Title: I am the child I was

Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Anne Sexton

Warnings: references to the Winter Soldier's backstory; some grief/guilt

Pairings: none

Rating: PG

Point of view: third

Wordcount: 2375

Prompt: Any/Any Coming of age. I want to see what happens if one of the avengers is deaged and they have to grow up. Not magic cure.

He still dreams about that first day, when he turned away from helping Rebecca with her sack of books and stepped into the future. Stevie had been just behind Rebecca and guiding Olivia with her bag, and thankfully Jules had been home with Mama, and the future was –

He'd frozen, eyes wide at the bright room that looked like something out of HG Wells, and when he looked back for his sisters and Steve, there was only a room full of equipment. He'd tried not to panic, but he still tastes the fear sometimes, and it's always worse in the dream.

He'd closed his eyes for just a moment to fight the panic down, and that's when the building collapsed around him. In the dream, this is when he suffocates, crying for his mama. Or he digs around in the rubble, finding Becca and Livy and Jules already dead, and then Steve, who dies blaming him.

When he's awake, he barely remembers what Julia looked like. Or Mama's voice, or the books Rebecca liked the most, or what made Olivia laugh the loudest, or what Pa did at work.

In real life, he was found by a team of heroes and he woke up in a hospital the likes of which he'd never seen before. He remembers thinking, If only Stevie could come to a place like this, and then the nurses where checking him over, and one of the heroes was back, one who looked so much like Steve.

Once, when they were kids, he'd told Steve that he was a terrible liar and Steve had laughed, "What do I need to lie for?"

It took a single minute for him to realize it was Steve in front of him, and that (somehow, someway) he was in the future.

He still dreams about that day. Usually nightmares, but not always. He's watched the footage and read the reports, devoured the six 'official' biographies and scoffed his way through the dozen 'biopics' on him and Stevie and their team.

He'd marveled for weeks about being in the history books. He'd delighted in being a hero. "You and me, Stevie," he'd laughed, "you and me."

For six months, he'd lived in a building straight out his favorite books, thinking it was such an adventure. He knew he'd go home at some point, so he wanted to memorize everything so he could tell Steve, so he could get it just right. He'd shadowed Mr. Stark for days at a time, asking him all sorts of questions about his machines, made friends with Mr. Jarvis and the robots (robots!). He'd watched Mr. Hawkeye shoot arrows and taken a few gymnastics lessons with Ms. Romanoff, and peppered Dr. Banner with questions about time travel.

But he spent most of his time with Steve, all grown up and healthy. It was the neatest thing. After he read the book about the project, though, he shouted at Steve because it said right there that the procedure hurt something fierce, and Steve laughed at him, "You said that last time, too."

For six months, they tried to find a way to send him home, but finally, Steve and Mr. Stark had sat him down in the middle of Mr. Stark's lab, with Butterfingers on the left and Dummy on the right, with You at his back, and Mr. Stark said, "We can't send you home."

Most of his dreams are about the first day. Sometimes, though, he dreams about the day he stopped being Bucky Barnes, how he stared up at Tony Stark in disbelief, and then turned beseeching eyes on Steve. Steve had said, "I'm so sorry, Buck," and he hadn't known what to do, so he ran. Mr. Jarvis hadn't wanted to let him up to the roof, but he'd cried, crouched in the corner of the elevator, as small as he could make himself, and finally, the elevator began going upwards.

Steve had tried to explain, before he'd even been let out of the hospital, that they'd been fighting a villain and there was a beam of light. His adult self had gotten in the way—the beam had been meant for Steve. It was a one-time thing, Ms. Romanoff said on the roof, while he'd looked out over the New York of the future. They couldn't undo what the beam did. Couldn't send him home or bring his adult self back.

(He knows, of course, that it's not time travel. He's known that since he looked up into Stevie Rogers' eyes on a giant's face. It's not time travel. His body has been regressed.)

"What happens now?" he asked Ms. Romanoff. It didn't seem like an adventure anymore. He wanted to go home, to Mama and Pa and Becca and Livy and Jules and Steve.

"It's up to you," Ms. Romanoff said.

He stopped being Bucky Barnes that day. Eighty-six years in the future, long after the history books said he died. He stopped being Bucky Barnes for the second time but the only one he remembers.

He dreams about the first day and the last day, and he wakes up. He wakes up every time.

.

"You excited?" Grant asks when Jem stumbles into the kitchen and slumps onto the stool next to him at the breakfast bar.

Jem shrugs, grabbing for the cheerios with one hand and stealing Grant's coffee with the other.

Grant scowls at him but Jem just drains the mug before handing it back and reaching for the milk to fill up the bowl.

"Class of 2022," Grant murmurs after a moment, idly stirring the remnants of his own cheerios. "Wow."

"Tony sent me a vid last night," Jem tells him. "And Nat says my present is in the mail."

"They would come," Grant assures him (for the eighth time), "if, you know…"

Jem snorts. "Trust me," he says, "I know."

.

History books were rewritten after the Project Insight debacle and reveal that Hydra had manipulated the world for the better part of a century. Some of Jem's classmates used to talk about it in social studies, but it's not like Jem would've known. All of them remember the terrifying days, just after; they were young, seven and eight, but they remember.

After leaving New York, Steve and Bucky took a year off. They became Grant and Jem, immersed themselves in the world-that-is. Before, Steve had been doing a little on his own, notebooks full of lists. Then, Project Insight…

Jem knows what became of Bucky Barnes, even though it's not common knowledge. They'd tried hiding it at first, Steve and his team, for 'his own good,' but when Jem asked flat-out, eight months after leaving New York, Grant crumbled. It was horrifying to listen to, and it clearly hurt Grant to say, but Jem breathed easier, after. It was the last secret the future had to hide.

(Tony Stark, Jem learns later, has it arranged so that if they need to, Jem's existence will be explained by Hydra attempting to clone the Winter Soldier. They conducted tests – the enhancements the Winter Soldier had, Jem doesn't. Jem's got both his real arms, the ones he was born with; he thinks, sometimes, that the Winter Soldier's arm was so badass, and it might've been cool to keep. He never mentions that to Grant.)

.

Grant Reynolds has custody of his cousin James Reynolds. He goes by Jem because, he explains when the nice girl in his art class asks, To Kill a Mockingbird was his mother's favorite book. He doesn't talk about his past much; Grant took custody when he was about 10.

Salmon, Idaho, takes some getting used to. It's quiet. Grant has an art studio and does commissions, when he's not working for his online classes. By the time they have the three bedroom house with its little yard and the neighbor's mutt that barks anytime anyone drives past, they're Grant and James Reynolds.

Jem doesn't think about Bucky Barnes much, anymore. Or his little sisters, or his parents, or his best friend. He misses them every day, but. He can't get back to them. (It wasn't time travel. It wasn't.)

.

Captain America retired. He disappeared from the public eye towards the end of 2016. SHIELD and the Avengers would only say that he was alive and safe.

There've been a few times when people told Grant, "You know, you look a lot like Captain America."

He'd just duck his head and say, "Yeah, I've heard that before."

They don't have to worry about Jem looking like Bucky Barnes for a few years, yet. He's letting his hair grow out, and he's added blue and silver streaks, and half the time, he wears hideous shirts just because they make him laugh.

Jem's at the top of his class. He's popular and charming. He's had a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and a significant other that hadn't yet decided on a gender. He doesn't stand for bullying. His freshman year at Salmon High, Jem got in quite a few fights. Grant got called down to the school at least twice a month. Since then, though, it's been quiet.

.

"You don't need to worry," Jem says as they drive towards the school.

Tony's offered to fund him for whatever college he chooses; he was accepted everywhere he applied. He's interested in so many things – he's devoured science books of all kinds. Sometimes, he swears he's inside one of those books Bucky Barnes used to read Steve Rogers when he was too sick to go outside.

"I'm always gonna worry," Grant says. "That's been true our whole lives."

The world is so big. Jem looks at Steve, who hasn't aged since that first day in the future. Jem's birthday is June 19, the day he stepped into this new life. Grant's is April 5. (It wasn't until he finally dove into Project Insight and the Winter Soldier that Jem realized the significance of that.)

"I don't wanna go to college," Jem says as they turn into the parking lot. "Not yet. I wanna travel. Go places and see things. You know?"

Grant pulls into a spot, puts the car in park, and turns to face Jem. "I know you don't remember," he says, "and I'm glad for that, most of the time. Me and you, we've been so many places." Grant sighs, running a hand through his hair. "All I want is for you to be happy."

Jem smiles, reaching out to poke Grant in the middle of the forehead. "C'mon, punk, you think I'm leavin' you behind? Me and you, snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef, three days from now. What d'ya think?"

"I think," Grant says, "that sounds perfect."

.

Jem knows that Tony is streaming the footage of his graduation to the Tower, that everyone is watching and cheering and possibly crying. He still isn't sure how well most of them knew his adult self, but there'd been about a year of him with the team before – before.

Grant's in tears, filming the ceremony. Jem grins broadly for the picture with his diploma, winks towards the camera he figures Tony commandeered, and struts off the stage.

.

Jem wonders, sometimes, about Bucky Barnes. He died a hero – twice, it turns out. The Winter Soldier, too, Jem has so many questions and no one to ask for the answers.

During their worst fight ever, Jem had demanded, "You wish I was him, don't you? Well, so do I!" He'd stormed out the house, slammed the door, and ran until he collapsed, sobbing breathlessly for all the things he'd lost by stepping into the future.

He met up with Grant on the walk back. "You didn't take your phone," Grant said. And then, "I miss him. God knows I miss him so much I can't breathe with it, sometimes." Jem had looked away, towards the sunset, and Grant reached out to grab both his shoulders. "I thought he was dead for two years. And then I ran around the world looking for him for a year, and then he was – he was doing better, laughing and watching terrible movies and trying new foods, and goddamned living." There was something terribly broken in Grant's voice, and Jem had to reach up and cover Grant's hands with his own, and he couldn't look away from Grant's eyes as Grant continued, "Then he was gone again." Grant inhales deeply. "He was gone again but you were here. The Bucky I remembered, younger than I can ever remember being."

Jem had no idea what to say. He'd opened his mouth, closed it, shook his head. Grant repeated, "I miss him. But here's the thing, Jem - you are him."

Jem started crying again; Grant had been teary-eyed since the first 'I miss him.'

They walked home together. Grant asked about the current science unit; Jem asked about Grant's latest commission. It was a peaceful evening, and Jem began asking about his adult self. Sometimes Grant couldn't answer, but he usually would. And there were questions Jem never asked – and he never asked about the Winter Soldier.

.

Jem stays for Senior Night, hangs out with his classmates for the last time. Everyone wants to know about everyone's plans, and there's laughing and crying, and in the morning, Jem catches a ride home with the first girl he ever kissed.

"Don't lose touch, Jem," she says, kissing him one last time.

"I won't," he says, mostly meaning it. "Thanks for the ride."

.

There are hotel reservations to make, plane tickets to buy, packing what to bring and deciding to keep the house or store what's left.

Grant smiles as he locks the door. "You know, one place we never made it to was Australia."

Jem grins at him. "Sounds like the best place to start, then."

.

He'll always dream about that first day, the last day he ever saw his sisters or parents. And the last day he was Bucky Barnes, some of his nightmares will always include that. But he can't go back. He can only go forward.

He likes to think his adult self would be okay with this, and he likes to think he knows himself well enough to know he would be.