A Tiny Flutter

A/N: I'm going to warn you straight away this doesn't end pleasantly. If you're looking for a fairytale ending, read a fairytale ;) I've based this on an experience of my own and it's pretty grim. Set after the Inquisitor spends the night with Cullen but before the Temple of Mythal.

Olivia lay her head back against the cast iron, closed her eyes, and breathed out as a sigh as the warm water eased her battle weary joints and muscles. Josephine had made good on her promise of a bathtub, although it was not marble as the inquisitor had joked. She lay still as the silence in her quarters was broken only by sounds from the courtyard below her window. The dusky aroma lifted from the old wooden floorboards in her room and filled her senses. For the first time in a long time, Olivia felt at peace.

She realised she must have dropped off when a sharp tap at the door made her wake with a start. "Just a minute," Olivia called fumbling for her towel.

"It's me," Cullen's muffled voiced said through the door.

"Oh, come in then," Olivia yelled back, stepping out the bath, wrapping her towel around her torso and loosely tying her brunette ringlets from her face.

Cullen entered and the slight sheen on his face suggested he had come straight round from his evening training session with the recruits. His amber eyes crinkled as his smile reached them. So besotted with Olivia was Cullen, that even tousled, tired and freshly washed she seemed beautiful to him. He lifted off his armour and pulled Olivia backwards into a firm cuddle. He breathed deeply into her hair. She smelled like honeysuckle and the smell reminded him of the garden at his childhood home.

"Are you feeling any better?" Cullen asked. "You worried me. I've never seen you turn so pale."

"I'm fine," Olivia responded. "The bath has helped a lot. The scallops turned on me, I think. I hope our Orlesian guests weren't too horrified seeing the inquisitor sprint like that from the dining hall?"

"I'm sure you've created a scandal," Cullen chuckled. "I hope you don't mind but I've arranged for a healer to come and check you out. She'll be in here soon." Olivia playfully punched him and smiled.

"You worry too much. But if it puts your mind at rest I'll see the healer."

Olivia had just pulled on some clothes when one of the mages from the Grey Wardens knocked on the door. The woman who walked in was tall and wide set, her jaw heavy and her hair short and wiry. Olivia's mother rudely referred to people with her build as bronto-women, much to Olivia's embarrassment. The warden wore a warm and friendly smile which offset the intimidating effect of her stature and Olivia found herself at ease in her presence. The warden actually reminded her of the Guard Captain from Kirkwall who had recently paid a visit.

"I'm Yetta," she introduced herself with a firm and warm handshake. "Now, come on missy. Lay yourself down and let's have a look at you." Olivia obediently lay on the bed. Cullen stood at her foot, nervously stepping from foot to foot. "Relax, commander. She's in good hands."

Olivia grumbled contentedly as Yetta sat by her side and cast a healing aura around her. The aura's blue energy was warm and comforting and Olivia's stomach upset eased. She was vaguely aware of Yetta putting the hand which was not holding a staff into the aura at intervals over separate body parts as if taking inventory. She heard Yetta mumbling things to herself every few minutes and caught smatterings of things such as "heart healthy" or "spleen normal". She eventually stopped and held one of Olivia's hands.

"I found out what's made you ill," she said. "Would you prefer to speak in private? Your, er, friend could stand outside for a few minutes." Olivia chuckled at Cullen's expression as he looked aghast and he moved protectively to Olivia's side.

"It's okay," Olivia said taking her hand out of Yetta's and placing it in Cullen's. "I love this man and I trust him. He can stay."

"Oh, well then," Yetta said with a grin. "If this man is your lover then I'd like to offer you both my congratulations. You're with child. About two months, I reckon. Should be due in the Springtime."

Yetta smiled expectantly as Olivia and Cullen stared at her looking stunned. Neither of them said anything as Cullen slowly lowered himself to sit on the bed. Yetta's smile faltered and she laughed nervously. "I'll just leave and let you two get your head around that. You know where I am if you need anything." She patted Olivia's arm and scurried out the room and away from the tense atmosphere.

After several long and silent moments, Cullen spoke.

"You really had no idea?"

"No, none."

"I thought women could tell these things. That they kept track of...all that women's stuff." He scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"I usually do," Olivia insisted. "It's just with Halamshiral and Corypheus and everything I didn't really think about it."

"Maker's breath," hissed Cullen. "You went parading into battle with the Duchess, doing who knows what and endangering our child as well as yourself, Olivia."

Cullen moved across the room, sat at the Inquisitor's large wooden desk and put his head into his hands. "You're mad at me." It wasn't a question but a statement yet Olivia looked sadly at Cullen while waiting for him to respond. Cullen breathed deeply and Olivia sat up and turned to face her lover.

"No," he responded. "I'm not mad. It's just a lot to take in. A child with a withdrawing lyrium addicted father which could be born right at Corypheus's feet at this rate. It's terrifying, Olivia."

Olivia got up and moved across the room to sit on Cullen's lap. She pulled his head to her chest and lightly kissed the top of his head. "Cullen, I love you," she began. "I've never loved anyone like this and lyrium issue or not, there's nobody I'd rather choose to be the father to my children. I know the timing isn't ideal and that I probably should've realised sooner but everything seems okay. We can work this out as we go along."

Cullen wrapped his arms tightly around Olivia and whispered to her. "I promise I won't let you down. Either of you." He raised his head and placed a tender kiss on the Inquisitor's mouth.

"Cullen," Olivia responded sternly, looking him in the eyes. "I know you won't."

Cullen kissed Olivia again, this time more hungrily, clasping her face in his hands. He stood and carried her across the room in his strong arms and laid down the mother of his child on the bed. They made love that night with the intangible connection of the life they had created making them feel the closest to one another that they ever had.

The sunlight crept in through the drapes and lit up Olivia's face as she slept. Cullen stirred away and watched as the light moved across her delicate features. Her thick lashes rested across her beautifully sculpted cheekbones and her curls had escaped and tumbled along her slim jawline. Her eyelids fluttered open and her deep brown eyes focused on his face as she smiled. Maker, her smile was beautiful.

"I was just thinking," murmured Cullen. "I hope we have a daughter who looks like you. You are so beautiful." Olivia and Cullen rolled onto their sides to face one another. Olivia held Cullen's hand to her cheek.

"I think he's a boy. I hope he is," Olivia responded. "The world needs more men like you. A gentleman like his daddy." They spent a few moments, laid with their heads touching and smiling at the promise the future held.

Far too soon, the sound of recruits filling the courtyard floated through the window. Cullen groaned. "I better go and see to my duties," he begrudgingly admitted. "Promise me you'll rest today, my love." He kissed her head before getting out of bed and stretching.

"I promise," Olivia said smiling at him. "I'll probably go and see Yetta today. Get some advice on what to expect. I'll stop by and see you afterwards and let you know what she says."

"I would like that," Cullen said with a smile. Then he threw on his clothes, kissed Olivia goodbye, and left to train his soldiers.

A week later, Olivia was sat on the corner of Cullen's desk, rooting through a book Josephine had kindly acquired for her. "Leopold?" asked Olivia. Cullen guffawed in response. "Ok, ok. How about Leo for short. It means 'lion'." Olivia smiled at Cullen's exasperated expression.

"Maker, Olivia," he chuckled. "Are you going to read every name out to me. You're distracting me from my reports."

"No, I think I'm set," Olivia beamed at him. "Mia for a girl. After your lovely sister. And Leo for a boy. Lionhearted. Like his daddy."

Cullen got up and sat next to Olivia, wrapping an arm around her waist. "I love it," he said, kissing her head. "And might I say how good it is to see you so well at last."

"I know," Olivia agreed. "I thought I would have a rough few weeks but I awoke this morning feeling much better. Managed my breakfast and my breasts stopped feeling like they're on fire. Obviously I got lucky. I feel a bit crampy but Yetta said to expect it. Apparently it's everything stretching out to accommodate the baby." Olivia sighed happily and placed a hand on her stomach.

A knock on the door interrupted their blissful moment and Cullen grumbled. "One of these days I'll get to spend quality time with you," he groaned. Olivia kissed Cullen and got down from the table.

"I have to go anyway," she said. "I have to go liaise with Orlesian nobles anyway. Don't wait up for me, this could take a while. I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow." She walked out his office, turning back from the door to smile at him before leaving.

Cullen was in bed late, even for him. The troops had been particularly bothersome that night. His head hit the pillow and he drifted off listening to the patter of rain. He was exhausted. So it was with great frustration that he awoke to the sound of panicked knocking at his office door. "What!" he snapped into the darkness. "Who the blazes is bothering me now?"

"C-C-C-Cullen, it's m-me," Olivia's muffled sobs came through the door. "Please let me i-in."

"Olivia!" cried Cullen as he leapt from bed. He slid down his ladder and sprung his door open. Olivia stood in the doorway, arms wrapped around herself and soaked in the rain. She shook with her crying and the cold.

Cullen gently led her to his seat and wrapped her in his cloak and pauldrons. He had seen Olivia endure many things and remain completely stoic and calm. Her hysteria was unnerving."Maker, Olivia. I've never seen you like this. What happened?" Olivia choked on a sob.

"I'm b-b-b-bleeding, Cullen,"she cried. "I think there's something wrong with our b-b-baby." Olivia wept uncontrollably into Cullen's shoulder and he held her tightly.

"I'll get Yetta," said Cullen, letting Olivia go and standing up.

"No!" cried Olivia, grasping the arm of Cullen's night clothes. "Please don't leave me. I'm scared Cullen." Cullen moved back closer and held her hand. Olivia cried out and doubled over.

"Olivia, are you in pain? Because if you are, you need a healer."

"Yes," she answered. "It's been coming on stronger all night. It's every few minutes now. I think... I think I'm in some sort of l-l-labour."

"Labour". This was a word which they had previously mentioned with excitement. They had spoken it picturing Olivia with a large round belly, giving birth to a wriggling and thriving child. Cullen covered his mouth with his hand and took a moment to compose himself. Another cramp tore through her abdomen and Cullen jumped back startled as blood crept down Olivia's thighs. Olivia touched the liquid and looked at it, warm and sticky, and let a wave of sobs loose all over again.

Cullen hurried to his door and looked out. He could make out the outlines of the Qunari and Tevinter in the rain. "Iron Bull. Dorian," he yelled through the rain. "Go and fetch the Grey Warden named Yetta. That's an order. Send her to my office. ALONE!" Before they could even respond, Cullen hurried back to Olivia and knelt at her side and held her hands in his. "I'm here for you, my love. I won't leave."

"I'm so sorry," moaned Olivia. "I let you down. I let our baby down. I'll never forgive myself." Cullen grabbed Olivia close.

"Don't you ever say that. Ever. You could never let me down." He placed some desperate kisses on her forehead before turning her chin to make eye contact. "You understand?" Olivia's face crumpled as another pain tore through her. She clasped at his hand desperately.

"Cullen, the pain. It's unbearable. In every way. I think it might kill me and if it doesn't then I hope it does."

"Olivia, no," pleaded Cullen. "Don't speak like that."

"Life isn't worth living without my child," she whispered. Cullen's face fell and a tear ran down his face. He grimaced as he tried to compose himself.

For ten minutes, Cullen held Olivia as her body was racked with pain until they heard Yetta's heavy steps approaching. She rushed to Olivia's side, surveyed the situation and looked at Cullen. "Get some clean dry towels and lay them on your bed, some warm water to clean up and send somebody for fresh clothes." Cullen hurried off. "Ok, love. We have to get you to the bed but we can't risk you contracting on the ladder and falling. Once the next pain has come and gone we will get you up." Olivia whimpered and doubled over as another cramp ripped her abdomen. Yetta cast a healing aura to take off the edge.

Cullen returned soon after Olivia had been moved and he climbed the ladder hurriedly. Olivia was sat on the floor, her head buried into Yetta's shoulders and her hands gripping her sleeves as she endured another contraction. Cullen lay some towels on the bed and Yetta gently removed the clothes from Olivia's bottom half. They lay her on the bed, covering her modesty with another towel.

"The pain," Olivia groaned at Yetta. "It's getting worse and closer together." Cullen gently mopped Olivia's brow, gently removing the hair from her face.

"It's almost over, honey," Yetta said soothingly, while maintaining her healing spell.

"I don't want this. I don't want it to be over," Olivia whimpered. "I don't want to say goodbye." Cullen grabbed Olivia's hand.

"We'll get through this, my love," he told her. "I'm here for you."

Olivia curled her body as a severe pain pulled through her abdomen. She felt a warm, sticky gush and then was met by the easing of the pain. "I- I think it's over," Olivia said, her voice fraught with sadness and grief.

After Olivia had cleaned herself up, dressed herself and Yetta had left, Cullen and Olivia lay in bed holding one another tightly. The rain had stopped and silence pressed in on them from all directions. Moonlight poured in through holes in Cullen's ceiling which the Inquisition hadn't gotten round to fixing and highlighted the heap of bloodied towels and clothes.

"Olivia," whispered Cullen. "Will you be okay?" Olivia lay still, numbed by the day's events.

"I honestly don't know. How can I be okay? How can you?" Cullen frowned and held Olivia tighter.

"I'll cope. I-," Cullen choked back a tear. "I think seeing you go through this is the worst thing I've ever endured. Worse than Kirkwall or the Ferelden Circle. I just love you so much."

"Is this my fault?" Olivia asked. "I should have realised. I shouldn't have gone into battle. I shouldn't have had sex with you. I should have eaten better. I jinxed things by picking names." Olivia started crying again.

"You did nothing wrong. The Maker is holding our child in His arms now."

"I hope so," Olivia replied.

The morning sun crept low across Skyhold's herb garden casting short shadows. Cullen and Olivia stood closely together over a small hole, holding the remains of their tiny baby in a box which Yetta had brought them. Cullen placed the box into the hole and then stood, putting his hand into Olivia's.

"I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the Fade for there is no darkness, nor death either, in the Maker's Light and nothing that He has wrought shall be lost," Cullen recited. He looked to Olivia who looked at the hole, tears streaming down her face. She picked up a bush sapling and lowered it into the hole, adding dirt to stabilise the plant.

"It is hard to believe we were gifted with something so precious only to lose it," she said. "I know our child had no gender, no voice, never saw our faces or even grew past an inch or two. But they were my whole world. But to the whole world, our child has barely been recognised. Their heart beat won't even be a tiny flutter in the history books. I know we could have another child, but this one can't be replaced. This child was a promise all of its own."

Olivia sat next to the freshly planted bush and Cullen sat beside her. He held an arm around her as she rested her head on his shoulder. They stayed like that, deep in their grief, looking at the bush which represented a broken promise until Skyhold's garden started filling up. Then they said goodbye to their tiny child and left the garden.

A/N: If you made it this far, let me thank you. I realise this must have been a hard read but I felt compelled to write it. I've seen a lot of lovely fanfics on here where the inquisitor seems to pop babies out like peas. The reality is for 1 in 5 women, that they'll never meet their first conceived child. 1 in 25 won't meet their second either. I'm part of the 1 in 100 who didn't get to meet their third. Fortunately, number four stuck around and I now have a beautiful daughter.

Please give your feedback and reviews. I'm interested to see what your take on this is.