Author's Note: I entered the mindset I felt was appropriate to write this, twice. Obviously it meant I couldn't write anything.
I wanted to finish this before July. So I picked this date, June 29th, which is extremely important for me. Written in paper at candle light.

My biggest and sincere thanks to Lama00.

Lastly, I mixed manga, anime and live action contents to my liking. Check the end for additional comments. Now, dozo.

.

.

May 14th, 1878

Okubo Toshimichi looked scared when he realized he was going to die. Shishio Makoto was not a foe to be taken lightly, and thinking he could be so easily outmaneuvered was a fatal mistake. Maybe that was what Okubo-san thought right before Soujirou smiled and stabbed him in the belly.

The man grunted in pain and his strong hands locked Soujirou's wrist and squeezed hard, if to keep him from removing the blade or to stop him from sinking it in, Soujirou would never know. Soujirou ripped it out abruptly and Okubo's body jerked, and he cut beneath the chin. The dark deep line spilled a copious flow of blood over the minister's clothes and his head fall back after another involuntary quiver.

After checking if he had any clear blood smudge on his gi, he dropped the blade and jumped from the carriage without alerting the driver and silently watched as it approached its final destination just a little farther ahead. The ambushers in waiting quickly and violently slaughtered the driver, only to find the corpse of the man they had come for. Soujirou turned around when they started yelling in surprise and carved the body to their liking.

All that was left to do now was wait. Out of sight, Soujirou absently watched as the different stages of events unfolded. The ambushers ran away, some villagers spotted the carriage and the clear signs of blood, the police came, a small curious and shocked crowd gathered, mats were layed over the two bodies, and finally he saw a distinctive form approach.

Soujirou stood up from his resting place and calmly walked to the crowd, mixing between the curious people there. It really wasn't hard to know where to go. When not revealing his face and the unmistakable face scar, Himura Battousai couldn't hide his red hair. Soujirou stopped just behind him, unnoticed amongst the number of people. His voice was just enough to be heardable.

"There were men planning to assassinate him. We took advantage of that."

No need to say anything else. Himura Kenshin's face moved in alert, but when he turned Soujirou was already walking away with no hurry. Neither swordsmen saw each other's face.

...

Shingetsu Village

A curious man, this Himura-san. Soujirou clapped half-sincerily, half-playfully, as he watched the amount of armed men the former hitokiri had taken out without a single fatal injury. Soujirou remembered Anji-san when he passed by grunting semi conscious men and went to greet Himura-san and the Shinsengumi third unit captain, Saitou Hajime.

The world was a funny place. Ishin Shishi and Shinsegumi, together fighting side by side, who would have thought that possible? They were certainly an odd pair.

Soujirou was really curious to see the sakabatou Himura-san was now so renowed for. He wanted to see if such a silly weapon actually existed. He smiled widder than usual for finally being face to face with the man Shishio-san talked so much about. Such a sword mastery, an impressive killing account and experience, all that held back by a stupid sword, and hidden away in such a small stature (he was even smaller than Soujirou!).

Saitou-san was pretty much the opposite in everything. Tall, smug, wolf eyes, no visible scars, and a deadly aura without any intention of holding back. Soujirou could feel the tall man trying to discern any form of ki from him even while they walked, and even more so after they met Shishio-san and while the fight between Himura-san and Senkaku lasted.

It was very entertaining. Soujirou was impressed by Himura-san tactics, but surprised when the outcome was Senkaku wounded, but alive. The impressive technique used, Senkaku's knockout, Himura-san directly challenged Shishio-san, then a small ninja girl appeared too out of nowhere; all this happened so fast and Soujirou's head was turning all around with an joyful smile, trying to catch everything that was hapenning. Saitou-san's piercing and annoyed gaze was always over him, as he kept trying to read Soujirou only to find nothing. He seemed to be increasingly irritated by it, unable to make a certain move to help Himura to take out Shishio-san.

Shishio-san wasn't as amused as Soujirou. His clear boredom led him to stand up and prepare to leave with Yumi-san, and then things really got interesting.

The sword was thrown with a stunning force and it darted right past Himura-san. Soujirou caught it with a single hand and smiled to the slightly surprised look of rurouni's eyes.

"Soujirou, play with him for me."

"Are you sure, Shishio-san?"

"Yes. I'm showing him my Tenken as a reward for the Ryu Sho Sen."

...

"Soujirou."

"Yes?"

"I need you to do something for me."

"Anything but pay for that sword," he replied, bowing. Even Yumi-san knew more about the importance of that sword than him... It did deliver a stunning attack and shatter the stupid sword Himura-san used, but it got unbelievably damaged in the process. Oh well.

"Gather the Juppongatana."

Yumi-san blinked, and so did Soujirou. This was going to be exciting!

"Yes, right away."

"Wait, what about Senkaku? He didn't die, did he?" Yumi-san asked. "Shouldn't he be dealt with?"

Shishio-san shrugged. "He's worthless. He was nothing but a pawn, and he knows nothing of importance that might help anyone. He's not even worth killing."

...

With all the exciting things that happened in Shingetsu, and now with the reunion of the Juppongatana on his hands, Soujirou hadn't completely registered it, but it had been engarved in his mind somehow. How something was wrong.

His mind wondered as he walked, analysing each situation in order to find the problem.

There was a problem, and it certainly wasn't the Kotetsu Nagasone he had broken in the fight. He did got a little awed when he realized how expensive the sword was, but that wasn't a real problem.

It wasn't the loss of Shingetsu Village. It had served its purpose, Shishio-san didn't seem worried about it.

It didn't feel like something that was wrong for Shishio-san. It wasn't a setback to any of this plans. It wasn't that...

So, it wasn't the fact that Himura-san no longer remained the man and the hitokiri Shishio-san hoped. But there was something there... in the way Himura-san acted. That was the problem.

The problem was Senkaku.

...

Delaying his mission, Soujirou detoured from his route and swiftly returned to Shingetsu Village, searching for something that might help him find Senkaku. The man hadn't been killed in the aftermath of Himura-san freeing the village, so it meant he had escaped, and with his injury, surely not far off. It hadn't been more than a couple of hours. It would be no trouble finding him using Shukuchi.

And so it was.

Senkaku was sprawled on the ground, panting and exhausted, in the shore of a calm stream outside the foerst line. Soft bird sounds resonated around. The light reflected in the clear water, and everything seemed gleamy and bright. It was peaceful looking, and Soujirou noted that as he approached.

It was distracting.

"I'm surprised. You actually escaped."

Senkaku jerked up, eyes wide, but as Soujirou didn't attack him, he visibly relaxed enough to sit down and face the stream as if they were about to share an unsual conversational moment.

The man was of the size of a monster. Even siting down, he was almost Soujirou's height. He never cared for the man particularly. He was strong and ruthless. That was about everything Soujirou took note of, before.

"Are you going to kill me?" His strong voice vibrated at a certain point.

Soujirou didn't reply right away, his back turned away from all the brightness of the stream.

"Shishio-san said that he hadn't told you anything important. So you weren't worth killing."

There was a clear relieved sigh. Soujirou's glance unfocused from a rock on the ground, as if he was seeing past it. But he wasn't seeing it at all.

"That was what Shishio-san said, but..."

The problem...

"Senkaku-san." There was another small pause. "Why are you still alive? You lost against Himura-san."

That was the problem.

Unknowning of what was going on Soujirou's mind, Senkaku talked effortlessly. His words seemed distant, as if echoing through the gleaming fog that surrounded them.

"He didn't kill me. Without his mercy... I would have been killed by Shishio-sama already. And be floating in a pool of blood in hell. But now I can bask in the sun like this again... I'm thankful. Battousai is not only strong. He's completely different..."

Strong.

Strong?

What did he mean, strong?

Well, Soujirou wasn't thinking. It was understandable Himura-san was strong, but... he couldn't be. The strong live, the weak die. If Himura-san was strong, Senkaku should be dead. And he wasn't.

It didn't make sense.

Senkaku said something, but Soujirou didn't hear.

"Why is it?"

Senkaku probably thought Soujirou was talking to him, and he turned slightly.

"I don't get it. Not killing."

It doesn't make sense. It's wrong.

"Himura Kenshin..."

Is wrong.

"Not killing..."

Strong live, weak die. A strong person has to kill the weak. Otherwise... otherwise it's...

Not killing?

...wrong.

Something caught him off guard and Soujirou turned in a jump. That had never happened. He thought it was a loud sound, but there was nothing other than the reflected light of the stream and birds peeking. So bright, like a flash. A lightning almost. Everything seemed distant, he was distant.

The thunder was a simple hummingbird that dived swiftly to the water.

That brought him back to his senses. He wasn't distant anymore when he saw the bird take flight with a fish caught in its beak. Not distant when he moved faster than the eye could see and painted the stream with red.

At least now it wasn't so bright anymore.

...

For some time, everything was fine. He didn't think on anything, that peaceful happiness was a true joy. Absent minded, he happily reunited the Juppongatana as ordered, and got Shinomori Aoshi (what another odd person, he was) to join them too. Everyone was busy with their missions, Shishio-san's plans set in motion and failed, and the final move unfolded with the simultaneous attack on Aoi-Ya and the ambush on Mount Hiei. Everything would go with no more problems.

Soujirou laughed carelessly as news from the advance came in, specially at one of Yumi-san's report about Himura-san's secret technique. He wouldn't let Himura-san pass and bother Shishio-san, even though he knew Shishio-san wanted a chance to fight his predecessor.

But Soujirou wouldn't let him.

He didn't want to let Himura Kenshin live.

...

That was already something different, something changed, but he didn't realized it until it was too obvious.

He wanted to kill Himura-san. Not because Shishio-san had ordered him to attack and weaken him. Soujirou wanted to kill Himura Kenshin.

That wasn't normal. He never acted that way.

When he failed to kill him at the moment there was no room of error and he slashed through Himura-san's back, that brought everything back from that day on the outskirts of Shingetsu Village. That strange feeling that something was wrong, but he wouldn't figure out what and it was making him... annoyed.

Senkaku had been the problem, but he was dead now. Those words coming from the bright fog had been a problem, but they were gone. He was dead.

But it was wrong.

It wasn't Senkaku who had been the real problem.

The real problem was Himura. He had to die, and that way things would truly go back to how they were. There wouldn't be anything to make him feel strange, to make him feel. He wasn't supposed to feel anything, it was distracting.

So why hadn't Soujirou manage to kill him? He was right there, one swing and he'd be dead and things would be alright. That was so strange. So strange, and annoying.

The strong live, the weak die. That's the law of nature. That's all there is. Yet this man, this wrong man, said that the strong protect the weak.

That was a lie. How annoying.

"You're wrong, Himura-san."

Even looking at him... it was making Soujirou angry.

If Himura was strong, he would kill the weak. He didn't. He defied Shishio-san's - nature's - truth.

And if what he said was true, then the strong should protect the weak. They should keep weak from suffering terror and pain.

They didn't.

"If what you say is true, why didn't anyone protect me back then?!"

He could see Himura's eyes widening from his words as the swords clashed, finding no sense in them, but Soujirou didn't care. He didn't care anymore. The mere sight of Himura was driving him mad. He was wrong!

Soujirou couldn't stop himself from remembering things from nearly a lifetime ago by each step of Shukuchi he performed in order to cut Himura in half. His family, the night of the storm. His fear, his cries, his pleas. They came back, and he grew increasingly angrier. Why hadn't anyone protect him? He had to be strong, otherwise he would have died. How could that be a lie? He was there only because he killed - the strong live, the weak die. Why hadn't anyone protect him?! No one, no one ever did. Not from the beatings, not from the humiliation, the pain, not from running for his life in fear. Why wasn't Himura there?!

You're wrong. Everything you say is wrong! Shishio-san is right!

He became angry enough to be careless, to reveal something it shouldn't be there: emotion. His strike chanelled his frustration and anger and that was enough. Soujirou clearly saw the moment Himura turned in advance for his attack and the cold hit of shock ran through him. The attack failed and the blade cut through the floor instead of flesh, and he knew it was over. This was it. Himura stood beside him, blade ready, and there was no time to react as it fell down flashing.

Soujirou didn't blink and hide his gaze from his death. Only it didn't come. The reversed blade stopped in front of him, without so much as scratching him.

Soujirou stared at the blade and then at the former hitokiri. He wasn't moving. The man wasn't moving.

"What are you doing?" He couldn't seriously be thinking...? What was wrong with him! "You don't mean to let me live?"

You don't let an opponent live. One wins, one loses, because one is strong and the other is weak. I was the weak one, so I have to die. Shishio-san is right.

.

I'm weak, but that's just how I am.

.

Soujirou wanted to shake his head and get rid of the strange feeling he just got. His senses were commanding him to move, to take the advantage brought by Himura stopping his strike, but he couldn't find a hold on himself, which was why he took a heartbeat to fully register Himura was talking.

"I'm trying very hard to remember, but I cannot recall having met you before. Even so..."

Soujirou remained kneeled down staring at the man who wouldn't kill.

"If it's not too late... couldn't you make a fresh start now?"

The words hit him harder than it should be possible. It was like a physical hit he wasn't expecting to suffer, his lips parted and his eyes widened.

What was he saying?

He lost. He was too weak to beat Himura, he had to die. It couldn't... there was no other way.

A fresh start? From where? From what? He didn't want to-

Kill.

Soujirou gasped against his will, his eyes wide.

.

Was being weak such a bad thing?

.

I killed people, I killed them, but I didn't... want to kill.

No.

Soujirou's hands started trembling. He wasn't seeing Himura anymore. His head was starting to feel blurry, it was heavy and light all together, he felt he was floating. He was getting sick. What...

No.

.

Falling down and curling up in the rags that were his bed this first night, Soujirou cried.

-.-.- Soujirou pulled his knees to his chest and cried.

-.-.- -.-.- He was so scared. But somehow, Soujirou didn't stop smiling.

-.-.- -.-.- -.-.- He shrugged again and carried on smiling.

-.-.- -.-.- -.-.- -.-.- This was just how things were for him.

'-.-.- -.-.- He was so little and you hurt him, like you do to me'. Soujirou kept smiling.

-.-.- The hit came nevertheless, but Soujirou smiled.

The tears poured down freely from his eyes, but he smiled so much his body shook with a terrified giggle.

"...Are you so happy to die, child?"

I don't want to die.

.

He couldn't breathe. His head was shattering.

.

Wouldn't it be nice, though? To be so strong?

His first possession, a tool meant to kill.

The strong live, the weak d-

I don't want to die!

The strong live. And the weak... the weak DIE!

.
.
.
.

.
.

The rain kept falling.

.

The rain kept falling. He could feel the rain. He could feel the rain fall, when it fell down on his face and on the blood over him all those years back in that freezing night of the storm. He didn't want it. He didn't want to feel that. I don't want to feel. His hand raised, fingers touching the temple, nails merely touching, and clawing.

Stop.

.

And Soujirou c- smiled.

.

No.

No.

He c-smiled. He smi-

No!

His fists were shut on his hair, pulling hard. He couldn't breathe.

I didn't want to kill.

No.

He could feel the rain on his face as he smiled after killing on that night. Only it wasn't...

I didn't want to kill. I didn't want to smile.

I smiled. I was smiling in the rain. But really, I was...

He couldn't breathe. He was choking, drowning, his heart was deafening him. Stop it. I don't want this, please.

Really, I was crying.

I was crying!

And Soujirou screamed.

.

~おわり~

.

.

To fix a building that was built wrong, first you have to tear it all down.

.

.

Author's Note: And we get to the summary of this story.

I've never used the word 'scream' when refering to Soujirou until now.
Ideally, I wouldn't have used it a single time for any character in any chapter, but unfortunately I did. I purposefully avoided it in every situation involving Soujirou because I find it the strongest word to be used. It's the most known and 'basic' English word, yes, and so its impact as a word used when describing a painful/stressful/anguish moment can be considered somewhat diminished, but to me it's the other way around. "SCREAM" is one of the strongest words in English for me.

And this is it. I actually could make one more chapter if people are interested, one aftermath and be done. If not, this is it.

If I may, let me mention other fanfics I have written of Soujirou that might be of interest, 'Hold on to your truth' set 5 years after this final chapter, and it's sweet/light hearted follow-up 'The Mighty Daimyo Kenji'.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed so kindly, and thanks and to you, reader, whenever you read this. Reviews are always welcomed, whether with criticism or just to say you liked or didn't. Even if it's 10 years from now, if we're all still alive, just imagine how it feels like to get a review. We've come to known how important the right/wrong person is at the right time and how they can be very important for someone.

With that, best regards.