The sound of a bottle breaking against hard wood wakes me up from my deep sleep and I jerk forward a little in surprise. I groan because I know my parents are fighting and I can't even imagine the glass shattering sound was just a simple accident by clumsy hands, that would be complete wishful thinking. They fight every night - knowing this i'll just have to pull on my parka and leave through the window so I can evade the never ending cycle of hate.

I do. And it's cold outside, so cold and my parka is so worn down that even the once bulky fluff is now reduced to a flat thin covering.

I pull out a cigarette, light it up, and inhale, the burning in my lungs lights up a fire inside of me and I can't help but let out a delighted sigh. I start walking down the sidewalk at a somewhat brisk pace. I don't honestly know where my feet are taking me, i'm disinterested in the surroundings that I pass. I'm just glad I was able to avoid the chaos of my home.

Before I even register why I had stopped, I look up and notice i'm standing in front of Stan's house and now it makes sense. This happens every time I go out walking in the midst of the night. My thoughts are the true overlords of my body - I know they are because there are so many more appealing things that I could be doing instead of reverting to the memories of my past encounters with the boys in this town.

I notice the car in the driveway is gone which means Stan's parents are probably away for the night. I think he's alone but my eyes drift up and I notice the attic light is aglow - I have to smirk at nothing because no one is around to see or know i'm even doing it. Kyle's up there with him. But that isn't why the memories have returned and I don't understand why this keeps happening.

And even before I can try and comprehend why i'm back here, the memories start flooding my mind.

Stan.

Stan was the very first boy I ever fooled around with in South Park. He was curious as hell and I wasn't about to pass up a golden opportunity like that. I took him back to my house one night - my parents weren't home and Karen and Kevin knew they weren't allowed in my room, no matter what noises they heard. We couldn't really do much that night, Stan refused to let me take him from behind. I accepted that but something in my gut refused to allow me to give myself to him as well.

Instead, I taught him how to give head. Stan had a sinners mouth and if it wasn't for him swearing to me that he'd never done it before I would have called his bluff. Unfortunately Stan's jaw started to get tired so he had to jerk me in order to finish me off. He rejected every kiss I tried to offer him that night.

We decided to keep the whole ordeal a secret and it still is a secret to this very day.

I click my tongue against the roof of my mouth in satisfaction, that was a beautiful memory to recall. I glance up at the light and to my surprise I find it had vanished. They must have finished, I think to myself. Kyle was one lucky bastard.

Oh yeah, Kyle.

I remember once going up to him when he was alone and making a joke about screwing around and to my shock he accepted without saying another word. I was dumbfounded to say the least. I never would have expected someone like Kyle, with all his morals to actually go through with it. But he did. He did and once again I was faced with that gut wrenching feeling of refusal but this time the refusal was taking Kyle from behind.

I didn't understand what hell was going on with me. I never had a problem pleasing someone into submission. Especially with someone as willing as Kyle was that night. He was grinding into my lap and making little whimpering noises against my neck. I was so turned on too. I remember sucking on his lovely little nipples, turning them a dark shade of red when I was finished. We dry humped that night and just like Stan, Kyle refused my kisses.

I found out why - it was because Stan and Kyle were in love.

And I didn't know it until a month after my night with Kyle that they had both used me to gain some kind of experience for each other. I wasn't hurt, in fact it hadn't bothered me at all when I was delivered the news. I was their first. In secret and in the dark - something they both kept hidden from one another. But it will always come back to me.

I come back to the memory and i'm walking again. Heading down the street opposite from Stan's house and it feels like it's getting colder. I inhale another drag of mouthwatering fire. I don't know how I'd survive without these things and I really don't want to try and find out.

I know i'm passing by Clyde's house next, but i'm still walking on when the memory flashes in front of my face. Clyde was the one who came onto me first. I was walking home from school and he caught up to me, his face was flushed and he was panting just a little bit from the run. He was nervous and his voice was betraying him when he asked me to come over to his house for the night. I smirked because, hell yeah I wouldn't mind taking Clyde's virginity. He was a little chubby in places but he had an attractive face.

Clyde was the first boy that actually allowed me to kiss him. Which was a relief because I was beginning to think I myself was a flawed kisser from receiving so much rejection. God, he was so tight that as soon as I buried myself inside of him I almost lost it. I had to count under my breathe because it's the only thing that kept me calm and kept me from prematurely spilling myself into him. That night was all about Clyde, I promised him I was going to make it worth his time and I wasn't about to break it just because I almost tipped over the edge so early.

That night was pretty awesome - Clyde was taking it like a champ even though it was his first time. More than anything I was hoping there was going to be a next time for us. The next day I was headed to my Chemistry class and I spotted Clyde in the hallway talking with his usual group of friends - I couldn't contain the smirk that crept on my lips and my eyes followed him even when I passed. I was considering going back to him and asking if we could meet up somewhere after school for round two, but that was before I noticed Token giving me one hell of a death glare. I honestly thought I could die again from just that stare, it was icy and full of nothing but pure hate.

I knew then and there that Clyde Donovan was absolutely off limits too me.

I couldn't contain the laugh that erupted from my burning lungs and the fog from my breath blew out into the distance. No wonder I didn't stop in front of Clyde's house just moments ago, I knew better, my mind and my thoughts and memories knew better and they were keeping me safe. Safe from Token.

Ah, Token. One of the many boys that wouldn't let me even look his way, let alone touch in any manner.

Of course there are a few boys that I haven't messed with yet - Token and Tweek- but don't think I didn't try my damned hardest when it came to that little coffee addict. He was cute and shaking and honestly if he just had a good pounding I bet he'd stop shaking for awhile. Something tells me it would calm him down and even him out a little.

And the only reason I haven't laid my mark or claim on that spaz is because Craig Tucker won't even let me ask to borrow a pencil without interrogating me and flipping me off. And this was a continuous thing too. At one point I took is as a personal challenge and tried everything to get near the blonde without Craig around but it never seemed to work. It got annoying, fast.

I knew I had to knock Craig down a notch for that.

And I made sure I did it in front of a lot of people, so I waited until the night of Token's birthday party. This was before I took Clyde's virginity and before the all-embracing despise Token had for me came into play.

Craig and Tweek were standing by wall near the stairs, they were talking but it looked more like Tweek was panicking about something and Craig was trying to calm him down.

I couldn't help but have a bit of a pep in my step when I strut my way over to the two and I gave a simple smile. I tried one last time to say something to Tweek and once again Craig interrupted me for it. I glared at him and at his already sticking up middle finger and I was already sick of it. I stepped closer to him, grabbed the back of his neck and slammed our lips together in a heated kiss. His lips were thin and wet and when I slid my tongue into his mouth and traced it over his teeth and I never realized how messed up they actually were. Cartman was right when he said girls didn't like Craig because of his fucked up teeth.

I didn't mind it though and that didn't stop me from tongue fucking the hell out of his mouth - and that didn't stop him from doing it back. And that's what surprised me the most. Craig was kissing me back and he was trying to dominate me while doing so. I wasn't expecting it and I was enjoying it all the same - but I wasn't going to let him take me down. I remember Craig needing to catch his breath so he pushed me back and away from him, I was smirking like a huge idiot and that's when I finally noticed that Tweek had been staring at us the whole time.

I've felt nothing but guilt from that day on whenever I look at Tweek. Even though we weren't friends and still aren't I feel like I've betrayed him. The look on his face and the brokenness in his eyes...

Damn.

I wish that memory would have stayed hidden because now i'm feeling miserable and it doesn't help that at this moment i'm passing by Tweek Bros. The open sign is still lite and I peer through the window as I walk by and I see Craig sitting at the front counter and Tweek looks like he's cleaning up a spill. I already know he made that mess himself.

I guess I shouldn't feel that guilty about the past though. Tweek and Craig did get together after that. I'm smiling now because, yeah, I did kind of do something good even though it looked different to anyone who saw what I did.

It's okay, it's good.

I don't know how but somewhere between the walking and the memory recalling I've found my way back to my house. I'm climbing through my window again and I flop down on my bed - letting out a huge sigh in relaxation. The house is as quiet as peace and my eyelids are already drooping to a close.

My mind tries to remind me of the others but I'm too exhausted to pay attention - and even if I did I wouldn't care because they aren't as important as the ones that I've reminisced about tonight. It's like their mine even though I know they're not. Inside my head and in my memories they are. Every single one of them.

My eyes are closed and I smile to myself - tomorrow is another day and another chance to grab hold of someone else who isn't but is mine.