A/N: Here I go again with my attempt at humour. I like the idea of this but I think it's poorly executed on my part...especially with the amount of OOCness. I can't help it, Ilona's kind of hard to write. Sure she's stoic and quiet but she's a girl and us girls are complicated, right?!

Pfft. Pushing that topic aside, this was written for Valentine's Day (obviously). Oh, and just a heads up. Gideon/Mitchell is kind of implied in here. Nothing serious, though, it's all in for the humour.

Oh, and things get weird near the ending. Hehe.

"Can you fucking believe this?" Gideon grumbled, scowling at the tab in his hands. "Irons gave us seven days off just because Valentine's Day is by the end of the week? Since when was Valentine's Day so important?"

Joker sipped on his coffee calmly as Gideon re-read the email just to be sure his eyes weren't lying to him. Then, as he set his cup down, Joker smirked, "Cheer up, boss. Just think about it, the entire week off! Sit back and relax for once in a while."

"Just lying back and watching every second of the day ticking by isn't something I'm used to."

"Well, that's easy," Joker grinned. "Irons gave us the time off, for what? Valentine's Day, right? The one day everyone comes together to celebrate the one thing not even the most advanced technology can understand—love."

Gideon stared blankly. "Didn't know your hillbilly arse was capable of such a poetic, touching speech."

Ignoring the snarky comment, Joker continued, "Isn't it obvious? You can spend the time looking for a date for Valentine's, of course. Head out to the bar, to the park, to the shopping complex—dress up, look good and flirt around. Have a good time."

"Sounds like a waste to me," Gideon mumbled.

Joker raised an eyebrow. "Well, excuse me for not knowing you had your walls up high and strong."

"Watch your mouth, Joker," Gideon snapped, narrowing his eyes in a hostile manner.

"No, seriously," The edge of Joker's lips curled upwards into a smirk. "When was the last time you got laid, boss?"

Mitchell walked into the kitchen at that moment, and froze halfway through the door.

Gideon glanced at the private, and, noticing the small blush on his cheeks, sighed. "Don't ask."

Mitchell's embarrassment just seemed to increase. He scratched the back of his head and stammered, "Uhh…now doesn't seem l-like a good time so—"

"What is it?" Gideon demanded.

Hesitantly, Mitchell held up his tab. "I got an e-mail from Irons. He said he's given us—"

"—seven days off because Valentine's Day is just around the corner," Joker finished for him, taking another sip of his steaming drink.

"Oh, you guys got the e-mail, too."

"Yeah, sure did," Gideon muttered. "It's outrageous."

Mitchell said nothing, and strode to the refridgerator, placing his tab on the countertop in the process. He removed a soda and poured it into a glass.

"I told boss here to head out and look for a girl to nail," Joker told Mitchell, pointing at Gideon accusingly. Gideon groaned and hid his face in his hands, whereas Mitchell grinned, as he continued, "But no, he thinks it's a waste of time, yet he won't stop talking bullshit about how he's got a whole week of boredom ahead of him."

There were a few moments of silence as Mitchell rescrewed the cap onto the bottle and put the soda back into the fridge. As Mitchell picked his glass up, he offered, "I think I have a fun idea on how to keep this week exciting."

Joker and Gideon turned to look at him.

"I don't know if it's a wise idea, but," Mitchell took a few moments to sip on his soda. Then, he grinned, "How about we make a bet?"

"A bet?" Gideon arched a brow.

"Yeah, a really hard bet in which all three of us has only a five percent chance of winning."

Joker smirked, "Alright, you've got my interest now, rookie."

"Whoever manages to woo Ilona before Valentine's Day, wins."

Joker and Gideon sat in stunned silence for two seconds.

"Wait, 'woo' as in… 'screw' or…?" Gideon asked incredulously, his lips breaking into a surprised grin in spite of him being aware of the stupidity of the bet.

"No! Damn, Gideon, we'd never do that to her," Mitchell replied quickly, flashing a furtive glance to the door just in case anybody was listening. Then, after finding that they were safe, he explained, "I meant as in a date. Win a date with Ilona before or for Valentine's Day."

"Dude, are you crazy?" Joker laughed. "Ilona, the ex-Spetsnaz scout sniper, the female killing machine who can very literally make grown men cry? She's impossible, man!"

"Come on, she's still a woman at heart," Mitchell pointed out. "I'm pretty sure we'd fail, but it should be fun to try. What do you say?"

"I've known Ilona for many years, Mitchell," Gideon said, carefully choosing his words. "And, just like Joker said, she's impossible. I've never heard her talk about a boyfriend or a husband before, and quite honestly, I don't think she's ever been on any dates for as long as I've known her."

"We pool in fifty dollars each," Mitchell declared cheerfully, ignoring his captain. "Winner takes all, and the losers will have to do the winner's laundry for the next week. Oh, and the losers will have to take the winner out to the bar and pay for his drinks, too."

"That's a lot," Gideon raised a doubtful brow. "And what if neither of us wins?"

"Well, easy. Just pretend we never started the bet to begin with."

Joker and Gideon remained silent, contemplating the idea. Mitchell chugged the rest of his soda and looked from one to another hopefully, a smile playing across his face.

"I think it'll be fun to see how Ilona reacts to our flirting and pick-up lines. Come on, what do you say?"

Gideon narrowed his eyes at the private, whereas Joker smirked and rolled his eyes. Another minute passed by in silence.

"Fine," they finally said in unison.

Gideon smiled ironically at the bouquet of flowers in his hands. It wasn't a grand bouquet, only had about twelve stalks of flowers, and each one was handpicked by him. He definitely wasn't the best at being romantic, but he remembered how meticulous his father handpicked the best flowers to give his mother every Sunday.

Romance. The word made Gideon want to scoff. But, hey, if he won a date, he'd also win one hundred and fifty follars, free laundry for a week and a treat to the bar.

And the glory of achieving the impossible.

Gideon knew that him holding the small bouquet made him look awkward and totally unlike his character. In fact, the choice of flowers itself probably looked weird, because Gideon wasn't a fucking florist for God's sake. He just picked out random stalks of what he thought would look good, which obviously didn't by the looks of it now.

Hoping he wouldn't get caught with the poor choice of flowers in his hands, Gideon wandered around looking for Ilona. He had risked his arse, reputation and pride sneaking around the shooting range, but to no avail. He was currently walking along the porch overlooking the Atlas compound.

Gideon spotted Mitchell by the corner of the building. The private was holding something in his hands and was stealing glances at someone from where he was hiding, looking nervous and hesitant.

"Mitchell?" Gideon uttered, raising an eyebrow and smirking slightly.

Mitchell looked at Gideon, surprised, and then sighed in relief. "Oh, it's you. Damn, don't scare me like that. If you were anyone else…"

"I know the feeling, mate," Gideon waved the subject off, slightly relieved he wasn't the only one feeling stupid as hell. "So, what's that in your hands?"

"Something…" Mitchell murmured, looking down at what he was holding. It was a neat, rectangular black box with a pink ribbon, without any special markings to indicate its contents. It was then he noticed what was in Gideon's hands.

"Are those flowers?" Mitchell asked, pointing at the bouquet clutched carefully in Gideon's wrist.

The captain coughed, a bit embarrassed, especially when Mitchell's eyes widened and his lips parted into a grin. "Welp, for someone like you, I wouldn't be surprised you went with something so cliché."

"Shut it, Mitchell," Gideon hissed. "So, I saw you glancing off furtively to the sides before I approached you. Who's around the corner?"

"Ilona," Mitchell replied. "She's just standing there and I was…gathering my confidence."

Gideon risked peeking out and saw the Russian standing by the railing of the porch, staring subconsciously onto the Atlas compound.

With a smirk, Gideon turned back to Mitchell. "Alright, I'll give you the priviledge of being the first."

"Why?" Mitchell raised an eyebrow, suspicious.

"Because I know she probably won't like whatever is in that box," Gideon said, earning an annoyed glare.

Instead of coming up with a witty retort, Mitchell rolled his eyes and took a deep breath before walking up to Ilona with silent, focused steps. Though his footfalls were inaudible, Ilona noticed his approach. She turned her head slightly and gave him a nod as their eyes met.

"Hey, Ilona." Mitchell wasn't sure what to say, and he was feeling awkward already.

"Mitchell." Ilona said, her voice cold and unwavering. Her gaze returned to the compound and soldiers below. From where they were, they looked a bit like ants.

Mitchell swallowed and glanced behind his shoulder. Gideon was watching with a stupid-ass grin on his face. Rolling his eyes, and cursing underneath his breath, Mitchell turned back to Ilona.

"I brought you something."

Ilona looked at him again, not replying. Mitchell held out the small black box towards her, offering a small smile as she looked at the box, then at him.

"What is it?" Ilona asked, not taking the gift he was presenting.

"Just a little something I thought you might like," Mitchell said, casting his gaze to the side, feeling a sweat break out on his neck.

To his relief, Ilona reached out and took the box from him. Her elegant, slender fingers pulled on the baby pink ribbon and it came undone, and Mitchell watched nervously as she removed the lid from the box, which was about the size of her palm.

She raised her eyebrows when she saw the pretty pieces of chocolate arranged meticulously inside.

"Oh…" she said, looking genuinely surprised. Mitchell's lips trembled as he suppressed a smile from breaking on his face. Ilona looked up at him. "These chocolates. I know the brand. Aren't these expensive?"

"Y-Yeah, they are…" Mitchell replied slowly, the edge of his lips giving in and finally curling upwards. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he wondered whether Ilona liked expensive things and rich men.

There was about two seconds of silence, before Ilona put the lid back on the box. "Mitchell…this is really kind of you, but…" she smiled, almost apologetically, "I'm not a fan of chocolate. Really, it's…not the best of all flavours. If you asked me before buying these, you would have known I'm very fond of vanilla and strawberry."

Mitchell's stared at her, mouth slightly agape, as she took his hand and put the box back on his palm. Ilona had a very, very, small and sheepish smirk on her face.

"Whoa…whoa, you're meaning to tell me that—"

"You blew off a lot of money for nothing," Ilona finished, and Mitchell felt his face fall. She grinned a bit at his expression. "Maybe you can eat them yourself, or give them to Gideon, but not to me. It's still very considerate of you, though, so…thank you."

Gideon snickered, resisting the urge to throw his head back and laugh, at the priceless expression on Mitchell's face. Despite the hilarity of the private's situation and the chance to remain hidden and soak in the humour of it all, Gideon decided it was his turn to give Ilona his present.

Emerging from the corner of the building and keeping the bouquet hidden behind his back, he walked up and patted Mitchell on the back, sniggering as he did so. Mitchell looked up, and seeing that stupid smirk on his captain's face made his look of disbelief change into a death glare.

Ilona remained silent, her eyebrows very slightly raised into an inquisitive look, as Gideon redirected his gaze to her.

"Ilona, don't ask why, but here." Gideon said quickly, presenting the bouquet and holding it out towards her. She stared at it, her rare expression of surprise crossing her face again, and Gideon chuckled. "I know it ain't such a pretty arrangement, but I handpicked the flowers just for you."

Ilona's brown eyes met with his blue ones. He gave her his signature charming smirk and even slipped in a wink, but she caught him off guard with a straightforward, "What kind of flowers are these?"

Gideon shrugged. "Umm…daisies, chrysanthemums, chamomiles. Not a good combination, I know but—"

"Gideon!" Ilona suddenly snapped, interrupting the captain. The Brit stared at her, surprised. She looked irritated.

"What?" Gideon was utterly confused. Why would she be annoyed? He got her a bouquet of flowers for fuck's sake, what else would it take to win a woman's heart nowadays?!

His train of thoughts was interrupted when Ilona suddenly sneezed.

She covered her nose, glaring at Gideon coldly. "You've known me for years and you still forget that I'm prone to allergies?"

Gideon stared at her emptily for a few seconds. Finally the dots connected in his head and his eyes widened as realization hit him like a thunder bolt.

"Oh. Oh." Gideon slowly pulled the bouquet away from her as she sneezed again. He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

He heard Mitchell snicker from behind him.

Ilona waved her free hand, as though shooing Gideon away from her, before she sneezed again into her palm. Murmuring something in Russian, which, though neither of the men understood, were probably curse words, she walked away from the two and entered the building.

As she slid the door shut behind her, Mitchell laughed.

"Oh well, both of our gifts got rejected. At least her reaction to yours was much meaner." Mitchell grinned when Gideon turned to give him one of his infamous glowers.

The private pried the lid off the box. "Anyway, want a piece of chocolate?"

"Fuck off, Mitchell."

Gideon walked into the living room. Joker and Mitchell were on the sofa, whereas the captain caught a glimpse of someone heading into the kitchen just as he entered.

"Was that Ilona?" he asked the two men, pointing to the kitchen entrance.

"Yep," Joker nodded.

"Speaking of her, do you know what kind of fiction Ilona likes to read?" Mitchell asked, arching a brow.

Gideon frowned. "Can't say that I do. Why?"

"I was thinking of buying her an e-book or something. She seems to like reading."

Joker smirked. "I've got to admit, if this is one of your tactics to woo her, then it's actually pretty smart."

"I know," Mitchell said simply. "So, do you guys know or not? You two have known her longer than I have."

Gideon swept his gaze across the room and spotted a tab on the armchair. "Who's tab is that?"

"Ilona's," Mitchell answered. "I think she was reading something before she headed to the kitchen."

Joker chuckled and pushed himself off the sofa to pick up Ilona's tab. "Huh, the screen's unlocked," he said, fingers moving across the screen swiftly. "Aaaannd, you weren't wrong. She was reading something."

Joker handed the tab to Gideon, who had approached Joker as he was searching for Ilona's recently closed browsers.

Joker sat back down as Gideon skimmed through what Ilona was reading a few minutes ago.

After some seconds, Gideon blushed, shook his head and facepalmed. "Good lord, if this was the kind of stuff Ilona had been reading right in front of us with a straight face for all this time, then…fuck me."

Raising a brow, Joker snatched the tab from Gideon's hand and read a paragraph himself.

He frowned awkwardly, which just added to Mitchell's confusion. "Guys!" The private snapped, annoyed and curious. "What is it? What does she like to read?!"

"You're sick in the head if you'd want to buy her this kind of fiction…" Joker muttered, handing him the tab.

Mitchell's face flushed pink as he read a random paragraph.

After hearing that the fun fair was in town, Mitchell couldn't help but think of it as an opportunity.

He invited Ilona, hoping that it would be considered a date and that he'd actually win the bet, but Ilona just had to insist on bringing Gideon and Joker along, of course. Of course.

Thus, they walked down the street, past countless stalls selling foods and drinks, offering souveniers and T-shirts, and displaying attractive challenges, following Ilona who was in a good mood. The weather was fine, the atmosphere was cheery and she had gone on plenty of rides.

"Still a girl at heart…" Gideon muttered under his breath, stretching a bit until a few cracks sounded from his back. He sighed in relief and exhaustion at the same time. How long have they been here?

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beat," Joker admitted, scratching the back of his neck. "How much energy does Ilona have? I never thought she'd be one for fun fairs in the first place."

"Tell me about it," Gideon grunted.

Mitchell grinned. "Hey, I'm tired, too, but Ilona looks pretty happy. Besides, it's me who she'll thank for bringing her here, and my chances of her saying 'yes' when I ask her out for dinner might increase…"

"I don't know how you can come up with these romantic gestures before I can think of them," Gideon mumbled grouchily. "And I'm a Brit…"

"You know what you said has no connection, right?" Joker laughed.

Gideon frowned. "I thought that women believed the myth that British men are romantic."

"That doesn't apply to all women, and most definitely not to Ilona," Mitchell smirked. "It's hard to tell what she's thinking, but 'm pretty sure she thinks I'm romantic."

"Don't be full of yourself," Joker scoffed, rolling his eyes.

At that moment, Ilona, who was a few feet in front of them, stopped. She pointed to a stall, which offered a shooting game. "Hey, let's go give that a try," she prompted, smiling a bit. "One of the stuffed toys up there reminds me of the one I had back as a little girl in Russia."

The idea struck all three men at once.

"Let me win it for you," they suddenly exclaimed at the same time, to which Ilona responded with a surprised expression.

The man by the stall grinned at Ilona. "Three men offering to win the prize for you, huh? You're a lucky young woman. Anyway, one turn would be five dollars."

There were three 'guns', so each man paid his own fee and took the plastic gun into his hands. Though pulling the trigger did nothing, a small popping sound emitted in response, and the screen across from them, where the targets would pop up, had crosshairs of different colours, one for each gun.

"Avoid the blue targets, hit the red targets, and the white ones may be hard but they mean a lot of points," the man explained, smirking at Ilona who stood by the side to watch, amused. "You have a minute to get thirty points to win a stuffed animal."

All three of them were relaxed and confident that it would be easy. It was just a matter of speed, precision and a race as to who could accumulate the most scores. Finally, a small horn honked and the computer-controlled targets ran across the screen.

Targets were quickly being annihilated just as they appeared and everything was going fine, until Joker cursed.

"Dammit boss, stop stealing all my targets!"

"You're the slow one, Joker."

Joker grunted and bumped Gideon, hard enough for him to stumble to the side and hit Mitchell, which then threw the private off balance.

"Fuck!" Mitchell cursed, hand reaching out and grabbing Gideon's arm in a moment of panic, before falling to the floor. Thus, he brought the captain down with him.

Joker couldn't believe that a simple bump of his shoulder rendered the two men into a pathetic, cursing mess on the floor, and he threw his head back, laughing loudly.

With a curse, Gideon swept Joker off his feet and he crashed to the floor, too.

A bell chimed. The man behind the stall chuckled. "Oh, too bad. None of you boys managed to get thirty points."

Struggling to their feet, Gideon, Mitchell and Joker began to argue with each other, the common blame game ensuing.

They were unaware as Ilona paid five dollars to the vendor and picked up a gun. They didn't even realize as Ilona pulled the trigger twice, hitting two white targets in the process.

Before they even knew it, the bell rung thrice and Ilona was cradling a giant pink elephant in her arms.

"Come on boys, I've had enough of the fair. Let's get back to the base."

As Ilona walked away, they noticed that the vendor was at a loss for words.

The next day, Mitchell, Gideon, Joker and Ilona were at the shooting range.

Gideon monitored as Mitchell took down targets, but he wasn't as adept as Ilona. He made it to second place. Ilona's name still flashed proudly at the top of the list, her high score proving her as one of the very best.

Ilona was checking out a certain rifle, subconsciously noting Joker ambling up to her.

"Hey, Ilona?"

"Yes?" she replied, not bothering to look up, as she continued to fumble with the gun.

Gideon nudged Mitchell, interrupting his training. He pointed to Joker and whispered something to the private, in which he responded by chuckling and turning around to watch Joker. He even gave him a thumbs-up and mouthed 'good luck'.

Joker rolled his eyes and returned his attention to Ilona.

He said, in his best seductive voice, "You want to know why women have two boobs?"

Ilona stopped what she was doing and looked up. Her brown eyes were wide and the edges of her lips were tugged downwards more than usual.

"…why?" she said cautiously after half a second, narrowing her eyes.

"Because men have two hands," Joker grinned.

Ilona slugged him in the face so hard he fell to the floor, and exited the room so fast, it took a full five seconds before Gideon and Mitchell could break into laughter.

Joker groaned and held the piece of meat to his eye. "Fuck…"

Gideon chuckled quietly, his shoulders bobbing up and down as he watched Joker suffer in his misery. "Mate, if you thought that pick-up line you used yesterday would work on any woman, let alone Ilona, then you winning this bet is totally out of the question."

"The way you flirted was so bad I don't even know how to describe it," Mitchell chuckled.

"Shut up, you two," Joker groaned again. "I mean, it worked on plenty of girls before, for your information."

Ilona walked through the door and crossed the room, not glancing at any of the men or greeting them as she reached up to search through a cabinet.

The room was silent for a while, before Joker made a bad decision to speak.

"Ilona, can I ask you a question?"

"If it's another one of your incredibly stupid jokes, I don't want to hear it."

"No, it's a serious question this time," Joker said earnestly.

Ilona ceased her search and gave him a cold stare. "What?"

"Alright, well, for as long as I've known you, you haven't actually, um…" Joker started, coughing slightly. Gideon and Mitchell exchanged nervous glances, sharing a small inkling as to what Joker was getting at.

"I haven't actually what?" Ilona sounded annoyed by his hesitance.

"You haven't talked about a boyfriend or anyone you've liked romantically," Joker sputtered quickly, not wanting to anger her. "So, I was just wondering if you'd be straight with us….um…what better way to put this…"

There was a deadly silence that seemed to last forever.

Finally, Joker looked up. "Do…you like women, Ilona?"

All that question got him was another black eye.

Alas, 14th of February came along.

None of the three men had seen Ilona the whole day. However, they didn't ask, considering that all three of them, despite numerous attempts, have failed in trying to win a date with her. Perhaps it was the shame.

They were gathered in the living room when the clock struck eight at night.

Joker was still healing from the two black eyes, but that didn't mean he was blind. When Ilona suddenly walked through the door, his eyes shot so wide it hurt, but he was almost sure it wasn't a hallucination.

With Mitchell's mouth agape and Gideon's surprised expression, it just proved that what Joker saw wasn't a trick his injured eyes were trying to play on him.

Ilona had an elegant, sleeveless white dress on that reached her knees, a silver belt around her slender waistline, two diamond earrings dangling from her ears, red lipstick adorning her puckered lips, and a pair of white pumps on her feet. Her hair was released from the small ponytail she so regularly had, and her pretty brown locks curled just below her shoulders.

"Ilona?" Gideon blinked, incredulous. He moved his head back, a triple chin forming underneath his neck as he did so. "Holy fuck, is that you?"

"Yes," she replied curtly, her rich accent confirming her identity. She sounded a bit worried. "Do I look alright?"

"Alright?!" Mitchell exclaimed, his lips finally parting into a stupid grin. He laughed in shock, before saying, "You look gorgeous!"

Ilona smiled, as though flattered. "Good. Thank you."

With that, she headed towards the exit.

"Whoa, whoa, where are you going?" Gideon called out, getting to his feet and rushing after Ilona out the door. Mitchell and Joker followed, just as confused as the captain was.

To their surprise, there was a car waiting outside, just a small distance away. It was a modern car, not so expensive, that was sleek and midnight blue. The car had no roof, and the plate number was a simple 141.

There was a man leaning against the car, dressed smartly in expensive tailored clothes. Gideon, Mitchell and Joker didn't recognize him, but apparently, Ilona did. She smiled and waved at him. He waved back with a handsome grin.

"Who is that?!" Mitchell demanded, half horrified, half amazed.

Ilona smiled at their surprised expressions. Oh, if only she had a camera. "That's… my valentine."

"Your valentine?!" Gideon's jaw dropped.

"Wait, you're telling us you've had a valentine all this time?!" Joker blinked.

"What do you mean, 'all this time'?" Ilona looked confused. "Well, I promised him dinner for tonight. Called him just a few hours after I received the email from Irons concerning the week off, if that's what you're asking."

The three of them fell silent. Ilona eyed them suspiciously.

"Ohh, wait, is this why you three have been acting strange the whole week?" Ilona snapped her fingers, the pieces finally falling into place. Their eyes fell to the floor and nobody answered her.

She smiled sympathetically. "Oh, you three are hilarious. I'm sorry I was oblivious, but even if I did catch up to what you three were up to, I wouldn't have accepted anyway. You aren't my type."

Mitchell threw a second glance at Ilona's 'type'. "Is that a mohawk?" he blinked, unbelieving. "That hairstyle is, like, so forty years ago!"

"Well, he looks good with a mohawk," Ilona said dreamily.

"Ilona? We might miss our reservation!" Her valentine shouted from afar. They noted that Ilona's date had a thick Scottish accent.

"Oh well, shouldn't keep that handsome man waiting," she said, smirking in her valentine's direction before turning back to her fellow teammates. "Joker, work on your pick-up lines. They're just horrible."

Joker couldn't help but grin, and Ilona gave the remaining two a small smirk. "Oh, and, Gideon, Mitchell—you boys stay in the closet, alright? I just can't imagine seeing you two paired with anyone else."

Gideon and Mitchell glanced at each other, bewildered, as Ilona turned around and walked towards the car.

"Happy Valentine's Day, boys."

A/N: A cookie to whoever figured out who Ilona's date was. If you did, then don't ask me why or how, I just crossed the timelines and... xD

Oh yeah, this story was written for, and shall be dedicated to, OperationKingfish, because it was her who gave me the inspiration/prompt to write this (though I'm pretty sure she didn't expect this to happen)! :)

Don't forget to review!