Set during 6x03, "Welcome to Paradise"

The dirty little Herbert

Was thinking an escape

But the place was well guarded

He's nearing the brink but he thinks first

The parallel universe perhaps could be the perfect scene

I think you should know you're his favourite worst nightmare

"D is for Dangerous"-Arctic Monkeys

Chapter 1-You're His Favorite Worst Nightmare

She had not seen him in four months.

Normally, Kai's disappearance from her vicinity for any amount of time would be a cause for celebration. She could sleep peacefully through the night without waking up with a knife to her throat. She didn't have to worry about getting ambushed in the shower-grappling with him stark naked and wet as she tried to escape his hold on her neck.

Of course, the peaceful moments were ruined by his eventual reappearances.

But he had never stayed away this long.

Driving past the Mystic Falls Welcome sign, Skye slowed the car down and pulled onto the shoulder of the highway. Getting out, she surveyed the hilly, wooded green landscape and couldn't believe of all the places in the world, Kai would pick a little town in Virginia to spend of all of his time recently. What had he'd been doing? They were the only two people in the world, or well this magical purgatory.

And he had made no mention of his interest in the small town in the short phone call he had made to her.

Her suspicion of his disappearance had motivated her to page him, to dial those ridiculous digits. She remembered his amused, sarcastic tone when she had answered the phone and could only imagine the smirk on his face, as he greeted her with, "Well, I must say this is a surprise, Skyler."

She had collapsed on the sofa of the small house she had been occupying. Relief had hit her hard at the sound of his voice, though she thought it was dumb to feel that way. Nothing could really happen to them in this weird prison world, not even death, but sometimes she figured her brain was still hardwired to worry. The next emotion she had felt was disgust for being worried over him. Skye had quickly collected herself and responded, "Hi, Malachai. Whatcha been up to? Mutilated any neighborhood pets lately?"

Kai had paused for a moment. "Now, I didn't call you to get insulted. Pets? Really? I think I'm above that." She had rolled her eyes, but listened as he continued. "Anyway, I'm guessing you're worried about little old me in this scary big world. Your concern has touched me deep, Skye. Very deep in the cold cockles of... that thing in the middle of my chest." She could imagine him patting his hand over his heart as he delivered the last line-always the performer. "However, something tells me you would never admit to your concern. So, I'm curious as to what story you're gonna spin me to make me believe otherwise."

Then it had been Skye's turn to pause. This marked the first time in the 18 years that they had been stuck there that she had ever wondered about his whereabouts-usually, he'd always sought her out and she always tried to evade. She started, "Well, I'm really just curious to find out why and where you've been hiding. I mean, I'm sure there are at least sixty-four more gruesome ways you haven't killed me yet." She had hoped her tone and words came off light and casual to spite the pit in her stomach.

"True, but I've been too busy for a brainstorming session."

"Doing what?" she had demanded skeptically.

"Why don't you come find out?" He had been teasing her, but there was also a small undercurrent of something in his voice that seemed akin to manic glee. Almost like he was bursting to tell her his secret after all, but also enjoyed being coy. When she hadn't immediately responded, he continued: "Look, since I'm a generous mood, I will be willing to give you three clues. One, I may be in one of the thirteen original colonies. Two, the town may be named after a geographic feature paired with a synonym for the occult. Three...hmm...I lied about having a third one."

She had been scrambling around the house at this point, frantically searching for a pen and paper only to come up empty. And of course the searching had proved distracting and she realized she had only been paying half-attention to his words.

"Kai, wait a minute. What-"

"Hope you put that degree of yours to good use," he interrupted. "Bye, babe." The dial-tone had seemed especially cruel just then, but Skye came to the conclusion it was really just the guy that had preceded it.

It taken her a while to figure out the stupid clues-she spent two weeks huddled in a library in Lawrence, Kansas, pouring over a map of the United States and history books, paying close attention to the East Coast. Amazingly, she had narrowed it down to one town, but only after she racked her brain to remember word for word the clues he had given her.

Now, Skye made her way down the road, walking, into the township of Mystic Falls. She had abandoned the car in favor of being inconspicuous. She didn't want alert Kai to her arrival just yet. First, she wanted figure out just what he was up to, then she planned to make her presence known in the most dramatic and epic way. Perhaps, it could involve a baseball bat straight to his skull. It was fun having the upper hand sometimes.

Skye set up camp in a house across from the only grocery store in town. Knowing Kai as well as she unfortunately did, he would undoubtedly be stopping by anytime for his fix of saturated fat. The boy had disgusting eating habits-his obsession with pork rinds was her least favorite.

She had rummaged through the ranch home on her arrival, and to her surprised elation, did actually come across an aluminum baseball bat in what appeared to be the room of a male child. She had walked back to living room, and propped it against the wall right next to the window.

Now, she was occupying herself, taking strategic peeks through the curtains of the window.

For thirty minutes, she repeated the process. Peek and duck, peek and duck. Until she glimpsed something she'd never thought she'd see and complete shock took over her body. With her mouth wide open, Sky watched as two very unfamiliar strangers walked into the store. One stranger was a male with dark hair, which could have easily been Kai, but he looked shorter and his gait was more fluid and relaxed. Also, he was wearing plaid-a Kai fashion don't. Kai also definitely couldn't be the accompanying stranger because she was a female with shoulder length brown hair and brown skin. Skye rubbed her eyes, but when she opened them she could still see their figures through the storefront windows.

"Oh my god," Skye whispered. So this was why Kai had come here.

She ducked down again, but this time she slouched against the wall. Bringing her hands up to her temples, she sorted through a plan of action. She could approach them right now-that's what her instincts were screaming at her to do. Her uncertainty, however, was battling her instincts. First, she had no idea who these strangers were. Second, Kai was still unaccounted for. But her excitement over the strangers was threatening to burst forth and compel her to act.

She stood and grabbed the bat, ready to head out of the door when, through the window, she finally spotted him walking around the corner of the store. She was sure it was him, his walk was more measured and he was the right height. His clothes were the biggest indicator-layers, a green canvas jacket paired with a t-shirt.

He came up to the mechanical carousel by the entrance, and...put a quarter in it? The recorded music chimed out and reached her hideout. Skye furrowed her brow as Kai quickly walked back around the corner from where he had came. It clicked, though, when the strangers came out and approached the horse cautiously. They didn't know Kai was there, which meant he was playing with them. Once a sadist, always a sadist, she thought. She continued to watch the strangers as they struggled to figure out their situation, and argued with each other before the girl walked away and the man strode back into the store.

Kai lounged on the patio chair inside the grocery store, and popped another pork rind in his mouth. Damon and Bonnie bickering over his games with them never ceased to amuse him, but he figured it was finally time to put his plan into action. Especially since Skyler had arrived to join the party.

He smiled to himself, reminiscing about the last time they had seen each other. Meetings between the two usually went one of two ways: with one of them dead or with sex. He hadn't really been in the mood for the latter. Knives were usually his first choice of weapon, but there was something to be said about fire. The burn and whelps it left behind. And her strangled screams had been delightful; he was one hundred percent sure they were his favorite sound.

He was still thinking about it when Damon the vampire made his requisite appearance in the liquor, stepping up to the chair Kai was occupying with a slight bewildered expression.

"Rough day, huh, Damon?" Kai greeted. When Damon said nothing, staring back blankly. Kai continued: "Sorry, manners. I'm Kai. Nice to meet you." Kai held his bag out, offering. "Pork Rind?" He shook it while waiting for Damon to speak, just one word, he would take any word at this point. But Damon just stared until his dark brows drew together.

Growing bored, Kai started rocking the chair and resumed munching.

"That is going to have to stop." Finally, a sentence.

"Oh, you think this is annoying," Kai countered. "Hmm, try listening to you and Bonnie bicker every five minutes." He drove home his point with a loud crunch.

"So you've been following us?"

"Of course I have. You two are the closest thing I have to a T.V. I mean you're no Baywatch, but-" Kai interrupted himself, his tone taking on a sense of nostalgia, "Remember Baywatch?"

"No, I do not." Damon said shortly.

"Oo, oh man, you gotta watch it. You like lifeguards, like hot ones?" Kai asked while waggling his eyebrows. Kai figured this would push Damon over the edge, and he was right.

"This has been a monumentally bad day in a sea of bad days so I'm gonna need to know who you are, what you're doing here, and how it relates to me. Or I'm gonna rip your throat out." Damon snapped.

Kai took on a mock sympathetic tone with his next words, "That temper's gonna get you in trouble, Damon. It's already driven Bonnie away how many times? Oh, wait! I know! Thirteen."

"You think my temper's bad with her?" Damon asked. "I like her. You, not so much." Then he struck, using his inhuman speed to grab Kai by the collar, out of the chair, and into the air.

"Okay, okay, sorry," Kai back-tracked, his expression scared. "Seriously, I'm just kinda rusty on the face to face type human interactions."

Damon released him, with a snarl. Kai back away quickly. "Answers. Now." Damon commanded, walking back to the shelf lined with the assortment of alcohol.

"Maybe you should have a drink," Kai suggested. "It usually calms you down."

"Thanks," Damon said, giving him a dubious look.

"Then it makes you angry, then sad, then calm again. It's a weird cycle."

Damon opened a bottle of bourbon, and tipped it towards Kai sarcastically. However, Kai kept talking while Damon lifted the bottle to his lips. "And look, if you really want to know the reason I'm following you, it's because I want to kill you." Damon spit out the amber liquid in an explosive stream and fell to his knees, coughing. Kai looked out on to the scene with a wide grin and chuckled. Damon was completely on the floor now, his mouth irritated and red, choking up more liquid. "Vervain in your bourbon," Kai said. "Who didn't see that one coming?"

As Damon tried to get his bearings, Kai commenced a tirade, throwing out his hands and walking back to the patio furniture display. "Who buys patio furniture from a grocery store? I mean somebody must, otherwise it wouldn't be here." Grabbing an umbrella, he turned back to Damon. "Now, I'm a little unfamiliar with vampires-" Kai snapped the wooden umbrella handle over his leg, "-but from what I've gathered, a stake in the heart should do it, right?" Kai threw the handle behind himself casually and brought down the umbrella top with force. Damon had held out his hand to fend off the attack, but the jagged point pinned it to the floor. He let out a loud groan of pain. Kai twisted the umbrella slowly while Damon glared back with murderous eyes. "You always fight dirty, Damon. That time you and Bonnie played Monopoly and you stole from the bank. Not cool." Damon ripped his hand back, and stood. Kai had retreated, tipping the umbrella to rest on his shoulder.

"I'm gonna rip your head off," Damon threatened.

"No, you're not," Kai stated calmly. Damon started forward menacingly, but Kai swung his umbrella along the shelves, breaking all the bottles in the process. Glass and liquid exploded onto the floor and Damon, who fell to his knees again with a yell, being burnt. He groaned. "I didn't know which bottle you'd take so I vervained them all," Kai admitted. He raised the umbrella overhead, ready to make the killing stroke. He didn't really need him after all, though it kind of sucked that his plan wasn't working.

"Stay away from him," a new voice spoke. Scratch that, Bonnie had come. Kai was excited but he didn't let it show. He was hoping she'd live up to his expectations, especially in this situation. Kai raised his eyes to her, while Damon looked towards her hopefully.

"The useless one is here," Kai goaded. "Thank god. You know, I've tried to watch you do magic for months now. What're you going to do? Fail at me? It's embarrassing; I'm embarrassed for you." Bonnie just held Kai eyes, looking vulnerable, his words obviously getting to her, but she looked down at Damon, who was slowly healing, with a small degree of desperation.

Kai raised the umbrella again, but Bonnie looked over at the candle on the shelf adjacent. She concentrated and the candle lit on its own. A small smirk graced Damon's face. Giving a small, almost unbelieving laugh,Bonnie looked towards a worried Kai with triumph. "Uh oh," he said.

"Run," she commanded Damon, who immediately vamped out. "Phasmatos Incendia." The alcohol on the floor caught fire, surrounding Kai.

"Okay," Kai said, trying to placate, holding his hands up in surrender. He tossed the ruined umbrella aside, "Okay, okay."

"Giving up so soon?" Bonnie mocked. "I'm embarrassed for you."

Kai didn't have time to react to her words, before Damon was knocking him over the head with the umbrella handle and with enough force to send him flying into lawn chairs.

"Sorry I called you the most annoying person in the world," Damon said to Bonnie. "I hadn't met him yet."

The strangers emerged from the grocery store just ten minutes after Skye had witnessed the girl go in again. However, this time they held an unconscious Kai between them-the girl supporting his arms while the man held his legs. She chuckled to herself. If they could handle Kai, maybe, they could actually be of help to her. At least that's what she hoped.

The strangers loaded Kai into the back seat of a powder blue Camaro and got in, pulling out of the parking lot moments later. Skye quickly grabbed the bat and dashed out of the door. Running up to the sidewalk, she craned her neck up the street. They were going straight, and she started to trail after the car, with the intention to trace its path.

Kai awoke in a chair, already annoyed with the throbbing of his head. He opened his eyes, and stretched his neck. He knew he was back at the massive, overly brown house. What they called the Salvatore boarding house, the headquarters of Damon and Bonnie all these months. He looked over to his left, seeing Damon standing in front of roaring fireplace with a bag of pork rinds in one hand and a fire poker in the other.

"You're awake," Damon stated the obvious while Kai flexed his bound hands. "Good, now for the Q&A portion of the evening."

"Let me guess," Kai said. "I answer right, I get a pork rind. Wrong, I get a poker."

Damon glanced down at the bag. "What? No, no, no." He hid the bag behind his back. "These are for me, you just get the poker." He prodded Kai's chest with the poker.

"Yeah, you don't have to do that," Kai reasoned.

"No?" Damon asked, hitting it against Kai's shoulder.

"We're on the same team," Kai said, his face serious as the poker sailed over his head to his other shoulder.

"Really?" Bonnie broke in, stepping closer to him. "Do you always try and kill your teammates?"

Kai ignored her question. "The important thing is that you have your magic back. It worked." Bonnie and Damon traded doubtful glances. "You didn't- You didn't really think I'd kill Damon, did you?" The witch's and the vampire's expressions assured him that they really believed the idea.

Laughing incredulously, Kai asked, "In what universe does that make sense? I wouldn't kill one-fourth of our population. I'm not a monster." The two idiots just stared back at him, waiting for his rationale. They hadn't even noticed his little slip of the tongue, though Damon had raised one of his fascinatingly expressive eyebrows. Or if they both had caught it, they weren't concerned with it. Not that there was anything to fear from Skyler, except excessive crying.

Deciding to square with them, he explained himself. "I knew Bonnie would show up. She always comes back. All thirteen times. And I knew with the right motivation, she'd be able to access her magic." Now, they were getting it. But he wanted to make them uncomfortable, so he continued. "Although I did get a little worried with all your bickering that Damon's life wouldn't be enough motivation. But turns out, it was. I guess that's just how you two show your love."

"So you did all that just to make sure I'd have my magic?" Bonnie asked skeptically.

"Of course I did," Kai said, like it should make all the sense in the world. "Because your magic is the key to getting the hell out of here."

This information settled over the both of them heavily for a moment, before Damon spoke up, an eyebrow raised. "Wait a minute, you said one-fourth earlier. One-fourth of the population." Damon leveled the poker at Kai's throat. "Either you're really bad at math, or there's something else you're not telling us." Kai just started back steadily, a smirk across his face.

That's when the three sharp knocks sounded at the front door.

"There she is," Kai said fondly, her timing was always impeccable.

"She?" Damon questioned, already vamp speeding to the door. Bonnie followed him at a more human pace, curiosity written over her face.

"Thanks for tying me up, guys. I just love bondage," Kai said to the empty room.

In the foyer, Damon opened the wooden door to reveal a tall, averagely built girl with blonde hair and an heart-shaped face, dressed casually, a baseball bat dangling at her side. She looked nervous, and gripped the bat tightly.

"Hi," she said simply.

"Took you long enough!" Kai shouted distantly.

A/N: Hi, everyone. Welcome to my new fanfiction-the first one I've had in years. I just wanted to see how I've improved as a writer, and what better way than to explore Kai, Mystic Falls's best psycho to date. I hope I keep true to his character. I fear that this chapter isn't all that interesting, (please feel free to disagree in a review) (or agree, as long as it's constructive) but I promise the next chapter will be better.

P.S. The title comes from Raleigh Ritchie's song, "Bloodsport." It pretty much encapsulates Kai's and Skye's weird, little quasi-romantic relationship. Give it a listen if you want.