Author's Note: This was written at about 3am, and I think it shows. Basically it's going to be a set of diaries, in the same kind of style as the Bridget Jones or Georgia Nicolson books. It also owes much to Cassandra Claire's "Very Secret Diaries" in the way that a single phrase is repeated many times, and in the way that all of the chapters in this series will be based around the same group of events.
The days are just numbered so that you know how they link up. I suppose I could have assigned real dates, but I find people skip those. Also, in this, the LEP offices are made up of cubicles for most of the workers - but Root gets his own office. Just so you know.
Day 1
Decided to have some fun with Foaly when was sent to Ops to collect my gear for a routine mission. Quietly moved things around when I thought he wasn't watching. Was given a funny look as left room, however, so must have been seen.
Suspicions were confirmed when I returned to my cubicle. Swivel chair collapsed when I sat on it. Then spent half an hour fixing it. Stupid Foaly. Will have to be twice as sneaky next time.
Coffee tasted funny, but may be fault of milk which comes in packets without best-before dates. As am only one who drinks coffee, suspect that coffee machine is only for show. Nobody would think to inform me though - have played too many tricks on other officers to warrant sympathy.
Day 2
Remembered Corporal Newt used to drink coffee. Asked him why he stopped. Was told coffee machine just for show. Received many taunts at lunch when did not have usual caffeine dose. Have definitely played too many jokes. Am not popular among the masses. Shall have to play huge joke on Beetroot to make up for it.
Chair did not collapse today. Desk did. Stupid Foaly. Will have to steal his foil hat. Or his carrots. Although then would probably wake up next day with fake moustache glued to face. May be best to find safe hiding place before exacting Ultimate Revenge.
Day 3
Moved Beetroot's wastepaper basket and he fell over it. Small burn mark now on carpet where cigar was squashed into it. Slightly larger burn mark on carpet where cigar set wastepaper in wastepaper basket alight. Was very funny for about two seconds, until Root worked out it was me. Am in big trouble now. Still, have wonderful memory of Beetroot inventing new shade of red.
Neither chair or desk collapsed today. Thought was safe until discovered girls' toilet door welded shut. Stupid Foaly. Must think up brilliantly inventive Ultimate Revenge by tomorrow. Or at least a mildly funny prank I can capture on camera.
Day 4
As punishment for wastepaper bin incident was forced to do snack run to café opposite station. Sneakily added some of nasty fake coffee from station coffee machine to Beetroot's latte. Foaly didn't order a drink. Stupid Foaly. Shall have to find some better way of getting back at him. Asked fellow ex-coffee-drinker Newt for ideas. Was informed that wastepaper incident was stupid and should grow up. Moved his wastebin to prove him wrong. Did not see him fall over it but spent afternoon cackling at thought.
Day 5
Have not seen Newt all day to drop subtle-as-a-brick-wall hints about wastebin. Wondering if he too ashamed to show face. Or if he plotting Ultimate Revenge against me. Hoping for former, although latter would prove good excuse for further pranks. Not that really need excuse.
Beetroot must have noticed oddness of latte yesterday and also did not order drink. Sent me on errand to buy cigars instead. Whilst was out, also went to joke shop and bought fake cigar. Exchanged for one in box. Tried very hard to look innocent when handing Root his cigars. Suspect that wide grin gave it away though. Before end of shift, exploding cigar was returned to me. Lit. Eyebrows now slightly singed.
Day 6
Heard the news today that Newt is in hospital with broken arm and broken leg after falling over wastebin. Felt guilty until remembered he told me to grow up. Thought some more and realised he was probably right.
Went to talk with Foaly about (second) wastebin incident. Was given sympathy, advice and a big electric shock when I tried to sneakily move things again. Stupid Foaly. Felt much better for first two, though. Was nice to confide in friend and have fears alleviated a little.
But upon returning to station, was pounced on by Beetroot. Foaly informed him that I was the Wastebin Bandit as soon as I left Ops. Stupid Foaly. Went back later and stole both tin hat and carrots as impulsive Ultimate Revenge. Felt a little better for it.
Day 7
Woke up this morning with fake moustache glued to face. Could not face the thought of going to work. Called in sick. Stupid Foaly.
If am going to exact true Ultimate Revenge in future, shall have to secure house better. Will buy large dog tomorrow. Or as soon as have removed moustache.
Day 8
Face is sore, but have gotten moustache off. Also, went to petshop to buy dog. Bought cat instead. Have called him Pookums. Spends half of his time licking his privates, and the other half attacking anything that moves. Think name suits him. Well, he does smell of excretion, just a bit...
Day 9
Had to rescue milkman from Pookums this morning. Hands now very scratched. Still, am glad, knowing that worse fate will befall Foaly if he attempts to retaliate to my Ultimate Revenge.
Went back to work today. Root appeared pleased to see me, although later worked out this was only because he can now make me run errands again. Planned to hide from him in girls' toilets - then discovered door was still welded shut. Stupid Foaly. Hid in cubicle instead. Amazingly, was not crushed by it falling down or any such thing. Foaly must be running out of ideas. Hah, the Wastebin Bandit strikes again!
Day 10
Was amazingly inspired when could not sleep yesterday. Now have brilliant plan to exact Ultimate Revenge. Am not sure that can legally purchase required amounts of hairspray, however, so shall have to go with Plan B. Will only then be exacting Medium Revenge, but will hopefully still get a good laugh out of it.
Kept a low profile today in preparation for tomorrow. That in itself would have been suspicious but for the fact that accidentally left note around with "DIE FROND DIE" written on it. Hah. Will now have fooled them all into thinking that I'm gunning for her and not Foaly. Medium Revenge shall be mine!
Day 11
Am very proud of self. Replaced Foaly's carrots with fake ones, poured fake coffee into his real coffee when he wasn't looking, attached a "kick me" sign to the back of his hat, moved his wastebin to prominent position and just snuck into his house and glued a fake moustache to his face... across his eyelids, in fact.
Can sleep easy in the knowledge that have exacted Medium Revenge, and Pookums will be keeping me safe tonight.
Day 12
Woke up moustache-free! Pookums did his job well. And when I got to the station, nothing fell apart beneath me! Felt even prouder than yesterday, although had to do the food run again. Thought had beaten Foaly at his own game...
Then was ambushed by own wastebin, in middle of doorway, when returning to cubicle after errands done. Was not expecting it and tripped, knocking self out on desk.
Despite having been gotten by Foaly, am now suspected by the masses not to be the Wastebin Bandit, so feel good. Apart from the large lump on my head. (And I don't mean Pookums, although he is sitting up there.)