So here we go. My first attempt at writing a Naruto fanfiction. I've been bouncing this idea around in my head for a while but it never really worked out. Where is this plot point going? How do I fit that plot point in? This character's OP. What am I doing with that character? I finally had an idea of what I was going to do. Then The Ugliness started. First the manga had what is without a doubt the worst ending I've ever seen. Then Kishimoto's handling of everything caused me to lose all respect for him. Then the Sakura bashers decided that NaruHina being canon somehow made them better than everyone else and gave them the right to talk down to everyone else. And since all their arguments are based around "NaruHina's canon so suck it!" they made all the actual NaruHina fans look like jackasses. Even though I know several NaruHina fans that hated the ending just as much as I did. But enough about me. Let's see how this goes.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. It is the property of Masashi Kishimoto. This fanfiction is a non-profit parody allowed by fair use. This disclaimer applies to any and all future chapters. If I did own Naruto I would have pulled that garbage anime off the air after 3 episodes.

=X=

The sun slowly set over Konohagakure no Sato, one of the five Great Shinobi Villages. While most businesses were locking their doors for the night, one person was not so lucky. In the tall tower near the center of the village the Fifth Hokage, Tsunade Senju sat behind her desk, a large pile of paperwork next to her. She sighed and ran a hand through her long blonde hair knowing she had brought this on herself. Despite what many people thought being Hokage didn't mean day after day of endless paperwork. Even with all the extra paperwork the Suna/Oto invasion had created, on top of the paperwork generated by the hospital, she still found time to train her new apprentice Sakura Haruno and still have an hour or two to herself every day. The endless paperwork was just an easy excuse for when she didn't want to have to deal with somebody. However over the last few days she had slacked off a bit, resulting in her current predicament. She sighed once again as she dated her signature

"Brat, you better hurry up and get back here." She muttered to herself. "I'm getting tired of waiting for you to take this job from me." The reason for her recent slacking was her preparing for the return of the number one hyperactive knucklehead ninja of Konoha. The one who had snapped her out of her decades long depression following the deaths of her brother and lover in the Second Shinobi World War. The jinchuriki of the nine tailed demon fox, the last known member of the Uzumaki clan, and self proclaimed Sixth Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki.

"You know, when you put it that way, you'll probably scare the brat away." A voice behind her said. Tsunade looked over her shoulder and saw someone she wasn't expecting for a few more days. It was her teammate, the legendary toad sage Jiraiya. Noticing the glare she was giving him, his dopey grin got bigger. "Come on Tsunade. I don't see you for three years and the first thing you do is glare at me?" Jiraiya pouted "I thought we had something special." Tsunade rolled her eyes but couldn't herself from smiling.

"Welcome back." She said before going back to filling out paperwork. "You should have let me know you were coming back early. Sakura will be disappointed she didn't get to meet Naruto as soon as he got back." Jiraiya moved to sit on the couch but before he could get comfortable, Tsunade asked the one question he had been hoping to put off. "Speaking off which, where is Naruto?" Trying to figure out how to word it so Tsunade wouldn't kill him, he decided to just rip the band-aid off. Putting on his best smile he happily declared,

"No idea! Honestly, I haven't seen him in over a year." Seeing Tsunade freeze up he realized that his efforts to sound optimistic made him sound a little too enthusiastic about not knowing Naruto's whereabouts. Before he could start explaining, Tsunade snapped the pen she was writing with and slowly stood up.

"Jiraiya," she said in the evilest tone he had ever heard. "You have exactly three seconds to start explaining why Naruto isn't with you, or I will unleash a hell that will make Orochimaru's experiments look merciful!" She began slowly cracking her knuckles while Jiraiya began panicking.

"Wait! Wait! Wait!" he begged. "The toads were watching over him the whole time! He was never in any danger! Look!" Jiraiya quickly flew through the hand seals for the summoning technique. In a puff of smoke a small toad, with large eyebrows wearing a dark cape appeared. Before he even realized where he was Jiraiya grabbed him and held him in front of Tsunade like a shield. "Go on Fukasaku! Tell Tsunade what Naruto's been up to. Tell her he's fine! Go on." Fukasaku quickly separated himself from Jiraiya and jumped onto Tsunade's shoulder.

"Please refrain from using me as a shield in the future." He said as he dusted himself off. "Especially since I told you it was a bad idea to wait this long to tell her." Fukasaku turned and hopped onto Tsunade's desk. "That aside," he said as he began clearing some space, "I have some papers that Naruto wanted me to pass on to you once he got back. I don't see any harm in giving them to you a few days early. And Naruto's fine." Satisfied that Tsunade's desk was cleared enough he turned back to his summoner and the enraged medic still glaring at him. "I shall return momentarily." He said with a bow before reverse summoning himself.

"See?" Jiraiya said nervously "Naruto's fine. You can stop trying to kill me with your eyes now. Right? Tsunade?" The furious Hokage continued glaring for a moment before she turn and walked back to her desk.

"Very well." She calmly started, "You've proven that Naruto isn't in any danger. So I can't be mad at you for that." She sat down and pulled a bottle of sake out of one of the drawers. "Now for my next question," Tsunade opened the bottle and swig, as Jiraiya nervously sat in the chair in front of her desk, knowing she probably didn't want him lounging on the couch right now. Tsunade took several deep breaths before looking at her teammate. "Jiraiya, why the hell did you let Naruto go running off in the first place?"

"Well, it was right after Naruto's fifteenth birthday," he began "Naruto had gone into the woods to train and didn't come back that night. It wouldn't have been the first time he spent all night training so I didn't think much off it. But the next mourning he was back at camp, just staring at the fire with this dead look in his eyes. I tried to get his attention but he just ignored me. Right as I was getting worried he suddenly got this really determined look in his eyes and asked if he could spend the last year of the trip training by himself. He said he would have the toads with him if things got too dangerous and he really needed to do this. After seeing that look in his eyes I agreed but told him that if he wasn't learning anything the toads would summon him back to me. I didn't hear anything from them so I assumed everything was going well." Before Tsunade could begin lecturing him on how irresponsible it was to just hope the toads could summon Naruto away from danger Fukasaku reappeared with a haphazard pile of scrolls and papers.

"Last time I get Gamakichi to keep track of paperwork." He muttered to himself. "Sorry about the disorganization, but I think I can find the important ones." He began looking through the papers while Jiraiya and Tsunade wondered what exactly Naruto did to generate this much paperwork. Fukasaku picked up a scroll and gave it to Tsunade. "This details the origins of chakra and the first chakra users." He said. Before Tsunade could ask any questions Fukasaku held up a small folder with stack of papers inside. "Here's a formal request from the leaders of Amegakure for a political alliance between the two villages." Both Jiraiya and Tsunade stared at Fukasaku with their jaws on the ground. Naruto had somehow convinced one of the most paranoid and isolated hidden villages to open up to outsiders? Sure, there were rumors that Hanzo had been overthrown but since the borders remained closed nobody had been able to verify them.

"Fukasaku," Tsunade began, "how exactly did Naruto come in contact with the leaders of Ame?" Walking into a hidden village was one thing. Meeting up with the top ninja was another. Fukasaku picked up a stack of papers stapled together and handed it to Tsunade.

"He heard a rumor that the leader of Akatsuki was in Ame and decided to investigate." Jiraiya and Tsunade's eyes popped out of their heads. "The leader's girlfriend, I'm assuming, approached him and they hit it off. One thing lead to another and him and those two are real good friends now. Speaking off which, Akatsuki has been disbanded and those are the profiles of all its former members." Jiraiya quickly grabbed the papers from Tsunade's hand while she was to stunned to stop him. While Jiraiya was comparing Naruto's notes with the information he had gathered over the last year Fukasaku grabbed a folder the looked similar to the first only bigger. "Here's a request by the Mizukage for an alliance between Konoha and Kiri." Once again Tsunade's jaw hit the floor.

"You're telling me the brat who refers to the Hokage as 'Granny' somehow managed to convince two of the most isolated hidden villages to open their borders to outsiders?" Tsunade asked. Fukasaku just smiled at her.

"You of all people should know of his ability to positively influence people." Tsunade blushed while Jiraiya, who had finished looking over the files of the ex-Akatsuki members, laughed. Before Tsunade could come up with a response Fukasaku handed her another paper. "Naruto has requested that you make the records of Itachi Uchiha's final mission public." Jiraiya was confused as to why Naruto would ask for that, before he noticed Tsunade seemed very nervous. Before he could ask Fukasaku handed him another stack of papers stapled together. "There's the information on almost all the jinchuriki. Who they are, where they are, their abilities. All that stuff."

Jiraiya began flipping through the files and saw that they were all rather thorough. "How exactly did he get this information?" He asked, "The jinchuriki are some of the most well guarded secrets in a hidden village. Also why is there no info on the Sanbi host?" Fukasaku looked up from flipping through papers.

"Well, for the most part, he just asked them. Most of the last year was spent meeting with all the other jinchuriki. Of course, some leaders weren't very happy when they learned a Konoha ninja was befriending their weapons. But for the most part they all like him." Once again Jiraiya's jaw hit the floor. "As for the Sanbi, the Fourth Mizukage was killed and Naruto wants to keep the new jinchuriki a secret for now." Fukasaku held up two more sheets of paper, once again cutting off the questions the two Sannin had. "These are the last two important things. They're a pair of techniques that Naruto created. Or rather he improved existing techniques in ways only he could." Tsunade and Jiraiya raised their eyebrows. "The first is a healing technique that uses large amounts on Yang chakra to generate organs from nothing. The other is a method of using Yang chakra to complete the Edo Tensei." Jiraiya and Tsunade stared blankly for a few seconds before they exploded into a series of questions. Unable to understand a thing they were saying Fukasaku took a deep breath. "SHUT UP!" The two ninja stopped, if only because they were shocked such a small toad could be so loud. "If you two have any questions you can just ask Naruto yourselves. He should be back tomorrow with his new teammates. Now if you'll excuse me, Shima will be rather upset with me if I miss dinner." With that Fukasaku reverse summoned himself back home. Jiraiya and Tsunade still had a million questions but as they looked at each other, they had the same thought.

"New teammates?"

=X=

Meanwhile in the forests outside Konoha a trio of teens sat around a small campfire. The first one was a blonde boy with three whisker marks on each cheek, wearing a black and orange shirt and pants with a large red jacket. He was sitting in a meditative stance, carefully taking in all everything in the environment around him. On his right was a very feminine black haired boy, wearing a bright pink sleeveless kimono. He was very carefully cleaning an absolutely massive sword, with a blade almost as long as he was tall. Next to them the only girl in their group tended to the fire while stealing glances at the black haired boy. She had lopsided red hair and deep red eyes behind her glasses. All three of them were looking forward to reaching Konoha tomorrow. Hopefully they would be able to enjoy the peace for just a little before the coming war finally erupted.

=X=

And there we go. Sorry if this chapter is a bit choppy. I was writing this really late at night, plus I needed to get through all the boring introductions before the interesting action starts. Hopefully future chapters will be a bit smoother. Not sure when the next chapter will be out, but I'll try and make it soon.