Chapter 1:

"Let's see. Let's see," muttered Ice-King. "Demonic Wishing Eye... Check. Volume 47 of The Adventures of Fionna and Cake... Check. Troy's Compendium of Space-Time manipulations... Check. Magic Salt for protection circle... Check." It appeared he was ready for the conjunction. "Daddy's gonna' get a new girlfriend," said Ice-King. "Just you watch, Gunther." As the penguin watched, the crazy old man fished each of the named articles out of his bag. When he had everything out, he checked again before starting to arrange everything just so for the conjunction.

Taking up his fanfic, Ice-King flipped to his best drawing of Fionna and Cake. Holding his thumb between the pages to keep his place, the Ice-King ticked off in his mind all the stuff he needed to do before, during, and after the conjunction. Of course after the conjunction he'd be doing Fionna. He grinned an evil grin at the thought of bouncing on those curves and railing the little blond hard!

Shaking that thought off, he returned to his preparations. The conjunction was minutes away, and he needed to be ready. Moving around the clearing, he began laying out his protection circle as he went down the list of things to do. It was hard when he had such a short attention span and his mind wanted to wander off. Standing there thinking about Fionna's pretty teenage lips around his whang, Ice-King got rather distracted. Then, as his watch chimed, he realized he needed to pick up the pace. The conjunction was just ten minutes out now.

It was as he was finishing the circle of protection, that he realized he was missing the bottle of nymph tears. That was one of the most important ingredients! If he didn't have that, he might as well go home because his wish wasn't going to work, and there was no sense in risking getting butt-hurt by demonic spirits for nothing! Scrambling around him, he searched for the precious vial in a panic. "Did I leave it in the cave," he asked himself? If he left it in the cave, he was screwed! There wouldn't be another conjunction for twenty years! Who wanted to be left with a boner for twenty years!

As he was considering using the demonic wishing eye to wish for a bottle of Nymph tears, he finally spotted the precious vial in Gunther's dirty little flippers. "Gimme that," growled the old man, as he snatched the precious bottle. "I'mma give you the squirty-squirts..." "Quack," replied Gunther. "The nerve of some people," muttered Ice-King as he checked the bottle over. His watch chimed. It was the second warning bell. The conjunction was almost on him.

Rushing through his preparations now, the Ice-King began his incantation, even as he rushed to finish the circle of protection. In his sloppy haste, he very nearly ran out of salt. Hope the circle's not too thin, thought the old wizard. He'd been butt-hurt by a demon before, and he didn't want that again. No, sir! "Gunther," growled Ice-King! "Leave that alone!" Rolling his eyes, he went back to his incantation. That penguin! Always causing trouble!

Checking and rechecking his preparations, the Ice-King counted down the minutes and then the seconds, while he tried to keep Gunther away from the edges of his circle. Finally, the Sun, moon, and Ooo aligned just so, and he was ready. Speaking the last word of his incantation, he called upon the spirit of the demonic wishing eye. At first nothing happened, and he feared he'd screwed something up. Then, momentarily, that was the least of his worries. The terrible fiend that lived in the heart of his demonic wishing eye came flowing out of the glowing crystal orb.

Almost immediately it began probing his circle for weaknesses. Ice-King fidgeted there as the evil entity punched and kicked the barrier, pressing in against it until it looked like the thin spot might give. The fierce demon growled its hatred at him, demanding, "who dost call upon the Hand of Abadeer?!" "Uh, yeah," said Ice-King. "That'd be me..." Frowning, the evil entity demanded, "why dost thou call? The Eye gives thee the power to have anything thou dost desire save the creation of life..." Frowning, as he realized he'd just answered his own question, the demon rolled his eyes and said, "yo, Simple Simon... You gotta quit this, man. The Boss gets pissy when people ask for life... N'ah mean?" "I dig it," replied the Ice-King, "but look... I been extra naughty this year. I kicked a couple of puppies and tossed a kitten or two out the window. I think I deserve a wish." Rolling his eyes, the demon said, "well, for the kicking of puppies, be thy wish granted..." Then, "uhm... what are you wishing for again? New penguins? A dog?"

Grabbing his fanfic, Ice-King flipped the pages to the one he wanted and held it up. At least he thought he grabbed the right one. "See," said he. "I want the girl! Right now! Right here!" Studying the picture, the Hand frowned and said, "well, it's not a bad likeness. Ya know Simon, if you put some effort into selling your fanfic, ya might get a girl... Sigh... Never mind. Do you have the nymph's tears?"

"Sure do," said Ice-King as he pet his pockets. "Doggone it!" And then he saw Gunther outside the circle. "Gunther," he howled! "That's my spell-component! You bring that back right now!" Rolling his eyes, the Hand snatched the spell component for the ritual. "You sure that's the one you want," asked the Hand? "Yeah," said Ice-King! "She's perfect for me!" The Hand thought she was too.

The demon began to chant to the accompaniment of a susurrus of whispering voices. Evil thoughts filled the Ice-King's mind as the spill over from the demon's terrible heart washed over him. The air grew icy cold, and it began to snow as freezing winds blew all around him. "Quack," announced Gunther. "Not now, Gunther," retorted Ice-King. "He's working on the ritual." The little fellow tried to trip the demon as he capered about, chanting in his awful voice like nails on slate. Ice-King had to go and snatch him back up. "Quack," said Gunther plaintively! "I'll take you on a walk in a minute...," retorted Ice-King.

His anticipation grew as the demon's chanting rose to a crescendo. Almost there, he thought. The demon took the bottle of nymph tears and quaffed it before spitting it into the raging bonfire beside Ice-King's circle of protection. The storm of wind grew until it became a whirlwind, picking up sand and debris and obscuring everything around the Ice-King. When it ended, there was dead silence, and the demon was gone.

And Ice-King's prize lay on the ground before him.

Excitedly, Ice-King rushed out of the circle, barely remembering to avoid breaking it–just in case. Kneeling down, he grabbed for Fionna's hand, only to find that he hadn't wished up Fionna at all. "Are you fucking kidding me," growled the Ice-King?! "Globdammit, Gunther! Thanks to you, I grabbed the wrong page!" Muttering curses as he stormed about, he demanded, "now what am I gonna do?!"