Woodstick Potion Raid

Mabel and Thompson sneaked up on the van of the Love God. (She had explained to him about the love potion, and the anti-love potion they needed to get).

"Love God! Sound check for Love God," called a roadie.

The Love God rolled out of the back of the van. "Let's make some miracles happen. Groupies, bed-head me."

Tyler the biker and a woman Mabel didn't know tousled the rock star's hair. He staggered away with them, saying, "The Love God's about to get crazy."

"Now's our chance," said Mabel.

They ran for the open back of the van, where a string of potion bottles had been left behind. Mabel picked them up.

"Let's see... Puppy Love, Inter-Species Love, Love of Country Music – eew. Here it is. Anti-love. To reverse effects of love potion, simply spray on your victim and watch their heart die on the inside."

"Their heart dies on the inside?" said Thompson. "Are you sure you want to use that on your brother and Robbie?"

"It must be a figure of speech," said Mabel. "Come on, lets find them."

But when they turned around, the Love God was standing behind them.

"Hey! You're the one who's been stealing my stuff," he said. "Ugh! I am not loving this."

"I'm sorry," said Mabel. "But I made a mistake and I have to fix it."

"Kid, like I told you, this stuff is way too dangerous. On my oath as a god, I cannot let you... Hey, where did they go?"

Thompson and Mabel ran between the booths. When the Love God was gaining on Mabel, she tossed the bottle to Thompson. He stumbled and nearly dropped it, but managed to hang on. They ran onto the stage of the Handlebar Brothers, then escaped by crowd-surfing the audience.

"Thank you!" Mabel called out.

"Hey, they're getting all my snacks!" said Thompson.

The Love God followed by crowd surfing too, high-fiving and giving out autographed photos as he went.

They spotted Dipper and Robbie sitting together on a hill.

"There they are," said Mabel, attaching a spray-bottle top to the anti-love potion. "One good shot to the back of the head and they'll be fixed."

The Love God flew above them on tiny wings, and landed in front of them. "You leave me no choice. Visions of heartbreak past!"

He threw down three bottles and Mabel was surrounded by the boys she had crushed on that summer: Norman, Mermando, Gabe, the Sev'ral Timez clones, the boy she gave a rigged survey to, and even the image of Alexander Hamilton from the ten-dollar bill. Thompson was surrounded likewise by several images of girls.

"You think we would fall for that?" asked Thompson.

Mabel was temporarily overwhelmed by the love potion magic in the images. "You all want me to marry you?"

Thompson called, "Mabel, it's all fake."

"Just give us the bottle, Mabel," said the false Mermando.

Mabel handed it over, and Mermando tossed it to the Love God.

"Gotcha!" said the Love God.

The illusion dissolved.

"Ugh! Curse my over-sized heart!" said Mabel.

The Love God said, "Sorry kids, but that's what happens when you mess with a god. Only a greater being from the heavens themselves could possibly stop..."

He stood frozen, as a giant flaming balloon head labeled "I EAT KIDS" descended directly towards him. Then it crashed into him, swallowing him up in its mouth. The bottle of anti-love potion rolled over to Mabel's feet.

Thompson went over once the flames were put out. "Love God? Are you okay?"

"Please be immortal. Please be immortal," said Mabel, crossing her fingers.

"Dude, I am so over this," the Love God groaned, pushing himself out from under the collapsed balloon.

There was a call for the Love God to come to the stage. He waved his arms at Mabel.

"Agh. Take it, okay? Spray everyone, for all I care. You wanna mess with people's lives? You wanna play God? Do it, 'cause I'm sick of it! Medic! I need onion rings."

"Okay, Mabel," said Thompson. "Now's your chance. Break them up and the whole group will get back together."

"You stay back," said Mabel. "I'll be more stealthy alone."

Mabel sneaked up on Dipper and Robbie, in the bushes behind them. She made just a tiny rustle.

Dipper whispered to Robbie, "I hear Mabel behind us. I've had a lifetime of training to sense when she's about to prank me."

Robbie and Dipper turned around. Mabel hid the potion bottle behind her back.

Robbie said, "Mabel, I just wanted to thank you. I've been so miserable since Wendy broke up with me. I thought my life was over. But you were right, I just needed to move on. I'm...happy? Weird, huh."

"Just a second, Mabel," said Dipper. "What's in that bottle you were about to spray on us? Black ink?"

Dipper reached behind Mabel and took the bottle. He read the label.

"To reverse... love potion... spray on your victim... watch their heart die on the inside," he muttered aloud.

"Mabel, what's this about love potion?" asked Dipper. "The truth... now."

Mabel blurted out, "I wanted Robbie to be happy so I kinda stole a potion from a real Love God and gave it to him on some fries I hoped he would share with Tambry but he got the potion on you instead and now you're in love by mistake and I want to fix it."

"What?" said Robbie. "The way I feel is because of some dumb potion that's going to wear off?"

"I wouldn't count on it wearing off," said Mabel. "It's magic, not chemical. That's why I brought you the antidote."

"But it says it would make our hearts die on the inside," said Dipper. "I don't like the sound of that. I might not be able to love anyone, even you, Mabel."

"There's probably nothing to worry about," said Mabel.

"Probably isn't good enough," said Robbie.

"The way I see it, we have three options," said Dipper. "One, we take our chances with the antidote and maybe wreck our hearts forever. Two, we stay as we are and try to make it work. Or three, we stay as we are but break up before things go any further."

"I can't take another break-up this summer," said Robbie. "With or without an antidote we'd still be miserable. I say stick together and make it work."

"I agree," said Dipper.

"I think you should break up," said Mabel.

"You don't get a vote," said Dipper.

"Stay out of this," said Robbie.

"Talk to me," said Mabel. "Tell me why you should like each other, other than the potion making you do it. I'm an objective third party."

"You're not objective," said Dipper.

"Okay, I'm not, but I'm an outside opinion. Dipper, why do you like Robbie?"

"Robbie has hidden depths," said Dipper. "Not only is he a musician, but he's an artist. You should see the manga art he drew of us."

"Dipper's got brains and guts," said Robbie. "And he really cares about people."

"I know Dipper's great," said Mabel. "What I'm worried about is how you'll treat him. You didn't treat Wendy very well. Will you lie to Dipper, or stand him up on dates?"

"I went through a lot of pain over that and I learned my lesson," said Robbie. "I was kicking myself over and over about how I lost Wendy. I won't make those mistakes again."

"What about really listening to Dipper, so you won't show up looking for him when he said he would be somewhere else?"

"I promise to listen," said Robbie.

"What about your gang of friends? This relationship is breaking them up."

"They'll learn to deal with it, eventually," said Dipper.

"Dipper, what about the mysteries of Gravity Falls? Is this relationship going to distract you, so you end up hating yourself for not solving more by the end of the summer?" Mabel asked.

"I told Robbie a little about that. He wants to help," said Dipper.

"There's something I've never told anyone... I can give you a lead into the supernatural, because I'm part of it," said Robbie.

"What do you mean?" asked Dipper.

"I'm undead," said Robbie. "That's why the convenience store ghosts let me alone."

"Whaaat!?" said Mabel. "I set my brother up with a zombie? Hold on Dipper, I'll run and find a band that can sing perfect three-part harmony and save you!"

"Hold it, I'm not a zombie," said Robbie. "I'm a draugr."

"Dragger? You drag people off and eat their brains?" asked Mabel.

"A draugr is a Norse magic type of undead. We keep our smarts and skills."

Dipper said, "To the pre-potion me, that might have been a deal breaker. As it is, I'm willing to listen. How did you become a draugr?"

"My parents are necromancers as well as undertakers. When I died suddenly about a year ago, they used Norse rune magic to bring me back. My folks are a bit evil, but they're nice about it."

"Do you eat brains?" asked Mabel.

"No, I don't eat brains. I don't have to eat at all, but if I do I can eat regular food. Like the fries, duh!"

"This is actually very cool. I thought you were just a creepy teenager, not good enough for my bro-bro. If you're creepy because you're a monster, that's a lot better," said Mabel.

"You don't mind me being undead?"

"Well, I got to date a couple of vampires, so it's only fair that my brother gets to date a zombie."

Dipper said, "You never told me what happened with the vampires. Did you break up?"

"They wanted to convert me and make me their eternal bride, but I wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Fortunately, unlike the gnomes, they were willing to take no for an answer. We had a friendly break-up."

"Good call," said Robbie, "You'd be stuck at the age you were converted. Like me. I don't age any more."

"That means I can catch up to you," said Dipper. "In three or four years we'll look the same age."

"And then you'll pass him," said Mabel. "What will you do then?"

"We'll think of something," said Dipper.

"My parents would be glad to help out and make you a draugr, too," said Robbie.

"Umm, let me think about that," said Dipper. "If we're still together in a few years... maybe."

"It's cool not to have to eat or sleep," said Robbie.

"I'm open to the possibility, but let's give it a few years." said Dipper.

"One other thing I want to check on, to see how evil a monster you are," said Mabel. "Dipper told me about a time you used hypnotic music on Wendy."

"I didn't know," said Robbie. "My parents found out I was writing a song to get Wendy back, so they offered me their 'favorite old CD case', for luck."

"It looked like a Necronomicon from 'The Evil Dead'," said Dipper.

"It was something like that," said Robbie. "I didn't know it had placed a hypnotic spell on my CD until you played it backwards."

"They tried to brainwash Wendy into loving you," said Mabel. "That's evil."

"What's the difference between that and what you tried to do to Tambry and me, what you ended up doing to Dipper and me instead?" asked Robbie.

"But my intentions were good," said Mabel. "I wanted you to be happy."

"I'm sure my parents would say the same thing," said Robbie.

"You have a point," said Mabel.

"But the blame's not on you, Robbie," said Dipper. "You didn't know, in either case."

"Okay, I'm convinced. This is so cool," said Mabel. "Welcome to the family, Dragger Robbie."

"Draugr," said Robbie.

"I don't speak Norse," said Mabel.

"Mabel, one thing you have to learn from this is better judgment," said Dipper. "Next time you have a big scheme, run it by us first, all right?"

"Well, I do have another big plan going," said Mabel. "Remember how I taped Gompers and Waddles together and we had a wedding ceremony for them?"

"How can I forget?" said Dipper.

"When I was looking through the Love God's potions today, I saw one for Inter-Species Love. What if I went and stole some while he's playing in the concert, and used it to make sure Waddles and Gompers live happily ever after?"

"No, Mabel," said Dipper. "Bad idea. First of all, they're both male animals. They're more likely to end up wanting you than each other."

"Not necessarily," said Mabel. "As you know."

"Second, what if you got some of the potion on you while you were trying to get it on them?"

"I guess... we'd end up making pigoatumans?" said Mabel.

"Something like that," said Dipper.

"Since I already got them married, I'd be a home-wrecker," said Mabel. "All right, I'll skip that idea."

"Good," said Dipper.