Chapter Fifteen

Lone Wolf

It was normal to see everyone wearing black since the Hogwarts robes were solid pitch aside from the trim on their sleeves, however as the students all filed out from their common rooms into the great hall, the sea of black was much more eerie. Just as at the start of the year feast with the sorting, the students were all asked to wear their ceremonial pointed black hats, which only added to the somber feeling in the air. As he walked in, Remus could see how the hall had been completely redecorated for the memorial. The ceiling filtered through the twilit sky, making the hundreds of white wax candles burn brighter in contrast. Black banners hung from the corners and sides to frame the room, all gesturing towards where the teacher's table was supposed to be. In its place was a closed casket with a large bouquet of a familiar indigo bloom that Remus recognized instantly from the sweet smell emanating from it. He bit his lip at the irony as he assumed an awkwardly placed smile at a time like this was inappropriate.

The Hufflepuffs and Slytherins were the first to file in taking up the outside seats, followed by the Gryffindors and Ravenclaws occupying the middle. As he took his seat Remus could see that like the Quidditch match, there were other people there outside of the school that had come to pay their respects. As he scanned the room he could see among them was Abraxas Malfoy, standing with his walking stick near the Slytherin table and oddly sticking out with his blonde hair and black suit. Standing next to him was another man Remus recognized from the Daily Prophet. It was Thalia's father, Donax Winsor. Just like in the photo in the paper, he was wearing a suit similar to Malfoy's. He had the same blue eyes as Thalia, but framed with his sharp yet smooth features, perfectly combed hair and upturned nose, the shade reminded him more of ice. What was more upsetting was that despite him looking so hard and refined like a marble statue, Thalia's resemblance to him was unmistakable. He met eyes with Remus and he immediately felt a chill run down his spine as his ice theory was proven instantly. Winsor's lip curled into a smirk, making Remus nervous enough to finally avert his eyes and turn back to the table.

"Think he'll tell us what happened to him?" Sirius whispered, prompting James to elbow him hard enough to knock a bit of wind from him. "Ouch! What? I just think we deserve to know is all…" This didn't seem to comfort James in the slightest as he turned away from Sirius to focus his attention away. Even in the common room Remus noticed that James had taken the news harder than the others of Professor Zilar's death. He'd never thought to ask before, but it was entirely possible that like many others in the room, he'd lost his favourite teacher. The absolute worst wave of guilt washed over him, as he knew he'd been partly if not mainly responsible. Professor Dumbledore clearing his throat focused his attention almost immediately on the headmaster standing at his podium.

"Good evening. Thank you all for coming." He said, his voice still sounding serene, yet strained. "As you know we are here to honour the memory of our beloved teacher, colleague, and friend, Ellis Zilar…" As he spoke, Remus could see Abraxas Malfoy start to slowly stride along the crowd towards the front of the room. "Though he was only with us for a short time, the imprint he left among us will never fade, the imprint of a man who was brave, and loyal. It's unfair that such a life was taken so soon from us, that we had such little time to spend with him… but he will not be forgotten."

Remus liked Dumbledore's words. Even as he slowly stepped away from his podium, it was clear he'd expressed what most of the room was feeling. No one had really known him that well. The man kept his secrets and that was something Remus understood, but as the floor opened and a gloomy silence settled, he realised how lonely keeping secrets could be. After a minute or two, the sound of Abraxas Malfoy's shoes clicking against the stone floor cut through the silence. Some of the room broke out into quiet chatter, asking for or whispering his name. Malfoy took his stand behind the headmaster podium and cleared his throat before he spoke.

"Good evening. As some of you well may know, my name is Abraxas Malfoy. I work for the Ministry of Magic as the Head of the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures Office—" A camera snapped a flash. "—Zilar used to work as an integral part of our team, and I speak for us all when I say we terribly… terribly regret his loss." He said, his voice cracking slightly as he fixed his tie and cleared his throat. If Remus weren't already convinced that Malfoy was a scumbag, he'd have completely bought the act. "I… we've received information on what truly happened on the night of his attack. There are people who wish that I don't speak of this, but I think not doing so would be an insult to everything he stood for. Bravery… loyalty…" He glanced quickly at Dumbledore before walking away from the podium that everyone could see him. "On an errand requested by the headmaster, Ellis Zilar was attacked, killed, by a werewolf. A monster." As soon as he spoke, the room broke out into quiet and scattered chatter, while Remus sat completely silent and focused feeling like his insides were melting. "He was caught off guard in the forest… He didn't stand a chance against the beast." Remus clenched his robes underneath the table as he could feel his blood boil. Zilar wasn't caught off guard… he was protecting him... unless… "The identity of the beast is unknown to us now. We imagine now they've assumed their human form again, poisoning the public with their existence. Thinking they have us fooled. I do promise you this, we will find who murdered him. And they will be brought to justice—" he locked eyes with Remus "—without mercy. Such beasts are undeserving of such. We will have new laws coming in place for the registration of any werewolves to make sure that they remain separate from civilized society, to keep the current population of witches and wizards pure from their filth. Your ministry will act, and so long as we have your support, together, we can make this future a reality. Thank you."

The room burst into applause as more cameras flashed and snapped, and the gathering instantly felt less like a memorial and more like a press conference. Looking around, Remus could see he was the only one not clapping. He put his hands together to blend in just as some of the older students stood to their feet in standing ovation. The rest followed suit, hearing James, Sirius, and Peter all cheer along with the rest of the room.

Watching them celebrate made it seem like his ears filled with a gallon of water by how quickly everything around him seemed to muffle as he slowly clapped his hands. They agreed with Malfoy when it came to purging the world of people like him, of monsters. He could never tell them his secret. They'd been his only friends. If he did anything to jeopardize that, Remus would be left alone. Just like he'd been in his old schools… just like he'd been since he was bitten.

He had to play the part.

He had to keep his secret.

If he had any hope of happiness, he had to hide from what he really was, what everyone— even his closest friends— would only ever seen him as if they ever knew the truth. A monster.

x-x-x

The week of exams after the memorial continues as normal. As deputy Headmistress, professor McGonagall administered Zilar's Defense Against the Dark Arts examination, much to everyone's disappointment since they'd all been convinced it would be cancelled with his passing. After the hustle and bustle was done with, there were only a few days left in the school that had everyone either scrambling to make sure everything was packed or taking their final days at Hogwarts to lounge around until the train arrived. Remus wasn't surprised to see that his friends were a complete mix of both.

As he stood carefully folding his clothes on his bed to make enough room in his trunk for everything to take home, behind him he could hear Peter stomping around and turning his own quarters over to look for his misplaced books.

"Relax Peter." Sirius groaned while was lying down on his own bed and not even having touched his own things yet. "Train's not here for a few days. You have time, mate."

"But what if I forget something and I don't realise it until after the train's already left? I don't want to forget anything." He replied as he burrowed under his bed to check there.

"Who cares? We'll be back after two months anyway. By that time you'll have a new shiny set of books to lose." This didn't manage to make Peter feel any better despite the hint of a joke in his voice.

"Did you check the classrooms?" asked James, who like Remus was steadily packing his things. A loud 'thunk' followed by a cry of pain made all of them turn to Peter as he quickly stood up rubbing the back of his head.

"I didn't! I think I brought stuff to Zilar's exam just in case they gave us time to cram afterwards for other ones."

"Peter, you know that was our last exam right?"

"I was panicking!" he cried, making the rest of them giggle. "I guess since I know now I better sort what I've turned over." Remus turned his head and saw the piles and piles of clothes scattered on and around Peter's bed. He quietly clicked his trunk closed after he finished his own packing until it clicked in his head that he still had one more thing that he needed. Something that if not for Peter, he would have been equally as upset had he left it at the school.

"Hey, I just remembered I left something in Zilar's room too. I can pick up your books while I'm there Peter." Said Remus, making Peter's face light up.

"You'd do that? I'd really appreciate it… I got a lot of repacking to do."

"Yeah, until he realises he's forgotten something else and turns goes mad looking for all his stuff again." Said Sirius pretending to throw things in the air. Remus ignored him.

"Of course, mate. I'm already finished up so I'm free now. I'll be back before you know it."

"Great! That saves us loads of time then. By the time you get back, Peter will be finished and we can grab a bite to eat." Said James, quite proud of his plan. "Hey, you should just meet us in the hall. By the time you get his stuff you can just give it to him there."

"Yeah! Oh, but if it's a bunch of them though I think I'd rather bring them up here than carry them to dinner… If it is I'll just catch up." The idea didn't even really make sense in Remus head either, but he couldn't let them see the extra book he'd be carrying along. He'd need a chance to hide it in his trunk, and James did just present an opportunity to do so. They seemed to buy it anyway.

"…Okay whatever." James shrugged. "See you for dinner Remus."

xxx

The Defense Against the Dark Arts room had still been unlocked. As Remus creaked the door open, he could see the sheets over all of the displays and desks to prepare for the summer of being untouched. Everything had been moved around completely to make enough floor space, though he wasn't quite sure why. What made him start panicking was that the desk he was going to unlock with the Book of Beasts was moved, and most likely pushed against a wall and covered with a sheet, making it much more difficult to find. He honestly didn't know if he was going to have enough time to rummage through everything.

Remus took a deep breath to calm himself down. He couldn't give up so easily, especially when it was practically Zilar's dying wish that he move the book to a safe place. He thought about what the other werewolf did when he was looking for it in the courtyard. He knew that the book had a beacon, he just had to find a way to activate it. With his eyes still closed, he thought about the pages, the Latin scrawled along the cover, the beasts… the sketch of werewolves. He just wanted to find it. Find it, and keep it safe with his father. He of all people would know what to do—

Like a switch he could hear it. It started out like a dull hum at first, but grew much louder as seconds passed. He zeroed in to the farthest corner of the room where a few of the larger sheeted object rested against the wall. Remus dashed over and lifted the cloth on each of the pieces until he found the wooden desk, the hum emanating from it the loudest. Just like before, he reached underneath for the switches and triggered them both, unlocking the compartment where the book lie untouched. It hummed loudly until he placed his hands on the leather cover, as if calming it to silence.

As he held it in his hands for the first time since he'd found it, Remus' curiosity got the best of him as he cracked open the bindings to get another look. The front scribbles that he saw in the library had disappeared. He assumed Madam Pince must have erased it. HE flipped through the pages again, not bothering to really look at the pages so much as to see how many monsters there were until he reached the werewolf page, where nestled in the middle was a folded piece of parchment. Remus tilted his head and reached for it, watching again the man transform on the page before unfolding the paper, seeing a note written.

Remus,

Keep it safe.

—Proffesor Zilar

Seeing his note made Remus feel strange. He knew must have been the last thing he'd written down before he died. Did he know they were going to be met in the forest with the other man? Or did he expect Remus to transform kill him instead? The notion made him uncomfortable. Even in death he was mysterious… and it made Remus sad knowing he was gone. Really for the first time since he'd gotten back to the school, he was alone. He could think about the night he changed without distraction, and remember every painstaking detail from when Zilar told him to run away, to finding his body in the clearing.

A loud thud echoed in the empty classroom from him dropping the book. He brought his shaky hands to his head and ran them through his hair, pushing it back and exposing his face rather than pushing it forward. The sobs hit him like a storm. It was his fault he was gone. He'd spent so much time not trusting him when he should have, all because he was afraid. It was impossible to cast away the feeling that there was something more he could have done to save him. Maybe if he'd been quicker to leave the castle, or maybe if he'd been stronger with the potion he gave him, he'd be alive now telling him what there was to do next.

Remus pulled himself together after a minute or two and crouched down to pick up the book, wiping away any dust it gathered. He used his sleeves to wipe his face from any tearstains and walked towards the door, making sure to close it behind him as he left.

xxx

He was making good time at this pace. Being able to find the book right away would put him right on time for his meal with his friends without them suspecting a thing. He skipped a step and practically tumbled down the staircase when Remus realised he completely forgot to check the room for Peter's books. He stood there frozen, contemplating running down a few floors just to check to make sure. His legs wobbled in protest as he was sure if they had a voice of their own they would definitely be against scaling the main staircase more than they had to—

"Hey Remus." Lily called out right as she rounded the corner from the corridor. She walked up to him smiling, causing Remus to completely forget about whatever it was he was worried about. It didn't seem anywhere near as important.

"Lily" "Hi, I er… thought you'd be packing." He replied as the pair continued to walk up the stairs while he continued to hold his book close to his side and away from her.

"Oh, I finished a few days ago. It may sound silly but I've been so excited to get home to tell my mum, dad, and sister about everything." She smiled and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, making a lone butterfly flutter around in Remus' stomach. Being wary of his coordination, he managed to break away from staring at her for a few moments to make sure he wasn't missing any more steps. "Your mother is a muggle too right?"

"Mhm. She's still getting used to it all too. Like when I was little, one time I stole all of the cookies she'd just finished baking. The jar came right to me. That's how they found out I was magic like my dad. That was a little before—" He stopped himself from finishing his sentence and bit his tongue. "My er… accident." He instinctually fixed his hair over his eyes more as he could feel Lily glance at his scars.

"Hm, not surprising. I feel like every time I see you and your friends, there's always one of you eating sweets." She responded after a few seconds, much to his relief that she didn't venture into the subject.

"Yeah, that's true. Wh-what about you? How did you find out you were magic?"

"Sev told me."

"Wait, Severus? Really?" Remus asked, trying not to sound too surprised… or annoyed. He envied their relationship and this news only solidified that.

"Mhm. That's why we're so close you see. He was my first real friend. He told me I was special. He still does every once in a while." He fought the urge to tell her that he understood why. However true it was, it would have sounded dumb and cheesy. "What book is that?" She asked, pointing at the leather binding peaking out from under his arm. His heart skipped a beat as his mind scrambled for something on the spot.

"Oh… just a book that's way past due. I suppose I should go the library and turn it in before I get some last minute points taken from Gryffindor." Lily giggled and shook her head.

"You still have a day or two. If it were me, I'd hang onto it until the last second since I don't have anything like this to come home to. Wollywort." The portrait of the Fat Lady flicked her wrist and swung open to reveal the portrait hole back to the common room. She turned to him and smiled again before speaking, her green eyes standing out brighter than ever against the scarlet walls and tapestry of the common room. "See you on the train? Maybe we can sit with you on purpose this time." He nodded sheepishly and the two parted to their respective dormitories.

The room hadn't been in a much better state than when he'd left. James and Remus' beds were the only ones that looked decent where Sirius and Peter's looked like a storm blew through and only touched their things. Clearly they'd gone with the plan of eat first, work later. It worked out better for Remus anyway since he didn't want anyone seeing him take the book. He carefully moved the folded clothes out of the way so that he could put the book at the bottom of his trunk, that it would be tucked away and hidden until he got home.

Remus kept his hand on the lid of his trunk after he closed it. He was tasked with keeping the book safe, and he knew giving it to his dad was the best way to do it, but something about it all still made him feel strange. Like he was stealing it. Professor Zilar told him all of the power it had in the wrong hands, but wouldn't Hogwarts have been the safest place? He thought perhaps it wasn't the same for objects as it was for people. As Dumbledore told him when he gave him his letter, there was no safer place to be than the school. Maybe with the book outside the walls it would be true… maybe it made the school dangerous. If other werewolves could sneak inside the walls just to get their hands on it, he had a responsibility to keep that particular danger as far away as he could. He stood back up to his feet and strode out of the dormitory, leaving it as untouched as it was when he walked back in.

xxx

"Remus!" Sirius called out as Remus walked into the Great Hall and took a seat next to him in front of a large plate of food he'd assumed they'd grabbed for themselves to share. "Thought you'd gotten lost. I was beginning to think we needed to get you another one of the first year starter maps."

"Can't get caught with one of those. We're second years now." Said James puffing out his chest.

"Practically kings of the hill!"

"The year hasn't ended yet." Peter cut in, making the other two groan and Remus smile slightly.

"Yes, thank you buzzkill." Sirius replied, waving his hand dismissively at him. After finally looking down at the pile of food to see it meticulously stacked into a small tower. The boys took much more care into it than he would have suspected and it made him curious.

"What's all this?" He asked, inspecting it with a fork and prodding the soft mash base with a fork. He personally wouldn't have built a tower on something so unstable but he wasn't going to criticize.

"Oh, we made you a mountain of food." Said Sirius offhandedly, followed by James who piped up again after scooping a bit of gravy with his forefinger to taste.

"Everything a growing boy needs."

"It's got potatoes, pork, I think there's some vegetables…" Shrugged Peter. "Only some though, we didn't want to overdo it."

"D'ya like it?" They all looked at him with wanting puppy dog eyes searching for a shred of approval from their friend. The irony made a sick knot in his stomach, but despite himself he managed a genuine smile at their effort.

"It's brilliant."

xxx

There was much more space on the Hogwarts Express on the way home than on the way to the school it seemed. Instead of the cars being occupied by one or two people at a time, most of the younger students that became friends during their time at school all fought to cram as many as they could into once car, including the four boys. James and Sirius sat long ways with their legs propped up on the seats while Remus and Peter sat on the other side mirroring them, trying to decide amongst themselves how to split up the last of Peter's last haul of sweets from home. He divided the last of his goodies and tossed them to the others, realising a little too soon that there was no way their handfuls of cauldron cakes and licorice wands were going to last them the trip home.

"Well one of us is going to have to get up and take one for the team." Sighed James, purposefully not making eye contact with any of them since he'd made it obvious he'd only just found the sweet spot in his seat and had no intention of moving. While Sirius and Peter were making an argument to justify their staying put as well, Remus' eyes caught Thalia's through the car window. She gave him a soft smile before continuing walking along with a boy with Sandy blonde hair who'd not yet changed out of his Slytherin Robes. His heart missed a beat as the hint of paranoia set in. Without saying anything he stood to his feet and walked towards the door and slid it open, hearing James shout to ask him to pick up pumpkin pasties while he was gone.

By the time he'd reached the corridor, he could she rounded the corner into her own cart, the only thing obstructing his path to her being the sweet old lady with the trolley. He didn't know why the feeling of suspicion set in so suddenly since Thalia had never given him a reason not to trust her, especially with something so delicate as his secret. Surely she knew its importance too since she told him someone she knew had the same problem. It wasn't as though he had much of a choice in the matter, and he'd rather not spend his summer worrying about it, especially since it would be the first one he spent going back to the same home without the threat of packing up and leaving looming over his head. The bad feeling melted away the more he thought about going home and seeing his parents again, and with a lighter step he walked towards the sweets trolley. Sterling had next in line for sweets before him, and had already changed out of his robes into what Remus would have seen the posh boys in one of his old towns wear. He stood behind him, trying not to get to close to the back of his head in case the product keeping his combed and sculpted hair into shape oozed onto him.

"That'll be three galleons and eleven sickles for your lot, dear." Said the old woman as he politely placed the gold coin in her hand, making Remus excited that he could treat himself to the lone chocolate frog perched at the end of the cart that he couldn't help bouncing a little on the balls of his feet.

"Thank you," He said; turning his head slightly before speaking up again, "Actually, is that the last of the chocolate frogs?" Remus felt his heart sink. Avery must have felt his excitement.

"Mhm! Been cleaned out at the shop since the last weekend."

"In that case, I'll take it. That'll make the change even to four galleons instead os you wont have to bother with change." The woman appreciated this and smiled brightly at him. Just as he turned around, he acted surprised to see Remus' attempt of hiding his dejected expression. "Oh! Hello Lupin. I thought it was you behind me." He looked between Remus and his newly acquired frog. "Shame there's no more… heard you loved these too. Oh well, better luck next time." He smiled deviously and knocked into Remus' shoulder before heading into his own car of other Slyhterins.

"We have chocolate wands for you dear if you've a sweet tooth for that sort of thing?" She asked, keeping her tone as dulcet as what filled the trolley.

"Thank you, that would be great. Could I have some fizzing whizbees too and that box of every flavour beans? Oh— and a few pumpkin pasties, please." He said, almost forgetting what James asked of him.

"That will be three galleons and four knuts." She replied as she bagged his things. Remus reached into his pocket and had no copper coins to spare. Feeling sheepish and guilty he handed her a gold and silver coin, forcing her to reach into her pouch and give him change. He smiled and thanked her before turning around and heading back to his own car.

xxx

With the new addition of junk and sweets, the boys had a much more fulfilling ride home. The ride back had gone by too fast between their laughing and reminiscing, and before they knew it, the train had come to a halt back at platform 9¾ , where their families all awaited them. He hopped off with the others, where they all said their final goodbyes until the start of term in a few months. They'd rotated addresses and promised to write in between to make the summer go by faster, which meant that Remus would most likely be the only one to do so if their focus in lessons was anything to go by. James was the first to spot his parents, who from a distance Remus could tell were older than his by the look of their matching silver hair. He took off in their direction first after nodding at them with a "See ya!"

Peter was next as a portly woman with the same mousy hair colour as him stood about the same distance away, paying more attention to a bit of fluff she'd seem to have found on her robes. After Peter took of to see her however, she smiled big and wrapped her arms around him, fixing his hair before planting what he assumed was an extremely juicy kiss on Peter's cheek.

"Well," Sirius started, "just you and—" Before he could finish Remus guessed he spotted his family from the sound of the groan he made immediately after. Remus looked up and spotted the rest of the Blacks, all dressed up compared to any other family he'd seen, even the young boy (who Remus suspected was Sirius younger brother) had his hair combed and looked fresh pressed. His mothers's pointed face bore an eerie sense of foreboding when Remus met eyes with her, while his father stood tall and stoic. It was similar to how Remus remembered Thalia's father carried him self at the memorial… as if with a snese of superiority. Sirius sighed and shrugged, nudging Remus goodbye before walking towards them and disappearing into the crowd of people.

Remus looked around to spot his own family, searching for his mother's red hair as that was the first thing he could think of to set them apart, when in the middle of his scan he spotted Thalia again. Her back was to him this time, but she was hugging a woman with equally blonde hair tousled into large curls. The sight made him involuntarily tilt his head. Last he remembered talking to Thalia about her parents, he didn't make them out to be the hugging type until he remembered she mentioned her aunt. Their hug broke and he watched the woman smile excitedly at her and play with one of her pigtails when Lyall snuck up behind Remus and ruffling his hair interrupted him. Almost immediately Remus forgot what he was focused on and turned around to hug him, not realising how happy he was to see his father after everything that he could almost cry. Almost. Hope strode over a few seconds later to meet them and spared no expense on embarrassing him by kissing him all over the face, making him protest aloud though secretly he loved it.

It was clear there was much to catch up on as on the way out of the platform the questions began from all three of them, all including variations of the same questions of what needed to be caught up on since Christmas break, desperately looking to find out what their lives were from what they've left out of the letters.

Remus went first.

Author's Notes:

Thus concludes this installment of the series... Happy Sunday everybody! Funnily enough, this could not have come at a better time sitting around on vacation in, guess where... that's right. Hopped the pond to sunny ol' England. What better inspiration do I need, amirite? And yes. I will be taking that Harry Potter studio tour and buying unholy amounts of merchandise, don't you worry.

I decided to keep this notes section at the end that was it's not obstructing the story at the beginning since I know sometimes people wanna get to the meat... so it kind of makes reading the notes an option. Which I think I'll just do from now on. It makes sense since I type them after the story anyway. Enough rambling now.

So wow! You've made it this far in the story and I could not be more grateful for that. Seriously. If you're reading this now, I'm taking it as the highest form of flattery and honestly could not be more thankful that you've stuck around. People like you are what makes me want to continue the saga.

Alas, it's sad times since I need to get things in order for the next year for our boys, which will be coming sooner than you think... Though in the meantime, I think an intermission story might be due. So stay tuned and follow and I promise not to disappoint! If you liked this story and want more, don't be afraid to stick around. If you've had enough after this bit, Thanks for taking the ride this far. It's been a great one, and maybe I'll see you around the bend again sometime.

Last thing, the blog is up and running and set up for posting as we speak! Go to my profile for the link and there will be a weekly repost of chapters along with some extra surprises and goodies along with each one! Not only does it keep things fresh, but you'll be able to get a sneak peek at how I see the things you read. (hint hint).

You're all beautiful. Thank you so much for letting me share this with you.