CHEMICALS KEEPING US TOGETHER
AN: This story is a sequel to my story 'How the Mighty Fall in Love', which was a romance between Levi and my OC Lena. There are a few other OC that are back too. This is a modern world reincarnation story, with flashbacks and links to the previous story (but that doesn't mean you have to have read it).
The First Gloria
LEVI- Prologue
I feel like I've died. I'm not really here, staring through another body's eyes into a grey, grey world. I pick up the pen again and begin writing, counting, writing, counting... It's my job- I have to do it. I chose to do this. But every day a part of me dulls and prepares to die at this desk. Nothing happens in this world. The only competition is the fight to keep your job or earn more; the only thrill that is supposed to exist here is 'love'. Something like that is even more tedious than working.
DING.
Speaking of love. I check the screen and my girlfriend has text me again. It must be the third time in the last hour and I haven't replied to any of them. I briefly read the screen- What time are you coming home tonight, darling?xx
Home.
She had moved in like she belonged there. My apartment is no longer 'mine'. It is 'ours'. I don't like that. It is my space- so clean and tidy until she came in and moved her belongings beside mine. I can't even reach into the cupboard for shaving cream without pulling out a can of hairspray. My regular, boring life has been disrupted. Then again, I allowed her to disrupt it.
Sighing, I begin to type surreptitiously under my desk. The sprag of the workplace opposite me glares over her laptop screen to check why I'm not working. I press send and go back to writing.
I'll be late. Don't wait up for me.
Though I haven't even thought of returning home, I guess the answer is already in my head. Yet again, I will leave work as soon as possible and spend the evening walking home, avoiding every short cut I go past. Then, I'll stand outside my apartment for a few seconds, gauging if I'm ready to go home. After that, I'll text Hanji and ask if she wants to go out for a drink. Though, recently, I've been asking her so often she might even say no for once.
Every day is so frustratingly black and white. There is no past for me- my past is my present. It is just another day where I'll die just that little bit more. Just another dragging moment of the same old, same old. I'm a lost cause; a soul wandering along hoping for change and doing nothing to initiate it.
I'm a lost cause.
I'm lost.
…
The clock struck 5:30pm and I was out of my seat before anyone had a chance to stop me. I collected my stuff and jammed folders into my bag, uncaring what state they'd be in when I dragged them out the next morning. A few people smiled or waved at me as I left; most just ignored me, as I ignored them. I kept as little contact as possible with the people in my workplace, aiming to forget work the moment I left the building. Obviously, that meant I gained a lot of enemies and sharp comments. But of course, this didn't bother me.
Are you out of work now, darling?xx
God, even her texts were the same. I decided to ignore it again; I hated having her on my case constantly. She'd ask me tonight why I hadn't replied and I would just state that I was busy. Then, once again, she'd drop the subject. Because she was like that.
She was kind- ridiculously so. She was the complete opposite of me. A bright, friendly girl who was strong and enjoyed living. She loved her job and worked harder than anybody, even taking work home to finish. Petra was beautiful. Her eyes were caring and soft, yet had a determined edge that complimented her strong personality. How on earth she had fallen in love with someone like me, I had no idea. One thing was certain though- she'd soon fall out of love. No one had ever stayed by my side for long, though this was my longest relationship. Hanji had once told me-
"Your personality draws plenty of girls to you. You seem like the mysterious, sexy and cool type. Then people get close to you and find a bomb waiting to explode. They realise nothing on the outside was a cover. You're so crystal clear to the world, yet people assume you're hiding your kind self beneath a barrier. There is a barrier there, but it's different from what they expected." That was after a few drinks on her part, of course.
She then compared me to one of her studies into wild silver-back gorillas, which was no different from her usual ramblings. When you're with Hanji, you learn to switch off. She says something worthwhile, but only 50% of the time. After that she covers it up with nonsense. She was my best friend- someone who had stayed with me. She was a rare breed, though sometimes I suspected she thought of me like another one of her animal studies. She said that my behaviour was identical to that of a black jaguar. From the way that she diagnosed and explained everything I did in terms of silver-backs and jaguars, then I was probably simply a strange creature she loved to study.
That didn't bother me.
I walked past the bus stop again. I had a car which I could easily drive to work, but I always used the excuse that I was saving money and the environment by using public transport. That was just an excuse to get out of the house early and return late. I usually walked, especially when I was busy. The more pressure I had on me to work or be a good boyfriend or whatever, the more likely I was to skive out of my problems and waste time walking.
I lived an hour or so away from work if I walked. If I took the bus, it was about half an hour. In the car, just twenty minutes. I couldn't care less about the polar bears; I didn't drive to work for my own sake. My boss had said if I was late once more, I'd receive a warning. The worst he could do was fire me, but actually, that could be the best thing he could do. The type of scenario I was imagining was getting fired, not being able to find a job, can't afford the apartment bills, Petra leaves me and I go back to how I was before: a single man without burdens in an apartment of his own. The problem was, I didn't want Petra to leave me. Not really.
In some ways, she was the best thing that could have happened to me. I'd gone downhill very quickly. I'd lost my last job from kicking the shit out of a guy; I won't go into details. I rejected jobs, rather than them rejecting me. I didn't want to go back to work. Work didn't suit me. Sitting behind a desk and talking to people didn't suit me. I wanted to be independent. The most excitement I got from my life back then was going to the gym or for a run. Hopefully, I'd bump into a drunk or drug addict on the subway who'd start a fight. They were the best. They didn't go crying to your boss if you left them in a heap on the floor.
At one point, I even considered joining the army. Adverts on the television- 'it's a state of mind' – encouraged me to break free from a boring desk job. I even went to the careers office numerous times... only to turn away from the door. Thoughts about having to work in a team and rely on others bothered me. Joining up could be the perfect remedy for me; I still don't understand why I can't enter that room. Something deterred me from wearing a uniform. Seeing the crisp, ironed material and polished boots... reminded me of something I couldn't place. An emotion that felt like fear (but couldn't be) would always arise. Like I'd lost something important.
Petra had come along and taken me out of my apartment, like a dog that needed walking. She'd tried to heal every problem in my life, forcing me to take a job interview and of course, with my grades I got the first one I applied for. Eventually, she'd asked me out and since I didn't want her to leave me, I said yes. We dated. We kissed. She asked if she could move in- I said yes. On the outside, it looked like everything was going well. In reality, I cared for her no more now that I had done before we dated. It felt like something was missing; that was probably my fault.
I loosened the tie on my neck and unbuttoned the top of my shirt, letting cool air flood my chest. I took a detour through the worst part of town; children ran through the streets despite how the winter darkness had already begun to creep in. Gangs of lads lurched on street corners drinking or smoking (or both). Smashed glass littered the path and dogs leapt at fences as I passed. I prayed for some action to occur. Someone, please, bring some crimson into this monotonous, bleak, grey world.
I reached our apartment with no trouble, as usual. It was 18:30 but I still wasn't ready to go inside. My hand twisted the keys in my pocket; what excuse could I use to go out tonight?
"Ah!" Someone spoke from behind me. "You're home, Levi!"
"Yeah." I said, partially turning to see Petra holding two carrier bags of shopping. "Clothes shopping?"
"No, food. We had ran out of cereal and milk."
"Oh."
"Are you going in then?" She asked, smiling as though I was some child in a day-dream.
"Actually, I think I'm going out-"
"Again?" She interrupted, her smile fading. "People will start to think you have a drinking addiction, Levi."
"People can think I've got an addiction to rainbow coloured underwear for all I give two shits."
"But darling," she almost pouted, using her fluttering eye lashes on me. "Can't you stay in with me tonight?"
"I'll see you when I get back."
"I'm not generally awake at 2am." Petra snorted. She sighed, dropping the carrier bags and getting her own keys out. I let her step in front of me to open the door. I followed her inside wearily, trying to escape as soon as possible. She placed the bags on the side and slapped her hand on her hips, confronting me. "We need to talk, Levi."
"Do we?"
"Clearly. Since you can't see a problem."
"I've got to see Hanji at some point in my life."
"That's not the issue. I don't mind you seeing Hanji- you know that."
"Then what's your problem?" I grunted, shutting the door reluctantly and slipping off my jacket.
"You leave the house at 5am. You work all day and don't text me. You walk home for as long as possible and then go back out drinking or getting into fights until 2am. Then you repeat the same thing, pretending that I don't know what you're thinking." I stayed quiet, refusing to get into an argument. Instead, I kicked off my shoes and slouched into the sofa. "Levi, you behave like a teenager at school."
"Great, I'm being patronised." I huffed, swinging my feet up onto the sofa so that I was laid across it, being careful not to let my socks touch the arm. I heard her bang around the room, hanging her coat up and putting away shopping as loudly as possible. Shit, she was angry for once.
"I'm just saying! This isn't a relationship! You're not even looking after yourself, never mind me!"
"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked bluntly. She went silent. Shit, maybe she was.
"How can you ask that so recklessly?" She said, her voice hushed and dangerous. "Do you even care if we're together?!"
Probably the worst mistake I made then was staying silent. I knew that I wasn't capable of showering her with compliments, so I said nothing. That probably hurt her more.
"How about we do break up then?" She asked. I sat bolt upright and twisted to stare at her. I wanted her to stay- I did. I needed her. Without her, I'd probably collapse back into darkness again.
"Petra, I-!"
"It's okay." Petra interrupted. "I don't want to break up. I just wanted to see your reaction, I'm sorry."
"... You're not leaving?"
"No," she smiled, tears glittering in her eyes. "I know you're having trouble with work. I shouldn't have made you take that job. I feel like I've caged a lion and sedated it into being docile. It's not right."
"Not another person comparing me to an animal." I huffed. She laughed gently and crossed the carpet to me.
"We'll look for another job, okay? Something that suits you more."
"And that will solve everything?" I hadn't meant to sound sceptical, but thankfully she didn't take offence.
"I believe it will. You'll be happier, won't you?"
"Of course. I can't stand that shit hole."
She leaned over me and kissed my forehead. "I'm not a school kid." I snorted. She smiled and kissed my lips gently, but before she could move away I deepened the kiss and pulled her into me.
Maybe things were about to change for the better.
…
This optimism hadn't lasted long. By the next morning, I wasn't prepared for another day of monotony. I rolled out of bed and yanked on my clothes, gulping coffee and slipping on my shoes. Petra was still asleep when I left the house.
The day dragged like a sloth trying to migrate from one tree to another. Every hour crawled by. I hadn't finished the work I was supposed to have done by dinner, so I couldn't even leave the building for a lunch break. I was cooped in a building hotter than a greenhouse with a bunch of chattering idiots. I knew that nothing could change; even if I did get a new job, it'd just be some other desk in some other building. I should really join the army, but-
I flashed out of reality. Suddenly, I was fighting. Furiously slashing at something. Something huge. Something smiling grotesquely at me as I chopped it into pieces. I soared and fell and sliced and rose. Vermilion splashes followed my blades as they carved chunks out of my prey, before evaporating into a cloud of steam. I looked towards the ground and saw someone. Her face was familiar-
Gone.
I stared at the wall in front of me, gathering my sanity back. These... dreams has been sending me into momentary inertia, succumbing to a maddening sense of twisted nostalgia. Then, they'd vanish faster than they had appeared. The face I had seen became blurred and I could no longer imagine it as vividly as I had before.
I must be going insane. It must be stress.
These moments had occurred in me since childhood. My first one had been when I was about 14: something about being a thug and my comrades under the earth... Of course, I thought I was going mad. I still think that. Recently, they've been coming more frequently, taking over my body. Over the last few years I had experienced them almost monthly. Each time it'd be slightly different imaginings. But always, always... I was fighting something terrifying. Giant beings storming settlements along with surreptitious plots...
I should see a psychiatrist.
Back to the real world- any job I could possibly apply for would just be another day at another desk with the same, menial task to complete. I'd still return home to Petra's stories of her 'wonderful job' and I'd still have the feeling in my stomach that I was missing something. A heaviness in my chest would always exist and a vacancy in my brain; thoughts of a past that sent me crazy every time I recalled it.
"Enjoying that coffee I made you?" Someone said, snapping me out of my thoughts. My eyes met the woman's, then drifted to the cold coffee which sat in my hand. I hadn't so much as thought about drinking it, despite how my hand was cupped around the icy pot. I looked up again and she rolled her heavily made-up eyes, which looked like an effort considering the amount of mascara and eye shadow she was wearing.
"Yeah, thanks." I muttered, for lack of anything else to say.
"How about I make you a fresh one?" She smirked, leaning forward to take the cup.
"No, just leave it."
"Or, we could go out after work and get one?" What was her name again? She sat a few seats away from me in the office and often made me a drink (even when I didn't ask for one). Her most redeeming (and exposed) features were sat on her chest: one was obvious and the other was the expensive looking jewellery slung around her neck. My eyes avoided both like the plague, even when she forced them into my eye line. I'd rather cut my eyeballs out to be honest.
"I'm good." I brushed her off and went back to work. She knelt at my desk, attempting to show off her 'gifts' again. By accident, I noticed her name tag- 'Luann'.
"You're always so distant." Luann pouted. "I want to get to know you."
"Well unfortunately, I'm busy."
"When are you busy? We'll find a time when you're free."
"I'm busy as long as you're free."
"Then I'll sacrifice my timetable for you."
"And I'll still be busy."
"Meanie." She pouted childishly. I hadn't the patience to be hit on at the best of times and whilst I was at work, this patience was about as long as my fingernails.
"Luann!" Someone called. "You've got a text. Your phone's buzzing."
"Coming." She said back as I sighed internally with relief. "I'll see you later."
"Hopefully not." I said... In my head anyway.
Tick tock. Five o'clock. Thank fuck.
"I've finished for today. I'm off early." I dropped the documents on my manager's desk. He flicked through them briefly and then nodded.
"Wait, Levi." I stopped dead and groaned internally. "You've been really quiet recently... are you okay?"
"Fine."
"If there's anything I can do to help-"
"I'm fine." I repeated, grouchily.
"If you're sure?" The manager asked, rather than stated. I was out of the door before he could indulge in cliché terms such as 'I'm here for you if you need to talk'. Well, okay, hey. Let's talk about firing me. Please.
It wasn't long before I was walking down the usual busy high-street, cursing every person who bumped my shoulder or got in my way. I was in a foul mood; Petra wasn't going to help. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I ignored it again. I knew who it'd be and that I'd probably smash my phone if it was asking 'Are you out of work now?'.
The sky was gloomy and dark. Every time I left for work in the morning, it'd be barely light. Every time I returned home, it'd be just dark. It was like the sun was avoiding me and everyday I was beginning to feel colder, missing it's light. Someone rushed past me and we clanked shoulders- hard. I span around at the same time as him, a teenage lad with piercings littering his face like staples, and he spat in my direction.
"Watch it, old man."
"Oi." I growled low in my throat. We were blocking the traffic of people but I didn't care. "Watch how you talk, shit-head."
"I'll talk how I fucking like."
"And I'll walk where I fuckin please."
"Are you startin'?"
"What of it?"
"Alex," A girl pulled on his arm. "Let's go." The boy gave me the hardest glare he could muster, before leaving without muttering another word. Great, a teenage boy was more mature than I was.
I felt empty.
Lost.
Oh God, please save me from myself.
A flash of brown hair caught my attention and sparked a fire in my forehead. I squinted under the sudden headache and saw a woman of around 20 on the other side of the street. She hadn't noticed me- there was no reason for her to. Her eyes were familiar, no matter how far away she was. Someone apologised to her as they bumped shoulders, like I had done seconds earlier. Gingerly, the girl rubbed her neck with her right hand and suddenly I was running.
"Hey you!"
My whole body was on fire with some sort of nostalgia, forcing me to run towards her and escape the flames. Images flashes in my head, pounding, pounding and roaring at me, interfering with reality so that I didn't see the car coming as I crossed the road-
"LEVI!"
I was literally dragged back into reality by Hanji, who grasped my coat tightly and yanked me onto the path. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" She panted. I struggled to sit up and looked around desperately, but she was gone.
"Do you even know how to play?"
"Why?"
"There's a pair right there and you haven't called snap."
"Oh!"
"Oi brat! That hurt! Your reactions are terrible."
"It's the alcohol."
"Hanji... Am I going mad?"
"Huh?!" Hanji looked utterly confused- an expression which didn't suit her.
"I see things, remember things that haven't happened and... Lena."
"Who?" Her frown deepened and the creases on her forehead became more pronounced.
"I think she's Lena..."
"Come on, let's get you home. My car's around the corner."
"How did you find me?" I asked, trying to compose myself as she helped me to my feet.
"I was texting you non-stop yet you just kept ignoring me."
"I thought you were Petra." I sighed.
"I figured. Anyway, I waited for you outside work and here we are. Now what's this about going mad?"
"It doesn't matter." I shrugged. "I've not had enough to drink."
"Ahh, okay." Hanji was doubtful but didn't say anything more. "Anyway, wasn't that close?! Jeez, you had my heart going."
"PHEW! That was close!"
"Tell no one of this, shitty-glasses."
"Say, Levi. Do you hate me?... No, Hanji! I understand the act you put up needed to be believable- UGH!"
"Leeeeviii...?" Hanji called as she opened the passenger door of her car for me to get in. I kneaded my forehead and groaned.
"Not you too..."
"Not me what?" She got in the front seat and shut the door. I followed and lolled forward in my seat.
"Hanji... Do you believe in reincarnation?"
…
AN:
Hope you liked your taster chapter!