Chapter 1
Fourteenth Day of Brimir's Third Month
Today I was needlessly cruel to Professor Colbert. The kind man had simply offered to tutor me once again, but in my rage all I returned were insults and blame; words I shall regret for some time I fear. However, there was one scathing remark that I would not take back entirely. For though the insulting way in which I said it was beneath me, its objective meaning held truth. I said that he and all the teachers at Tristain had failed to teach me magic. A few days ago I failed to even summon a familiar. Two years at this school and every cantrip, spell, and ritual I perform still results in nothing more than an explosion.
I am now left with a choice. Repeat my second year at the academy or "postpone my education." Of course they couldn't say quit, what kind of noble quit? Even as I write my mouth is filled with distaste. Nobles shouldn't use clever wordplay to shirk their responsibilities. I for one shall never fall into that mire of grandstanding about honor and dignity. I shall always act with honor for the sake of honor. Nothing less would befit a Valliere. As such I shall leave this school. No, not to quit; but to study my magic myself.
From the tutors my parents hired, to the classes at the academy, to every private session with this professor or that one; none had helped in the slightest. When I decried Proffessor Colbert and all the academy for failing me, I realized I had struck at the heart of the matter. No one could teach me how to use my magic. It is a field foreign to every expert in the kingdom. So, I will go home and I will teach myself. Call me a hedge mage behind my back, but I will bring my magic to heel.
It is for the sake of my research that I have begun this journal. As much as I detest Kirche Zerbst, her rantings of passionate fire are not wrong. The emotional state of a mage is undeniably linked to their magic. Thus, I shall record my thoughts and feelings before moving on to experimentation with my magic. With that said, I have work to do.
Recurring Experiments:
Unless otherwise noted I will conduct these experiments at a range of 30' for safety.
Experiment 1: Largest Explosion
Result: Though I am unsure how to go about adjusting the size of these spell failures I have decided to try never the less. Largest crater size was 15' 3"across created under forced emotional stress by thinking of Kirche Zerbst. Founder damn that woman.
Experiment 2: Smallest Explosion
Result: Smallest Crater size was 10' 1" across created with a neutral state mind. Hardly a difference, but there is variance. That much is hope.
Experiment 3: Furthest Explosion
Result: Furthest center of crater from wand tip was 53' 11" created with a neutral state of mind. It should be noted I created a crater whose edge reached further under an angered state of mind, if only because the crater itself was larger.
Experiment 4: Highest Explosion
Result: I was reprimanded for using the side of the school tower as an improvised measuring device. However, before I was caught I managed to determine that my vertical range is equal to my horizontal range. In the future I shall combine the two tests. As a last note, if my "failure" magic can put that many cracks in the side of the tower then they needed to redo the enchantments anyway.
Experiment 5:Accuracy Test
Result: After the last detention of my schooling here, I engaged this test further away from the annoyed teachers. 7 out of 26 spells created craters that overlapped the designated target. 4 out of those seen were created under a stubborn mindset due to receiving detention for learning in a school.
Unique Test: Subterranean Explosion
Result: At max range downward I could feel the earth beneath me shudder slightly. Casting a spell at roughly just bellow the surface was a frightening experience. Earth was tossed to the heavens in a far grander explosion than I had expected. Crater width was 25' 3". Far greater than even my largest previous attempt. After taking me to the healer Professor Colbert explained the reason for this was likely not magic in the earth as I had initially hypothesized; rather, explosive force was magnified in contained locations. Similar to some mundane device he is experimenting with.
Sixteenth Day of Brimir's Third Month
To any future scribe making a copy of this journal, please forgive this sloppy penmanship. My arm is still weak from its break two days ago and I am tired from travel. Yet this cannot wait. I must note I failed to apologize to the Professor before leaving the academy. The man has been nothing but kind to me. even after I injured myself experimenting and he carried me to the healer I failed to apologize. Even after he offered to share correspondence with me as one researcher to another I could not bring myself to say the words I knew I should. Damn my stubbornness.
Currently I am at the Nymph's Rest Inn. My usual stop on my journey home from the academy. Though I expect this may be my last stop here. Though I will not miss the trepidation of meeting mother, I will miss the Inn's warm hearth and kind owner Reginald. Reggie, as he prefers to be called to spite his ever increasing age, treats me without the fear most commoners give nobles nor the disrespect some fools replace it with. Of course the inn rests within Valliere lands. I suppose I should give some credit to my father. Though he lacks the flashy adventuring stories of my mother, his management of his lands is second to none.
Recurring Experiments:
Experiment 1: Largest Explosion
Result: 9' 10" created with a regretful mind. I should note that once removed from the Inn's calming atmosphere my mind inevitably drifts back to the Professor. Rather than blame him for this ridiculous variance in crater width I have decided that my magic is spiting me for daring to control it. It is an easier target to blame.
My experiments stopped early for today as I am dreadfully weary from my travels. Willpower exhaustion is not just some tale to keep children from playing with magic. I would rather not burn myself out just as I started to learn.
Seventeenth Day of Brimir's Third Month
Once again I must ask the pardon of a possible future scribe. My poor penmanship is not caused by weariness this day. No, today I met with my parents. I have never seen my mother mad before. Not stern. Not disappointed. Mad.
Regardless of what I said, she did not believe I had resolved to teach myself. Rather, she said I was fooling myself in my usual stubbornness so I didn't have to face the fact I had given up. The frightful thing is, she might be right. Just last night I had given up after one experiment. Is my will so soft a few days of work is all it can muster? No. I write this with quill clenched so tight my knuckles are pearl white. If there is one thing I can be proud of, it is that I am far too stubborn to give up.
Recurring Experiments:
Experiment 1: Largest Explosion
Result: 15' 5" created with a stubborn mindset. Not sure if the larger width is progress simply variance.
Experiment 2: Smallest Explosion
Result: 10' 7" created with a stubborn mindset. Though this points to variance in the above experiment, I shall withhold judgment.
Experiment 3: Furthest Explosion
Result: Over 90' created with a stubborn mindset. The crater appeared within the forest near my family's estate, making measuring difficult. Why my max range is suddenly so much greater is perplexing. Is stubbornness the best emotional state to be in for range? After my initial excitement I have not been able to produce a stubborn mindset nor an explosion beyond 50'. I shall make a note to cast a spell next time I am feeling stubborn, provided the circumstances allow for it.
Experiment 4: Accuracy Test
Result: 1 in 20 craters overlapped the intended target, all created under an excited mindset. If stubbornness is a boon for range, excitement is surely a bane for accuracy. Still, my heart is not floundering.
Unique Test: Inter-tree Explosion
Result: In the spirit of testing Professor Colbert's hypothesis on subterranean explosions, I attempted to create an explosion within a tree stump. Resulting crater size was 20' 3". Possible affecting factors are less material to pack in the explosion to the fact that the explosion's origin, the center of the explosion was above ground, or that it took 17 attempts to accurately hit the stump.
Note: In my frustration I approached closer than was safe to gain accuracy. There is a shard of wood stuck half a foot deep in nearby tree. In the future I shall remember safety first.
As is becoming my custom I shall apologize for this poor penmanship. This time my hand shakes not from exhaustion nor from anxiety. No, now I tremble with excitement. Mother was watching me. Truly I had not intended to put on a show for her, but she watched regardless. Tired and drained, I was resting against a tree when she approached with all the stealth of a spirit. Without word she took my journal, read it, and returned it to me. "Three Months." Her words were neutral and succinct. If I did not shirk my training for three months, she would accept she was wrong. She said if I held my resolve for three months, she would apologize to me. Apologize! Mother! Does she even know how? Note: never let her read this again without blotting that out.
So dear future scribe, I promise to you we will both get that apology.
Eighteenth Day of Brimir's Third Month
Today my heart is conflicted. Though my parents' opinion of me has vastly improved from yesterday, they still summoned me to talk about my future. Regardless of my resolve to teach myself, I am still out of education now and I have to make a choice. Do I marry Viscount Wardes? With no commitments and of proper age it falls within etiquette that we make good on my engagement to the Viscount. To delay for any length of time would be a slight worse than even outright canceling the engagement. Tis one thing to renege on a deal, but another to not even regard the opposite party.
Now, future scribe, I mull over this proposal as if I have a choice not out of foolish fancy, but because I actually do have a choice. Though most women my age have little say in their arranged matches, my father is very direct in telling my suitors I get the final say. This is not out of doting, no he made that very clear. The choice is so I understand I am choosing to fulfill a responsibility to the family. Rather than a bartering piece to be used, I am a member of the Valliere household and I have a part to play in that team no matter the size. I can choose my own wishes over the needs of the family, but will know I am putting myself first and my family second. Also, I imagine there is some doting in my father's rule. Just some.
Viscount Wardes is the match that comes back to. To put it bluntly, as a Viscount he is below my social station. However, the failings of my magic are widely known if not spoken and now that I have left the school I am sure that bit of gossip will spread all the more. Such a blemish means I have to marry below my station or not at all. Viscount Wardes is the family's way out. Though of low station, he is a minor hero with several accomplishments of renown. He served under my father's command for a time and has since risen to command the Griffon Knights. Rewarding a prized pupil with your youngest daughter is not terribly uncommon, and far better at saving face than quietly marrying me off to some match without fanfare.
Beyond all the social boons Wardes brings with him, the truth is he is a kind and good man. Growing up he was soft to me when I was sad, wise when I was confused, and encouraging when I depressed. I love him; this much I know. However, do I love him as a woman loves a man? He is handsome and dashing, but I am unsure of my heart.
Though I write in an intricate dance to avoid the subject, I knew my answer before I even put quill to paper. Viscount Wardes is a far better man than most. I could court with a hundred more suitors and find no man as good as he. The match is perfect socially, and I would do right by the Valliere name to marry him. Even ignoring all else, I agreed to the proposal long ago. Even though I was young I still gave my word, and I never go back on my word.
I will marry Viscount Wardes.
Recurring Experiments:
Experiment 1: Largest Explosion
Result: 16' 2" created with a frustrated mindset. After failing to exceed 15' I grew frustrated and reached a new width.
Experiment 2: Smallest Explosion
Result: 5' 3" created with a amorous mindset. I was thinking fondly of my time spent with Wardes when I managed such a beautifully pitiful explosion. Odd that love seems to weaken my power. Will test in the future.
Experiment 3: Furthest Explosion
Result: Back to 50' range. Mostly confused and intrigued mindsets. Further testing needed.
Experiment 4: Accuracy Test
Result: 10 in 20 craters overlapped the intended target, most created with intrigued mindset.
Unique Test: Effect on Wind
Result: With Mother's help I created explosions within what she calls 'Heavy Air,' a component to her famous spell that creates thick, magic infused air. The idea was to test and see how my magic interacted with her wind element. In her words she felt absolutely nothing, as if my explosions were a mundane force rather than wind or fire magic, both of which were very easy for her to feel. That still leaves earth, water, or some other excuse for a magic element.
As a note, it was nice practicing with mother. I've never really felt comfortable with her. This feeling was new.