.

"Oh my god, I feel like Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries 2. I can't believe I'm going off on a midnight picnic with another man while my boyfriend isn't home."

"Hmm, I didn't know you and Karofsky were getting married in a matter of days to make you King of Genovia, but thanks for comparing me to Chris Pine."

Blaine actually laughs at that even though weddings are still a sore spot for him.

"Well, sir, if you weren't trying to take away my throne I wouldn't have to marry him at all," he says in his best British accent even though it doesn't make sense because Mia was from San Francisco and she didn't speak like that - But Kurt is barely containing his laughter and Blaine is just so happy that he can still make him laugh, that Kurt still enjoys his company, so who cares?

They continue driving in comfortable silence after Kurt admits he can't come up with a funnier reply so Blaine wins this round, and somehow Blaine is just sitting in Kurt's passenger seat smiling like an idiot, like nothing ever went wrong between them.

He even tries to remind himself of all the times Kurt went 'hmm' and blatantly ignored his jokes during their last weeks together, but it seems like a lie, a memory so incongruent with this Kurt sitting next to him right now, smiling and still occasionally giggling, that Blaine can't bring himself to believe that Kurt was ever real.

And that's where this situation gets dangerous. Blaine will always believe this Kurt, his Kurt, the one that sings along with him and dances around with him and laughs and smiles and talks to him, is who Kurt truly is inside, and that whenever he becomes cold and distant that's just… Who knows? Kurt protecting himself? Blaine has no idea what it is, but he's always had absolute faith that it's just a mask, just something to shield himself, except Blaine can't for the love of God figure out why Kurt ever needs to put up that shield around Blaine.

So maybe Blaine is wrong, and it hurts so much to think of it but reason leaves no other answer. Maybe cold and aloof and distant is who Kurt really is. Maybe this openness, this laughter and his warm smile and the way he looks at Blaine like the meaning of life is there in his face, maybe that's the mask, maybe that's just the way he knows he can get Blaine back, and he knows to keep it up just long enough till Blaine is eating out of the palm of his hand, and then he can drop it because stupid Blaine loves him and will bear the weight of their relationship all by himself, just as long as Kurt gives him scraps of love and attention here and there.

It's a nightmare, that thought. It makes him feel sick but Blaine hasn't been able to get it out of his head for months, because that seems to have been the pattern of their relationship since the very beginning.

Back when Blaine was still oblivious of his feelings, Kurt used to pine (a little too obviously) after him, and it was sweet to have that kind of attention, because Kurt's crushes are nothing to be sneezed at, the boy is good at loving from afar.

But then Blaine kissed him and they became a couple… and two weeks later Kurt is choosing Show Choir competition over him and… well, that hurt. He understood alright, didn't try to stop him. But Blaine can't help feeling that was the beginning of their downfall. Can't help feeling he should have known right then something it took him 4 years, two break-ups and a cancelled wedding to understand:

Kurt is always going to choose his dreams over Blaine.

Blaine used to think it wasn't a matter of choosing, not really, if they both had the same dreams. It seemed easy for Blaine, to follow wherever Kurt led because… well, weren't they headed in the same direction anyway?

So it hadn't felt like choosing when he transferred to McKinley to be with Kurt on his senior year, because he had to do High School anyway so why not do it with him?, even though he knew he'd have to spend a whole year there without Kurt later, but wasn't that all the more reason to do it?

It hadn't felt like choosing when he started making plans to go to New York and study at NYADA so he could be with Kurt, because hadn't he always wanted to be a performer? Does it really matter he never exactly wanted to be a Broadway performer, so long as he gets to be with Kurt and perform? It had seemed to Blaine like a very sound compromise.

It hadn't felt like choosing until June Dolloway told him Kurt couldn't perform with him, and that Blaine should break off his engagement because he's only going to drag you down (and oh, wasn't she just right?) and even then, Blaine insisted it wasn't a matter of choosing, that he could have both things - and even if he couldn't, the thought of not choosing Kurt never crossed his mind.

And for a brief moment on that stage, with Kurt surprised but so happy to be included, with them singing together like they were destined to do this since the creation of the universe and until the end of time, shutting up June Dolloway's trap, it had been true that he could have the two things he loved most in the world at the same tame.

Then Kurt broke up with him. And then Blaine was so depressed he failed out of college and had to return home with his head bowed down, while Kurt still had his dreams and Blaine had nothing.

(and hadn't Kurt sung "I have nothing" to him once? It seems so ironic, now, that Kurt ever thought he was the one who'd be left with nothing if they were apart. Silly, perfect, beautiful Kurt with the world at his feet.)

So maybe that's the secret road to success, keeping everyone at a distance and choosing your career over your lover, and Kurt has it all figured out because it's damn well working for him.

Well, good to know, Blaine guesses. Maybe he should've been taking notes.

"Why so serious? No, don't get down on me, we're almost there," Kurt says out of nowhere, his voice soft and gentle like he's talking to an injured animal and Blaine has to grind his teeth not to snap something ugly at him.

He manages a small smile so Kurt will return his attention to the road and leave him alone.

Having figured all of the previous out, there's still one question to answer. If Kurt's career is the most important thing to him, and Blaine is only getting in his way because he's clingy and needy and time consuming (like a fucking hamster Kurt is annoyed he has to feed and clean his cage and maybe spend some time with - where are all these bitter thoughts even coming from? Blaine didn't know he had all this resentment bottled up), then why does he even bother trying to get Blaine back at all?

The answer is simple: Kurt just likes the chase. He wants Blaine because he doesn't have him, because he's not the center of his universe anymore (he always, always is, no matter what, but Kurt should never know that), because he has to prove to himself that he can still win Blaine over no matter what. This is just Cat and Mouse, except it's going to drag on and on if Blaine lets it, because if he goes back to Kurt, it's only a matter of time before Kurt gets bored with him and breaks his heart all over again just to have a new challenge.

Blaine rubs his hands over his face and breathes deeply, counts to ten. Remembers what his therapist told him when he ranted all of this in their last session: This behavior you're describing is that of a sociopath, Blaine. Do you really believe Kurt is a sociopath?

And Blaine had said, well, of course not! A sociopath wouldn't put up with Rachel Berry as a roommate. A sociopath wouldn't step in to defend a complete stranger and get beat up himself. A sociopath wouldn't decorate the casket of a dead bird and hold a funeral for it, for god's sake.

Blaine knows all of this. It's just easier to think Kurt is heartless and likes toying with Blaine, than to think Kurt is a considerate, compassionate human being whom Blaine just isn't good enough for. They both hurt, but at least the former doesn't have him hating himself and trying to figure out what he did wrong.

"Look, can you please not tear your brain apart overthinking this?" Kurt insists, and Blaine tries to pretend he didn't just jump a little in his seat. "Just hear me out, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, or if you think you might say the wrong thing. I want you back, but I don't want you worrying endlessly over this. I don't expect anything from you tonight, I know it's too soon, I know you'll need time to think over the things I'm going to say, and I want you to make the decision that is best for you... and if that decision is not the best one for me, well…" Kurt goes silent for a moment, and Blaine can see all his masks fall into place. "Then I guess I'll just have to live with it…"

Blaine is almost disappointed, because hasn't Kurt learned anything? Hasn't he learned this isn't what Blaine wants from him? To sound so disinterested with the outcome of tonight, with whether or not he'll get Blaine back, like he doesn't care either way, and why does he think that is helping his case?

Blaine just leans back and puffs out a loud breath. He's not going to tell Kurt what to do to get him back, he doesn't even want to be gotten back, so whatever.

"So where exactly is this somewhere only we know?" He asks after a while, trying for aloof and disinterested, but failing miserably if Kurt's smile is any indication.

"You'll know it when you see it."

.

They pull over at Dalton Academy.

"Kurt, I don't think is this is a place only we know of…"

"That's because this is not our place, but this is as far as we can get by car."

"Wait, you want us to walk around in the middle of the night? What if we get lost or mugged or-"

"Blaine, this is the most secure neighborhood of Westerville, and as for getting lost, well, don't you remember the song?"

"What?"

"I knew the pathway like the back of my hand? Come on, you'll know what I'm talking about in a moment. Now come help me with the basket, I'll carry the boombox."

"I thought you said there wouldn't be any more songs?"

"Well, I guess I lied."

.

"Pavarotti's grave?" Blaine gasps when he spots the bare tree over the distance, beckoning them as if it glowed in the dark.

"Yep," and the smile in Kurt's face is way too big for someone who is visiting a grave.

They continue in silence, the darkness around them feeling almost sacred, the stillness something not be disturbed.

It's also creeping Blaine out a little, if he's honest. He thinks about reaching for Kurt's hand. Just so I won't fall behind or get lost, he tells himself. He starts to, then aborts the mission and just burrows further into his coat (he's so grateful he bothered going back up the stairs and changing before they left, otherwise this would be unbearable.)

When they reach their destination, Kurt sets down the boombox and reaches inside the basket Blaine is still holding. He takes out a blanket and lays it down under the tree, smooths it out here and there until he's satisfied, then presents it to Blaine like it's a throne or something equally magnificent. Blaine forces himself to think the gesture is stupid and doesn't make him feel like he's in The Princess Diaries.

This is not a movie, things don't just work out because he has a romantic gesture with you.

Blaine sits down on one corner with his back against the tree, as nonchalant as if this was their table at the Lima Bean. Kurt is not discouraged by this. He sits down across from Blaine and crosses his legs like a pretzel and how can he do that in those pants? It would probably be distracting if Blaine could actually see Kurt's legs in the dark.

"I still visit this place every year, you know?" Kurt says casually, like they don't have more important things to talk about. "You probably think it's stupid, but I owe this bird so much." Blaine wants to tell him to please don't go there because he has a pretty good idea what's coming. "He brought us together," there's a smile in his voice, and probably tears in his eyes. "How heroic of him to die for our love."

Blaine can't help laughing at the serious tone in Kurt's voice. "Are you really trying to guilt-trip me into getting back together with you because Pavarotti gave his life for it?"

Kurt snorts, goes "ok, ok" under his breath while holding in his laughter. "I didn't realize how awful it would sound, I promise that was not where I was going."

Blaine has no answer for that, so they let the silence settle around them.

What am I even doing here? he keeps thinking, I should just tell Kurt to take me back home.

Kurt heaves out a breath. "Wow, this is even harder than I thought, my therapist told me to just tell you everything, but I don't even know where to start."

"Start with answering this: Why do you even want me back? Is it because you're lonely? or is it because you can't let David Karofsky win over you? or-"

"Ok, just so we're clear: I've been wanting you back long before I even knew you were dating him, so don't you dare think he has anything to do with this."

"But he has everything to do with this, Kurt. He's my boyfriend, we're starting a life together. It may not be the same life I was hoping for with you, but it's still a good life, ok? It's a new beginning and it's exciting, I'm excited. Don't think you can just take him out of the equation because you don't think he fits with me or that I don't feel anything for him. Because I do, Kurt."

"Yeah, but for how long, Blaine?"

Blaine scoffs as hard as he can, yet he still doesn't feel it conveyed how offended he is. "Excuse me, but I'm not the one who broke things off, I'm not the one who walked out on a four year relationship-"

"Three, Blaine. We were broken up for almost a year."

"Whatever, even during that time, we still made plans together, didn't we? we still went ice skating and had sex on valentine's day and planned on me moving in with you and Rachel, we were still best friends- what I'm saying is that I always fought for us, ok? I was always giving it my all to make it work, you were the one who didn't want to make an effort. If that doesn't tell you anything about who I am, then you weren't really paying attention. What makes you think I won't be giving it my all with Dave, too? What makes you think I don't want this relationship to work?"

"Because you love me!" Kurt cries out. "Because you always believed above all things that we were soulmates and that we were meant to be!"

"Well, maybe I don't anymore!"

He can't quite see Kurt's face in the dark, but he doesn't need to. He knows the look in Kurt's face from the inside and out, because it must be the same one Blaine had when Kurt said he didn't want to marry him. Somehow, making Kurt feel his pain isn't as satisfying as the thought of it had been.

"Look, I didn't-"

"No, you have every right. I earned myself this, I made you lose your faith in us. I understand."

Blaine is seconds away from punching the ground and screaming like a madman, because he's so done with Kurt doing this, with Kurt being mature and cold-headed and distant, always, always so fucking distant, just when they are about to have a breakthrough here.

"All I was trying to say is, we both now Karofsky isn't the man you're going to marry and have kids with, he isn't the one you're going to share the rest of your life with."

"What if he is?" Blaine is just being stubborn, because he knows Kurt is right. There is no future with Dave, Blaine can hardly believe they have even lasted this long. Kurt raises an eyebrow because he knows him, can practically read Blaine's thoughts on his face. "And even so, what are you trying to say? That you are the one I'm going to do all those things with?"

Kurt bites his lip and looks thoughtful for a moment. "I'm saying I want to be," he says quietly, picking at fluff that is not really there and looking almost ashamed. "I'm saying I know I don't deserve it, but I'm willing to fight for that privilege anyway."

Blaine looks up at the stars and asks whoever is up there how the hell he is supposed to respond to that.

The silence stretches on and on, and at first Blaine thinks Kurt might be crying but his breathing is only slightly heavier, like when he's trying not to. Blaine wants to soothe him as much as he wants to punch himself for knowing Kurt's fucking breathing patterns better than his own.

"We'll just agree to disagree, then?" Kurt whispers, but he seems to get himself together a moment after. "Anyway, it's not because of Karofsky. And it's not because I'm lonely..." He trails off, Blaine can see his profile, his face turned up to the sky as if conferring with the stars on what he should say next. "I was lonely, so lonely before I met you. I was only just getting by... And then you, you were so..."

There's a soft rustle as Kurt rearranges himself on the blanket, pulling his legs to the side and sitting up straighter. He runs a hand over his face which is red even though he hasn't cried yet (when did Blaine's eyes adjust so well to the darkness?) and then sighs, that old familiar exasperation that haunts Blaine's nightmares showing through.

"You were so perfect for me. It was like one of those customizable characters in video games had come to life, and then you actually fell in love with me, and it was just... ugh," he's now pulling at his hair, which he only does in situations of extreme irritation, and Blaine is feeling dizzy from the mixed signals he's getting here, getting somewhat misty eyed over the familiar pain of Kurt saying beautiful things in that horribly exasperated, almost cruel tone.

He wished he had the courage (ha fucking ha, his younger self seems to laugh at him) to say this to Kurt, to tell him how much his tone matters when he says these things, how much this isn't working and is obviously never going to work, but as always he keeps it in, laps up the words and tries to disassociate them from the tone because he wants to believe.

"You made me see just how lonely I truly was, how pointless my life had been. And if I'm honest, I... I kind of always hated you, just a little bit, for that."

Blaine isn't sure what hurts more, the words themselves or the apologetic, timid tone they are said in. Warm, almost. Kurt and his fucking mixed signals.

"Is this what you brought me here for? To tell me you hate me?" he doesn't think he managed to hide the lump in his throat but then again, he never has been able to retain his dignity around Kurt.

"No! Oh God, no! I don't hate you, I love you, I- fuck, I'm doing this all wrong, please let me start over."

He's reaching out as if he wants to stop Blaine from leaving, even though Blaine hasn't made a single move to get up at all, and can't really leave anyway because Kurt drove him here.

"Well, then start over, but for God's sake, Kurt, I'm starting to think whatever you want to say is not actually going to be much better than that."

"Please, just hear me out. I'm a mess and I know I hurt you and I know I'm screwing up further and that's exactly my point here, ok? You do this to me, you make me like this."

"Oh, so now it's my fault you can't talk to me without breaking my heart?"

"No! Please, just, just stop talking. You were always complaining I never talked to you, so let me actually talk for once!"

Blaine crosses his arms and tries to hold himself together, because he really is about to let out the loudest sob in history and he's so done, so done with always humiliating himself like this in front of Kurt.

"Okay, then. Talk," he says tightly, and turns to stare off into the darkness of the woods.

"I love you," is the only thing Kurt says, voice high and pleading and it's the first time in so long that Blaine can actually believe it. He can tell by Kurt's breathing that he's still composing himself, so he just waits it out in silence because he doesn't want to be told again how nosey and intrusive he is and to just shut up for once, Blaine.

In fact, he may very well just refuse to speak at all for the rest of the night, may refuse to speak to Kurt for the rest of his life.

"I don't hate you, I phrased that wrong, ok?" Is obviously the first issue he's addressing, as if the harm wasn't already done. "I hate that you made my life so much better, so incredible, so everything I ever wanted, that now I can't go back to being alone. I hate that I can't live without you. I hate that you made my dreams come true. I hate that my happiness depends so entirely on you. Because for so long I was so alone, Blaine. So alone. And I had to learn to live like that, I had to learn to rely only on myself for everything, for my dreams and my happiness and my reason to go on. And I was fucking good at it, ok? I had a fabulous south Hampton mansion of a fortress against the world, you know?"

That actually draws a laugh out of Blaine, and he can't even bother trying to cover it up.

"And then you came along... You burned it to the ground, and I let you. I thought I would never need it again."

Blaine is pretty sure this is the part where Kurt veers off into blaming Blaine for everything again. He holds himself tighter to keep from intervening.

"But then, after our honeymoon phase had passed - I think that was our first summer together, before you transferred to McKinley, when we were just Harry and Sally, just... Kurt and Blaine, just the happy ever after that the movies show you - as that faded away, as we actually started being honest with each other about the things we didn't like about our relationship, whenever we had a disagreement... I would tell myself how stupid I had been, tearing down any protection, any shelter, and I would start laying the bricks for a new wall, just in case. I would tell myself it was still worth it to let you in, but I needed something to protect myself just in case.

"And I guess that wall just grew and grew over the years until I couldn't see you on the other side anymore. Until I told myself, what is the point? I thought, I'm back to where it started. I thought It didn't work out and now it's time to go back to being alone."

Kurt laughs, then, a self-deprecating, cruel sound that would probably hurt Blaine less if it was actually aimed at him, that's how much he can't stand Kurt suffering.

"And I was stupid enough to believe I would be better off like that. Going back to being alone and closed off to the world, because I already kind of was, you know? You told me so yourself. I thought, feeling alone without you would be better than feeling alone with you, but I was so wrong, so unbelievably wrong. Because it wasn't the same alone as I was before, before you I was just lonely but after having you for so long... I'm not lonely without you, Blaine. I'm simply dead inside."

"Don't say that, Kurt, don't-" he can't help himself, he reaches over and lays his hands over Kurt's, squeezes them the way he wants so badly to squeeze all of Kurt against his chest and never let him go.

"It's the truth, Blaine, I- ok, would you hate me too much if I tried to say this with another song?"

Blaine can't believe he can laugh and cry so much in such a small period of time. "I could never hate you," he says and hopes Kurt understands this, that no matter how much he hurts Blaine, Blaine will never, ever stop feeling this burning ache for Kurt.

"I don't have a cassette for this, I just thought of it and-"

"It's okay, I don't care about that, just..." and Blaine is breathless with expectation, because he's learned more about Kurt in this half-hour than in four years he's known him and he can't wait to learn more, so much more.

"Okay, I... I just... Somebody crowd me with love, somebody force me to care, somebody let me come through, I'll always be there, as frightened as you, to help us survive..." He trails off, then, cracked voice fading into the night, and Blaine can't help thinking of a song of his own for this moment. Can't help thinking of Kurt dressed all in black, with tears on his face and take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise...

And he's as lost to it now as he was back then.

"God, Kurt, you really knew what you were doing bringing me here, didn't you?" It's a week attempt at lightening up the mood that Kurt completely ignores.

"You're the only one that makes me alive, Blaine."

It takes every ounce of self-respect (that he's been working so hard to find again, yet it seems to just bleed out of him whenever Kurt is near him) in Blaine not to give in and kiss him, just hold him and stop being stupid because who is Blaine even kidding? He's crazy for this boy in front of him, crying and looking at him like he's the center of the universe and why can't Kurt always be this open with him?

"Kurt," he pleads, though he isn't sure what he's pleading for.

"You don't have to say anything, remember?" Kurt's thumbs are feather light on Blaine's skin as he wipes the tears away, comforting him like he knows how confused andhopeful and scared Blaine is, and Blaine realizes that he does, because nobody knows him as well as Kurt does. Kurt who is his soulmate, Kurt who he knows he is going to spend the rest of his life with even if it's just doing this stupid dance of should we, should we not.

"Can you take me home, now?" It's the last thing Blaine wants, but he knows that if they stay here, alone and together, under the cover of night, then the light of morning will find them tangled up in each other, rushing down the same path to making the same mistakes because they are so fucking hungry for each other they can't stay apart long enough to actually work out their issues.

"Are you sure? Don't you want to stay and live out your Princess Diaries fantasy?" And the smile in Kurt's face now is so big and with just the right amount of flirt in it and how can Blaine ever say no to that?

"Can we do that?" God, someone please stop him. "Can we just... stay out here and pretend we're not us? Can we just..." He should really stop talking now. "Can we just be together and forget everything else?"

"We can, if you can say it with a song," this is his Kurt, the one that goofs around and smiles that toothless smile that makes Blaine heart feel all funny.

"What song? My mind isn't as quick as yours when it comes to thinking of songs that apply to certain moments."

Kurt gives him that eyebrow raise that makes Blaine wonder how Kurt isn't a real life cartoon character. "Says the guy who's been serenading me non-stop for the last four years."

"Yeah, but I was always planning it beforehand. Can't you just give me a hint?"

"Oh, so we're playing 'heads up' now? Ok, remember this song that you were so obsessed with - you were so excited when it came on the radio that you didn't even sing it, you just shouted it at the top your lungs and I had to ban you from ever singing it in public?"

"If I lay heeeeeeeeeeere,"

"Yeah, but don't shout it, Blaine, I told you to sing it,"

"If I just laaaaaaay here,"

"Shut up, someone could hear us and this is still private property-"

"Would you lie with me and just forget the wooooorld-"

"Yeah, ok, that's enough." Kurt is now massaging his temples and wincing but Blaine can see the smile underneath it all. "Why did I think handing over impromptu serenading duties to you would be a good idea?"

"Because I've been doing it for four years."

And Blaine finds his heart doesn't hurt anymore, or at least not right now, at the mention of that time.

"Yes, well, that only proves it was high time I took over. So with your permission, Prince Blaine, I will now turn on the radio. There just has to be an oldies station that plays Love Me Tender at this hour."

Turns out, after a lot of fiddling around, that the only oldies station seems to be having a Bee Gees special, so they have to settle for goofy disco dancing and twirling and dipping like they used to in Glee club, instead of pressing close together and swaying to a soft crooning voice in the background, which is probably for the best but it's still a bit of a disappointment.

They eat Fettuccine Alfredo from Breadstix and drink wine (actual wine that Kurt bought just for this, did they ever drink wine when they were actually dating?) and Kurt apologizes for not bringing candles, but with all the nature around them it was a fire hazard and he didn't want to ruin their date by accidentally burning down Dalton Academy (and Blaine is so caught up in the moment he forgets to correct him about they're dating status.)

And after all that, Blaine doesn't even hesitate before curling up and around Kurt like a grapevine, as they stargaze the night away.