July 17, 2015
Week 43, 281 AC

It's been a year. Wow.

A year since I first "came" to Westeros, and frankly it feels like more sometimes and less other times. I'm so used to seeing red hair and blue eyes in the mirror that being a blonde has become a distant memory. It almost feels like Lysa Tully and I are no longer two separate individuals, but in fact one wholly rounded person. I wonder whether that has more to do with the fact that I've spent considerable time here now, or whether over the last many weeks, I've become increasingly comfortable being… well, being Lysa Tully.

The past month was pretty much my final one in Casterly Rock for a long time. We are to spend a month - a month! - travelling to the tourney, stopping on the way at minor holdfasts as well as larger castles for a day or so. This is Ser Kevan's idea of trying to get Jaime to be more responsible about his duties as heir. The primary one in the Westerlands is Golden Tooth, where Alysanne Lefford, the only child and heir of Lord Leo, is to join us. Jaime admitted to me that Alysanne is somewhat of an excitable, clingy sort of girl which has left me praying that it isn't me she clings to. Jaime on the other hand frowns when thinking of the journey, to my secret pleasure, as Tytos Brax and his brothers are, among other nobles, also set to join our entourage at Golden Tooth.

Ser Gerion has been tasked as a chaperone, which I can already tell won't be the worst thing at all. He's a loud, carefree man from what I've seen, and I just know he'll make the trip enjoyable when Jaime has his mood swings. I had been hoping for Tyrion to come along, but not wholly surprisingly, Ser Kevan received a note from the capital written by his brother, instructing that under no circumstances was his "wretched son" to "shame House Lannister in the presence of hundreds of assembled lords and ladies". My hatred for Lord Monster increased hundredfold on Jaime telling me the contents of the note. It is Tywin Lannister who shames his precious House by hiding his genius of a son from the world. What is worse is that no one even protested. It's as if it's simply a given fact that Tyrion is to be "protected" from everyone outside the Rock and Lannisport. It's simply not fair.

The best part of the trip up the Riverroad is that it will end at Riverrun, after which we take lesser paths to Harrenhal. I wrote to Lord Hoster to tell him of our coming, and what I received in return was joy that he would meet his daughter and future good-son once more. To my questions regarding Catelyn and Edmure, he apparently regretted to tell me that they wouldn't be accompanying me to the tourney on account of the wedding drawing close, but Uncle Brynden would. Lord Hoster certainly wasn't happy about the last, and I had a guilty moment of happiness on learning that the old man had been defied once more by his brother. Still, the part about Edmure and Cat is strange - I would have thought their father would have jumped at a chance to use them to somehow further his own ambitions. I'll have to ask Uncle Brynden about that.

The tourney itself is to last something like fifteen days. Jaime is as excited about it as I'm not, eager to prove himself deserving of his knighthood. He spends hours practicing with his lance and trouncing majority of his opponents in the yards like they're nothing but flies to his lion. The pride of Casterly Rock, indeed. His excited talk about competing against the likes of Barristan the Bold and his own idol, Arthur Dayne, 'the Sword of the Morning', makes me exasperated sometimes. For his sake, despite my reservations about these events, I can't help but wish that he gets to win something. He certainly has the skill for it.

I'm not the only person appreciative of Jaime's way with weapons. One day in the Stone Garden, he asked me a peculiar question - if I could forsake everything in my regular life to become a part of something legendary, would I? I didn't know what he had meant then, but I only told him that I would consider whether this legendary something was really legendary and worth forsaking everything for. Here's something: Jaime's not really someone for philosophical talk. I know that. I asked him flat-out where he was coming from, and after much hesitation and prodding, he showed me a letter thus far a secret, from the office of Ser Gerold Hightower, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard of Aerys II Targaryen.

The Kingsguard is pretty much a glorified bodyguard for the ruling monarch, consisting of seven knights honoring the seven gods of the Faith. They are all highly skilled warriors from varied ranks of society, but there's a catch: they can hold no titles or lands, and have to remain celibate for the rest of their lives. Even forswear all ties to family - though this may not be as strict, considering that Marq's uncle, Ser Oswell Whent - a knight of the Kingsguard - is still very much a feature in their household. On reading the offer Jaime had received, my first reactions were pride and surprise. Certainly the king believed that Jaime was able enough to protect his family from threats, but how could he just appoint a fifteen-year old with lack of major experience to his personal guard? As prestigious as it is for Jaime, it also sounds rather reckless of the royal administration. If he were to accept, Tyrion would be heir to Casterly Rock, and I can't imagine Lord Monster liking that very much - and he is the Hand of the King. The Prime Minister equivalent. Jaime's excitement was due to the fact that he was the youngest ever knight to be offered a position, but surely there had to be a reason for that. How had his father just agreed? Westeros works in different ways, but surely handing a newly knighted fifteen-year old such a huge responsibility was unheard of. There had to be a reason, but what was it?

I don't think I've ever seen Jaime so conflicted. I bombarded him with the questions buzzing through my mind and eventually he started doubting the motivations of the letter as well, though sometimes he acquired a faraway look in his eyes that made it seem like he was actually considering accepting. And in those moments, I admit, I didn't feel fine at all. If he did become a Kingsguard, what would it mean for me? With a broken engagement, I would be back in Lord Hoster's protection to use me to play his field. Once more I would be shoved towards a lordling with nothing on Jaime to play knights-and-maidens with. I was happy for him, yes, and proud as well - but there was still that part of me that didn't want him to go.

Finally I convinced him to disclose the truth about the letter to Lady Genna and his uncles as soon as possible so that if I couldn't help him make a decision, at least they would. All four of them were shocked and suspicious, even Ser Tygett who is usually nothing more or less than angry. Lord Monster did not know, or if he did, he hadn't mentioned it to them. What followed was a loud discussion, with each of them talking over the other and debating the true reason for the appointment. What all agreed upon was that were Jaime to accept, he would playing right into the hands of King Aerys, and were he to decline, he would have to face the wrath of the man for not doing as was expected of him.

Still, there was no option, not really. All of them insisted that he say no. Ser Kevan spoke of how Tywin Lannister is the true power behind the Iron Throne and whatever backlash Jaime would receive would be handled by his father. There would be troubling issues that could come up was Jaime to say yes rather than no - the succession to the lordship, for one, as well as the betrothal tie to another Lord Paramount whose lands bordered their own. They were scared, I realised, when Jaime told me - they were scared for Tyrion, most of all, and scared that Lord Hoster might be bold enough to threaten their boundaries.

Jaime himself wasn't so easy to be convinced. He began spending more and more time in the practice yards thrashing poor squires as well as both incapable and experienced knights. He was without doubt able enough for the post, I knew, but all the while I could only hope that he would reject the offer. It was selfish of me, perhaps, but I hoped so all the same.

He yet hasn't made up his mind.

Lady Genna ordered new dresses to be made for me so I wouldn't shame House Lannister by dressing in "riverlander rags", and my annoyance at some of the designs drove me to help the seamstresses with the patterns. One of them even assisted me in bettering my crooked stitches so I could show her my ideas better, and Lady Genna was so shocked by my considerably improved needlework that she rewarded the seamstress with a fat bag of Lannister gold. She can be surprisingly generous if she wants to. Another worker to receive such a fat bag was one of the apprentices of the master of horse, who along with Ser Gerion and Addam at my urgings produced a saddle that can be used by Tyrion to ride a pony all by himself. It was probably one of Jaime's little brother's crowning moments of happiness - he was wonderstruck and giddy with excitement on knowing that one of his dreams had been fulfilled. It was a proud moment for me, too, and Jaime's approval at my role in the creation of the saddle kept me hopeful of his intentions regarding Lord Commander Hightower's letter.

I was grilled endlessly by Lady Genna about courtesy and manners that I would have to show to the nobles at Harrenhal, but to my surprise she wasn't so bad as she had been before, as I believe she too approved of my urging Ser Gerion and Addam to designing the saddle. She cares for Tyrion far more than most of the fools at the Rock - in fact, she cares about all her family (other than her husband that is) in a way that I suspect Lord Monster can never dream of. It's one of her redeeming qualities.

I think I'm going to miss the westerlands while I'm at Harrenhal, to be honest. I know Harrenhal is going to be a good opportunity to learn more about this world, and I will be able to meet Edmure, Cat and Shirei on the way plus stay in Marq's family's castle for close to a month. I'll even get to meet Cersei Lannister, who is making her way from King's Landing for the tourney. I won't have to meet Lord Monster either, who will be busy with his duties in the capital. All that I have going for me. What I'm less keen about, though, is King Aerys being there, and having to find out there finally what Jaime's choice will be. I'd been bored and irritated at Lady Genna's nameday feast, so I shudder to imagine the thought of hundreds of nobles that will interact with me. Everytime I think back to when Marq had told me of the castle, I have a reproachful pang in my chest. Nevertheless, I will have to go - it is far too late reconsider now. Lady Genna would not be pleased at all were I to stay back and without me there I fear what kind of decision Jaime might make.

We leave early tomorrow. There's going to be Lannisport freeriders and knights joining us to try their luck at the tourney, even guards like Sneering Ser Preston. It is a strange assortment, from fresh-faced squires to repulsive bodybuilders masquerading as knights. My relief is that a giant brute of a man named Gregor Clegane, who is a Lannister bannerman, was commanded to stay at the Rock to handle a tax dispute nearby. That man scares me, and I don't think I would have been able to stay at peace during the trip with his eyes sharply boring into my back. There are other brutes, of course, but none quite so fierce. I had been hoping that all of them would be asked to stay back, but no - I suspect their presence has been encouraged to scare off bandits. Tyrion seemed to be scared of these very men attacking us instead, all the while hugging Ser Gerion, Jaime and I and making us promise to come back soon. He's going to be left alone for a long time. I almost volunteered to stay back at the Rock with him on looking at the pained expression on his face, but I know I can't. To Harrenhal it is, for me - to Harrenhal and whatever awaits there...

notes: So, here we are. This is the end of The Private Journal, and Maria/Lysa's story continues in Uprising, the first chapter of which will be up by the time you see this. Thank you so, so much for the support I received throughout this story; I could not have done it without the numerous reviews, favourites or follows that I got. I deleted eight chapters of the fic and started again and yet there are people who did not stop reading. Also a million kudos to my favourite reviewers, Lord of Carrion and coolgirl. I hope to see you all reviewing this final chapter as well as Uprising; your comments are encouraging and really drive me to write quick. Again, thank you so much. You guys are the best.

- Ish