strange, Owl Man and Mr. Marvel building a Nightwing shrine across town."

"A shrine?" Dick asked, raising his face out of the folds of his arms.

"Well, it was kind of in Jason's territory so he said to tell you and I quote, 'Keep your freaky old man harem out of my neighborhood, MOM.' Unquote."

Dick groaned and buried his face in his arms again, "This is not happening to me! This is not happening to me!"

"Sent!" Stephanie suddenly called out, holding up her cell phone proudly.

"Arg! Come on, we're leaving!" Tim yelled and pulled the girl to his motorcycle.

When they departed the cave with a roar Cass looked back and forth between Bruce and Dick, glanced down at her picture and then made her way to the changing area. While swapping out her Batgirl suit in favor of a t-shirt and gray sweatpants for the evening she placed the photo down on the nearby counter and studied it. The drawing was done in color, all the lines melting into the dark shadows surrounding the two figures. Batman was holding Nightwing about his waist and the younger man had his legs around his partner's waist. In addition, Nightwing had one arm hooked around Batman's neck as the Dark Knight was leaning forward to pull at Nightwing's glove with his teeth. If it had just been all that it would have qualified as more erotic of a photo, but what made it adorable were the smaller details. Batman's arms where they held Nightwing's waist were locked at the elbow, showcasing his strength, but they weren't forcing his partner against his body-just keeping him up. Batman had his head tilted to the side as well his mouth curved up, clearly adoring the being he held in his arms.

Nightwing's face was open and for once his smile wasn't sharp, excited and full of energy, it was small and soft. Even if Batman was dragging his glove from his hand with his teeth, Nightwing's gaze was up, locked with his partner's eyes. The neutral tones of the background also helped the impression that the moment was a silent one between the two. Just the two of them, no one else, staring at one another with-dare she say it? Love!

Scooping up the photo again, she made her way back out into the cave where Bruce and Dick were standing side by side, sorting through the papers and pictures. She slid her own photo into her pocket-she didn't want to chance them asking for it back. She readily would give it back if they asked but-she really didn't want to. Though she didn't quite understand why.

She knew that her foster father and his original protégé didn't do things like this. Didn't feel that way about each other.

But at the same time-she didn't find herself opposed to the possibility.

As she stepped onto the stairs and began the trek up to Wayne Manor for an Alfred-Snack she theorized that perhaps it was because she did indeed care about her foster father. Bruce Wayne was a great man that she owed a great deal too. And she just cared…

She liked the picture and idea presented because-she was happy when she saw Bruce happy.

She'd stick with that!

Of course, only half way up the stairs she heard two screams in unison. Oh, they must have found Two-Face's drawing of them on the Batmobile. Strange if Stephanie hadn't taken that one…which one had she taken?

"…"

There was silence below and Cass turned to maybe make her way back down when:

"I WANT A DIVORCE!"

"I'm working on it!"

"Oh no," she breathed cutely.

She didn't like them upset. She had to do something! Her thoughts drifted back to the picture she had shown the two of them earlier and she smiled wide. Then she promptly skipped up the rest of the stairs, through Bruce's study and into the kitchen where Alfred was cooling a sheet of sugar cookies on the counter and Damian was sitting at the bar, eating a plate of his favorite orange and herb cookies.

"Hungry Miss Cassandra?" Alfred asked.

She nodded and was handed a cookie, which she ate quickly before she walked over and pulled one of the mixing bowls out from the cabinets.

"Teach, cake?"

"Why certainly," Alfred said with a sudden bright smile.

"May I assist?" Damian asked.

Alfred looked at Cassandra who nodded enthusiastically.

"Well then let's get to work."

The next morning Bruce and Dick would awaken to find themselves the only inhabitants of the Manor and locate a three layer chocolate cake on the kitchen counter decorated with black birds and blue bats, each layer's outer edge surrounded by miniature blueberries and blackberries topped with whipped cream.

-AND IT WAS DELICIOUS!

A/N: The last line is kind of a lie-I don't actually like cake.

But I'm certain that most of you do so instead of a review, tell me your favorite/dream cake you want to either see and/or devour!

~Moonsetta